#ParentingAdvice #FamilyDrama #TwinSisters #RespectingIndividuality
🚫 Dealing with family drama and disrespectful behavior? Here’s some advice for handling a sensitive situation involving your husband’s sister and the treatment of your twin daughters.
The Situation:
You (38f) are married with 2 children, twins Amy and Nina (6f). Your husband’s youngest sister, Jane (31f), has recently moved back to town and has been attending family gatherings. However, she consistently fails to address your daughters by their individual names, instead referring to them as “the twins.” Despite your repeated requests for her to treat them as individuals, Jane continues to disregard your wishes.
The Incident:
During a family Christmas gathering, Jane dismissed the effort and individual talents of your daughters by referring to their thoughtful gifts as coming from “one of the twins” and “the other twin.” This disrespectful behavior toward your daughters and their unique personalities prompted you to ban Jane from your house until she learns to address your girls by their names. Your husband was in agreement with your decision.
The Conflict:
Jane disagrees with your decision and feels that you are overreacting to a small issue. She insists that your daughters will inevitably be known as “the twins” and that distinguishing them as individuals is unnecessary at their young age. She believes she should be allowed to attend family gatherings, including your husband’s upcoming birthday celebration, despite her refusal to respect your daughters’ individuality.
Handling the Situation:
It’s evident that your desire for Jane to recognize and respect your daughters’ individual identities has caused tension within the family. Here are some steps to consider as you navigate this delicate situation:
1. Communicate Clearly and Firmly:
– Express to Jane the importance of respecting your daughters as individuals, reiterating the impact of her actions on their feelings and self-esteem.
– Clearly outline the boundaries you have set regarding her presence in your home until she acknowledges and respects your wishes.
2. Seek Support from Your Spouse:
– Ensure that you and your husband are on the same page and present a unified front when addressing this issue with Jane. Your husband’s support in reinforcing the boundaries you’ve set is crucial.
3. Establish Consequences:
– Make it clear to Jane that her refusal to respect your daughters’ individuality will result in her exclusion from family events hosted at your home until she demonstrates a willingness to change her behavior.
4. Prioritize Your Daughters’ Well-Being:
– Emphasize to Jane the emotional impact that her actions have on your daughters and the importance of validating their individual identities, especially at a young age.
5. Offer a Path to Reconciliation:
– Communicate to Jane that while the ban from your home is a consequence of her actions, she can work towards resolving the issue by demonstrating her willingness to acknowledge and respect your daughters as individuals.
Moving Forward:
It’s understandable that Jane’s resistance to change and refusal to respect your daughters’ individuality has caused frustration and tension within the family. As you navigate this situation, keep the well-being and emotional development of your daughters at the forefront. Open and honest communication, clear boundaries, and a united front with your spouse will be essential in addressing this matter.
Ultimately, the goal is to foster an environment where your daughters feel valued as individuals within the family dynamic. By prioritizing their well-being and holding firm in your expectations for respectful behavior, you can work towards achieving a positive resolution to this challenging situation.
INFO: Have your daughters expressed a preference? At the end of they day, they get to choose how they want people to refer to them.
Info: Was Jane having a private conversation with her fiance that you were listening in on?
NTA- if their family isn’t going to make the effort, who will?
As a twin, ynta. My family always treated us like we where one person and not two. I think you should stand your ground. 🤷
NTA it’s the same as someone referring to any child as “the child”. It’s disturbing.
NTA. At 6??! That’s insane. I could see it while they’re babies but she’s taken it way too far
NTA. Maybe address Jane as “X’s fiancee” instead of using her name.
NTA. She sure is though. Where the hell is your husband during all this?
NTA
As the mother of identical twin girls (who are now adults), I was very intentional about clearly treating them as individuals while still enjoying the uniqueness of being twins. Creating an environment where they are treated as two separate humans, not a unit, is incredibly important.
They have commented more than once how much they appreciated this growing up.
Stick to your guns on this.
NTA. Your house, your children, your rules.
You also have the backing of your husband and MIL.
lol, my sister has school age twins and I cannot tell them apart. I still just say “baby” whenever I talk to one of them. My sister and I were joking the other day that I will still be calling them baby at their weddings. Of course my sister and I each have a good sense of humor so we just laugh and move on.
My nieces are identical twins, and although it was difficult to tell them apart when they were young, I always called them by their individual names – as they are individual people. Your SIL is the definition of lazy. Just have the girls (and you) call her the Aunt for some malicious compliance. See how she likes it. NTA
NTA.
It sucks to be identified as only a relationship with another party vs your own unique identity. This is their family – you do not dress them alike. I’m assuming their hair is cut differently given you referenced it. It sounds like they do not present themselves as twins so its pretty darn rude and ballsy of Jane to think glossing over their names and only identifying them as “the twins” is okay. This is your home and you are within your right to do this.
