To provide a more comprehensive and informative response, let’s further delve into the situation and offer guidance to the writer, who is currently considering leaving her husband after he deceitfully filled out their marriage license to include his last name, despite their previous agreement that she would keep her maiden name.
Firstly, it is important to acknowledge the deep disappointment and hurt that the writer is feeling. Weddings are typically meant to be a joyous occasion, filled with love, support, and celebration. However, the discovery that her partner went behind her back and deliberately attempted to change her last name without her knowledge or consent has undoubtedly left her feeling betrayed and manipulated.
The issue at hand extends beyond just the last name change. It is indicative of a breach of trust and the disregard of agreed-upon principles in their relationship. This incident raises questions about the writer’s husband’s true values, communication patterns, and overall respect for her autonomy and desires.
It is crucial for the writer to assess whether this incident is an isolated event or part of a pattern of behavior. Has her husband shown similar tendencies in the past, where he prioritizes his own desires above their established agreements? Understanding this will provide insight into the dynamics of their relationship and assist in deciding the best course of action moving forward.
Communication between partners is vital for any successful relationship. It is advisable for the writer to have an open and honest conversation with her husband about her feelings, concerns, and the reasons behind her hesitation to sign the marriage license. A calm and non-confrontational dialogue will allow both parties to express their perspectives and preferences while encouraging a deeper understanding of each other’s points of view.
During this conversation, the writer should emphasize the importance of trust, honesty, and mutual respect within a marriage. It is essential to convey her disappointment that their previous agreement concerning last name retention was not honored, consequently putting a strain on their relationship. By expressing her feelings directly and candidly, the writer will have a clearer understanding of her husband’s motivations and intentions.
Furthermore, it may also be beneficial to explore the root causes of her husband’s sudden change in attitude towards their previously shared values. Perhaps there are external influences or insecurities that have contributed to his altered perspective. By listening attentively and trying to understand his standpoint, the writer can gain insights into his thought process and determine if there is potential for growth and reconciliation.
However, it is crucial to establish and reinforce personal boundaries. The writer has every right to maintain her own identity, both through retaining her maiden name and deciding not to have children. If her husband insists on disregarding these fundamental aspects of her identity, it is imperative that she evaluates the long-term viability and sustainability of their relationship.
The decision of whether to leave her husband is a deeply personal one that only the writer can make. It is important to consider not only the current issue but also the overall compatibility and fulfillment within the relationship. Partnerships require compromise and understanding, but they should never compromise an individual’s core values or sense of self.
Seeking professional guidance can be highly beneficial during this challenging time. A marriage counselor or therapist can provide an unbiased perspective, facilitate effective communication, and assist in navigating through the complexities of the situation. They can help the couple explore their emotions, expectations, and potential solutions, whether it involves working towards reconciliation or amicably parting ways.
Ultimately, the decision of whether to remain in the marriage or leave should be centered around the writer’s well-being, personal growth, and preservation of her core values. Relationships should foster love, support, and mutual respect, and the pursuit of individual happiness should always be a priority. Remember, it is never too late to prioritize self-care and make decisions that align with personal integrity and fulfillment.
NTA annulment if he is willing to lie about this what else is he lying about
Even aside from all the relationship stuff, this guy tried to trick you into signing a document that you were very clear you didn’t agree to. It sounds like he’s showing his true colors. I’m so proud of you for standing up for your principles and not going along with his shitty, misogynistic plan.
that’s really rough, but at least you found out he was a massive PoS (just) before you were actually married. If he’s been conning you on this, who knows what else he’s been conning you on and would con you on in the future. gotta bail :/
And this is how abusive marriages start.
Not openly and violently, but with small incremental changes to who you thought you were with. Slowly the “real” him comes out into the open once you find yourself with ever reducing options.
> I feel like I’ve wasted our guests time, our and our families money for the wedding, and now our future together because I let him fool me for 6 years and I never saw this happening to me.
> I feel like I’ve wasted my life and I’m backed into a corner with someone I don’t even recognize anymore.
Please do not let the sunk cost fallacy entrap you even further in this. Because sticking with it will have you leading a life that you do not want but by then it will be too late and even harder to leave.
This is after all how many abusive marriages start off.
If you are sure you want zero kids, get a long term birth control. If the name change is a hill you choose to die on, leave. He can’t be trusted. I will bet my hair color that he was talking to his brothers about what you want and they changed his mind. He totally deceived you and played you for a fool or an idiot. Neither are acceptable. Good Luck, but I don’t think this jerk will ever respect you.
He broke your trust. Can you really trust him now?
When they show you who they are, believe them.
