## #BabyName #NamingDilemma #ParentingStruggles
I’m 8 months pregnant, and have been purposefully holding off on revealing my baby’s name and gender. However, during a recent dinner with my parents, in-laws, and my husband’s sister Ashley, things took an unexpected turn.
### The Uncomfortable Revelation 💔
As we announced that we were having a boy and naming him Shawn, my mother-in-law (MIL) dropped a bombshell. She informed us that Shawn was the name of Ashley’s old bully who had tormented her both at school and online during the years 2020-2021. The situation was so severe that Ashley had to switch schools to escape the torment.
The atmosphere grew awkward as my in-laws fell silent, and despite their discomfort, my MIL went on to suggest that we reconsider the name to avoid triggering painful memories for Ashley.
### The Dilemma and Emotional Turmoil 😔
Now, I find myself torn between wanting to honor our choice of name and not wanting to cause any emotional distress to Ashley. My husband and I struggled to agree on a name, and Shawn was the only one that resonated with both of us. Changing it now seems like a daunting task with so little time left until the arrival of our baby.
### Practical Solutions and Reflection 🔍
#### 1. **Open Communication:**
– Sit down with your husband, MIL, and Ashley to have an honest conversation about the situation. Listen to Ashley’s feelings and express your own perspective.
#### 2. **Consider Alternative Options:**
– Brainstorm alternative names with your family that feel just as special and meaningful as Shawn. Remember, a name is a reflection of your child’s identity and should bring joy to all involved.
#### 3. **Compromise and Understanding:**
– Understand that while it may be challenging to change the name now, showing empathy towards Ashley’s past trauma and considering her feelings can strengthen family bonds.
### Final Thoughts 💭
In conclusion, the decision to change your baby’s name is a deeply personal one that requires careful thought and consideration. While it may feel overwhelming at first, approaching the situation with empathy and understanding can lead to a resolution that benefits everyone involved.
Remember, ultimately, the most important thing is to create a loving and supportive environment for your growing family. In the end, your child’s well-being and happiness should be the top priority. 💕
As you navigate this delicate situation, trust your instincts and make the choice that feels right for you and your loved ones. Good luck, and may your journey into parenthood be filled with love, understanding, and joy! 🌟
INFO : Why wasn’t your husband aware of the bullying?
IF that is all you can agree on NAH. But unfortunate for your husband’s family. How did he NOT tell you this? Is he that much older he didn’t know?
I see why in-laws want it changed, because of sister’s bully. They think the name is ruined for the family.
OP, your husband LIKELY knew this and agreed to this name anyway.
NGL I would pick a new name.
Not because I HAD to but because I wouldn’t want my child to have to listen to bullshit for years about how he shares a name with his aunts bully and his mom didn’t care enough about their family to pick something else.
I fully expect that it’s your son who will suffer for this choice – not you.
There’s a name in my family that’s kind of like “Shawn” it’s also my FILs name. My partner understands it can only ever really be a middle name due to the connotation the name has in my family.
Either compromise or get used to the idea that your child may have a distant relationship with this branch of the family.
So, are you expecting Ashley to be involved in any way?
NAH
I don’t think you are assholes, but I don’t think I could do that to a sister. Especially if it was as bad as her trying to take her own life (as you’ve commented).
Is it daft to be so upset over a name, yes it probably is but that doesn’t mean it won’t affect her or that she can change how it does.
I wouldn’t say you’re an ahole but it would be an ahole move.
If you care about your sil, you wouldn’t go with that name
YTA. Your poor sister-in-law is a child who almost took her own life over this bullying and you want to remind her of it constantly? It’s not like it’s even a special name to you, it’s just one that you could agree on. I guarantee there is at least one other name you could find that you both like. Act like the adults in this situation and do better.
YTA. Usually I’d be on your side, but you commented that the bullying “was bad enough she tried to take her own life”. I mean you do have right to name your kid whatever, but why would you want to do this to a family member?
I would go off the name as soon as I heard the family connection. There’s no way I’d want to be passing little Shawn around knowing the links my extended family would have on hearing it.
It’s not malicious when you chose it. But knowing what you know now, would make it malicious. There are millions of names, I’d pick another or YTA
YTA Husband should be more considerate of his sister’s feelings. The world may bring lots of Shawns into Ashley’s life, but her own family should have her back. Some bells just can’t really be easily un-rung.
YTA because it was bad enough your SIL tried to take her own life.
Having grace for those we love isn’t a bad thing.
NAH but man this sucks for your SIL. Especially since you commented that she was so excited to be an aunt. Personally I would change it.
INFO: has SIL expressed discomfort over the name, or just MIL on her behalf? And has MIL actually talked to SIL to find out if she has an issue with the name, or is she just anticipating one?
So your husband didn’t know the name of his young sisters bully? He’s TA
YWBTA
Use it as a middle name and find a new first name, your poor sil. You do not want to add to her trauma.
