Is your teenager causing chaos in their bedroom? Need help managing a destructive adopted son?
The Issue:
Our adopted son (18M) is wreaking havoc in his room, leaving us at a loss on how to handle the situation.
Possible Solutions:
Here are some strategies to help address the destructive behavior:
– Set clear expectations and boundaries.
– Seek professional guidance from a therapist or counselor.
– Implement consequences for damaging property.
– Encourage open communication to understand the root cause of the behavior.
Why It Matters:
Creating a safe and respectful living environment is essential for maintaining family harmony and supporting your son’s well-being.
Join the Conversation:
Have you experienced a similar situation with your teen? Share your tips and advice in the comments below!
#ParentingTips #TeenBehavior #AdoptedSon #DestructiveBehavior #FamilyHarmony #ParentingAdvice #TherapyForTeens #SettingBoundaries #CommunicationIsKey
Hi. Sorry. It seems like you already know the answer. But you have no the heart to go ahead and do it.
He needs to be on his own and learn to survive. He is not a toddler. He is a 18 year old adult. 100% capable of not starving to death.
You need to evict him.
It doesn’t sound like his parents did him any favors, eh?
I’d find him a doctor and therapy. I’d tell him that a condition of him staying there is that he gets medical/mental health help, takes on more at least 20 hours of work, and that from here on out, no more food or beverage in the room, you will be inspecting the “residence” nightly. If there’s garbage, he picks it up right in front of you.
He’s operating at less of a functional level than my stepson did at 10YO.
Evict. You’re wasting your time and energy.
Hi.
This sounds like trauma + maybe executive function issues. This young adult is drowning.
I COMPLETELY understand if you can’t or won’t connect this young adult with medical services of some stripe, but it seems that’s what he needs.
– Does he have health insurance? Maybe he qualifies for a local outpatient program?
– Another idea is he works more days at his job, pays weekly for an outside cleaning service.
Good luck to you both.
If he only works one day a week how is affording all that takeout?
>His family left anyway and, believing that 18 year olds are adults
That belief is likely because 18 is the age of adulthood in the US. 18 year olds are, in fact, adults.
>I try to locate the source and am shocked by the state he lives in.
He is living like this because you enabled him to live like this.
Tell him he needs to get that room properly cleaned and keep it that way within 24 hrs or you will begin eviction procedures.
>If I evict, he is homeless as he can’t afford anything here.
That is a him problem.
>This appears to be a mental health issue; he doesn’t apply himself to get a better job, works one day a week, no girlfriend/boyfriend, and lives in squalor I have only seen in .
He is a legal adult being allowed to live like a young teen in the home of a kindhearted enabler who tolerates the bullshit. Nothing will change for him or you until you force a change,
We all need to grow up sooner or later, you are enabling him to not grow up. Have a serious talk to him and give him a time line when things need to happen. And follow through with consequences if he doesn’t do the minimum requirements that you would expect from a roommate
His parents were probably right to kick him out, he was probably a terrible roommate and a pain to live with. He needs to grow up and understand that actions have consequences and if he can’t do the minimum, he can’t live in a house.
I have a 16 year old son I’m dealing with right now who is the same. When I framed it that he was a bad roommate and destroying my house with his living style he kinda got it.
If he has issues with cleaning, then instead of buying all that takeaway he can hire a cleaner. That takes care of the mess, at least.
Do you have any reason to think that he has mental health issues, versus simply being lazy and unmotivated to put in more than the minimum effort because video games and phone scrolling are more fun?
(I think you can guess which of those possibilities I’m more inclined to believe.)
Living in squalor does not indicate a mental health issue, it indicates a pretty normal 18-year-old boy, probably with an 18-year-old boy’s sense of consequences. I’m not saying that you should be fine with his behavior. I’m encouraging you not to fall into the trap of so many wives and girlfriends on this sub who make the leap of, “He’s *acting* like he’s lazy and doesn’t care about what I want him to care about — it must be that he’s deeply suffering and I need to sacrifice more to help him.”
Wow that’s a nice room for $200 a month! He has no idea how lucky he is that y’all took him in and you really ought to explain this to him. Show him where he’d be living on his income if he didn’t have you. Put a big trash can in his room and tell him he must use it and remove the trash daily – maybe this would be a good start to getting the mess cleaned up. Maybe he’s embarrassed about the quality and volume of food he’s consuming and doesn’t want to take it down to the kitchen trash?
Maybe he doesn’t understand what a German cockroach infestation would look like, which this room is an ideal habitat for.
You’re enabling him. He’s broken the terms of your lease, and you need to evict him per the terms of your lease. He won’t be homeless. He has an actual family he can move in with.
It feels like maybe there’s more going on than just laziness.
Considering that his parents were cool with ditching him without help because legally he’s an adult, I’m guessing there might be some trauma or other mental health stuff happening.
