Are my lake friends crossing boundaries by constantly intruding on our space, and am I in the wrong for addressing it? #LakeFriends #Boundaries #Stalking #Respect #AITA
### Lake Friendship Dynamics
– Have you ever had friends who push boundaries in your home?
– Do you feel like your privacy is being invaded by well-meaning but overbearing friends?
– Are there protocols for social interactions at the lake that some friends might not understand?
### Dealing with Overbearing Friends
1. How do you address unwanted intrusions from friends who don’t respect boundaries?
2. Should you feel guilty for setting limits with friends who make you uncomfortable?
3. What steps can you take to maintain a healthy relationship with friends who cross boundaries?
### Seeking Validation for Standing Up
– Is it necessary to confront friends who make you feel uncomfortable in your own space?
– When is it appropriate to assert boundaries with friends who exhibit stalker-like behavior?
– How do you navigate friendships where one party feels intruded upon by the other?
NTA. That’s ridiculous behavior for two adults. It’s absolutely inappropriate to be receive a decline to an invite to hang out, then to go to the place you suspect the people will be, and try to hang out anyway. If you publicly propose to hang out after you’ve been privately told no, you can’t be embarrassed by the answer YOU WERE ALREADY GIVEN.
NTA. Good for you for finally standing up to them and saying something. People like that are exhausting. They’re pushy and rude and just think about what they want. You tell them you’re busy and they still show up? Take it as a win that you haven’t heard from them. Enjoy your lake house with your invited guests and give them no more thought. Your core friends who think you were wrong are probably the type who believe all the “keep the peace” and “be the bigger person” garbage. You were right to speak up.
NTA – my wife and & definitely fall into the people pleaser category, and sometimes people with no regard for boundaries trample over people like us. And while we try to be subtle in a way that says no without being rude … the moment they ‘don’t take no for an answer’ – you know they don’t respect you.
And that is a hard lesson, but it is important – honoring boundaries means respect (and ignoring them is disrespect).
At this point you have an opportunity to decide whether or not you ever want to see them again (my suggestion? no) and make that clear … they think you’re rude, and you are losing actual friends because of them – so tell them to go away … don’t call us we’ll call you, don’t stop by unannounced, do not approach us if we’ve said we’re busy … or just say we have no interest in talking to you ever again.
NTA
You didn’t embarrass them. They embarrassed themselves. And it sounds like your other neighbors feel free to talk behind their backs. All you did was politely enforce a boundary that was getting stomped on.
NTA.
The way you handled this was textbook perfect, except that you could have done it sooner.
They checked in via text, and you told them you were busy. They showed up anyway, and you told them you were busy. Perfect! That is not mean. That is not rude. They showed up when you specifically told them that you weren’t available, and then they acted all butt-hurt because you repeated, “We are not available.”
If anything, it might be helpful to set a more explicit boundary with them. Like this: “Hey, if we say we are busy, then that means we aren’t free for you to come over. If you do come over, we will send you away.” That is a completely normal and healthy boundary to set.
Sometimes clueless people need to hear the rules very openly and clearly.
Sounds like they’re willfully clueless. Social conventions like this are commonly understood, and most adults know you don’t invite yourself to someone else’s party. Further, just because someone is hanging out in a public area doesn’t mean they want to hang out with >you< in a public area.
If someone cant take a hint – and it sounds like they’ve received plenty of hints – it’s time to tell them in plain language. Nothing wrong with the way you did it, and they set themselves up for their own disappointment.
NTA
NTA and sometimes socially clueless people need to have their behavior held up to a mirror. You told them you were unavailable to them, they showed up anyway and tried to invite themselves to your gathering. Good for you for both what you said while on the pontoon and for your text message. Apparently, they needed to be told that they are not automatically welcome to join other people’s gatherings. I can only hope that it actually sank in and the two of them will text someone before showing up to ASK if they are available to hang out and then respect the answer if it is ‘no’.
