Title: Navigating a Challenging Living Situation: How to Cope and Seek Resolution
Introduction:
Living in a toxic or abusive environment can have a significant impact on one’s mental and emotional well-being. In this case, the writer, a 23-year-old individual, finds themselves in a difficult situation with their adoptive parents, particularly one parent, Emily. The writer is seeking advice on how to make the situation bearable until they can relocate to their home state to live with their biological mother. This article aims to provide comprehensive guidance on coping strategies, conflict resolution, and seeking support in challenging circumstances.
1. Understanding the Impact of Abusive Behavior:
Recognizing and validating the impact of abusive behavior on one’s mental health is crucial. The writer explains how Emily’s yelling triggers anxiety attacks and panic attacks, exacerbating their anxiety about being alone with her.
2. Effective Communication and Setting Boundaries:
Communication plays a key role in resolving conflicts or clarifying misunderstandings. Encouraging open and honest communication could be beneficial in conveying your concerns to Emily. Clearly express how her yelling affects you mentally, and emphasize the importance of respectful communication. Additionally, establishing boundaries is essential to protect your mental health. Communicate your boundaries assertively and firmly, ensuring that they are respected.
3. Seeking Professional Support:
Mental health disorders require professional support. The writer mentions having an official diagnosis, which has not been disclosed, but seeking help from therapists or counselors experienced in dealing with their specific condition is essential. In cases of abusive behavior, involving a therapist can help mediate discussions and provide guidance on conflict resolution.
4. Coping Strategies for Difficult Times:
While waiting to relocate, it is crucial to have coping mechanisms in place to make the current living situation more bearable. The following strategies may be helpful:
a. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities like exercising, maintaining a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, and engaging in hobbies.
b. Support Network: Lean on friends, trusted family members, or support groups who can provide emotional support and understanding during this challenging period.
c. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Explore mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, to manage anxiety or panic attacks. Progressive muscle relaxation and journaling can also be beneficial.
d. Identify Safe Spaces: Create designated safe spaces within the home environment where the writer feels protected and calm. Ensure these spaces are respected by others.
5. Preparation for Relocation:
The writer plans to move back to their home state to live with their supportive biological mother. To facilitate this transition, consider the following preparations:
a. Communication: Clearly communicate your intentions and plans with your biological mother, discussing the logistics and timeline for the move.
b. Financial Planning: Assess your financial situation and explore options such as disability benefits or employment opportunities in your home state to support yourself during the transition.
c. Legal Considerations: Familiarize yourself with any legal or administrative requirements involved in the relocation process, such as obtaining documents or transferring services.
d. Self-Reflection and Apology: Before moving, take time to reflect on past decisions, including the choice to move in with the adoptive parents. Reflecting on these choices can help in personal growth and pave the way for an apology, if necessary.
6. Seeking Legal and Community Resources:
If the situation escalates and becomes unbearable, it may be necessary to seek legal or community resources to ensure personal safety and well-being. Research local organizations, helplines, or support groups that specialize in abusive relationships, providing guidance, advice, or immediate assistance when needed.
Conclusion:
Living in an environment where you feel unsafe or unsupported can be incredibly challenging and detrimental to mental health. The writer’s situation involves navigating conflicts with their adoptive parent, Emily, until they can relocate to their home state to live with their biological mother. By implementing effective communication, setting boundaries, seeking professional support, practicing coping strategies, and preparing for the relocation, the writer can make their current situation more bearable. As with any challenging circumstances, it’s essential to remember that seeking guidance from professionals and building a support network are valuable resources for assistance and reassurance.
Are you working?
Well you are over stayed your welcome, people get tired after a while dealing with it. They lose patience what it sounds like.
So time to get. A job and move out.
I don’t think there’s much you can do but move out on your own or back with your mother if you can’t afford to support yourself.
When you’re in an uncomfortable living situation, the best thing you can do for yourself as you try to get out is try not to take other’s behavior personally. Be out of the house as much as possible (take long walks, if there is public transportation learn it and take it, just make yourself scarce), and when you’re in the house, be as quiet, small, and agreeable as you can. Draw as little attention to yourself as possible, try to erase your presence as much as you can. Respond to criticism with “I understand, I’m sorry” and never try to explain why you did or didn’t do something. Think of yourself as an armadillo, and emotionally curl up into a sweet little ball protecting your insides. This won’t be forever, and one day you can stretch out to fill your space again.
Your post and comments are full of excuses. The truth is, you are a grown adult who has overstayed their welcome at someone else’s house. It doesn’t matter why Emily is no longer happy with the arrangement, it’s her house.
You need to suck it up and do some hard things. You can either move out now and be homeless for a while, or keep your head down, get another job, save up money, and get your own place once you’ve saved enough. Research public transportation in your area. Or get a handle on your anxiety and retake the driving test.
Is it going to be fun? No. Is it going to be easy? No. But now is the time to start taking responsibility for your own life.
Clearly no one has taught you how to be independent. But now is the time to learn. The internet has a whole world of information on how to do even the most basic of things. Start learning. Start trying, and start bettering yourself. Good therapy, meds, and a support plan can help you keep on track and make the most of your abilities.
