#HelpMeStopTheStreamOfConsciousness: Hey there, pals! So, picture this – you know that moment in Breaking Bad where one sister just can’t take the one-sided conversation anymore and flips out? Yeah, that’s me in a nutshell. My lovely wife and I both struggle with mental health issues, so when she gets into her stream of consciousness mode, it’s like a never-ending novel with no breaks. And let’s be real, I can only nod along for so long before my brain taps out.
We’re all about deep chats and discussions, but when it’s just a constant flow of thoughts without any interaction, it’s like being stuck in a never-ending podcast episode. And trust me, podcasts can only hold my attention for so long.
I’ve tried bringing it up with our therapist, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. So, am I just being a grumpy old man or is she just really chatty? Maybe it’s a mix of both. Any advice, stories, or insights would be a huge help. Seriously, I’m all ears (unlike my wife)!
Hit me up with your thoughts and let’s figure this out together. Thanks for tuning in! 🎙️ #CommunicationStruggles #MarriageWoes #NeedSomeAdvice
You seem to be having a problem reconciling who you want to be with who you really are. You want her to be stop this but feel badly for being the kind of guy who wants her to stop this. Stop talking about it and just walk away from her, you have a right to ask for some peace
I think you’re looking in the wrong direction for an answer.
If she is talking at you for literal hours on end, there’s something she’s looking for that she isn’t getting. In the Breaking Bad scene you mention, the reason Marie is talking and talking is because she’s worried about Skyler, knows something is going on, but Skyler won’t open up. The scene is not about Marie’s love for talking and how annoying that is to Skyler.
Of course, you’re not hiding a meth empire. But there’s something going on here that isn’t just “my wife likes to talk all the time”. You need to figure out what that is and address it, and the talking problem will solve itself.
Initiate sex or feed her popcorn.
Have you tried getting up and doing something else for a few minutes? Just to interrupt the flow. Hop up and start water for tea, unload the dishwasher, wash your hands, step out on the porch, physically interrupt the stream. When you get back, either start a conversation you are interested in or suggest a video game or show or movie, put on some music, change the setting in some way. She keeps doing it because it’s part of her pattern.
We’ve been married 31 years. I’m the talker. He most definitely is not.
I absolutely must download my brain at the end of the day. He doesn’t have to really care, but all those words must escape.
Our solution? I quite literally talk him to sleep. We go to bed, hold hands, and I ramble about whatever. I don’t need him to acknowledge, comment or even care. He occasionally mumbles a response for the first few minutes then we both doze off.
I get the words out of my head and it doesn’t impact his day or his time.😊
Does she do individual counseling? She obviously needs a safe space to talk, but if it’s taking a toll on your mental health, it’s not healthy for either of you.
Not sure if she work or if she does work what kind. Does she have interactions with other people? Or friends to be around that she can get to talk with?
If she doesn’t work then maybe she should work or get a hobby that is interactive with other people. She should also have people outside of yourself to just be around and have a break from each other.
Have you told her that it is taking a toll on your mental health? I see you said it can make her feel bad but sometimes that angle could help with the guilt?
I am the talker in my relationship and I just need to find something else to do besides talk, so I usually just play on my phone to fill the urge. Has she tried fidget toys? Does she use social media? That is another outlet that helps me, I only have a few people on there. I don’t even care if people watch it, I just like to talk 😅
Again just a perspective from a talker, it’s really hard not to get upset when you realize you’re talking too much. It triggers so many feelings from the past, for some people. But I hope you know that it’s not your fault, there is always a middle ground 🙂
I’ve been with my partner 6 years- I am the adhd speed talker, and he is silent minus a few words a day for the most part. Sometimes, I talk too much to the degree that he needs some space too- NOT because he doesn’t care about me or love me, but because it is overwhelming to him.
He comes from a very small family that is relatively quiet, where I come from a massive family where our reunions are everyone holding 4 convos simultaneously while borderline yelling. There is no such thing as an inside voice with my family. It was a massive adjustment for him to end up with someone like myself and my family that is just so vastly different to his life experience. And oddly enough, my mother and stepfather have the exact same dynamic.
What has really helped him, and conveyed it to me in a non-hurtful way, was communicating “Hey, I love you and I genuinely want to hear what you have to say. It has nothing to do with you, but I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now and am not in the headspace where I can focus my attention in the way you need. Can we schedule a time later today after I’ve had a minute to collect myself? I would love to talk with you.”
