#familydrama #mourning #grief #siblingrivalry #funeral #emotions
Feeling Overwhelmed at Dad’s Wake
My dad had 5 kids with 4 women. Messy, I know, but he’s dead so I’d appreciate everyone being respectful. We are 36, 34, 27 (me), 25 (“Nicole”), and 19. None of us are close to Nicole because she has always insanely selfish, possessive, and has the world’s most draining victim complex. We all had as little contact with her as possible. Prior to this wake, none of us had spoken to Nicole outside of family weddings for years.
In the Midst of Chaos
Of all of us, I was closest to my dad in his last couple of years and took care of him the most. So when he passed, I was the one to work through all the paperwork and organise the funeral, his belongings, and his wake. At the wake, with about 70 people present, I was trying to manage my emotions and responsibilities to avoid the grief that was lurking under the surface.
Dealing with an Unwanted Interruption
At the wake, I noticed Nicole’s presence and tried to maintain my composure. However, Nicole’s behavior only added to my stress. Despite my hints that I was not in the right emotional state to engage with her, Nicole persisted in seeking attention and creating a scene. Her erratic behavior culminated in a confrontational outburst in front of everyone, shifting the focus from mourning to her own grievances.
The Breaking Point
Frustrated and unable to handle the added drama, I asked Nicole to leave. While some may view my actions as harsh, considering Nicole’s consistent selfish behavior, it was necessary for my own well-being during a vulnerable time.
Reflecting on the Aftermath
Although I have received criticism from a few family members for my actions, I question whether an apology is warranted given Nicole’s track record of disruptive behavior. While the dust settles, I am left contemplating the next steps in navigating this delicate family dynamic.
Final Thoughts
In moments of grief and vulnerability, it can be challenging to navigate complex family dynamics. Setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care in the face of emotional turmoil is essential. As I reflect on my decision to remove Nicole from my dad’s wake, I am reminded that ultimately, preserving my own mental and emotional well-being is paramount.
Should I reach out and apologise?
YWBTA – if she hadn’t shown previous victim complex.
I get everyone grieves in their own way, but it sounds like what she did was a low-blow for you. Sure, maybe it’s a combo-emotional of both for her, but you did what you could have done in a reasonable manner.
Maybe see what the texts say before making a decsision?
NTA – You had told Nicole you did not have the emotional bandwidth to speak with her that day and that is a valid. Her outburst was not appropriate
Though, I am curious what she actually wanted to pull you aside for and maybe this all could have been prevented with a quick convo.
NTA. You don’t owe her any apologies for the consequences of her behavior.
NTA. You handled it very well. Quiet, quick, and the problem was ended as unobtrusively as possible in a very stressful situation. Well done you.
NTA you didn’t kick her out because she was sad about the death, you kicked her out because she was being demanding and entitled to your attention specifically. Why couldn’t she have tried to talk with one of your other siblings? Why does that responsibility solely fall to you?
Brava!
NTA.
It is true, everyone grieves in their own way, but at the very bottom line she chose to make a scene and you said that you weren’t going to permit that behavior in your home.
NTA
Some people make everything about themselves and “how dare anyone care about anything else but them?” Don’t apologize. Your siblings agreement in kicking her out is all the supporting evidence you need. The other family members clearly aren’t hip to her jive.
NTA, I think you did a LOT. It’s really demanding of her to storm around and feel entitled to your time and emotional support on top of everything else. I think you did well telling her off in such a difficult situation and managing your dad’s passing and funeral and organizing everything. Like maybe a perfect person could have been more empathetic but you were at your limit and communicated it and I think that’s good enough.
Having said this she doesn’t seem very emotionally mature so if you feel a need to resolve this ever you will probably have to make the first step (but I assume you might be the best judge of this)
My condolences. Please take care of yourself. Grief is difficult and takes a long time. You don’t owe it to anyone to be super polite during this time (or ever).
NTA. Grief does not excuse disruptive behavior. It’s a wake, not a soap opera set. You were managing an already emotionally charged atmosphere and protecting not only your own need for peace but that of the other attendees. It’s regrettable Nicole couldn’t express herself in a more considerate way, but that’s not on you. Your actions respected the essence of the occasion.
Remember, you’re not just overseeing a personal grieving process, but facilitating a space for everyone to mourn cooperatively. If Nicole felt she needed a moment with you, she could have asked respectfully or waited for a better time. Stay strong and maybe when things have settled, you can see if there’s a path to communicate with her effectively without compromising your boundaries.
Condolences for your loss, and remember to take space for your own grief amidst all this
So… what did she want to discuss? She made an outburst because for 2 hours you avoided her. Don’t get me wrong, I doubt she had anything of value to discuss but that would be upsetting for anybody.
Info: I mean, at any point before this did you say “Hey Nicole I really won’t have bandwidth for that kind of talk today” or anything like that? It kinda seems like you didn’t really give her a chance and made her feel pretty ignored. Although, I have a cousin who would not have been able to hear even that and would have blown up no matter what unless she got exactly her way so if Nicole is that kind of person I understand why you wouldn’t even want to risk trying to say that much.