>Later, I got an angry text from Helene. She said I was rude and embarrassed them. I texted back saying I was sorry they felt that way, but they needed to respect when we’re busy, and that at times my husband and I felt stalked. Haven’t heard
It looks like you have solved your “unwanted visitors problem”? And, if they will annoy you again, you know what to do 🙂
NTA.
NTA
I’d say you did the right thing by finally telling them. If they are upset about it, it’s their own fault for continually forcing their company on you. They could be the nicest people on earth but if you are entertaining some other people, they should not invite themselves into that situation.
And they can’t be the nicest people on earth because they are crashing your own hospitality.
No, you are not wrong. Stalking is probably an appropriate label for their behavior, because they are obviously keeping an eye out for when you are “available” for them to barge in on you. Also, you were right not to bring your other neighbors into the conversation; let them do their own dirty work. Maybe Roger and Helene will now choose one of them to harass, and they’ll get the picture.
Sometimes you just have to say the words to protect yourself because some people just don’t take a hint.
NTA holy shit. She embarrassed herself by not being able to pick up on two years of very unsubtle hints or not being able to get the very very basic concept of boundaries.
Your friends don’t have to live with these people constantly bothering you and never giving you a moment of peace to live your life or spend time with friends and loved ones that doesn’t involve them, they just see a friendly person said “Hey can we tie up” and you told them to fuck off. In actuality your nosy neighbors with boundary issues just showed up an invited themselves to your party like they ALWAYS do and you again reminded them of the kind of boundaries most of us learn when we’re twelve.
NTA
Your script was perfect actually, not rude at all. They ignore you when you say you’re busy so you have to be explicit. They’re the rude ones.
If they’ve stopped talking to you enjoy the break.
Don’t discuss this with the other lake neighbours anymore. It’s totally on them if they are fine with the stalking. You are not fine with it and you dealt with it. It’s annoying for the neighbours to contradict themselves but some people will tie themselves in knots rather than have any kind of confrontation or look in any way the bad guy. Oh well good for you
NTA Forcing yourselves on people is not friendly. LOL Enjoy your time
without them.
Sometimes there are no magic words that will not ruffle feathers **and** solve the problem.
As for your friends who think this isn’t a big deal — explain that your guests from out of town had declined visits because they didn’t want to spend the weekend with strangers. (Who just walks into a party in someone’s yard?!)
NTA.
NTA. You simply set boundaries for people who are oblivious to social cues, or pretend to be. They are rude and obnoxious and I sure hope you’re free of them from now on.
NTA. My aunt has a lake house as well and everyone respects if there are guest or family visiting with each other. It’s one thing to swing by and say hi for a little bit but not for hours on end.
You gave them a head’s up that you’re entertaining people and they still felt the need to insert themselves into your plans.
NTA. It sounds like they weren’t actual friends you want to keep if they can’t respect your boundaries. Don’t feel bad. Your other friends I’m sure will eventually hit their breaking point.
NTA. But I will say that this happens all the time. People use up their patience gas tank enduring until they can’t take it anymore then speak up angrily without patience and hurt the feelings of the other party. More people should address things sooner while they still have patience in their tanks. It’s needed for hard conversations to turn out well.
NTA, but what they’re doing isn’t stalking…they’re just being ignorant of social cues. Sometimes you need to be more upfront with people, and now that you’ve laid down boundaries hopefully it’ll be a non-issue.
Your core group are happy to complain and gossip behind Roger and Helene’s back but are backtracking now that you’ve said something? Well, they can feel free to become better friends with R&H if they feel so strongly about it (spoiler alert: they won’t).
NTA
Suggestion though: Instead of saying you are busy, be more precised. Sorry, we have guests over and we want some quality time with just them today.
Usually, saying you are busy will be enough for normal people. But those are a species of their own. For them, it’s an open invitation. When you texted them you were busy, ok. But what about now? I see them on the lake, they are not busy anymore! Let’s go!
