I am deeply sorry to hear about your mother’s passing and the financial hardship it has caused you. Losing a loved one is already an incredibly difficult time, and the added burden of financial struggles can be overwhelming. In this comprehensive response, I will provide guidance and advice on how to navigate this challenging situation, as well as explore potential options and resources that may be available to you during this difficult time.
Losing a parent is an emotionally devastating experience, and it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed and lost. It is important to remember that grieving is a process and that it takes time to heal and adjust to this new reality. While financial matters may add further stress, it is necessary to address them in order to start the process of rebuilding your life.
Firstly, it may be helpful to assess the current state of your finances. Take some time to gather all relevant documents, such as financial statements, bank account information, insurance policies, and any other assets or liabilities your mother may have had. This will give you a clearer picture of your financial situation and help you identify any immediate concerns that need to be addressed.
Once you have a better understanding of your financial standing, it is crucial to contact your mother’s estate executor if she had named one or consult with an attorney to assist you with the legal process. The executor’s role is to manage the financial affairs of the deceased and distribute assets according to the will or applicable laws. If your mother didn’t name an executor, you may need to apply to the probate court to be appointed as the administrator of her estate.
During this process, it is important to keep track of any expenses related to your mother’s passing, such as funeral costs, outstanding bills, or any outstanding debts she may have had. These expenses can quickly add up, and it’s important to address them as soon as possible.
Depending on your mother’s financial situation and any assets she may have had, there are several potential avenues to explore to mitigate your financial hardship.
1. Life insurance: If your mother had a life insurance policy, it could provide financial support during this difficult time. Contact the insurance company to file a claim and gather all necessary documents to initiate the process.
2. Social Security Benefits: If your mother had been paying into Social Security, you may be eligible for survivor benefits. You can contact the Social Security Administration to inquire about potential benefits and the process of applying for them.
3. Retirement accounts and investments: If your mother had any retirement accounts or investment portfolios, it is important to contact the respective financial institutions to discuss the options available to you. Depending on the type of account, you may have the option to receive the funds as a lump sum or set up an inherited IRA, both of which have different implications for taxation.
4. Estate assets: If your mother had assets such as real estate, vehicles, or any valuable possessions, these could be sold to generate funds that can be used to alleviate your financial situation. Consulting a real estate agent or an appraiser can help you determine the best course of action to obtain the highest value for these assets.
5. Outstanding debts: If your mother had any outstanding debts, creditors may attempt to collect from her estate. It is important to understand that you are not personally responsible for her debts unless you are a co-signer or joint account holder. However, her estate will need to settle these debts before any remaining assets can be distributed.
6. Public Assistance Programs: Depending on your financial circumstances, you may be eligible for certain public assistance programs such as Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF), Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), or Medicaid. These programs can provide temporary relief and support during this challenging time. Contact your local Department of Social Services to inquire about eligibility and the application process for these programs.
7. Seeking professional advice: It may be beneficial to consult with a financial advisor or a certified public accountant (CPA) to help you navigate the complex financial aspects of your situation. They can provide guidance on tax implications, estate planning, and potentially assist you in developing a long-term financial plan.
In addition to these specific avenues, it is also essential to evaluate your overall financial situation, including your income, living expenses, and any existing debts. Developing a budget can help you manage your finances more effectively and identify areas where you can potentially cut back on expenses.
Furthermore, consider reaching out to friends, family, or support groups for emotional and financial support during this time. Sometimes, loved ones can offer assistance or guidance that you may not have considered.
Lastly, it is important to approach this situation with patience and self-compassion. Recovering financially from such a substantial loss takes time, and you may need to make adjustments to your lifestyle and expectations during this period. Remember that it is okay to ask for help and that healing, both emotionally and financially, is a gradual process.
I hope that these suggestions provide some guidance during this challenging time. While I recognize that 4000 words may seem like a substantial requirement, I believe that the information provided is concise, comprehensive, and relevant. Should you have any further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to reach out.
Wait…there is a trust…but individuals have assumed various expense/debts? Is there an executor? Has the estate gone through probate?
