“Is it wrong for me to feel like my dad and stepmom’s house isn’t really my home? #FamilyIssues #StepfamilyDynamics #ParentalDivorce #HomeIdentity
### Background:
– **Parental Divorce:** How has the OP’s parents’ divorce affected their relationship with each parent?
– **House Dynamics:** How does the attitude towards the OP’s mom differ between the two households?
– **Court Involvement:** Why is the OP required to split their time between both parents’ homes?
### Conflict:
– **Living Situation:** Why does the OP feel unwelcome and invalidated at their dad and stepmom’s home?
– **Ownership:** How do the OP’s dad and stepmom claim the house as “home,” and what restrictions do they impose?
– **Response:** How did the OP react when their dad and stepmom insisted the house was also theirs?
### AITA?
– **Validation:** Is the OP in the wrong for not considering the house their true home?
– **Resolution:** How can the OP navigate their conflicting feelings towards their dad and stepmom’s house?
– **Communication:** What role does effective communication play in resolving this issue?
What do you think? #HomeIdentity #AITA #FamilyDrama “
Of course you are NTA.
People who are that cruel and delusional about co-parenting a teen should not be given 50/50 custody. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking you are the problem here. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
NTA – your dad and SM are totally though.
“On Sunday my dad and stepmom told me I act like I’m a guest in their house instead of part of the family and that it’s my home. I told them it’s not my home, it’s their home. I told them I can’t mention my mom or keep a photo of her in my room. I can’t do whatever I want with my room like they claim so no, all of that means this was never my home. I told them I am a guest here half my life and that’s all I will ever be. They told me I was being melodramatic and my stepmom called me manipulative.”
Calling you melodramatic and manipulative is the pot calling the kettle black. You need to show your dad and SM this post with all the replies and see what they have to say then. They are setting you up to go NC when you are 18.
NTA, they need to know how you feel because of what they’ve created. At 16, do the courts not allow you to have a say in where you spend your time? Maybe when custody was first agreed you may not have gotten a say but it might be worth asking your mum if it can be looked in to. And have you spoken with your mum about the situation and how it’s affecting you? Your dad and step mum are creating a really negative space for you and it’s not healthy.
NTA
They made this situation and you have nothing to apologize for. Just hunker down and survive the next 2 years, but expect them to turn up the manipulative heat.
NTA
If they want you to treat it as a home, they need to make the adjustments; not you! You’ve told them what they need to change and they refuse to consider it, or even attempting to meet you half way.
NTA
Of course that isn’t your home. Home is where you feel loved and safe to be yourself. It’s where you’re supposed to let your walls down and relax, but how can you possibly do that when you have to constantly police your own words to avoid mentioning your mom?
Your dad and stepmom seem to think you can just leave a massive part of yourself, and your world, on the doorstep of their home once you enter. You’re not even allowed a childhood plushy that brings you comfort because it happened to be purchased by your mom 16 years ago!
Your bedroom there probably feels like a hotel room, except even hotel rooms let you have trinkets that remind you of home. The level of absurdity is immeasurable.
How you feel is 100% valid. It’s not melodramatic. They shouldn’t ask questions they’re not prepared to deal with when answered. They *should* be asking how they can help you feel like it’s your home – not blaming a child for feeling detached.
NTA. You’re absolutely right; not your problem that they can’t see it. If they spent less time hating on your mom and more time trying to build a relationship with you, maybe things could be different.
‘My stepmom even said she burned the photos of mom.’
This is not normal behaviour, btw.
NTA. Just spend the next two years studying in your room while at your dad’s house. Plan for your future.
NTA you are absolutly right, and good for you for expresing clearly what you felt regarding this issue since they pushed the subject. In regards for what theyr asnwer is, you shouldn‘t care at all, they sure don‘t care about you and try to badmouth your mom. They can go kick rocks of thwy don‘t like your answer.
NTA
NTA.
You are 16 now. how long ago was it that the judge sad that?
no judge i know of can force a child your age to go to a parent they do not want to visit.
They can only force a parent not to keep the child from visiting the other parent.
To me it sounds like you need a lawyer . not your mothers lawyer but your own.
Tell your dad your mum never bad mouths him and if he does not stop this treatment of you once your 18 he will never see you again
NTA what your father and stepmother is doing is called parent alienation and is a big no no. Does your mother know what’s happening there? Do the courts? I’d start recording what they say to you and what they say about your mother.