How did you meet these people?
This is a bit of an aside, but I saw in one of your comments you mentioned schizophrenia. If you truely have a diagnosis and your disability is interfering with your ability to work you might qualify for disability payments through social security if you are in the US. This could help you live independently and get you out of your current living conditions.
“Learned helplessness” maybe this theory will give some insight in your thoughtproces? As you seem old and capable enough to make a change yourself. At least you should see this as an option, I think. Maybe you don’t need to rely on a caregiver..
Maybe I am wrong, but this is how you come across to me
Why would random people off discord adopt an adult? Why do you think people owe you a living when you’re 23? They’ve supported you for 5 years. It sounds like there’s a lot you’re not telling us. It’s time to get a job and support yourself
You need to stop working part time and start working full time to support yourself. You are an adult. You need to stop looking for another adult to take care of you and start doing what you need to take care of yourself. It sucks that you have a disability but you have to learn how to support yourself with your disability.
What the fuck did I just read.
What does Martha have to say about all this?
Anyone else’s weirded out a woman in her 30s was “really good friends” with a 16 year old she met on discord?
That is a highly unusual situation (near strangers adopting you), very open to all sorts of abuse and plain mismatched expectations. In short, you’ve been staying with two adults who are not related to you by blood, don’t share much history with you, and are now displeased to have you in their house so they are expressing their feelings and inadvertently or not have created a hostile environment.
I suspect the reason for their unhappiness is living with you in general and there is no behavior you could adopt that would stop it. I don’t think they will be happy, content, or calm until you leave.
Are you medicated for your illness? The reason I ask is that it might make life a little easier for you.
What is Martha’s take on the situation? Where does she stand? Is there anything you’re not being entirely truthful about here? Lastly, was Martha also of the opinion you were a danger to others, and what prompted them to believe that?
ETA: I see you said you ‘don’t know how to live by yourself’ and that you ‘don’t do the dishes right but they won’t tell you how they like them done’, listen life with a parent who didn’t teach you how to do things is hard. Life with a disability – which your illnesses are – is hard too. But at some point, you have to make a decision to learn the things you need to learn, and make changes. You cannot go through life on the goodwill and kindness of others, nor can you go through life doing the bare minimum. You cannot go through life being pandered to. You don’t know how they like the dishes done? Well, they’re dishes, there isn’t a ton of ways to do them for a start, so if your way isn’t working, try something else. Frankly, it sounds like an excuse. Why aren’t you watching how they do them, if you want to show willing? Not knowing how to adult does not mean you’re exempt from learning. Life is not going to be kind to you dude, unless you begin to work on yourself. Life is not going to be easy, but it’s certainly going to be harder if you continue to make excuses for your own missteps, mistakes & inadequacies. You want to figure out how to merely placate her in order to fly under the radar and make it bearable for YOU – the fact you showed no regard for the impact it’s having on others says everything. The better and more mature thing to do would be to examine your behaviours, own your mistakes and actively make changes. Stop trying your make it bearable for you, and start trying to be an adult. Stop trying to just get by, and start trying to get things done. Show them that you want to do better and can do better. Show them that you’re aware things have to change. Show them that you want to be an adult. You’re likely coming across as ungrateful, and that hurts people. Yes, her shouting is triggering you and that’s not okay, but have you considered she has been pushed too far and rightly or wrongly cannot hide it anymore. The straw that broke the camels back, if you will. It’s hard to remain kind and considerate to someone who is actively hurting you. I would urge you to work on yourself, stop making excuses and start doing more to help in the house. Again, show yourself as willing to do better. Actions mean more than words.
this really reads as a chronically online person. the laundry list of diagnoses, the random lesbian parents met on discord, the inability to take accountability for one’s actions. all of this could have been avoided if you took some responsibility.
INFO you never said why they were kicking you out or that they were trying to kick you out. You said you’re trying to move. Wdym? Also I heard from another comment that you have schizophrenia. What exactly did you do that made them think you were a danger to yourself? And by behaving strangely what do you mean? Like there’s so many details missing. It’s also so odd that you were adopted by some adult you met on discord. That’s definitely not appropriate.
I agree with most of the existing comments and won’t bother piling on. But I do want to make some suggestions that hopefully help answer your question.
Given your financial situation, you should qualify for a Pell grant, which would allow you to attend a community college for free. I don’t know where are you so I can only speak generally, but community colleges often have tons of resources and people who like to help. These resources can include covered public transit, free or low cost food, and mental health services. Fight all the voices in your head that want to throw down a million excuses as to why you can’t make a go at college, and actually look into it. Additionally, there are often campus jobs of all types available to students. It’s probably too late to catch the fall semester, but there might be half semester or winter semester courses available. Many community colleges offer trade programs, too, if you’re not into an academic path.
While you’re doing that, start pursuing disability payments. As many have said, the process often takes many months, so get started now.
