#DomesticViolence #RelationshipIssues #HusbandWifeConflict #PregnancyStress
Dealing with a situation like this can be extremely stressful, especially when it involves a loved one who is pregnant. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to handle the aftermath of a physical altercation with your wife’s ex-boyfriend. But remember, you are not alone in this. Here are some steps you can take to address the situation and rebuild trust with your wife.
Understanding Her Perspective
It’s important to first understand why your wife is feeling unsafe and angry. Put yourself in her shoes and try to empathize with her emotions. Pregnancy is a vulnerable time for any woman, and the added stress of an abusive ex-boyfriend can take a serious toll on her mental and emotional well-being. Here are a few things to consider:
– Pregnancy hormones can amplify emotions, leading to heightened anxiety and fear.
– Revisiting a traumatic past can bring back painful memories and trigger feelings of insecurity.
– Your wife may feel a sense of betrayal and distrust after witnessing the physical altercation.
Open and Honest Communication
Communication is key in any relationship, especially during challenging times. Sit down with your wife and have a candid conversation about the events that transpired. Be open and honest about your feelings and apologize for your actions. Let her know that you understand the gravity of the situation and that her safety and well-being are your top priority. Here are a few tips for productive communication:
– Listen actively to her concerns without interrupting or becoming defensive.
– Express remorse for engaging in a physical altercation and acknowledge the potential impact it has had on her.
– Assure her that you are committed to creating a safe and secure environment for her and the baby.
Seeking Professional Help
In cases of domestic violence or threats, seeking professional help is crucial. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in couples therapy and domestic violence. Professional guidance can provide you both with the tools and support needed to navigate through this challenging period and heal as a couple. Here are a few resources you can explore:
– Couples therapy: Find a licensed therapist who can facilitate open and honest dialogue between you and your wife.
– Domestic violence support groups: These groups offer a safe space for individuals to share their experiences and receive guidance from trained professionals.
– Legal assistance: If the ex-boyfriend’s behavior continues to pose a threat, consider consulting with a legal expert to explore options for restraining orders or legal protection.
Bhagavad Gita Wisdom
In times of turmoil and internal conflict, drawing wisdom from ancient texts like the Bhagavad Gita can provide valuable insights. The Bhagavad Gita emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, mindfulness, and righteous action. In this context, the following teachings from the Bhagavad Gita can offer guidance for finding inner peace and clarity:
– Detachment from the results of actions: Focus on acting with integrity and compassion, without being attached to the outcomes or reactions of others.
– Duty and righteousness: Embrace your responsibilities as a husband and protector, while upholding ethical principles and moral conduct.
– Inner peace through self-realization: Cultivate inner peace and strength through self-awareness and spiritual insight, guiding you to make decisions rooted in wisdom and compassion.
Seeking Forgiveness and Rebuilding Trust
Moving forward from a situation like this requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to rebuilding trust. It’s essential to demonstrate genuine remorse for your actions and Take proactive steps to assure your wife of your dedication to her safety and well-being. Here are some ways to seek forgiveness and rebuild trust:
– Apologize sincerely and express your commitment to creating a safe and loving environment for your family.
– Show empathy and understanding toward your wife’s emotions and fears, acknowledging the impact the situation has had on her well-being.
– Take proactive measures to ensure her safety and security, such as installing security systems, seeking legal protection, and actively addressing any concerns she may have.
In conclusion, the aftermath of a physical altercation with your wife’s ex-boyfriend can be emotionally charged and challenging to navigate. However, by approaching the situation with empathy, open communication, and a commitment to seeking professional guidance, you can work towards rebuilding trust and creating a safe environment for your growing family. Remember, your actions moving forward can lay the foundation for healing and growth within your relationship.