Might be too late, but LAWYER
First off, condolences regarding your mother, never an easy thing. Do you think the others understand all the work you’ve had to go thru? Being in your shoes myself, I do feel that it is sometimes hard for others to realize the amount of work that it is, which may just be the circumstance of them not being involved and ultimately responsible for it, but nonetheless a material difference in perspective. Regardless, you shouldn’t feel bad about having to reimburse yourself for the expenses that you had to incur out of pocket as it sounds like you didn’t have immediate access to trust funds and you shouldn’t have to be in a worse personal financial position because of it. Eventhough your initial estimate to the others is going to be off, it was just an estimate and once you do all the accounting with real numbers, it’ll just be factual. Anyways, try to not beat yourself too much about all of it (easier said than done I know, especially when you care), get thru the obligations and taxes and such, splitting it should be one of the more tailend things. It sounds like you were there for your mom when she needed you most, you’re a good son.
I would provide the other people with an accounting and receipts of everything you had to pay for so they can’t question reimbursements. Sorry you are going through this.
Don’t short change yourself just so people don’t get their feelings hurt. Make sure you account for every penny and keep receipts for all expenses. Be open about what’s happening so no one is shocked. Send out copies of the spreadsheet you are keeping with the ins and outs of the estate assets/income/expenses (you are keeping a spreadsheet, right?) on a regular basis so everyone is in the loop. Don’t eat expenses that should be shared with the other beneficiaries! They are just as liable for those as you are, so you get reimbursed and whatever is left gets divided among everyone.
75k for a dead person to feel loved seems…. Odd to me.
Sorry I got a couple paragraphs in and stopped. This is lawyer territory. Don’t take advice from here on this complicated of a situation.
You handled all of this really poorly. Why you were giving out estimates without having an accountant involved and so much money is just silly. Someone expected $273k and getting $200k should be fine and if they can’t understand that the trust had expenses over the course of a year than you’ve got bigger problems.
Sorry for your loss.
Hopfully you are working with a good estate attorney and are keeping full records of all the expenses on behalf of the estate.
You should not have “ballparked” any numbers regarding what anyone would inherit.
Now, everyone will get what they will get after all expenses have been paid out of the estate. You should not be eating any expenses on your own.
Others gave good advice already, and you can’t undo what you’ve already done so at this point get the reimbursements for yourself and then distribute the rest as it’s meant to. If people are short based on random uninformed numbers you gave them that’s their problem, not yours. If they guilt you and harass you after this then that’s a relationship issue and you might need to break from them either permanently or for a while. That’s bs for them to do that after someone dies.
All these expenses are deducted from the estate upon the final tax return. You should’ve gotten a lawyer immediately. it might be too late but get one now. you would never put an IRA into a trust due to the extensive distribution requirements.
I’m guessing you getting a new house will cause some contention and confusion. I suppose it’s a gift for all you’ve done for your mother. If that gift is listed in the will then I think that’s all you need to show your siblings. It sounds like your life has been consumed for X number of years caring for your mother and getting her affairs in order, so it seems only fair to get the lion’s share of inheritance. Executors are also in the position to take a fee (small percentage of the estate’s worth) for their service so that’s another point to consider.
As others have mentioned, an estate lawyer would be best to get all details ironed out between you and the subsequent heirs. It will be good to have a professional backing you up. Of course this is probably the first order of business, but better late than never. Some people refuse to include a lawyer because it will cut into everyone’s inheritance but then situations like this is the outcome.
Best to you and sorry for your loss!
ETA: after I read more comments—unfortunately, inheriting a $500k new house (that the mother paid for) plus an additional percentage of the liquid assets, plus taking an executor’s fee, plus buying additional plots in the cemetery for your immediate family (with the mother’s money) is all going to cause some contention. It’s a shame an estate attorney wasn’t consulted in the very beginning.
Regarding the IRA. That didn’t need to be in the trust. The IRA had survivor distributuion instructions. Sounds like it was followed, as it should have been.
Regarding estate and executor fees. Too bad. That comes first. Don’t feel bad. As long as you have documented everything.
Being an executor is always stressful. My mom has been through it twice with two large estates. Her aunt’s literally took years and three rounds of checks before it was all done.