Ask Martha and Emily to chat (do this while you’re not already in an argument). Apologize to them for things being off track and express your gratitude for what they’ve done for you. Resist the urge to make excuses. It is enough just to say, “I know things haven’t been going well, and I am sorry for that.” Full stop. Then explain your exit plan. Explain that you’re looking into/signing up for classes, that you’re pursuing disability, that you’re attempting to make living arrangement with your mother. Prepare some sort of realistic timeline for these things. If Emily at least sees some sort of light at the end of the tunnel, or even a glimmer of hope that you’re trying, she might be able to muster up some grace.
If you know that the dishes have been an issue, then ask for directions. Explain that you know you haven’t been meeting expectations, but you’re going to step up. It sounds like you had a rough upbringing, and as a result you probably didn’t have some basics things modeled for you. I also grew up without an adult to model basic things like this, and I understand it can be tricky to learn as an adult. But that doesn’t mean you just throw your hands up – you have to take the time and energy to learn.
It sounds like you’re living with them for free. Unfortunately, you’ve squandered some years away without much to show for it, but it isn’t too late to right the ship. If they’re willing to let you stay another few months, use that time wisely. Even if you move in with your mother, you are eventually going to need to be independent. Use this time to focus on your future. If you truly can’t even attempt school, then at least go volunteer somewhere to build up experience. Plenty of people get life and work experience through volunteer work that ultimately helps them get into a job. You need to make some sort of effort both to show yourself and others that you’re capable of doing so. It is going to be challenging. You’re going to have to break the excuse habit but it is an obstacle you can overcome with some time and effort.
How’s your relationship with your bio-mother? Why is it a few months to move to her?
If things are not safe where you are, you may want to try and fasten the process to move to your bio-mother’s place.
It is going to be hard avoiding one of your adoptive mothers here (Emily) since you’re living in her place. What you can attempt to do is ‘play by their rule,’ for a little bit until you are able to leave. Grey rock them. Avoid disagreeing with them. Then you leave and never look back.
Just keep on taking care of your mental health treatment you’re doing now when you do move to your bio mom’s house.
So I’ve read through your posts and comments, and this is the best advice I can give.
You’re not a terrible person, nor are you the *whole* problem.
But you do have a part. I’ve been there, I had a part too.
They’ve taken care of you for 5 years and, according to your comments, have wanted nothing inappropriate from you and treated you well for a good period of that time up until recently.
Unless I’m missing something, all of this leads me to believe that they are not bad people, just frustrated and not sure how to project that emotion in a productive manner.
I see you in the mental health department, been there too.
I’ll tell you where you may be going wrong and how you can try harder.
They should no longer have to have a discussion on what they should expect from you. They did that when you were a teen and new to their home. Now, you are an adult sharing a living space with them. When you see something needs to get done, you should just do it. I understand that with mental health, sometimes brushing your teeth feels like pushing a boulder uphill, but this is just one of those tough things you gotta work on.
Yes, your room now might be better than it was. But (and PLEASE DONT TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, I GOTTA BE HONEST) it is still awful. From the small part I did see, nothing really seemed tidy, and everything was all over the place. Your mental health is probably way worse because of that. My only tip when it gets that bad is just start somewhere. It’s okay if you give up an hour later, but an hour once a day will do wonders in getting it sorted, not to mention the wonders it would do for your mental health
I understand you are struggling right now, but you are also keeping yourself there. That’s not to say you’re not a good person and I want you to give yourself some grace but some accountability and effort would to a long way.
This is so bizarre.
I think there are some things you need to accept here, that you seem to be in denial of.
Firstly, those aren’t your parents. Whatever is between the three of you, it’s not a family, or whatever you’ve made it up to be. Those two people are just two needy weirdos that you met online.
Secondly, the poor childhood you received isn’t something you need to make up for. Seeking out a parent or parents isn’t the next move for you. You need friends. Peers. Not people you depend on, as you are no longer a dependent. People who you voluntarily rely on, and who can voluntarily rely on you, but wherein you are all, collectively, are independent ADULTS.
Sorry things didn’t turn out better. Don’t go back to your biological mother, don’t stay with these new people. Move out, find your own place, build your own life.
Hi there. I’m so sorry, it sounds like you have so much trauma and not a lot of great elders guiding you.
Everything has already been said, but as someone working in the MH field, please please try to find a new psych asap. Call lgbtq groups near your bio mom and see if they can connect you to some better therapists and psychiatrists. Sometimes they get grants and offer free services as well. You could do remote therapy until the move. The DSM-5-TR (the diagnostic tool used by US professionals) does not allow this many diagnoses, as in, some of the ones you have literally cannot occur with others. This is important because peeling back the layers and discovering your true diagnosis can help you get on the right meds, which will greatly improve your life. Some meds can exasperate certain symptoms, clearing up your diagnoses can help work through everything going on in your body. I know a lot of people have come for you, I’m not trying to do that, it can just be life changing for you to get connected with quality providers and a solid diagnosis.
I hope you can repair things with your bio-mom. Asking for forgiveness and getting on her insurance would be awesome. As for your adoptive moms, maybe considering “distance makes the heart grow fonder” will help with the feelings there. Wishing you the best of luck on this upcoming transition!