Your husband is TA for not knowing the details of his Sister’s bully. It’s so bad she changed schools yet your husband don’t even know the name?
Edit: I saw on your comment that she almost took her life. This is getting worst.
Aside from everything I am stuck on the fact that you can’t possibly find any other name better than Shawn lmao am I the only one fixated on this
Ugh, the dumbest spelling of the name, even. YTA
There are millions of names out there and you have no particular attachment to this one other than “we could both agree on it.” That’s a terrible reason to stick on a completely basic name.
YWBTA – Solely for the fact that she tried to take her life over this. Obviously she can’t avoid every Shawn out there, but she should at least feel safe and at peace around her family.
Personally I would change it. The baby hasn’t been born, you seem to both have a good relationship with Ashley so…why hurt her and risk the relationship between your child and her? I’m gonna have to say YTA because your attitude in the comments just seems callous to me.
I was going to say N A H which is usually my opinion on baby name posts, because it’s a very personal thing. But honestly soft YTA after finding out Ashley tried to take her own life. You still have time to think of something else, and if you decide to go through with this your baby’s relationship with Ashley is going to be tainted with a trauma that will never go away, whether it ever gets brought up again or not. People don’t try to take their own lives because someone has been annoying, clearly Shawn was doing some awful things to her, and if you don’t care about that then go ahead with the name, but it sounds like there will always be some resentment attached to it now
YTA. There are so many names out there, it would be unnecessarily cold to continue to use “Shawn”.
You and your husband are grown ups, about to be parents, it shouldn’t be too hard to find multiple names you agree on.
How about Shane.
YTA OP surely you can have some compassion. Shawn can’t be the only name you like. You can name yoru child what you want but just know that “Shawn” will be triggering for SIL so you will be creating a real family issue over a name. This isn’t a situation about people trying to impose their will. This is about trauma. Does your husband even like his sister or does he like the name more than his sibling?
YTA for spelling it like that 🤢
Given the extent of trauma your SIL experienced, I think YWBTA if you stick with that name. The baby is not born yet, you and your husband agreed on Shawn so agree on another. Shane maybe?
I get your SIL is deeply hurt, but i think it’s important to remember Shawn is just a name. If the trauma is so bad that even that is too much, she probably needs therapy for her bullying, clearly it feels like she hasn’t processed much of it yet, and she definitely needs help either way regarding this issue. So NAH, you should be allowed to pick whatever name you want for your child.
That being said, if you don’t mind changing it you might as well, but you shouldn’t feel forced to.
So my parents picked my youngest brother’s name without considering that it was my bully’s name from just two years prior. It didn’t affect my relationship with my brother, I adored him immediately, but I’ve always thought they were shitty for doing it.
I hesitate to fully call you an asshole over it, but it’s in the neighborhood. I’d have a hard time doing that to a close family member
NTA. There will always be someone and she is going to be an adult and needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her. This was a bully (which isn’t cool), not someone who committed a horrific crime. Just name your baby what you want. It’s been 8 years since HS for me and I don’t remember my bullies makes.
YWBTA. Clearly it wasn’t malicious when you picked the name but based on your comments that the bullying was so severe that your SIL tried to take her life. I think you’d have to be a pretty awful person to dig your heels in and stick to that name under the circumstances. Not only will your son be a constant reminder of someone who terrorized her but she’s almost certainly going to struggle with the guilt of associating her nephew that it seems like she already adores with someone who made her life so bad that she tried to end it. Your son will also now be a point of tension in the family because it seems very likely that your MIL and FIL will resent you for choosing to do something harmful towards their daughter rather than pick a new name and that resentment could even affect the relationship your son will have with his grandparents.
I’d change the name. Sean isn’t that great of a pick anyway
INFO: Is this really a hill you and your husband are willing to die on? It doesn’t sound like there is a special meaning behind the name.
Mostly NTA
I understand not wanting to chamge it after struggling so long to agree on a name. However, that being said, I’m not sure it’s worth all the drama?
If it was such an issue for them (and for valid reasons) ask yourself of you’d want your child associated with the bullying and negative thoughts associated with the name, or subsequently if you’d want to go NC over something as small as a name.
This seems like a hill they’d die on, but is it a hill you’re willing to die on? Perhaps it could be a good middle name if you really love it.
You wouldn’t be TA for not changing it, but I personally think you’d be inconsiderate to not at least try to think of any other names now that you know some of the trauma behind it for family.
NAH. They are within their right yo ask you to change it, and you are within your right not to change it – but there are consequences if you don’t change it obviously.
NTA, and it’s bizarre to me that all of the top voted responses say that you are. Ashley must be expected to know the difference between Shawn, the bully, and Shawn, the baby. There will be other Shawns she meets, are they going to be removed from her classrooms, friend groups, and workplaces?
The very idea that this is a reasonable request is completely laughable. Do not change the name.