Here is a situation where we can relate the incident to Bhagavad Gita. According to Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna advises Arjuna to perform his duty without attachment to the outcome. In this context, it might be helpful for you to reflect on the idea of detached action (Karma Yoga) from the Bhagavad Gita. It’s about acting from a place of duty and righteousness without being attached to the results. This philosophy can help you focus on making the right choices for the well-being of your family, while also seeking forgiveness and understanding from your wife.
> if you were in my position , hearing some drunkass mf talking like that about the love of your life , you would have done the same
No. No I wouldn’t have. You turned a verbal altercation into a physical one.
If he started the physical altercation I would have understood you defending yourself but you could’ve been arrested for assault because he was shouting words at you and you beat him up. You’re about to be a father, you have a baby on the way, and you’re more concerned about some sort of honor and respect nonsense than making sure that you don’t get arrested and leave your wife to raise your child alone.
She’s frightened because she is pregnant and she just saw the father of her child assault someone because he didn’t like the words being said.
You walk away. You control your emotions. You don’t scare your wife by physically assaulting someone.
Seeing people be violent is frightening to people.
I would think that she may be angry that you would turn a verbal altercation into a physical one? And, in that process, could cause a legal suit or it could have ended with her husband in jail? It probably scared her seeing you fight and she’s angry she had to deal with that when you could have easily just called the police.
I don’t blame her, I’d feel the same if I saw my husband lose control of his anger and physically beat someone, if he could lose it on someone else I couldn’t trust that one day he wouldn’t lose it on me.
Women get murdered by their partners all the time and she just saw you beat the fuck out of someone because you didn’t like their behavior, and now instead of acknowledging the issue you’re trying to say she has feelings for him?
She does not still care about him, SHE IS AFRAID OF YOU.
You violently assaulted a drunk person, someone not in full control of their actions, mind or body. You had options, walk away and call the police, call him a cab and send him away, ignore him and go back inside.
What happens when the baby is screaming, your wife is suffering from PPD and screaming at you to help? Are you going to punch her? Shake the baby?
She likely won’t stop being afraid of you unless or until you get help. Please do.
Her reaction is entirely warranted. You escalated a situation that did not need to be. You should have just called the police. No, most people do not escalate to violence when people say things they don’t like. Society agrees this is not appropriate, that’s why it’s a crime.
If my husband did that I’d be scared as well. She’s afraid of her ex and you just made her question if she should be afraid of you.
She’s in an incredibly vulnerable position right now. You just showed her that you can’t control yourself. You showed her that your bar for becoming terrifyingly violent is pretty low. Can she trust you not to get yourself in trouble or in danger? Can she trust you not to decide she did something worthy of your anger? What about your child?
She’s going through one of the most stressful things in her life, then her psycho ex shows up to make it even scarier. Her husband, who should be comforting her, decided to willingly leave the house to confront the ex. For no useful reason.
If he was coming into your house, fine, but you chose to go out deliberately to deal with him. That wasn’t an intelligent, rational, or logical thing to do. You made a choice that could have placed you in danger. Either physically or legally. And don’t give me that crap about how you can handle yourself. You have no idea what that lunatic was capable of. He could have had all sorts of weapons. That’s not supportive of her.
You made the kind of stupid decision a teenager makes because someone dissed his girl. Not the kind of decision a married man with a baby on the way makes.
Yes, you should have called the cops.
Has your wife seen you resort to that level of violence and aggression before that, night outside of a professional setting?
If not, that’s probably what has scared her.
Is she upset that you injured or ex or that you fell for his provocation and lost your temper?
If it’s the latter, seeing you lose control like that probably made her wonder what you could do to her if you felt she “provoked” you. Particularly now that she’s pregnant and even more vulnerable, she knows it would never be a fair fight.
From the sounds of it, it was an extended beating, not just enough to scare him into leaving, seeing someone you normally trust with your life (and will be trusting with an infant’s life) lose control like that would be very unsettling. Not to mention, the legal shitstorm if he decides to press charges. She’s now seeing a future where she could potentially end up a single mother if your temper gets the better of you again.