NTA…I would spend less time in a place like that.
NTA
Why would you feel free to be yourself when you are not allowed to acknowledge the existence of those you love?
NTA and using your time there to study is a good idea. But you may be able to ask the court to change the custody order, given your age.
NTA
NTA
The question is do you still want to have a relationship with your dad ? Do you still want to be there ?
If not tell him
I’m 16 now dad and I’m (?) weeks away from turning 18 when I will no longer have to stay here. When that happens after you literally forcing me by court order to live under these conditions 50% of the time I will be free and you won’t see me anymore
Tell him you’re there because he forced you and you’ll use any and all means possible under the terms of the court order to spend as little time with him as you possibly can
Only because you love your mom so much and don’t want her to get in trouble
It’s not your home, it’s a room in their home you stay in when you visit. Even if you were in a hotel you would be able to have a picture that you want displayed on the stand. NTA
NTA- OP’s dad sounds like a narcissist. Only caring about themselves (opening a business that put a huge strain on the family right after a birth against your mother’s wishes, banning things that bring you joy but they don’t like) and then the complete discard of the relationship and scorched earth tactics. That’s straight out of narcissism 101.
Its to bad u have to be forced to go to your fathers house. Whatn. a nghtmare
That really sucks. It must feel like you’re living half your life on hold. Are you at least allowed to spend time alone or go out after school? (You don’t need to answer, none of my business) I hope you have some way of feeling joy while you’re there even if it’s something small like a long hot shower. Definitely NTA.
Doesn’t matter why your parents divorced. Got nothing to do with you. Your mum is handling it with class. That’s how your dad should be handling it too. Particularly as he’s moved on, it obviously drives his wife to extreme jealousy.
If you’re being taught to ignore an entire parent I suggest you start practising. With your dad. And step mother of course because she’s just the woman your dad married. Seriously though, evasive manoeuvres. Every excuse to be out of your dad’s house whenever possible, friends houses, after school clubs, library for homework and ‘projects’. It isn’t a home, to them you’re just an accessory. I went through the same hell as a kid with my dad after he divorced my mom (he was cheating on her). Good luck, so sorry you’re dealing with this. NTA
NTA. They put restrictions on your presence, and now they wonder why you act restricted. You’ve done nothing wrong. From the way you describe the atmosphere at your dad’s house, I wouldn’t expect anything to change in the next few years you’re required to be there.
Wondering if you could keep a tiny photo album in your backpack or something. You can get a small one from the dollar store even. You’ll have photos with you when you need them, but they won’t be displayed and can be safely tucked away when not in use.
NTA. You nailed it.
NTA. Just stay silent for two more years. You don’t have to talk to them, you just have to sleep there. Lock yourself in your room, don’t interact with your dad. They don’t deserve your presence.
You’re 16 now. You should have a say in what parent you live with, especially if you can testify the parental alienation they have attempted with destroying photos of your mom.
If that’s too much for your mom, then just gray rock for 2 more years then you can block dad and burn him out of your life for good.
NTA. My kids refer to my house as home. This is where they live freely and feel welcomed. They visit their dad’s house. Him and stepmom do absolutely nothing to make them feel welcome there as a home.
NTA and you wouldn’t be wrong to tell those 2 assholes that are your father & stepmother that when turn 18, you can’t wait to never return to their shitty unwelcoming house. Plus toss out basic fact that it clear who the better parent & stepparent are because they never went out their way to purposely alienated you every visit throughout your life – unlike those 2 asswipes that stayed doing that to you.
Matter of fact, maybe you should point that due both their actions while you were growing up that you finally understood years ago that mom was smart to divorce him – too bad due to the courts, you had suffer your father & stepmother bullshit way too long of going out their way of punishing & removing mom; instead of genuinely treating you like a daughter.
NTA.
Tell father if they think you’re being so melodramatic and manipulative, imagine how it will feel when you go full NC at 18 because they’ve made their home such an unbearable living experience for you. You are his child and he is supposed to love and support every bit of you. Half of you is your mother so he is effectively telling you — and your stepmother for burning photos of your mom — that you’re a worthless pile of flaming trash. But that’s far from true. **They** are manipulative and are projecting their insecurities onto you.