I’d say talk to him and lay out options and expectations for him. Offer to help him find some sort of mental health care and give him a set period of time (a month or six weeks for example) to either clean his space, hire someone to clean his space, or to leave. If you really want to help him, maybe offer to help do the big initial clean and then teach him how to maintain it. I have adhd, and once the mess gets too bad, it can be impossible to even get started on cleaning it without aid because it’s just too overwhelming.
It’s not okay that he isn’t taking care of his space and he does have to be held responsible for caring for that space, but to me this just screams that he’s struggling elsewhere and needs guidance, not just to be kicked out of another family.
Its a lot more rare for people to be lazy enough to live in a truly disgusting environment than for the disgusting environment to be a symptom of something bigger.
Wow, this is a tough one. My first thought was how does he afford all of the takeout if he works one day a week and pays you $200 a month? My second thought was that you should increase his rent because he clearly has too much fun money.!
If I had to guess, I’d say that he does have ADHD and/or ASD and he flew enough under the radar growing up that his parents didn’t get him help (or didn’t know how) and didn’t put him into mental health channels for services that would be vital to him at this moment. I would love to know if he graduated with a standard diploma or if he had special education services at school.
But at the bottom of it, you have to figure out if this young man is totally disregarding respect to you and just being lazy OR if he has mental issues along with executive functioning issues that make it difficult or near impossible for him to function on an adult level. Or both.
My 22-year-old daughter has ADHD and ASD and this is the world that we live in, regularly trying to figure out what she is genuinely capable of. It is not an easy task.
For this young man, since he is an adult, you could run a few litmus tests of your own. To start, he does not deserve the level of privacy that you are giving him, given the squalor that he is creating. Update his lease, set standards for cleanliness and do a check in every three days minimum. Goals are the key here. when he does not meet up to the standard of a measurable goal give him a warning and let him know how many warnings he will get before he is evicted. Best to put all of this in the lease. you can still be generous with your timelines, but make them clear and measurable.
I would also seriously consider giving him more work around your house as part of your rent agreement. Since he is paying so much less than market value, and only working outside of the home one day a week, perhaps come up with projects outside of his living area that he is required to do in your home. Again, measurable clear goals are way to go. With timelines. Don’t leave anything gray for him.
As a sidenote, you guys are obviously very generous, kind people. You may feel like this is mean, but there are definitely ways that you can talk to him and implement these new standards without it coming across rough.
I would give yourself a month to watch how he responds to these two new things. Make sure that he is aware of the standard, but don’t hold his hand or give him constant reminders to do these things. you want to see what he does on his own. At the end of this time, you might have a good impression of whether he is capable or not. If he is not capable, it may be time to have a conversation with him about getting evaluated, as that might be the first step towards getting services as an adult, depending on the state you live in.
If in the end, you decide that there’s a mental health issue at play here please consider contacting whatever is the equivalent to the family services/Social services department in your area. There is help for adults that have mental health challenges, including emergency services when homelessness is eminent. There are a lot of things available once you get into the right channels. Finding those channels might be a bit of a scavenger hunt at first, but will be worth it.
Finally, if it comes down to him being capable, and just disregarding you, you will need to do the difficult task of releasing him. Most municipalities have homeless services. As hard as it will be for you, he had a choice to go with his family and he didn’t take it. On top of all of that, the mental health of your family is really important and working with someone like this can be very draining so you have to protect boundaries for yourself as much as for him. if he’s truly capable, then something like that maybe the kick he needs.
Best wishes!
I’ll move in your house for $250 a month and clean my room, evict him and sign me up
An important part of mentoring is helping the mentoree understand and accept the consequences of their actions and take steps to both resolve the immediate problem and correct their behavior going forward. Are you doing that?
Document, document, document. A written warning is in order with very specific corrective measures.
Op, id sit him down and have an adult to adult conversation with him. Here’s the reality for him.. if he doesn’t abide by the lease he won’t have a place to live. He also HAS to be doing more with his life. Schooling, a certification, etc, if he’s not going to work full time. Otherwise you’re signing up for a permanent child.
Please understand it’s ok to have consequences and boundaries.
What happens when you tell him to clean up? Does he do it? I know you said you “helped” him before (did most of it yourself). What if moving forward you do some kind of weekly/bi-weekly inspection of his room to make sure it’s clean? Make a list of what’s required (No food containers, trash picked up, no laundry on the floor, etc – something that can be made into a checklist) and say moving forward if it’s not up to standard you’ll have to fine him/charge him for a cleaner. Hitting him in the wallet might be motivating enough.
Also, this might be a little nuts but could it be that he has too much space in your house? I know I’ve always been at my cleanest when having to share a space with other people because I feel bad making others deal with my mess. Maybe it would be easier for him to keep his space clean if it was smaller? If there’s less “room” to clean it might be less overwhelming for him, and a mess is harder to ignore if you have to constantly be on top of it.