That said, you might be going about this wrong. And it sounds like you can get your MIL and your husband’s family on your team here to fix Jane’s attitude. From heretoforth, Jane is only known as MIL’s youngest daughter. Never a name. Just MIL’s youngest daughter. Or, your husband’s (name’s) sister.
You will make the point ABUNDENTLY clear to her if you guys handle it this way because Jane will get darn sick of being “Nana’s youngest daughter” or “Flloyd’s youngest sister” without a name. Get the girls in on it too. No more Auntie Jane – just “Nana’s youngest daughter”.
This is a strange hill for her to die on when she (I assume) can tell them apart and has no reason not to treat them like individuals. NTA Let her have her hill and don’t worry about it.
Can the sister not physically tell them apart? I wonder if the sister doesn’t know which one is which and is doing this to cover up for the fact she doesn’t know which one is which so she doesn’t look uninvolved.
You should make her some flash cards with stats the next time you see her. Be real petty with it. Like since i know you struggle with telling Amy and Nina apart since you are never around i made you these to help
Have things like:
Amy is wearing the green shirt.
Nina is wearing the blue shirt.
Etc.
NTA
Edit for clarity i was suggesting OP should be petty to the sister and imply that the sister cant tell them apart because she is never around to get to know them.
NTA. Twin here (my mom’s a twin too). We are individuals
NTA this isn’t a case of accidental slip ups, she is actively choosing not to learn the difference between them because it’s too much effort. Yet she bothers for other kids?
Yeah nah, your husbands sister can deal with the consequences of her own behaviour. I also second only referring to her as your husbands sister from now on. If your kids aren’t worthy of name, neither is she.
NTA. Each child deserves to be acknowledged as an individual. There is absolutely no reason not to use their names. SIL is a huge a$$hole.
NTA
The disrespect needs to stop now! I’m glad your husband and MIL has your back on this.
Imagine you just called her your youngest sister in law all the time and never used her name. She’d be raging
NTA
I assume there are other aunts? She is now just “paternal aunt” or, “one of the aunts”.
NTA. If your girls were Irish Twins (9 months apart/born in the same year), she wouldn’t call them ‘the twins’. If they were two-three years apart, she wouldn’t call them ‘the twins’. She would call them Amy and Nina. If she can’t differentiate between them and is either too stupid or too ashamed to ask for help, that’s her fault. She is directly ignoring you AND THEIR preference to call them by name. They are not ‘the twins’. They are not ‘the girls’. If she can remember the names of all her nieces/nephews/cousins/aunts/uncles, then she can remember theirs. She is having trouble telling them apart and instead of asking for help with it, she’s trying to DARVO you as the bad guy. They are not just another couple of girls. They are YOUR girls and they have names.
Until she can respect your parenting and her own goddamn nieces, then she can stay out of your home.
NTA. I currently have a six year old and she 100% notices how people talk about her, how people address her etc. Your twins will notice how Jane addresses them. Jane could be an adult and treat the girls with the respect that they deserve but she decided she can’t be bothered. So she can stay home.
NTA, I mean ok it can be hard to tell twins apart, but come on at least try, maybe get it wrong its a 50/50, but try. They will correct you.
NTA.
They are not 6 months old. They are 6 years old. My 6 year old and the ones before her have all had their own ideas by then and did not like being misidentified. Mine are feral and had zero compunction about calling out assholes like Jane. Tell the girls they can call Jane “aunt jack”, short for Jack Ass.
Grown identical twin here, you are NTA.
Say their names. Let them built their own identities and be people, as well as sisters and twins.
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Edited to add: I have an aunt and uncle who relied on their three children (older than my sister and I) to cue them to which twin was which.
My mom actually forbid people from calling us “the twins” so we got “the girls” a lot instead. “the twins” was rare.
As a twin myself, NTA! Stand your ground momma!
NTA. Address her as “sister in law” instead of her name. I’m a twin and I always appreciated being called by my name and not “the twins”. She isn’t even bothering to know their names or which is which. If their elementary school teacher can call them by their appropriate name then their aunt can too. Clearly you have the right support for your kiddos. She can learn to have respect for their autonomy or choose to not be in their lives by not even bothering to know their names as separate people.
As someone who is a twin and was constantly refered to as “the twins” growing up, NTA
I had so much trouble with finding my own Identity when I finished highschool especially. My family never refering to me as my own person was themain part of why I struggled with this. These girls need to be given the space to form their own identities. I hate to say, but SIL refusing to even use their names can very much make the girls feel they need to have a shared identity through their life. The sooner you nip this, the better.
