#FamilyConflict #Therapy #RelationshipAdvice #Parenting #FamilyCounseling
👉My sister Myra (40F) has a daughter Callie (19F). Callie’s dad was not in her life when she was a child (his choice) and Myra was a single mom for Callie’s entire childhood. There was a time, when Callie was 8, that Myra got into a relationship with a man called Troy. They were together for 3 years and the three spent a lot of time together. Myra introduced Troy almost immediately and they worked on all of them bonding and getting to know each other. Then after 3 years Troy and Myra had been talking marriage. Troy decided to ask Callie for her blessing. Callie said she didn’t want her mom to marry him. At that point he decided the relationship as a whole was not going to work and he told Myra and they broke up.
Myra never forgave Callie for refusing to give her blessing and she blames her for the downfall of the relationship with Troy. He didn’t want to be stuck in a relationship where Callie would never want him around and Myra was convinced that Callie had lied for many years and has said Callie always said how much she loved Troy. I know that was more wishful thinking on Myra’s part and Callie never said anything either positive or negative. She was never asked and never offered it independently.
Callie knows how Myra feels about her and when she moved out 18 months ago, she did so with being fully independent from her mom so she wouldn’t have to be around her mom’s resentment. I have spoken to my sister about this and she denies resenting Callie.
Myra cannot understand why Callie stays away. She has complained about this a lot and has asked me what she’s supposed to do and why “this shit” has to be so hard and when I ask her what she means she says parenting. I told her a few days ago that if she really wants to know what her next step should be, I told her it’s therapy. I told her she badly needs it because she refuses to see why her relationship with Callie is so distant today.
Myra took offense to the suggestion and told me I shouldn’t be treating her like she’s crazy.
**Why Myra’s Relationship with Callie Needs Therapy**
Myra’s struggles with her daughter Callie have put a strain on their relationship and it’s clear that therapy is needed to address the underlying issues. Here’s why therapy is crucial in this situation:
1. **Unresolved Resentment:** Myra blames Callie for the breakup of her relationship with Troy, leading to unresolved resentment. Therapy can help Myra understand and address these feelings.
2. **Lack of Communication:** There is a clear lack of communication between Myra and Callie, leading to misunderstandings and distance. Therapy can provide them with tools to communicate effectively and rebuild their relationship.
3. **Parenting Challenges:** Myra’s struggles with understanding her role as a parent and the dynamics of her relationship with Callie indicate the need for professional guidance through therapy.
4. **Emotional Healing:** Both Myra and Callie may benefit from therapy to heal emotional wounds, address past hurts, and work towards a healthier, more positive relationship.
**The Benefits of Therapy for Myra and Callie**
Therapy can offer numerous benefits to Myra and Callie, including:
– Improved communication and understanding
– Resolving past conflicts and resentments
– Building a stronger, healthier relationship
– Addressing underlying emotional issues
– Gaining tools and strategies for effective parenting
**How to Approach Therapy**
It’s important for Myra to consider therapy as a positive step towards healing and improving her relationship with Callie. Here’s how she can approach the idea of therapy:
1. **Open-mindedness:** Myra should approach therapy with an open mind, willing to explore her feelings and work towards positive change.
2. **Finding the Right Therapist:** It’s crucial to find a therapist who specializes in family and relationship counseling, and who can offer a safe and supportive environment for both Myra and Callie.
3. **Commitment to the Process:** Attending therapy sessions regularly and actively participating in the process is key to seeing positive results.
4. **Understanding the Purpose:** Myra should understand that therapy is not about labeling her as “crazy,” but rather about gaining insight, healing, and creating a better future for herself and her daughter.
In conclusion, therapy can be highly beneficial for Myra and Callie to address their strained relationship and work towards a more positive and connected future. It’s important for Myra to consider the benefits of therapy and approach it with an open mind, understanding that seeking professional help is a proactive and positive step towards healing and growth.
NTA. She’s holding a grudge against her daughter for a relationship that didn’t work out years ago? Blaming Callie for the breakup with Troy is absurd. Callie moving out and keeping her distance is entirely understandable given the situation. I don’t know your sister enough to suggest therapy, but you are not in the wrong here.
In my experience people who need therapy never react well if you tell them they need therapy.
You’re saying the girl was 11 when this dude asked her “permission”?
NTA I think there’s an underlying issue involving Callie and Troy the fact Myra doesn’t even want to talk to anyone when she’s asking what she can do shows she deep down knows there’s a problem and don’t want to acknowledge it
NTA Myra is unreasonable.
NTA. It sounded like you talked to her in a loving and concerned manner. Hopefully she will come to understand how beneficial counseling can be for just about anyone.
NTA. You don’t have to be ‘crazy’ to go to therapy. People tend to assume that therapy is just meant to help mental illnesses and disorders but it can be instrumental in unpacking the past and letting the unspoken things be spoken.
If you what you say is true, Myra was blaming her 11-year-old daughter for how her relationship with Troy ended and she needs to reflect on how her resentment affected her and her daughter’s relationship going forward.
NTA. She lost her daughter bc she wanted to be with a man. I hope it was worth it
NTA. Dude folded because an 11 year old didn’t immediately jump for joy and her mom held a grudge over that. Utterly ridiculous
NTA, but… I’ve never seen suggesting therapy to be an useful strategy.
