Are you wondering if excluding your mother-in-law from the birth of your child makes you the “asshole”? #AITA #motherinlaw #childbirth
Background
As a 34-year-old mother of two, you and your husband were planning to stop at two kids until a change of heart led you to expect a third child.
Current Situation
Your mother-in-law has been unsupportive of having a third child and has not shown interest throughout your pregnancy. When your mother offered to help during your c-section, your mother-in-law was upset about not being included and planned a short visit after the birth.
Issue at Hand
You are now being accused of selfishness for not including your mother-in-law in the birth of your child, leaving you to wonder if you are in the wrong.
What to Consider
– Family dynamics and relationships
– Personal boundaries and preferences
– Practicality of support during childbirth
Are you justified in not including your mother-in-law in your child’s birth, or should you have made more effort to involve her? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!
NTA. Has MIL always had that propensity for lying?
NTA. Your MIL thinks it’s about her.
NTA. She doesn’t sound like someone you’d want to have around when you’re recovering from birthing a human. This is supposed to be a calm environment with low stress. She’s going to be competing with everyone in the room, and only seem interested in putting in effort, when someone seems to be outshining her.
I’d tell her she can come at a later date.
NTA
Your MIL got offended cuz your Mum knew it first not her. Toxic and and infantile. She makes this about herself
I also have issues w/ her telling your another child is a terrible idea. None of her business.
Even if she was supportive and nice you can decide how many people and who you want around you with your newborn.
Maybe you are thinking about them. To be clear, you shouldn’t be thinking about them. Because it’s NOT ABOUT THEM!!!
NTA.
OMG NTA!!!
First of all, who the heck is she to tell you you shouldn’t have a third child or that you wouldn’t be able to handle it, especially since she hasn’t watched you raise the two that you have. And who says don’t have a third child because it’s just another grandchild I won’t get to spend time with . Since when is it about her?
She clearly said she didn’t want anything to do with it because it was such a mistake. The fact that your SIL and husband coddled her when she had this reaction to the birth news,is proof that she’s been manipulating them with her emotions all of their lives. They are used to backpedaling and placating her when she has these abnormal reactions to things.
The last thing you need after a C-section is to be left home with two children and a newborn while your husband chauffeurs her around.
there is no reason for you to apologize, although you may have to in the interest of family peace but I wouldn’t let her change your mother‘s plans. Why should she be the first to see the grandchild that she tried to keep from existing?
I hope you can stand up to her without hurting her feelings, although that seems to be an impossibility with this woman. But it’s the last thing you should have to worry about after giving birth
and Congratulations.
NTA – if mil comes, she needs to be able to get there without your husband picking her up. your husband will be helping you and the kids. mil needs to chill out and be placed in time out.
NTA at all
NTA
Your husband needs to deal with this. “Mom, we didn’t know you planned to come. You neither told us nor asked. I won’t apologise for not guessing. Let’s plan a different date for a visit. Given OP is having a Caesarean and will need me near while she recovers, how does (date range at least 6 weeks post-birth) sound?”
NTA
MIL is being unreasonable and acting as though you owe her anything when she hasnt even shown an ounce of interest in the pregnancy. Even if she was interested, she should really find her own way to the house (just as your mother is doing), so you wouldnt be alone so long post partum with 3 children. Also, I find pp to be intimate and a time when if not explicitly invited, you dont welcome yourself. She can stay where she is with her bad attitude and so can the SIL.
NTA
“She had planned to come visit!” Surprise! What? No! I don’t think so. Stay home, MIL.