The fact that you now think her reaction means she has feelings for him and not that she might actually be genuinely afraid tells me you really don’t understand her perspective, but you need to try and understand *why* she doesn’t feel safe and how she would have preferred to handle the situation.
Love the dudes in this thread saying that that OP did the right thing and she must clearly have feelings for her ex, while all the women are saying they’d be pissed of their partners did this.
Women don’t want violent men. Women want men who will take care of them, which means controlling their anger and walking away from a fight, not starting one.
No, she’s considering making you her crazy Ex… you could’ve de-escalate it by calling the police for example and they would’ve taken him… she’s pregnant and scared and you did one thing that mad her more scared. You went way over the line.
You are jumping to conclusions with the feelings for the ex thing. She could just be pissed because she knows you are a skilled fighter and maybe could have put him in the hospital.
I understand why you gave him a beat down, but you were still wrong. If he has been stalking her your first response (and hers) should have been to call the cops immediately. Now you’ll be lucky if he doesn’t press charges against you for assault.
What would have happened if you had killed him? Or worse, he had killed you?
I don’t think you want to understand her side of it. I think you are looking for an echo chamber because you don’t know how to process your emotions. Obviously, your wife has a type. She’s now realizing she’s married to someone like her Ex.
If you want to salvage your marriage, you should strongly consider therapy. For yourself and your wife.
Your wife should get a restraining order on her ex.
>Maybe I should have just called the cops but trust me , if you were in my position , hearing some drunkass mf talking like that about the love of your life , you would have done the same .
No, anyone with half a brain wouldn’t have. You decided that your ego was more important than being there for your wife and child. If your wife had been alone, she would have every legal self defense right to go after him with a baseball bat if he was making those kind of threats on the size difference alone, but you are a trained fighter, and not intoxicated. You have a higher standard you had to hold yourself to.
At the absolutely most, if he was trying to get past you, you should have taken him to the ground, hold him in a lock and tell your wife to call the cops and keep him in one spot like the little wimp he is. If you gotta jack the hold to make him shut up, then do that, but instead you chose to open yourself up to assault charges. He is within his rights to have you charged and arrested. You wanna be sitting in jail with assault charges when your wife gives birth prematurely from the stress? You want a felony charge so you can’t find a decent job ever again and support your kid? What the fuck is your long game, dude? If he pulled a weapon or attacked you, then you might have been able to go to town on him, but you attacking HIM on words alone, no, you were being a selfish idiot.
I can handle myself in a fight and so can my husband. I’ve been called all sorts of disgusting names by assholes I’m dealing with at work, but they’re just words. They can’t fucking hurt me with words and my husband knows better pick fights with drunks who can’t keep their mouths shut because we’re not looking for thousands of dollars of legal trouble.
I also want to note that I am used to violence and view it as a tool. But most women never have any time or training spent learning how to evaluate and deal with threats. If your wife has never seen you in beat down mode, it can be terrifying for someone who isn’t used to that shit.
Tbh, if my partner was the type to go roaring outside and beat a guy up instead of calling the cops (or just turning the damn hose on him), we wouldn’t be in a relationship. Sure, maybe you’re an ex fighter, so you felt sure you could take him. But what if he gets the drop on you, then comes after your wife while you’re out? What if you get brain damage and she has to look after you AND a baby? What if ex presses charges and you get locked up? There are so many what ifs, and she has enough what ifs right now. You’re about to become a father, time to be an actual adult and not a reactive teen
Well, I’m definitely not advocating violence, but I bet the ex got the message loud and clear more than any warnings from the police. And if he’s still stalking her, she needs to get a protection order from the court.
Just talk to her.
