Background:
This is a difficult and sensitive topic to discuss, but I believe it’s important to approach it with empathy and understanding. It seems that you genuinely care about your girlfriend and want to find a resolution that allows both of you to be happy in your relationship. Weight gain can sometimes impact attraction and it’s understandable that it has become a concern for you. However, it’s crucial to handle this matter delicately and prioritize open communication, support, and the overall well-being of your girlfriend.
Understanding Your Feelings:
It’s important to acknowledge that attraction is subjective and can be influenced by various factors, including physical appearance. In your case, the weight gain has affected your perception of your girlfriend’s attractiveness, specifically her jawline. Although personal preferences differ, it’s crucial to approach this issue with empathy and understanding, recognizing that beauty standards vary among individuals.
Communicating Your Concerns:
Open and honest communication is key in any relationship. However, discussing weight gain and physical appearance can be sensitive and potentially hurtful. It’s important to ensure that your girlfriend feels loved and supported throughout the conversation. Here are some tips on how to approach this topic:
1. Reflect on your motivations: Before discussing this issue with your girlfriend, take some time to introspect and clarify your own feelings. Understand why her weight gain is bothering you and how it affects your relationship. This self-reflection will help you communicate your concerns more effectively.
2. Choose the right time and place: Find a comfortable and private setting where both of you can have an open and uninterrupted conversation. Avoid discussing this topic in public or during a heated moment, as it can escalate tensions.
3. Use “I” statements: Frame your concerns using “I” statements, which express your personal feelings rather than blaming or criticizing your girlfriend. For example, instead of saying, “You’ve gained weight and I find it unattractive,” say, “I have been struggling with my own feelings of attraction lately, and I wanted to talk about it with you.”
4. Focus on health and well-being: Instead of solely focusing on physical appearance, emphasize the importance of health and well-being. Express your concern for her overall well-being and how you both can adopt healthier habits together. Encourage activities that promote fitness and lead a healthier lifestyle.
5. Be supportive: Offer your help and support. Suggest engaging in physical activities together or cooking healthy meals as a couple. Reinforce the idea that you are a team, and you are both working towards a healthier and happier relationship.
6. Seek professional help if needed: If your girlfriend’s weight gain is affecting her mental or physical well-being, suggest seeking professional help. A therapist or nutritionist can provide guidance and support in addressing any underlying issues.
Remember, the focus should be on fostering open communication, understanding, and support rather than placing blame or making your girlfriend feel inadequate. Be prepared for her potential reaction, which can range from hurt to anger. Offer reassurance that your intention is to strengthen the relationship, not to hurt her.
Moving Forward:
Weight gain is a common issue in relationships, and it requires patience, understanding, and commitment from both partners. As you navigate this situation, keep in mind that physical appearance may change over time, but a strong emotional connection can remain constant. Focus on building a solid foundation of love, trust, and support that goes beyond physical attributes.
Additionally, consider your own role in this situation. Are there any areas in your life where you can improve? Engaging in self-reflection and personal growth can contribute to a healthier perspective on physical appearance and overall relationship satisfaction.
Conclusion:
Navigating weight gain in a relationship is challenging, but it’s not insurmountable. With open, honest, and compassionate communication, both you and your girlfriend can work towards a resolution that allows you to maintain your love and commitment to each other. Remember to prioritize the emotional well-being of your partner and yourself, and seek professional help if necessary. Most importantly, strive to build a relationship based on love, trust, and mutual support, rather than solely on physical appearance.
Just talk to her about it. You both have expectations with each other. You can even make it about being healthy together and taking necessary steps to do so.
When people gain so much weight their jawline literally ceases to exist, they are unilaterally changing the terms of the relationship without their partner’s consent. You shouldn’t feel bad, she essentially replaced the person you initially committed to without asking first. It’s not shallow, you did real work in your life to be able to earn someone of X attractiveness level in the first place and now you’re stuck with someone who isn’t. Nobody would criticize a woman for being unhappy that her husband or boyfriend abruptly decided to abandon a $100k job in favor of making $25k at a McDonalds. She did the work on herself to earn a man who made $100k and doesn’t intend to waste it, so neither should you.
Ultimately nobody really loses weight to keep a partner. She already made the decision that she “has” you and doesn’t have to maintain herself anymore. It’s not gonna turn around. You’re only 30, do you really intend to spend the next 40 years watching her pick up 10 pounds a year? Is that the life you wanted for yourself?