I mean if you want. Like should you? Yeah youre sorry it had to go down like that but also, I know people like Nicole and what does sorry do? They take it as validation like it’s ok for her to act like that and ok if she does it again. But like it’s not. It was not good timing. Maybe you can explain that to her that you’re sorry you didn’t have time to talk to her but it wasn’t the time for a long and deep conversation only quick there there’s before talking to the next person or doing the next thing. It sucks but we all have to learn not to lean on people who are barely holding themselves up. This is one of those times. 5 people lost a dad and all 5 are greiving differently and separately. Yall can come together but it has to be mutual, she can’t demand what none of you have to give atm. She needs to cry to an aunt a friend therapist other people first. If she doesn’t get it, you know oh well you can’t force it. But at least you know you tried to communicate your side. Sorry for your loss op.
NTA. And I think you shouldn’t have to apologize.
>I did greet Nicole but she kept trying to come up and talk to me during the wake, wanting to go to a separate room to talk and generally seeming a bit erratic. I kept trying to hint that I really didn’t have the time or the emotional space to be fully in my feelings at that time but she just didn’t seem to get the message.
So I don’t know what you did to let her know that it wasn’t the correct place and time to have a talk with her. She might not be able to take a hint. But the fact that you didn’t have a conversation with her and hinted a couple of times should have been enough for her to realize that it wasn’t the place and time.
There were 70 people at your house. She knows it’s your house so that you would probably be the busiest person. There were 69 other people she could have talked to.
>So I finally sat down with my little sister, and Nicole storms over and in front of the entire room, raises her voice and says something like “oh so you have time for her and not me? My dad died too and I’m trying to talk to you!”.
After 2 hours of being busy you decide to sit with someone. I can imagine someone you feel safe with and doesn’t give you the feeling it’s all about the other person.
Until the moment she yelled at you, I would say that it was an unfortunate way of how it all went down and how she demanded your attention, but you handled it in the way you could and that would have been it.
But when she saw she didn’t get the attention of you, the one person who has been managing everything, trying to take care of 70 people at her house while processing the grief of losing her father, she threw a tantrum. And when you act like a toddler, you will be treated like a toddler.
So saying that she should leave the house, and that you did it quietly and with respect, is the consequence of her own action. You should not have to apologize for that.
I don’t know what the messages were she sent you you, did she apologize? Because that would be the only thing she should be doing right now.
Do you know what she wanted to talk about?
ESH. Obviously you were struggling with the death of your father and being the one organizing everything can be overwhelming. I think you should have been more straight forward with her that you didn’t have the emotional capacity to have that conversation with her, not just telling her you had other stuff to do and avoiding her. It’s annoying when someone is an energy vampire, sucking the life out of everything, but in this case her father had just died as well. You could have said what you said with the exception of get out of my house, then asked her to move along or she would have to leave, not just kicked her out. I think if this is weighing on you then you know you probably should apologize, but take the opportunity to explain why you jumped to kicking her out… that she’s doesn’t leave much space for other people’s feelings and it’s exhausting.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
In retrospect you should have been explicit (clearly expressed ) instead of implicit (implied) that you were not in a position to be able to accommodate her request for a conversation and would instead reach back out to her when you are ready.
That might not have changed the outcome, but at least you would have clearly stated to her that now was not the time, and that the ball was now in your court to extend the invitation.
It sounds like your sister maybe a lot to deal with and I don’t second guess your need to put up firm and clear boundaries, even if that involves kicking her out.
I would just like to add that viewing things from a lens of, the person may not be trying to give you a hard but instead, is having a hard time and they don’t know how to appropriately deal with it. She probably has a lot of trauma that she needs to work through. I am not suggesting you need to accommodate her antics, but it might be a way for you to have a little bit more compassion for her and for yourself.
When I am really struggling to find compassion I ask myself the question would I choose to change places with them? I have yet to find a single person that I dislike where I would want to trade places with them.
NTA. Your sister chose to make the situation about her when everyone was grieving. If she just had an attitude, you could have ignored her, but she decided to attack you and make a scene. It was completely reasonable that you didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with her behavior at the moment you’re waking your father. Telling her to leave was keeping tone of the space calm so people could grieve and not be distracted by drama.
You weren’t the AH for asking her to leave. BUT…you WERE the AH for how you interacted with Nicole, both then and now.
You were very passive/aggressive in your interactions with her. I get that you were just trying to avoid the kind of scene that previous interactions with Nicole resulted in, but your previous experience should have taught you that your behavior at the wake was going to lead to the type of scene that you got. Self-fulfilling prophecy; you got what you set up.
You were the one who refused to talk with her, without setting a future time to talk. And it would not surprise me to hear that this is typically how you interact with Nicole on a normal basis.