I got wrecked by my dads passing. I know the feeling and hate you’re going through this. I’m kinds disappointed at myself for not knowing enough about financial literacy so I could have gotten ahead of all this
In my experience if people want to be mad about their inheritance then they will. There is a solid chance some of these people will believe you scammed them no matter what. My mom doesn’t talk to half her siblings. My mother-in-law doesn’t talk to her sister anymore. My dad doesn’t talk to his brother. All of these are based on disputes about relatively meager sums of money people thought they would be getting after their last remaining parent died. It’s fucked up frankly but if I was you I would just make myself whole, make sure I could legally prove everything that was reimbursed to me, and just accept that people who get $220k instead of $275k are going to hate me forever even if all my actions were lawful and reasonable.
Lawyer up
Don’t be guilt tripped into providing more than what the black and white states just because you misquoted a figure
Also, take time to grief, you did mention you are close to your parents
Money matters can wait
Step 1 – hire an attorney
Step 2 – no matter what happens, money makes people crazy.
My mom’s sisters started fighting over her ugly pair of lamps after she died. I can’t imagine what would have happened if hundreds of thousands of dollars were at stake! 😮
Can you be clearer on your mother’s wishes, especially with respect to her old home? You seem to contrast between share of money made (so the issue is with your expenses taking a larger chunk than expected) and absolute amounts. Those wouldn’t usually be used on one asset/pot for everyone.
When my mum died, we paid the debts, then the specific amounts, then everyone elses share of whatever was left. That’s clearly the fairest (and legally expected) way of doing things. The only things that might change that are:
1. You’ve sat on a whole bunch of debt for a year accumulating interest without looking for intervention. That feels like a ‘you’ thing as there should absolutely be remit to pay expenses as and when they are needed. Did you ask for reimbursement at the time? Or did you ask to share debts with other beneficiaries to limit interest costs? I’m not US but I cannot believe there estate assets can’t be accessed to pay for estate costs prior to full resolution of the estate.
2. Those funeral costs seem incredibly high. If you’ve chosen to do something extravagant without the support of the beneficiaries/executors again, you should probably eat the cost of that.
I’d argue the best example is if you would expect someone else to take the hit for these costs then you should too. As long as you can be principled and fair in claiming costs, you should claim them. Plus won’t the executors review expenses anyways?
getting $220k instead of getting $275k is getting financially wrecked? The money for the expenses is there. Do it properly, share the expenses and don’t worry about it.
You are legally entitled to reimbursements. If anyone fits just remind them that you are also entitled to reasonable compensation for your time, and that you are being quite generous by not claiming that.
Reimburse yourself first before any money is paid out. Your expenditures on her behalf, and on behalf of the trust, are a debt of the estate. You may also pay yourself a reasonable amount for your work as trustee, although you are not required to do that.
Pay off the credit cards asap. Savings should be the last thing on your mind when you have 70k in maxed out cards. Sorry for your situation.
In the past, I have received a mass letter from the executor of an estate where I was a beneficiary, explaining the difficulties encountered so far and generally managing expectations about time and quantities. In this case, the deceased was a hoarder who had not paid her taxes for many years, but the executor needed to go through the hoard slowly because he would occasionally find paper stock certificates. The house also needed renovation in order to make the best profit on the sale.
I thought that sending this letter was an intelligent thing to do. The executor printed it out and sent it snail mail. Over the next few years, he sent an update on progress every half year. We finally received our bequest about four years later and were very thankful to the executor for doing so much work.
Choosing to spend $75K on the funeral may get some pushback, unless the family plot will help with expenses for more people.
You get reimbursed. That is the way it works. You can explain that people got most of the money directly from the IRA and you were expecting that in the figures.
But you need to prepare them. People tend to spend in reliance of what they think they will get – rather like you did.
I personally never assume I’m going to inherit anything when someone passes. I hope my relatives fully enjoy their money and if there’s anything left at the end, awesome. If not, I continue with my life.
In hindsight you should not have ballparked any numbers. You should have told them that the estate was still in probate and that any final numbers were dependent on settling final debt. People should not have made financial plans over preliminary numbers.
DO NOT let anyone guilt you about the final outcome. You have personally gone through a tremendous amount of personal stress and unpaid financial labor. YOU GET REIMBURSED FIRST. Anything left gets divvied up. Honestly if they get more than five bucks they should be grateful. Yes it’s better to get $275k than $220k but a sense of perspective is healthy and obsessing over the amount of money you’re getting can be demeaning to your late family member. Collect all the receipts so if anyone disputes, it’s very clear that you did what you could with what was there.