It is EXTREMELY common for abusers to wait until they have their victims “locked down” (marriage, kids) before they become abusive. You just happened to catch him in the act.
There is no coming back from this. If anyone asks you why, you tell them exactly what happened: he deceived you. There is no reason for you to be embarrassed about what *he* did. It is not your fault.
Ummm ya no rip that paper into a million pieces and get the fuck out now! It’s the lying and trying to deceive that’s wrong here. You will be miserable, pregnant and have his last name if you stay.
Leave. You are young. This is supposed to be the best time of the marriage. He ruined that for you
Yes, run now. He thinks he has you locked in and he gets kids.
*You* didn’t waste time and anyone’s money. *He* did! By lying to you about super crucial things. Do not get married to him! What he did to you is super manipulative and disgusting. And you now know that you don’t want the same things (kids for example; or a mutually respectful relationship). Please do not give in – a marriage that starts this badly before it has even really started is a huge mess you don’t want in your life.
And he is not a kind person who wants to be equals with their partner. He wants “submissive” (“traditional”) wife. You are not interested in that construct/concept/role.
It’s really horrible of him to try and betray and pressure you like that. The fact that he’s a manipulative liar and shitty person is not your fault. He hid it as well as possible, and now he’s outed himself. So walk away.
Edit: spelling
You’re only 28, you have plenty of life ahead of you. Ditch this manipulative loser and find someone who truly respects you as an individual.
This is a classic tactic of abusers. Placate you until they think you can’t leave (ie marriage and/or children) and then they switch things up. This is who he really is. Trust your gut and leave.
girl, count it as a blessing that you had not signed the license. run for the hills! it may be hard to face your family but it’s better to do it now bc it seems like it is only going to be get harder from here.
you said yourself you’ve noticed a shift in him, what else is to come?? your friends + family want what’s best for you, staying because of what they may think is not what is best. sacrificing your values is never worth it
The only thing worse than wasting 6 years of your life with a man who was tricking you and who sees you as his property is spending 7 years with that man. If you sign that and legally marry this man you’re going to see it get worse from there.
Immediately stop having sex with him. If he thinks you’re about to leave he may try and baby trap you by messing with you BC or whatever form of control you use.
Next, divorce him. He’s a liar and a manipulator.
Finally, tell your family the truth that he lied and deceived you intentionally until you married him and then became honest once he felt you were sufficiently trapped.
He’s shown you his true colors. He thinks he’s trapped you into this marriage and won’t leave. Prove him wrong.
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>On top of that he keeps bringing up the child argument saying “we can’t both have different last names, and they should take mine.
He willingly hid and tried to trick you into getting his last name; this is (in my opinion) someone who would have no qualms about tampering with your choice of birth control method (i.e. pills, condom, etc). Do *not* have sex with this man, you don’t want kids, don’t risk getting baby trapped.
Oh girl RUN I’m so happy you didn’t sign
You tell your family that abusers often wait until they think they “have” you, and then they start to abuse. And that’s exactly what happened here.
It’s not uncommon for abusive men to hide it until the wedding happens because they think you’re stuck and can’t leave.
Leave.
One thing to note: you didn’t waste everyone’s time. He did. He’s the one who strung you along and pretended to agree with you and pretended to take your thoughts and opinions seriously and waited for the wedding ceremony to show his true colours. If he had been upfront and honest about his feelings, you could have made a more informed decision on getting married to him; but he obviously didn’t want that. He wanted you to feel trapped into going along with him. Don’t let him make you feel guilty. That’s what he wants.
I don’t know you but I am so fucking PROUD of you for not signing the license.
He is the one who tried to deceive you. He is the one who wasted everyone’s time, especially yours,
Contact an attorney, pronto. Since you didn’t actually sign the license, and he lied on it, you may be able to get an annulment.
If not, seek a divorce.
Do not engage in any physical relations with him. I would not put it past him to tamper with contraception.
This kind of trickery is abusive. Definitely seek counseling and resources.
The right partner will respect your boundaries and will not try to force you to change your stance on name change or having children.
You better not sign that fuckin paper sister I swear to GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
If your name weren’t a big deal, he wouldn’t care what your last name is. He cares *because* it is a big deal to him. You’re just supposed to care more about what he wants than what you want. This is what the rest of your life will be like if you stay with him. If you’re looking for permission to move on, I’m giving it to you.
OP rip the paper up in front of him I wouldn’t put it past him to forge your signature the clerk’s office won’t bate an eye at that but ripped up paper they will. He is showing you who he really is believe it and run.
If he thinks not taking his name is embarrassing, wait until he has to explain to his friends and family that you left him AND there’s no need for a divorce because you never married him to begin with. He deserves the shame.