Yes, you owe it to Nicole to reach out and explain to her that you were just overwhelmed with everything, missing your dad, who you had gotten close with, and just weren’t up to providing support, although you forced yourself to do the best you could for the one sibling who was really still a child.
I’m sorry but you are the asshole on this situation. She tried to talk to you the entire day, your other siblings ignored her as well, to just do what she asked you to do to someone else. Your acting like she was a normal guest and not one of the daughters of the deceased
Did she also go after her brothers to talk?
NAH.
Kicking her out was harsh but you were grieving and you should not have to deal with her behaviour (which is not completly inapropriate since she just lost her father and is not close to anyone in her family). I think other relatives should have take care of her (maybe just by getting her in other room). No-one should blame YOU for what happened.
OP could have given her 5 minutes easily. The fact that she refused and always had time for others was the problem and OP had to know Nicole would eventually react. And bingo, she did. And OP finally got to kick her out like she wanted to all along. So yes, OP, YTA. You simply didn’t want her there period.
>. I told her (quietly) “Nicole, someone has died. You are not the victim today. I will not deal with this embarrassment on top of everything else, get out of my house”.
That’s a lot nicer than I would have been. NTA. I’m sorry about your dad. That day couldn’t have been easy, and she tried to make it all about her.
NTA, the relatives are tired of dealing with her and just want you to apologize so she becomes your problem again. Stay away and protect your peace.
Gently, YTA.
If you had made the time to actually TELL her youre stressed and trying to keep busy and dont have the mental energy for her in that moment instead of HINTING it, you couldve avoided this.
Your half-sibling lost the joint parent you share, and at the wake wanted to talk to you, the one who organized everything, and you blew her off for 2 hours and then you went to another sibling to comfort them. Of course she was hurt and yelled at you in front of everyone, you completely blew her off on a day where she needed you. Shes absolutely right to have been mad
I guess her being an “emotional vampire” contributes to this, but it just seems like you all never liked Nicole and it showed more since you were all dealing with grief. She shouldn’t have blown up, but I think many people would have been hurt in her shoes as well.
YTA. I understand your frustration but it sounds like your family has settled into an unhealthy cycle that reinforces Nicole’s own behavior. Hurt people hurt people and all that. I think Nicole deserved at least one warning before being kicked out of her own father’s funeral. You can apologize if you’d like or not- regardless I do hope for Nicole’s sake she finds people willing to accommodate her. Annoying or not, everyone deserves to be heard and to grieve how they see fit. Best wishes to you all.
This is the type of toxicity created by irresponsible adults having children left right and centre.
From her perspective, you were wrong.
From yours you werent.
The truth is somewhere in the middle. Both of you reacted emotionally due to the day that was in it.
In circumstances like your family its very rare that all of the kids have the same view of the shared parent or bond with each other.
Honestly, leave her blocked, you add nothing to each others lives in a positive way.
And each of you has to grieve and deal with the reality of your family make up as you both view it.
I didn’t even read the whole post and, Yes. YTA.
Your dad was her dad, too. What right did you have to kick one of HIS children out of HIS wake?
Apologize. And while you’re at it, climb down from your high horse.
Understandable but YTA and you should apologize. It was a hard time for all involved
YTA – the way you described the story.
She was there to pay her respects, was trying to speak to you, and you couldn’t find 5 minutes to see what she needed? Regardless of her issues.
My dad had 3 wives also, 6 children across 3. We are still civil to each other even though there are large age differences.
As you told her, someone died, YOU are not the victim here though you play it like you are.
You diminished her emotions as she did not love your dad as much as you.
YTA
I feel bad for Nicole. She lost her dad and is only 25. As OP stated it wasn’t about money or anything else but wanting to talk to the sibling that is claiming to have been closest to their father. Not everyone knows how to lose a parent and 25 is still young. OP you have also made clear how much you dislike your sister so just tell her clearly – I don’t care about you or your grief. I’ll deal with mine and you deal with yours. That way your sister knows you won’t ever be there for her and she doesn’t need to be there for you back. Go your own way. The reason some family is telling you that you were in the wrong is because they witnessed everything and her dad died also.
YTA you aren’t giving us the whole story and you also could have communicated better. You expect that she was supposed to “understand you were busy” but you never took 30 minutes to say “let’s set up a time to talk after today” and then you blocked her?? Immature on your part at the very least. This is a better fit for “am I the Angel” her father died as well’s sounds like you’re gatekeeping
Ehhh – despite her history, I really don’t see anything wrong with Nicole’s actions. You don’t even know what she wanted to talk about. Maybe she just needed a moment in private to grieve with her sibling, or maybe she had some specific question or something.
So, I’m leaning a bit towards YTA. Despite her history of victim mentality – I actually don’t see anything she did wrong here. Her outburst is, quite frankly, understandable, from what I’ve read.
I know you feel like you were in “work mode” – but you could have given her 30 seconds to at least say what she wanted. I agree that it was harsh to kick her out.