Idk, he’s a kid, it sounds like he’s been through a lot. Maybe also try sitting him down and having him come up with a solution. You want him to stay with you but can’t have him leaving his space in this condition. What can you both do to make sure his space remains clean? Also, rent has gotta get paid on time or, just like anywhere else, you’re going to have to fine him/make him move out. Show him what rent is like in your area. Even a dumb 18yo can figure out that 200$/month is a deal he doesn’t want to give up.
If you want to be a mentor to this kid, this is one of the biggest lessons he needs. He’s definitely going through some mental health issues – it is not helped by the fact that his parents abandoned him the second he was legally an adult.
You and your wife need to decide for yourselves what is your main role – are you a landlord, or are you helping this kid out. Pick a lane because business/family gets too messy. Also decide on a boundary. If you help this kid out, help him clean his room, but then in 2 months, this happens again – then what? What if other pests come looking for all that floor food? Then what? Basically – how much are you willing to disrupt your own life for this kid, and where do you draw the line of “you’re doing too much damage to my home to allow you to continue to stay here”
Keeping food out of his room may need to become a condition of the lease, until he can prove he can keep a clean space.
Therapy would be helpful for him.
What is the rent money being used for? Perhaps there could be incentive for him if he can reduce his rent by doing things around the house, or if part of that rent can go back to him when he moves out as a nest-egg, etc. (this is like a bonus idea to help incentivize him gain a little drive).
The main thing to clarify IMO is if this kid is a tenant or is he a guest. There are different expectations with each role, and you all need a little more clarity.
New rule: no food in his room. He eats in the kitchen/dining room from now on.
If he doesn’t obey the rule, evict him.
Do you know what the state of the home that he lived in was?
Because if there is one thing I have learned as a professional who is in and out of people’s homes, It’s that the vast vast majority of homes are not clean or tidy.
He may not be aware that this isn’t normal by your standards. To him, it may even be cleaner than he grew up with.
I would highly recommend having a conversation to establish what his view of clean and tidy is, and then discuss with him what your vision of clean and tidy is.
Express that you are concerned for a number of reasons. Express that while you are his landlord and can legally evict him, you also care about him more than a landlord and would like to help him. Does he have access to health insurance? If not, a good place to start is helping him set up health insurance. If he already has something, then maybe start by helping him set up appointments like therapy. Beyond mental health, he may also have an information gap. Does he know how to grocery shop, budget, cook, how to store food properly, how to set up a routine, how to form habits, how to come up with a cleaning schedule? Maybe think of a few things you’d be willing to teach him and ask him if he’s interested in learning. But helping with setting up health insurance, how to schedule doctor’s appointments, and directly helping setting up therapy appointments is the key here.
OP, I feel you. Sit him down, set some rules.
We have a similar story here with our oldest grandaughter (age 23). Her room smelled so bad I quit having people over, and ended up depressed myself. From baby on, they were never taught to bathe. Or brush. Or wipe. Or flush. Or change underwear. It’s been like herding jello to get this kid an HSED, through tech college, counseling, and finally fingers crossed a part time job.
I have such anger towards young parents who sit on their phones and cheat on each other instead of raising their children to function in society.
Have yall discussed his goals? What has been done to move him towards reaching them?
He works once a week at a job with no meaning. He was just abandoned by his family. He’s eating the same garbage daily, it appears. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s depressed or has some other mental health problem. This likely isn’t something that can just be fixed with a “mind cleaning your room?” If yall are committed to supporting him, it could take time and effort. It could take constant encouragement from yall. It likely won’t be easy. But it’s also not your responsibility to make sure he succeeds unless you choose for it to be. If you do want to undertake that responsibility, please get him some therapy and get him tested. Help him get to his feet when he’s clearly crawling. Don’t watch him struggle until he’s in his mid-30s and finally learns what’s been wrong the whole time.
Smh. Sink or swim. You can afford 35$ papa John’s every night and taking for granted the roof over his head. Gtfo. Figure life out the hard way.
He -did- just get functionally ditched by his family.
I applaud you for helping this young man, however I was in a similar situation myself. My ex-fiancé and I let his father live with us for over a year, and his room looked exactly like Fred’s room. My ex told his father countless times that he needed to keep his room clean, but he never did. My ex had to clean his room/take out trash constantly. It ended up completely destroying our relationship and caused a lot of stress/anxiety. I understand you want to help this guy out, but you really need to prioritize yourself and your wife. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished. That’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way
I feel so bad for him. I would deal with undiagnosed depression, ADHD, etc first and then work on a job. He likely “can’t” handle these things. I know it’s hard to get that if you don’t have a neurodivergent brain but it’s true. Don’t worry too much about the room, those are not permanent issues.
I would look for government programs in your area to help people who have issues like this
How is this even possible. You say he works 1 day a week at a grocery store, that would barely cover 200 in rent and you say he has a car, so how does he afford gas and insurance? Then he somehow magically has money for all those pizzas and take out food?!
That’s how you get ants.