Did you never both acknowledge this more than substantial weight gain and discuss it ?
The physical issue you described is not always weight related. For her age, the fact that this feature turns up with weight gain will likely mean that it will happen more naturally as she gets older. Collagen loss (a natural event) as woman age will make this happen on its own as the skin cannot retain its firmness without it, and she might be more susceptible to it than others. Obviously cosmetic surgery can fix it, but it’s likely going to plague your conversations with her in the future, assuming you make it to a future together. Speak with her honestly, either you have a strong and mature enough relationship where you can have difficult conversations or you don’t. Be sure to remind her that it’s bc you love her that you need to share your issue and support her to help her change it for her health. Know the risk might be that she decides she feels disrespected and unloved in the way she wants to be loved by a partner and the end result is a breakup. Hopefully that’s not what happens but be prepared for the possibility. Good luck this is not easy for either of you.
You sound shallow. You should break up with her so she can find someone better
Why did you leave her actual diet out of the post?
You don’t owe anyone apologies for anything. You have the right to find almost whatever you want attractive or unattractive. It doesn’t need to be kind, it is what it is. What you need to do is talk with her, though you can frame it around being worried about her health
Leave her or you will continue to be ate up inside
As a woman who’s been in her shoes, please just break up with her. The conversation did not motivate me or make me feel anything other than worthless and inadequate. I know it sucks, I can’t tell you it doesn’t suck. I’m truly sorry you’re both in this situation. The kindest thing you can do for her and for yourself is to leave.
Sending love.
We like what we like. You aren’t trying to be a jerk .we can’t help what we are and are not attracted to. I think just be honest with her and also to yourself of what you feel and what you want.
Honestly I know it’s sensitive for a lot of people (rightfully so) but at the same time I don’t think you should feel bad for not being physically attracted to someone who’s allowed themselves to become obese in the last few years when they were in shape/thin when you met them.
There’s a reasonable margin of change to expect in a partners body because people age and our bodies change as well as other external factors like the pandemic weight gain so many of us dealt with BUT in your gfs case when she’s put on about 70lbs that is NOT within a reasonable or healthy range whatsoever. That is obese and probably in the morbidly obese category.
With regards to how to deal with it I’m really not sure. I think it would kill me a bit to know a partner felt that way about me but also if they were who I wanted to marry and I’d become complacent with my health I think it could be a needed wake up call for her and something that could save your relationship and set you both up for the lifetime together you both want. Imo sitting her down and telling her that she is beautiful and you are in love with her and want to spend your life with her but her weight gain in the past few years has made it hard for you to retain physical attraction and that you want to be honest with her. Tell her you don’t expect her to be the size she was when you met her but also don’t want to continue if she has dangerous and unhealthy habits that will absolutely lead to more severe issues in your future. I would ask her if there’s anything you can do to help her be more healthy and also ask her how she feels about you expressing this. Please reiterate that you adore her and wouldn’t even bring it up if you didn’t want to spend your life with her but she’s too important to you to just break up with over something that can easily be changed.
I had to scroll farther down than I should to see that OP failed to mention in his post that she has a pre-existing thyroid issue….
You say she’s being consistent with working out, but she still eats more. Is it healthy or unhealthy foods?
Is she loosing weight and it’s sticking in that area? If so maybe find a way to breech the topic of chin lipo
Accept her or break up.
You can’t change another person.
Okay coming from personal experience, I went through this with an ex. We were together for a long time and our sex life was pretty good. But there was 1 month where we didn’t have sex and part of that was from me getting sick. Long story short, found he was watching a lot of porn because he found me unattractive since I gained some wait in the past few months due to stress/being busy. It all came out and at that point I knew I wasn’t happy with how I looked and really used that as part motivation to get back into it. I lost 25 pounds in about 2 months but I was really hurt in how this came out. I was never obese but I was on the thicker side.
I wish he had been more supportive and more honest from the beginning. It would have been nice if he suggested us working out together or walking more. Also cutting out fast food and cooking at home together would be good. It’s really a sensitive topic and there’s not an easy way to tell the person you love that you find them unattractive. I’d suggest trying other things first like working out together and eating healthier together first. If she can’t take the hints or become self motivated, then you need to be honest with yourself and her. Try to bring it up gently and at an appropriate time to see what her thoughts are on her weight loss. Say that you want a healthier lifestyle together. That’s what I would have wanted but everyone is different. I hope you guys can work this out.