“I used to be a professional fighter” told me that this simply did not happen. Surely there are creative writing subs actually designed for shit like this macho fantasy nonsense
I had a similar situation happen when I was with an ex. I didn’t know that the altercation was going to become physically violent, and I had also never seen my bf at the time act violently. I have a complicated history with violence, so although I could see where my ex was in some way “in the right”, and I certainly didn’t like the person who he beat up, it was still scary to see him become violent regardless of the circumstances. I also felt like it was really stupid of him to turn to violence as we were actually in a public setting and he could’ve easily gone to jail. So I was also angry and at the same time shaken up/ a bit scared. I imagine your wife might feel this same way, and especially so if she has witnessed any violence in her childhood.
When I was 3rd trimester pregnant, my now, ex-husband was driving, with me in the passenger seat. Our car and another car almost collided and both sides though they had right of way. The arguments got heated and my husband jumped out of the car yelling at them and a bunch of people got out of the other car yelling at him.
And I was sitting terrified in the car, clutching my pregnant stomach, with horrendous thoughts flashing through my brain.. wondering if someone was gonna get severely injured, if someone was gonna pull out a gun, if my husband was gonna get shot, if i or my baby was gonna get shot, if my husband was gonna get hospitalized, if I’d have to make a run for it in my heavily pregnant state, if I’d endup having a late term miscarriage from this, if he was gonna get arrested, and many others.
Thankfully there was no physical altercation and both out cars were fine anyway. So both sides finally got back into the respective cars and drove away.
But I was sooo angry at my ex-husband for being stupid enough to put himself in harm’s way, He too couldn’t understand why I was angry with him when it was the other car’s fault. I had to angrily explain to him several times that he put himself in danger and jeopardized the future of his family when he could have just not indulged in his aggrssive behavior. After a couple of days he gave a half assed apology that he could understand my side. It took me several months after the birth of my son to forgive him for that.
Your pregnant wife might have had similar such doomsday scenarios playing through her mind when u were out there fighting, and may think she came very close to losing the future she envisioned with u.
Lol, I love „call police” crowd. They live in a fantasy world where cops would do anything lol. This guy can harras OP wife for her whole life and 99% nothing will happen to him.
She’s probably afraid and anxious because when a person has never experienced a real life street fight or seen one, it freaks them the fuck out.
You’re a fighter, so you’re long past that, and if your wife had any combat experience, it wouldn’t phase her at all.
But what I do notice, regardless of gender, people who see a real fight for the first time are usually mind blown and very emotional because it’s really the first experience of absolute loss of control in a situation combined with that type of fear.
Additionally, if she’s a victim of crime, then she’s probably lost in her own head that she’s realizing something could happen at any time between you and her and it’s entirely up to you how it plays out— which is really a scary scenario and potentially re-traumatizing.
I would say to write her a letter, reassuring her that you love her and your urge to protect her at all costs is what caused you to become unhinged, and that means if you have to protect her from yourself, you would take the necessary actions to handle the situation responsibly.
I do believe this will blow over— she’s probably just in shock of something she never thought she would witness in her life. If it takes longer than 3 weeks to blow over, go ahead and schedule counseling to work it out— but I still think it will be alright in the long run.
But honestly, as someone experienced in fighting, hell yeah you did the right thing rather than letting him think he is allowed to terrorize your family unchecked.
Some people are comfortable with violence and some are not. Personally, I think your actions sound justified-as long as you stopped once he was incapacitated. If you continued to lay a beat down after he was done, that would concern me because it shows a lack of control. Pregnancy hormones are also very powerful.
Does she still have feelings for him? Maybe. But they might not be the kind of feelings you’re thinking. Pity, regret, maybe a bit of ‘what might have been’. If they were like that together it could’ve dredged up a bunch of emotions she had thought she had dealt with. Was he a first love or something like that? Emotions are tricky (again especially when pregnant!) so try and be patient.
If it makes a difference I’m a MMA loving woman so I may be biased lol. But I seriously know it’s not for everyone and you must too. If she never saw you fight before she might not have realized what you were capable of, and if she doesn’t have an appreciation for martial arts I guess that could be scary rather than impressive.