I’m not sure what your relationship dynamic is, but for a chronic talker like myself that has done wonders in allowing him to get the space he needs without it feeling like an attack on who I am as a person. The statement is blameless, reassures that he does want to listen and loves me, and that it is not something he hates but just can’t do it *at that moment.* It also sets a specific time where I *can* talk his ear off without feeling like a burden, instead of pushing it off indefinitely. Maybe this is a conversation or something like it that you could have with your wife during the times you need a little “brain break” from the babble.
my partner is like this (minus the weed and drinking).. he just cannot stop talking. Its exhausting. I tune him out half the time and am not even listening. And he can go ON and ON and ON telling one story. Its to the point I dont want to take him anywhere because he will monopolize the conversation telling his stupid fucking stories and i am embarrassed about it. We have discussed it but nothing changes.
He’s also severely ADHD, i dont know if that adds to it but god i just want quiet.
Give her a concrete amount of time to ramble at you with a definite cut off.
Also ask her to stop drinking so much. Three drinks every night is a problem.
When I finally divorced and got with a better woman who didn’t do this, I can’t tell you how much my life improved. It was like the sun coming out after 23 years of rain.
Date a guy. Some women… especially expressive personalities talk. It’s a compliment she talks to you but if it’s too much, tell her so and excuse yourself. You got bigger problems than your wife. Deal with those.
It can be pretty common in ADHD…as someone with ADHD. you have thoughts going around constantly like rapid fire in your mind and get excited about them and when you relax around someone it feels like sharing what you’re thinking about them although to the other party I’m sure it can seem like a lot.
Whatever you do be gentle because the rejection felt from this can feel like a personal “you’re too much” vs “I need some quiet time to process/relax/whatever my day”
Is she drinking 3 drinks a night every night? That is a lot of alcohol.
“For women, heavy drinking is more than 8 drinks per week.” – CDC article on excessive alcohol use.
I think the first thing you all need to tackle is her self-medicating.
I’m pretty much living a gender bent scenario of this. He’s the ADHD unstoppable talking machine and I’m the “wow, that’s crazy” autistic peace and quiet lover.
We’ve had endless conversations about it, the only thing that really helped uncover was: his talking at me has nothing to do with not taking an interest in me, he literally can’t stop himself and that my need for alone and/or quiet time doesn’t mean I’m not interested in him.
Practical things that helped:
Those topics they can and will go on and on about are on a timer. I get the same amount of time to talk about something he doesn’t particularly care about.
We have one quiet activity at least once a week. Few hours of minimal chatter, often a walk in nature or a film.
Sometimes steamrolling back is the only solution. Wait to get a word in, change the topic and if they cut you off just say “it’s my turn now”.
Guess that depends on your partner, but with my boyfriend a bit of a passive-aggressive humourous remark is more helpful than a deep, sincere discussion about how his endless monologues make me feel. We talked about it, a lot, sometimes all it takes is a little verbal stop sign to let him know that I can’t keep listening to the same topic for another hour.
Look, I get it, I fancied myself a great, empathetic listener too, but everyone has limits. I did explain to him how it made me feel like a human voice recorder and like there was very little space in our relationship, but the truth is he can’t just switch off the talking by himself just like I can’t switch off my need for calm and quiet.
*”Honey, BEHOLD! I think I may have had an insight! Would you be interested in hearing my potential brain-nugget, even if it veers into territory that has proved uncomfortable before? I only ask because I think I’ve found something helpful.”*
Here’s hoping she says yes!
*”Would I be correct that communication is your love language, or one of your love languages? And so when you slip into an unguarded state in which you share not just what you THOUGHT, or THOUGHT ABOUT, but also share the THINKING OF IT in real time, could that be an expression of intimacy for you? Like your whole personhood, laid out as naked as it gets. “This is me in the process of thinking the thing, this is me evaluating the thing, this is me formulating my opinions in real time. Ooh, here comes another thought…” and so on. I want to ask if that’s an act of intimacy for you.*
*And here’s why I want to ask: if you were just blathering because you’re stoned, I don’t think you’d be so humiliated when you realise I’m beyond my ability to cope with it. I think if it was [here comes a colloquial English phrase, switch up to something more local] “chatting shit”, then there’d be a lightly embarrassed “ooops, I’m going on a bit, sorry”, or “yup. Apparently, im doing ALL the talking tonight – tell me about you”, but it wouldn’t seem to crush you the way it does.*
*So I’ve been trying to figure out what’s HAPPENING in that moment that it’s so hurtful to you when I pull away from that dynamic, or that you look up and see that I’m white knuckling the situation but am totally struggling to cope. When I try to raise the subject just between us, or in therapy, NGL, you look mortified. Or other words that would fit the way you look in that moment are humiliated, ashamed, crushed and hurt. Are those a fair reflection of what you’re feeling at that time, or on the subject?*
*When would I feel what it looks like you’re feeling? I think if we were making love or being physical and I was thoroughly enjoying myself, thinking everything was OK, and safe, and close, but then looked at you and you’re looking as I do in the situations we’re discussing, I think I’d feel mortified then. If we were (insert mutual favourite sex act or position) and you looked at me, all irritated, described the exact thing that’s happening here as if it were a bad thing, or were even angry about it; I think I’d feel confused and hurt.*
*I wonder if my saying “but you’ve just been talking and talking and talking for HOURS, and it’s not even ABOUT anything, it’s just so many words and I can’t bear it! Why does it have to happen or happen at me?”, might sound a lot like if you would have gotten cross when I’m going down on you, with “but your tongue is actually ON my clitoris, and it’s just moving and moving and moving around in little circles! It’s so much movement and moisture! Why does this have to happen, or happen to ME?” I think I’d feel like you hurt me when I was vulnerable and open to you, and it’d make it harder to do that again.*
*Does that make sense?