Also, I don’t think they are stalking, but they are acting clueless on purpose? I don’t know if it makes sense. lol.
NTA….These two obviously do not respect boundaries and frankly I can’t believe you made it this long without saying something.
NTA- I assume you worked very hard and paid a lot of money to get that lake house and if they are being such a bother that you don’t enjoy it then you have the right to say something. You didn’t yell or scream or go over the top but politely told them no. They took it to the next level by sending you angry texts which you again just responded to
NTA- However, I think calling them stalkers when this is the first time you have brought up that this behavior bothers you is a bit much. I would maybe apologize for using that word but tell them, something like we have tried to let you know when we were busy with other commitments but you would still stop by. I am sorry that being direct upset you but that’s the only way you seem to respect our space and time. In the future when we say we are busy please respect how we are spending time that day thank you.
NTA. They needed to be told to back off. If they’re not respecting boundaries after being told you’re busy, you needed to be blunt. You were. Now they know and you should have some peace.
The only mistake you made was not enforcing your boundary sooner. NTA
NTA- once again the fake apology to the rescue!
Send them a card saying ” I’m so sorry it hurt your feelings when I was busy.
It hurts my feelings when I’m not listened to, and my boundaries are crossed.
Let’s take some time and some space. I understand if we aren’t compatible
NTA. But… if you want to attempt to reduce the awkwardness at future gathers? Perhaps you can send them a text.
“I’m sorry that we hurt your feelings. It wasn’t our intention to do so. We were just trying to establish some boundaries. We enjoy spending time with you, but we also enjoy our privacy and sometimes spending time alone with our guests. Which is why we ask you to respect our privacy if we say we are busy. I hope that we can put this behind us and move forward.”
If they are still pissed off? At least you know you used your words, politely explained the situation, and tried your best. If they don’t know any social graces by now? Either nobody has ever spelled it out for them or they are willfully ignorant. You can kindly spell it out to them. If they’re still mad? Then they are willfully ignorant and there really isn’t anything you can do about that. They’re just going to keep being assholes.
I live on a lake and know the type. My wife has a hard time saying no. I do not. NTA.
NTA. They sound like extreme extroverts, who constantly want to be surrounded by other people. Because for them, more is always merrier, they probably honestly don’t understand that sometimes people want to be left alone, or that you’re trying to catch up with old friends.
I have had good luck telling extroverted people straight up, “Look, I’m an introvert, and sometimes I just need to be alone. It’s not that I dislike you, but if I’m constantly surrounded by people, I will lose my damn mind. So when I tell you I need some space, I mean it.” I don’t know if you’re an introvert, but you certainly seem less extroverted than these folks. I would further tell them that when you’ve told them no and they’re lurking in their boat just off your property, it specifically stresses you out and makes you not want to hang out with them at all.
You are NTA at all and you were much more polite than most people would’ve been. Just keep enforcing those boundaries and they will either eventually get it or move on to their next victim.
If their behavior bothers you – better to address it and make them angry (in which case they will likely stay away) than to tolerate it and complain about it. They seem like friendly people – but don’t have any concept of boundaries.
The next time, suggest that this couple visit those core friends. They are obviously ok with it.
I hate this so much that I’d be tempted to sell my cottage! I have a neighbour like that currently and now we look out the peep hole to make sure she isn’t nearby when we head out and will sometimes run back inside when we hear her yappy dog. I wear earbuds and am “on the phone” often when we pass on the street
The stalked part I think pushed it over the edge
I would have left it before that sentence and been done
NTA. I have realized that anytime a group of people are discussing a difficult situation, there is always a Pollyanna or two who wants to think they are being the better person and will advise always telling others to be doormats to maintain the peace. These people have no idea how the world actually works and wouldn’t handle a situation in a sensible manner anyway. Don’t worry about their stupid advice.