As a twin, I thank you so much for wanting these girls to have their own identity. It’s already hard enough having to share everything, they def don’t need more pushed on them.
Wow! Main character much? If she weren’t so focused on herself she might realize there are other people in the family who have their own lives and stories.
NTA, but I would bet that Jane can’t tell them apart and is too embarrassed to admit it. Maybe a moment of quiet time to help her differentiate them would help?
I have a twin and from having to deal with this first hand, you are 100% NTA. Thank you for sticking up for Amy and Nina. They deserve to be recognized and be known for who they are as individuals. I wish I had the support that you are giving your daughters.
We often refer to my sister’s children as “the boys”, so I personally don’t think that calling them “the twins” is the biggest deal.
But, you’ve expressed your view, told her to use their names and she’s ignored/refused, so I therefore don’t think you’re wrong for enforcing your boundary. As long as your husband is ok with it.
NTA, stick up for your daughters. You’re not being unreasonable at all. She does not get to decide when they’re “old enough” to be recognized as individuals. Nina and Amy may or may not realize how you’re fighting their corner for them right now but they definitely will, one day, and it is so very critically important. You’re teaching them now how they should or should not accept being treated. You’re setting the precedent now that they are significant and worthy and should not accept dismissive and disrespectful behavior just because they’re twins or young or female or whatever label someone tries to put on them and reduce them to.
That being said, I must say – my daughter is best friends with a set of identical twin sisters and I could never ever tell them apart when they were younger, like until high school age. They had similar hair and dressed in similar styles. I tried to make it a point every time, to secretly see who was who and take note like okay pink shirt is Maggie and the denim dress is Maddie and then use their names a whole lot! Also, when they were younger, I’d set out snacks and drinks after school at the table and I’d use disposable solo cups and write all three girls’ names on their cups with a sharpie and then they’d sit where their cup was, so then I’d know who was who again and at least for that day I was sure! Believe me, I made it a point to NEVER call them the twins and I NEVER said anything like “oh whoever you are” or “thing 1 and thing 2” or any other cringy thing that people think is cute but it’s no different than calling them “the twins.” When I wasn’t sure who was who in any moment, l at least called them honey or sweetie, which I’m known to call everyone by often, twin or not. Your sister in law could make an effort, too.
NTA
As an identical twin who is now an adult IT ABSOLUTELY MATTERS.
NTA
Has she even asked if her brother, your husband, father of Amy and Nina, even care to have her be with him for his birthday after she blatantly disrespects his daughters? Now I’m not a huge fan of being around children myself but treating them as individuals and not accessories of their parents seems like a very basic courtesy. Her own mother isn’t on her side in this so of course you’re not the asshole.
My own younger sisters are twins and as they’ve gotten older they told me about how it has always been something that irked them even when they were very young that they were treated as a unit. They only opened up to me about it after growing up because I was one of the few that could tell them apart immediately or even just by voice.
NTA. I’m a twin. Kids feel it when you don’t recognize them as their own person. If they’re old enough to be drawing her pictures, they feel it for sure. It’s dehumanizing.
For what it’s worth, I know some twins that are similar but obviously different. Try as I might I have a hard time remembering which name goes with which person even though I can tell them apart. Its possible it wasn’t malicious to start with and now she’s embarrassed/defensive with how things are playing out. I regularly mix up my nieces names and they don’t even look that much alike and are each unique people. I personally think it’s kinda assholish to ban a family member from family gatherings if it’s not a safety thing or they are a thief or something. It’s also kinda assholish not to make more of an effort to try to comply with a simple request. Your aren’t wrong to want your daughters to be individuals, but I think you might be overreacting with your “punishment”. I’d say ESH, there’s major family drama that will have long term effects, for something that could be handled in a manner with significantly less drama.
YTA
How is it any different to having a family with 2 boys and 1 girl, and someone saying “the boys”…
Think it’s more important that you as the parent recognise their individuality (and sounds like you do)… they are gonna have different likes/dislikes, hobbies, tastes in clothes etc.
I’m not a twin. I was often called by my older brothers names. Didn’t bother me. But being collective punished. Or being expected to something because my brother liked it: that bothered me.
YTA – Other people can’t tell them apart, and you should put the burden on them.
I suspect you would also lose your shit if they accidently used the wrong name.
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Get over you, your twins will be fine.
Uh, Jane wants respect, huh? Maybe she should learn a bit about that concept.
Seems like a mountain out of a molehill to me. Especially banning her from the house, although I understand asking her to remember them separately. But in the end making family rifts over something this trivial seems counterproductive to everyone.
When she was talking on the video chat she wasn’t even addressing the twins, ffs. She was relaying what was going on to someone who probably doesn’t even care what their names are.