What are your thoughts?”*
If my hunch is right, it’s intimacy to her, then that’s great because there are some pretty solid things you guys can work on with regards to her maybe ASKING if you have to energy to share her brain tonight, reciprocity *(“would you like to share YOUR brain tonight?* Or *”I’d love to share your brain on X topic”), and timing “I can give you until 11:30ish if you need a bit of brain sharing this evening – you get some blankets so we can wrap up together and I’ll set my phone alarm to 11:15, so we know when to start tying off loose ends, and bedtime doesn’t feel abrupt”* Maybe try *”I can see you really just want to share your brain a bit tonight but my social energy reserves are feeling quite depleted. Would you be happy with a plain old conversation about X followed by a period of just holding each other in the quiet this evening? Usually, the only time we just hold each other quietly is when we’re trying to sleep, but the opportunity to hold each other, play with each other’s hands and smell you hair for an hour, sounds as restorative to me as I think brain sharing is for you. Can we do that this evening?”*
I’m suggesting that you give it value. Which gives it A value. It means she can fairly ask for in to happen, but in an agreed upon context. If you’re not being utterly flattened by it all the time, you might start to like that she’s happy to “be on top” in this way, leaving you to daydream or enjoy the experience in a pleasurable way. At the moment, it feels a bit like she’s using you for her own gratification, all of the time, to the exclusion of other things you’d like to try and it’s not fun for you. So acknowledge her. Discuss the pleasure and the closeness it brings her, and then you can ask for parity, for equal say in how we either Use Our Time or how we Express Relationship Closeness.
There are a lot of words here, OP and I’m sorry, but I think understanding this one might be the key to this one.
Good luck OP.
ETA: Formatting
I feel for you, I wouldn’t be able to handle that 😔
Two things – 1) if you know you need to talk about something do it before she starts drinking. 2) when you hit your limit say so. “Alright my dear heart – my ears are full for the night. Time for other pursuits.” Kiss the stuffing out of her and call it a night. Let her know. Communicate your limits – “I really want to give your words the attention they deserve and I’m currently maxed out. Can we pick up again tomorrow so I can stay focused?” Is fair reasonable and non hurtful. Way better than shut up shut up shut up. 😉
Being waterboarded with words. My worst nightmare.
maybe y’all should stop doing drugs and drinking alcohol as step one, and then get some counseling as step two. this sounds like a total train wreck.
“I am feeling a little over-stimulated right now. Can we talk about this later?”
As someone who also talks a lot… This is a tricky situation. If I were your wife, I think the problem would be discerning which thoughts you find annoying or unworthy of discussion. How does she know if she can trust you to hear her out? What topics is she supposed to not bring up? What if she’s trying to pour her heart out to you, and then you just suddenly lose interest? I could see it being very hurtful, especially if there’s no clear distinction.
This did remind me of my mom, though. Being around her is exhausting. She says every thought out loud, no matter how mundane. “Oh I’m thirsty, I’m gonna drink a glass of water, now I need to pee again, oh look there’s a bird outside! It’s like a crow flying over the house, did you see that? And now there’s a magpie too. Someone’s walking past the house, I think it’s Mr. Smith from across the road. Oh, it is. I’m gonna go check on my plants in the balcony. [continues talking from the other room, expecting me to hear and acknowledge her]” Is this what your wife does as well? If so, I can see why you’d be really tired of it after a while.
I don’t think there is an easy solution to this, but if I were your wife, I’d like to have some clear cut rules on what I can and cannot talk about when you’re tired, or how long exactly I can talk before you feel exhausted. e.g. when you’re tired, you no longer want to talk about some serious issue she had with a friend, you’d rather talk about it in the morning when you can take it in better. Or like, you want to be quiet and read/watch something half an hour before bedtime, so you can better calm down to sleep. If she really can’t stop talking, maybe she has friends she could call? As a couple, you too easily rely on just your SO, and sometimes it gets too much. I can see why you’d be tired and why she’d feel hurt. Hopefully the couples therapy will help figure things out.