NTA. You’re only trying to help Myra see a very clear problem that she has, I hope Callie is doing well now. A child should never be blamed for a relationship gone wrong and that is something that some parents do need to hear. I hope we get some sort of update that your sister agreed to therapy.
There’s a lot of missing reasons in this post. Why Callie didn’t like Troy?
NTA
Would she be offended if you suggested a physician for a cut, or a dentist for a tooth ache?\
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Only the stigma against mental health makes this a bad thing. She is being ableist.
Nta
NTA. I’m not one for pushing therapy for every little bump in the road, but it probably couldn’t hurt in this case.
She’s upset because of her own silly conceptions about therapy. Of course you’re NTA
NTA. What is Myra convinced that Callie was lying about though? Did she accuse Troy of doing something to her or did she just not want them to get married? No matter what, she needs therapy to deal with why she resents her child for a relationship that did not work out.
NTA. You can try to state it in a way that does not offend your sister “Therapists are very experienced in family issues and they can help you understand why Callie acted the way she did and navigate your relationship with her in the future”. She does not have to believe she is the problem and needs fixing to go to therapy. She can discover that later on, hopefully.
NTA. She is blaming someone who was a child at the time for a relationship not working out. Probably Troy realized Myra was a bad mom (saying Callie lied) and decided it was not worth the headache, either way, it’s not her daughter’s fault
Personally, I don’t believe Troy left because Callie said no. That could be the straw that broke the camels back, but it was not the cause of it.
IMO this is the reason Myra doesn’t want but really needs therapy. The relationship was not as good as it was in her head. And with therapy she will have to confront her own role in it.
You have done your part, you have suggested therapy. I would also suggest Family therapy with mother and daughter. Only if these two are willing to sit together in therapy is there a chance for their relationship. If not, things will not change.
So, only crazy ppl go to therapy? NTA.
Weird for her to hold a grudge that long on a kid… Also not a bad suggestion with therapy. The issue is a lot of people don’t take the “consider therapy” route very well.
Your sister has her head buried in the sand it’s not even funny. Her denial is almost palpable. She definitely needs help.
NTA
Why is it that so many people think Therapy always assumes some one is crazy. Therapy is the mediator in your life. It allows you to see both sides to any conflict without judgement. It is a win win as far as I am concerned!!
NO – NTA. Your sister may not even see the resentment she has for her daughter, thinking she {as in your sister} did nothing wrong. And it does not matter how long ago Troy broke up with Myra … Callie felt the strain between her and her mother, distanced herself from their mother daughter relationship, and that is all that matters. If Myra truly wants a relationship with Callie, therapy is the only answer at this point.
You put it out there, it is up to Myra to take the first step. Again you are NTA. I hope Callie is doing well and you have kept open ties and communication with her.
This is almost exactly the plot of an Agatha Christie book (written as Mary Westmacott) called A Daughter’s A Daughter. (Not the therapy bit, but the Myra/Troy/Callie dynamic bit.)
Anyway. NTA.
NTA
Two full grown adults let a child dictate their relationship to the point it dissolved and ruined Myra and Callie’s relationship for the last 8 years. NTA. They all need therapy.
Nta
NTA. She’s telling you that she’s struggling emotionally. The appropriate thing to do when a crucial relationship has broken down is to get counseling—that relationship isn’t magically going to get easier on it’s own. As an outsider in the situation you can see that she is hurt and that Callie is hurt, so obviously they need to do something different. She needs to respond to her daughter in a different way, because clearly things aren’t working.
That’s what therapy is for. People don’t seem to get that. It’s not for curing ‘crazy.’ It’s for learning how to respond differently (and more effectively) to difficult situations.
NTA and use language of de-stigmatizing. Tell her: People don’t have to be crazy to go to therapy. They only need to be a human being who is struggling with some sort of issue, particularly if it involves a relationship. There are people who are trained to be neutral on who’s right or wrong and instead help focus on how to get a relationship back on track.
INFO:
Are you in therapy? My suggesting therapy lands a lot more softly when I refer back to my own experience with it.
NTA
NTA. It irks me that there’s still such a stigma around therapy. Therapy is a great tool for helping people understand things from an objective perspective and build coping mechanisms/boundaries, and I agree your sister needs it. But some people will never see therapy as a good thing, unfortunately, and will always see it as someone for “crazy people”
It sounds like there’s a ton of details missing from this story. They were in a relationship for 3 years and all it took for the relationship to end was an 11 year old saying she didn’t want her mom to marry him?
What happened during that 3 year relationship between the adults? Why did her daughter not want them to get married? Kids are more perceptive about social interactions than we think. Maybe the daughter observed unfavorable interactions she between her mom and Troy? Maybe the daughter had unfavorable interactions with him? If adults had built a strong relationship there’s no way one comment from an 11 year old breaks it.
The mom seems to be blaming her daughter for her own shortcomings in her relationship.
NTA
Therapy is not for crazy people. Therapy is for everyone to help them.
Whoa, were you talking to my mom? She’s also a grown woman refusing therapy and wondering why her estranged kids are estranged–or will be once I too get out of this house. Can’t wait to put my foot down and place the condition that if she wants to see me, she has to prove she’s going to therapy.
NTA. I hate that kind of parent.