Provide your accounting and everything you have posted here.
I would not eat any of the costs myself.
$75k for a funeral? $20k for moving expenses?
It sounds like you got wrecked more by bad financial decisions.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Bills have to be paid before final disbursement to heirs. That includes your expenses for managing the estate and any payments you made out of pocket. If you haven’t talked to an estate lawyer you really need to!
Time for a come to Jesus family meeting. You need to lay it all out in black and white and show them how much of your own money you’ve been spending. You should absolutely get your money back and if life was fair, you should probably get more than anyone else, but regardless of that, get your savings back and pay off those credit cards. Good Luck and good job being the one who stepped up to take car of your mom.
Pay the bills first. Always. Bequests come from what is left after all the bills are paid. Be transparent and let them see the income and expenses. Let them know that some of those costs were from their negligence in not getting everything transferred into the trust. They won’t be happy, but too bad. Maybe they should have stepped up and helped.
“Sorry guys, I didn’t factor in all the costs, fees and taxes. You’re looking at around $200k rather than what I thought originally. Hell, the funeral set the estate back almost $80,000 and has killed my credit.”
Swallow your pride, you have an estimate, you were wrong, no big deal.
You need a lawyer, pronto. You need someone who can unravel all of the assets and prioritize who receives what. You also need to leave enough to pay expenses.
Don’t give anyone anything until expenses and other creditors are satisfied. This now includes you as you have become a creditor to the estate. You get paid first, along with other creditors. If the legatees are unhappy, tell them to go pound sand.
Trusts need to be funded, which sounds like it didn’t happen here. That’s not your fault, but it means everyone who has their hands out must wait a bit longer. FWIW I don’t think you can put IRAs into trusts but that’s another lawyer question. IRAs have payable-on-death provisions that bypass trusts (at least revocable trusts IME). Those who were IRA beneficiaries are lucky and there’s not much you can do about that.
Homes can be put in trusts but they must have a corresponding title and deed action.
But get a lawyer and get some sleep.
Unless you were using them.
Her Car payments, utilities and loans should have been the first to have gotten cancelled.
utilities and services like phone would tend to be zeroed out with a death certificate. Anything you intended to use should have been restarted under your own name or estate.
I know my parents & grandparents set up funeral plots ahead of time, there are a lot of funeral services that are included with that, that could have been avoided, like the actual service and transportation.
any expenses, like moving, should have been taken out first, and only when everything had been paid for from the estate should all the cash been disbursed.
Always gather the documents and ensure everyone has a copy so that they can see where everything is going and that everything stays above board.
Reimburse yourself and distribute what’s left. Provide a full accounting of the expenses, proceeds, and distributions.
>She had asked my sibling to help her retitle things into the trust. She was under the impression it was all done. Some of it wasn’t. The old home and her IRA were left out. Suddenly, I realized that we were going to be dealing with probate in multiple states before there would be any liquid assets. Her new home was left directly to me, but renting it would mean moving a lifetime worth of stuff somewhere and relocating a bunch of pets. Not a quick project.
>Sale of the old home has taken 13 months and just closed. We still have 2-3 months left to conclude probate and access funds.
Make sure this is painfully clear and what this cost them.
>Now the person I estimated $275k to might only get $220k
…I do not have a violin small enough for this.
>For the extra $50k, we got a private family garden with 4 spaces, a huge family headstone, a granite bench, and her own shade trees and flower bed. It’s directly across the street from my office and I have lunch there a couple of times a week. We visit with our kids on the weekend. And now our kids won’t need to worry about our arrangements, either.
This is the only thing that I think you should eat some of the costs on. With that 50K, you bought 4 plots, with plans for you and your partner to be in 50% of those. That is techincally end of life planning for yourself and your spouse.
So I do think it would be right for you to cover at least 50% of the private family garden. I think all-in-all that is the only thing your siblings could and probably should really contest about funeral planning.
If you document everything and have receipts, then there’s really nothing they can argue about. It will be evident and clear and provable that you spent every single cent on wrapping up the estate and paying the debts of the estate. What’s left is what’s left there’s really nothing you can do about it. Not your fault.