She needs to find a man who accepts her as she is and how her body (will) change throughout the years. Accept and love her or let her go. Gosh forbid she gets disfigured in an accident or something.
I haven’t read all the comments so please excuse it if it’s already been mentioned . But perhaps she should look into insulin resistance . Apparently skin tags , a bump/ hump on the back , and double chins are all signs of insulin resistance . People can gain weight without having this which is why you might say some people “ carry their weight well “ . However insulin resistance can do things to your body that affect your outward appearance. Just like thyroid issues can cause a woman to develop goiters or have bulging eyes .
Just a suggestion …
If you really love her and want her to be happy, you need to leave. Tell her it’s you, and that you don’t know what’s wrong with you, but it’s not working. Then, go build yourself a robot to keep you company because real people aren’t your thing.
If you want her to lose weight….break up. She will get in shape so she can find someone new. Cause she knows what she looks like. She just doesn’t care now that she has you.
There is no way to make someone else care about what they look like unless it actually affects them.
Ok. I was never in her shoes or yours. That’s said, maybe the best way to tell her is to focus on the point you hate : the “fused neck sort of thing”. Don’t focus on her weight if you think you are able to desire her with weight and without that thing. It’s very very less hurtful
I mean what are you doing about being healthy as a family? Why not start doing the cooking and shopping so you don’t have any rubbish in? Why not try to go on a health kick yourself and ask her to do it with you?
Maybe start a new hobby that is active such as hiking or swimming and ask her to join you?
There is no way being direct is going to hurt her, but I suppose you could frame it as being more worried about her health and long term health? Because obesity is the second biggest cause of cancer so it is actually serious.
I’m 49 years old. I was very skinny in high school. In college I started gaining weight. Then lost it. Then gained it all back. Just this year I went from 140 to the 180 I am right now. Who knows what I’ll be in 5 months. More? Less?
If you can’t handle weight fluctuations then that is a problem. Some have them more drastic than mine. Some less. Some people are 49 and their weight hasn’t changed for years. When you are 50 do you think you will be the same you are now?
What is the plan if you break up with her? Get a newer, younger partner every few years as their bodies age? I can’t imagine giving up on a relationship where I was truly in love over one physical aspect.
Not too long from now, your own body will start to show signs of changes. I hope your partner isn’t as shallow as you, when that happens.
I feel kind of irritated reading this post because you haven’t been very up front about everything. In comments you mention that your girlfriend takes a medication that is known to increase appetite. She has Hashimoto’s disease, which you absolutely know as a nurse causes weight gain and fatigue. It also can cause her pain, which absolutely does NOT help give motivation to work out even if you *know* that having excess weight isn’t good for you.
I stopped reading after seeing comments that mention that because really, I think she deserves better. God only knows what other health conditions you haven’t mentioned. You care more about a jaw line than your girlfriend.
I think you should break up with her. You shouldn’t want to change your partner. As a nurse, it’s wild that you have so little empathy for someone with health conditions.
Tell yourself you love her all you want, but if you’re seriously considering breaking up with her over this you don’t
You sound like a fuckn dick, just break up with her, she deserves better
Would you also dump your girlfriend if she got cancer, lost all her hair from chemo, and was sickly looking? Christ! You sound incredibly stupid. Relationships and marriage change, people gain and lose weight, they get sick, they recover but may look different, they get depressed, sex ebbs and flows.
That is a normal relationship. And if you’re too immature to understand that and you won’t support your spouse emotionally if they falter…You should just be alone.
Honestly a woman’s body changes so much in life you should be with someone who has genetics that you’re attracted to. She goes to the gym so she’s trying. You bashing her about this isn’t gonna help your relationship. You said in a comment you wish she wanted it for herself- she hasn’t expressed she does. So if she changed it right now, it would be for you. And that’s not a good feeling- she should be with someone who loves her regardless. I personally would put her out of her misery instead of embarrassing her
Women don’t do well with criticism of a physical nature.
As she is working out now, compliment her on it and give her positive reinforcements. That would help a lot more than negative comments no matter how sincere.