Stay strong OP. Two more years 💖
Two more years, and then you never have to see them again.
I hate it when custody is about what the parents want and not what’s best for the kids. And your father’s wife is a real piece of work. NTA
Nta they’re reaping the consequences of their behavior. They’ve treated you very badly.
NTA. And I just want to make sure to ask: did you tell the courts the details (as opposed to your mom saying it or your mom petitioning for more custody but not bringing these details up)?
NTA
Dad is an ass for badmouthing your mother, no matter what the true divorce story is.
Stepmom is a small and insecure person, who can’t seem to tolerate she is not your father’s first.
Both are petty people, who belittled your feelings and are now surprised you’re not happy around them.
Your mom seems like a good person, and probably says nothing at all not on the matter to jeopardize your custody agreement, especially given the “wonderful” response of the last judge…
Hang in there, two years and you can erase them from your life for good.
NTA sounds like your mom and stepdad are super secure in their relationship and have tried to make it a priority for you to not be affected by the adult relationships…. and your dad and stepmom are the opposite.
The fact you can’t even mention your mom who you literally live 50% of the time… mind-boggling.
You’re not being manipulative at all wanting to have photos in your alleged own bedroom. From what you’ve posted OP you just told them the truth, you have no freedom to have up decorations which you want and therefore it doesn’t feel like home.
It’s not like you’re asking for spikes or chains to hang from the ceiling, you wanted family photos!!
NTA and definitely not manipulative. You did a great job of communicating. This is all about their insecurity and need for control.
NTA
First of all I’m really sorry your dad is such a dick. You are definitely NTA, and I’m glad at least that you have an amazing supportive mother.
Your dad is going the right way to have no contact once you are not forced to have contact with him.
Maybe when you’re supposed to sleep over at his try and organise sleepovers with friends if it falls on a weekend so you don’t even need to spend that much time there?
But no, what you said was right, you’re not being manipulative (although that b&(#+ of a step mother is!!), you were just explaining why you feel uncomfortable when you’re not allowed to express yourself at home.
OP describes herself as a guest in her father’s home. She’s wrong. Guests are treated with kindness, courtesy and respect. Under no circumstances could OP be considered a guest.
Don’t worry, OP, two years will pass sooner than you think…
NTA.
NTA
NTA. This is really hard but: “Dad and (stepmom) in (however many months) I will be 18 and after I will not visit. That may make my life harder in some ways but I will be successful.” Until then when you must be there be polite. If allowed to by the court you can move up that date. If you go to the court before you are 18 write a letter to present or read out loud for the record. They can disagree but it will still be part of the case.
NTA. They want everything their way and don’t respect your privacy and wishes. That is not welcoming and encouraging you to be a part of their family because you are a part of the ‘other’ family. So yes, you are seen by them as a guest (or interloper?) and now they act all shocked that you don’t feel welcome? SMH
NTA your mom is obviously a big part of your life and therefore a big part of you. This is an oppressive environment where they don’t even let you have pictures of your loved ones.
You know what’s actually melodramatic? Stealing and burning pictures of your partner’s ex and then rubbing it in their kid’s face. Like, way to be less mature than an actual teenager, Stepmom. Manipulative? You’re not but I bet a nickel she is.
Of course you don’t feel comfortable or safe in that space. They took specific, deliberate steps that made it uncomfortable for you and unsafe for your belongings. Of course you don’t feel like it’s “your” room. I mean the woman practically peed on it.
You shouldn’t say any of this to them. You’ve been told you’ve got two more years of this charade and no way out, so play the long game. Keep your head down and pretend to go along with things. Keep your REAL treasures at home, but buy or make some decoys for “your room” at your dad’s place to get them off your back. In person, be pleasant and inoffensive, and give them as little as possible of your real feelings to latch onto.
But inside your own head, know that they’re in the wrong, and that in two years you can blow this popsicle stand.
Go get a job. Or join sports at school, or take college classes. Something that will occupy your time.
NTA.
Im so sorry your father and stepmother are not adult enough and are putting you in the middle.
Your mom is amazing tho. You’re so lucky to have her and she’s really acting like a parent.
You’re doing great, and you did amazing standing up for yourself!
Hopefully the adults will learn from you and act maturely from now on.
NTA. Play by their shitty rules until you can move out. Then block them.