NTA for not wanting to change it.
NTA if you don’t change it.
I don’t see any mention to what Ashley thinks?
Bullies suck, and it sucks that SIL had to endure that treatment.
I do agree with the post about your child dealing with the fallout from interfamily issues that *may* arise if you keep with your choice.
NGL your family would be the AH if they took it out on your kiddo because of the actions of some random kid who bullied your Hubbys sister.
Good Luck
This is honestly not an easy situation. You are not an ashhole for choosing a name and wanting specifically it.
And I can see a point that you can’t indulge everyone’s wishes or traumas, and a point that your SIL will have to accept a name sooner or later ’cause there are other people with the name.
However, this isn’t just some willy-nilly wish, not like they force THEIR favorite names on you or other stupid requests. This is serious. Just imagine if it was your child who got bullied hard and almost took their life because of it. Would you want them to be so uncontrollably retraumatized?
There are millions of names in the world. It may not be easy to find another, however, I believe there should be more that you both will like. And right now you still have a chance to reconsider. After giving birth there wouldn’t be any other.
NTA
I was bullied heavily in high school, admittedly not to change schools, but police were involved, and while I will always remember her name, I don’t freak out when I hear someone with her name. It was the person, not the name that caused the trauma. If she isn’t already, I would strongly recommend she attend therapy.
So this entire family is going to avoid all situations where someone is named Shawn? Waiter’s name is Shawn? Leave the restaurant. New person hired at work named Shawn? Gotta get them fired or quit. New neighbours move in and the Husband’s name is Shawn? Gotta burn their house down or move.
NTA. If they’re going to bully your unborn son because of his name, they’re no better than the bully.
NTA. Especially since it sounds like it’s your MIL asking you to change the name and not your SIL. It was a fair ask but you declined, and they should accept that at this point. Personally I’d at least consider changing it, but if it’s truly the only name you both agreed on, then I wouldn’t change it if it means one parent will hate the new name.
Also, not to be insensitive but Ashley is going to encounter many more Shawns in her lifetime. It’s a fairly common name. She can’t go through life shielding herself from classmates and coworkers named Shawn. If someone in the family started dating a Shawn, would MIL ask them to break up?
NTA.
downvote me to hell but this is a baby not a bully and its Your baby. There’s gonna be shawns in this world and I just don’t see the benefit for sis in this anyway.
wanna give her some authority in the situation? maybe sit down with her talk about fun nicknames, middle names, anything.
letting this bully’s reach further extend and now impact the whole family’s decision making just does not seem where it’s at.
congrats & good luck OP!
I think it’s perfectly reasonable for the OP to not want to change the name. I hate that the sil was brought that low by someone who happened to have the same name. But it’s not the OP or her husband’s fault. They didn’t know about the bully. And the family shouldn’t take it out on a name.
I had a similar problem. I was mentally abused by two women named Samantha. I considered ending things completely. Thankfully I have people who made me want to live. Do I now hate the name Samantha (or Sam, Sammie) No. Not a fan of it and certainly wouldn’t name my child that. But what my siblings or friends name their kids is up to them. Their choice. Not mine.
NTA Keep the name. The family needs to find a way to deal.
NTA. I will be downvoted, but it’s okay.
Yes, what happened is horrible… I guess to her. I’m not good at understanding emotion, and there is very little someone could say to me to make me feel bad. I’m weird, I’ve been called a lot of names and been physically bullied, but I just can’t comprehend someone having power to make me believe it or hurt myself over it… therefore, I can not sympathize with her.
How does a name hold power like that in an entire family that no one can ever have it? I mean, I probably wouldn’t want to name my baby after someone who murdered my whole family, but I don’t see myself telling my in-laws that no one can name their kid that, ever.
A name is not a person, and honestly, I think it could help start to alleviate the trauma associated with the name. Like exposure therapy.
I personally would change the name if it meant not upsetting my sister… but she’s legit unstable and has tried to kill me more than once… so 💁♀️
I say do what works for you and hubby.
NTA part of life is coping. Sucks she was bullied but you have to separate the person from the name. If they can’t separate the name from your child then please be careful around them and how they may treat your son
Ex) just because Ted Bundy existed doesn’t mean others can’t have his first name
NTA at all, and it’s weird that so many people are saying YTA or that it’s a dumb name. it’s SILs responsibility to work through her own trauma; it’s ridiculous to expect the world around her to walk on eggshells because of this insecurity. Suppose your best friend was named John and your girlfriend cheated on you with a different man named John: would you ask your best friend to change his name? Makes no sense.
So are Ashley’s parents going to attend every college course, job interview, life event so they can get anyone named Shawn to change their name/leave so Ashley feels safe? I’m sorry, if the name is a trigger that Ashley needs in depth and ongoing therapy to develop coping mechanisms.
That said, the nice thing to do is not use Shawn as a first name – guarantee your ILs will treat him badly.