Ya know, when it comes right down to it, what MIL thinks and feels is not your problem, isn’t that so nice! Maybe tell her that her sour attitude is the biggest reason she has not been invited, that a change to a more positive outlook on her part would go a long way. Here’s the deal, if she can say what ever she wants, you can too! You see, once a person is rude to you, they have given you permission to be rude in return. Now when fighting, one must make every blow hurt as much as possible when defending oneself. How else are you gonna get someone off your ass? Just because she is “family” does not mean she has any rights. No right to be included, no right to be forgiven, no endless amount of chances. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. If she can’t treat the mother of her grandchildren at least as good as she does her grandkids, she doesn’t get to be a grandparent. You have all the power my dear. Keep in mind when you are asked to take someone’s shit in order to keep the peace, you are being asked to give the abuser permission to continue abusing you with your keeping of the peace. Whose peace is being kept? Why is someone else’s feelings more important than yours? You must always stand up for yourself and demand people treat you properly or the consequence is that they do not get to be a part of your life, or your kids lives. Some adults need to relearn some manners and boundaries and the only way they learn is to be put in time out. Just like kids.
nta and you probably dogged a bullet if she doesnt come. shes not interest in the baby shes interested in making this about her. you dont need her in your house causing drama after youve had a csection
NTA. What a narcissistic trait to make the birth of your third child about her presence and inclusion when she was never on board with a 3rd grandchild to begin with. Your mil needs a massive reality check and a stern come to Jesus talk with your husband about her inappropriate behavior during your pregnancy. He also needs to let her know that baby’s first look is reserved for those who are actually exited about its arrival and not a spectator sport for jealous grannies.
This is the kind of woman who thinks “helping” means holding the baby, and she would appreciate a cup of tea when you can stop coddling yourself and pry yourself off the couch, thank you very much.
NTA. I didn’t include my mother or MIL in my children’s births back in the olden days. (I’m a granny). As I recall, when we told mil we were expecting, she said “ok, that will be number 8.” Neither mother wanted to be involved, and we were fine with that!
NTA. Sounds like MIL shouldn’t meet the baby at all.
Good Lord, these people aren’t even in the same country! NTA. Now, stop answering the phone and ignore all communication attempts.
NTA
My MIL told my DH that she “felt excluded” from my pregnancy.
The ONLY way for her to be included would have to been to check in on me…ask how baby is doing!? She didn’t do any of that. Why would I include her?
So your MIL has done nothing but bad-mouth your decision to have a third child, then expects to be welcomed at the birth. No, no, no! Tell your husband to have a serious talk with her about her attitude toward you and your children. Perhaps you should go no contact and husband low contact with her. Neurotic MIL vibes for this one.
Nta
Uh no.
We aren’t available to host guests and shuttle people to and from. What an odd statement.
I call bullshit. MIL only started caring once your mom had actual plans.
I would bet good $ that she never mentioned this upcoming 4-day visit to anyone prior to your mom getting tickets.
NTA. MIL made her choices and you don’t have to change your plans just because she’s decided that she wants to be involved now.
NTA. Just have your husband tell her that, yes, you are being selfish because it’s the best way for you to recover from the c-section. He should say that he is sorry, but a different time to visit would be better for all of you.
NTA she makes no sense. Hates the idea of this baby but then needs to get competitive with your mom so she’s the first to see it? I hope you husband is on board with you because y’all need to limit contact with her as much as possible. She sounds weird and toxic.
Nta
NTA. This isn’t about her. At all. She can sit down and behave.
Why would you include MIL when she said she wasn’t interested in the baby? Tell your SIL to stay out of it. Tell your MIL she can come in 6 months.
NTA. Your MIL can’t ignore you the entire time then expect special treatment. Someone like that doesn’t earn the privilege of being included. She can stay home and think about what she did.
NTA. No one is entitled to be there, but she especially sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Literally nobody is going to call you the ah
NTA
It’s time to cut off MIL. She’s selfish and causes trouble. She’s far enough away that it shouldn’t be an issue to stop communicating with her.
She is during her best to put a guilt trip on you. Don’t fall for it. I hope you have a safe delivery.
Wow NTA. Your MIL sounds yucky.
Sometimes telling people to butt out is exactly what is needed. They never bothered acting properly before they knew your momma was coming into town to help. She just doesn’t want to look like the jerk she obviously is and is angling to make it your fault.
Your MIL suddenly wants to be involved in the birth of the child that’s such a big mistake and will be such a huge burden???? Nope. She wants to play the part of supportive grandma to make herself try to look good. If she somehow manages to get from the airport to your home, immediately call police. NTA