Some people don’t understand until you deal with them like this. I don’t like violence, but sometimes it’s the only way. A guy who shows up at her married ex’s place to make threats isn’t afraid of the police. He takes calling for the police as a sign of weakness. Your wife’s extreme reaction to you defending her makes me think she has something going on with the ex.
He literally threatened to murder her, your actions have been the standard since our ancestors could walk on land.
Should you have called the cops?
Maybe? Idk. I’m fundamentally and practically against police and do not want their involvement in any sense.
You are 100% justified for beating a man, who came onto your property, threatening to do harm against YOUR WIFE and UNBORN child.
I applaud you.
No advice, NTA. Drunk ex is lucky worse didn’t happen at 1am to him. Remember, when seconds count, police are just minutes away
A lot of people in this thread have never been physically threatened or attacked and it shows.
First of all I agree that OP definitely shouldn’t have gone outside, he did not do the right thing.
But, people do not have the capacity to behave with cold rationality when they are full of adrenaline, OP went outside to tell this guy to fuck off, which whilst not the greatest idea you can see how someone would come to that decision.
However once he was outside, he was then confronted with an aggressive man shouting at him and threatening violence against him and his wife, to say that reacting violently is a sign of having an anger issue is just ridiculous.
It’s very difficult to remain calm and rational when your body is screaming at you to protect yourself from the threat.
Also everyone saying oh it’s totally not normal where I live to do shit like this, of course it’s not, it’s not normal in most places to be fighting in the street.
But in this situation I guarantee in every neighborhood in the world you’d have most people saying that this was understandable, if not justified.
Personally I don’t think it was justified, OP and his wife were safe indoors, he didn’t need to go outside, but I do understand why he did and I can’t say I’d behave differently in the heat of the moment
How does this guy know where you live? That’s my first question. Next is why is he still this hung up on your wife? I think you need to have a very serious conversation with her about those two things.
Then ask her what would she have preferred happen versus what you see as your role as her husband and the nominal head of the house (especially if she’s pregnant).
Hind sight is 20/20 tensions were high.
Yeah maybe you should have just called the cops, but HE should have shown up to YOUR HOME and HE shouldn’t have been THREATENING YOU WIFE!
Try to explain to your wife that you didn’t go to his home seeking trouble. He came to your home and you were PROTECTING her and your unborn child. People talk about protective mamma bear instincts, but people don’t seem to bring up protective father instincts. She has no reason to fear you as your aggression wasn’t towards her but for her. She knew you were a fighter before you married so it’s not like she can’t imagine you had this in you.
If after this conversation she claims that she’s still “scared” of you….then there’s something else going on. Either she still has feelings for her ex, or cheating on you with her ex. If she continues to sleep in a separate room GET A PATERNITY TEST! Then you’ll see the real reason she “fears you”.
Most of the people on this thread are clueless.
Did you miss the part where he had been stalking her? Did you miss the part when he said “he will find her alone someday and will know what to do”. Serious threats after stalking behaviour. He tried to politely get him off his property, he refused. Just because the OP hasn’t given a word for account of what started the fight doesn’t mean he wasn’t provoked and lost his temper. I live in London, police don’t give a fuck and couldn’t respond even if they wanted to…We have a saying round here “chat shit, get banged”. Wife is pregnant so likely full of hormones and anxieties, which is understandable. To jump to feeling afraid that the OP will be violent to her seems like a huge stretch. Seeing someone fight doesn’t automatically make them a violent person who is untrustworthy. If you have never been violent or abusive towards her it sounds like irrational thoughts which can be common in pregnancy. Apologise and explain your feelings, reassure her that you never have and never will be that person around her again. We all make mistakes, divorce is ridiculous in this situation. Police are useless, I speak from personal experience having been assaulted by a man who I told to fuck off after he put his hand up my skirt. In a high street surrounded by people…They didn’t even come out. So all these “call the cops” brigade would place their faith in a system that cannot support their communities, that’s crazy behaviour!!