Are photos of deceased loved ones appropriate to display in a shared household? Should in-laws have a say in how a family chooses to remember their late parent? #FamilyPhotos #DeceasedLovedOnes #InLaws #FamilyBoundaries
### Background Story:
– A father (46m) has two children, Fia (13f) and Cael (10m), whose mother passed away five years ago.
– The parents maintained a facade of a marriage for the kids’ sake, causing deep-seated resentment.
– After her death, the father focused on ensuring the kids knew they were loved by both parents.
– The father kept photos of the deceased wife for the children, despite removing most commemorations of their past marriage.
– The father’s in-laws raised concerns about the presence of these photos in the house, claiming it was inconsiderate to the father’s new wife.
### Conflict:
– During a family dinner, the in-laws voiced disapproval of the deceased wife’s photos being displayed in common areas of the house.
– The father defended his children’s right to have these photos visible and shut down further discussion.
### AITA (Am I the A**hole)?
– The in-laws accused the father of having an unhealthy attachment to the deceased wife and overreacting to their concerns.
– The father is questioning if his actions were justified in preserving his children’s connection to their late mother and maintaining their home’s atmosphere.
### Conclusion:
– Should familial boundaries and emotional attachments be respected even after a loved one’s passing?
– How to balance honoring the memory of a deceased parent while considering the feelings of a new spouse and extended family members?
– Share your thoughts and advice on navigating delicate family dynamics in such situations. #FamilyDynamics #DealingWithGrief #In-LawsRelationships
NTA. Your current wife knew that they would stay up. It kind of seems like your IL are trying to erase your late wife from existence. Which is not okay. You were completely right to shut it down. If you were nicer about it, they might have just kept pushing. I would make sure that they know, if they are uncomfortable with it, they don’t have to come back to your house but the pictures are not coming down. And IF it is coming from your wife through them, she should have decided it wasn’t okay with her and she should have moved on, not get upset later down the road and drag her family into it.
NTA
You informed your wife about whole situation your family is in and that you are not going to change it. I wouldn’t go too far with blaming her, if you do not have any proofs, it might be that she just said something to her parents, without any bad toughts in it and they just took it too far. If she hasn’t done or said anything till this day, I would give her benefit of the doubt.
NTA
I think there is a big chance the IL are voicing your wife dislike because if your wife would be on your side she would have told her own parents they are being rude and need to back off .
Me and my wife lived for a few years with my parents and when anything regarding my parents i was the one telling them to back off and dealt with my parents ( because they are my parents ) and my wife also deals with her parents when they overstep our boundaries .
You definitely need to talk to your wife because if she has a problem with the photos, in time , will create resentment and if you going to have a child she will definitely treat the kids differently if there will be resentment between her and you or kids
NTA. I find it difficult to believe your wife wasn’t asked about the photos before the ILs brought it up at dinner. That means they will have known why they were on display. They would know that it is something that you are quite adamant about.
That being the case, bringing the subject up with the kids in front of you was a low, divide and conquer, tactic, since they knew they’d get nowhere with you directly.
They were bring extremely rude themselves and trading on, and hiding behind, the social norms of don’t make a fuss. They were directly interfering with how your family works. You refused to play ball and their rudeness got slapped down.
It’s more than a bit rich of them to accuse you of being so rude, given what they were doing.
NTA. Good for you for putting the best interest of your children first.
NTA – It wasn’t their place to say anything. You already had this discussion with your new wife and both of you agreed. Her parents just need to sit there and say nothing, that is their job, not poking the bear creating strife were none needs to be. You did the right thing here, shutting them down in no uncertain terms of what goes on in your house is you and new wife’s business and not theirs.
If your wife is okay with it then why did she not shut her family up? I think it bothers her and she told them so they could bring it up for her
Nta they have no business questioning your children like that. Your children have the right to photos of their mom in their own home. If anyone has a problem with that, it’s their problem. They’re petty about a dead women. Your new wife isn’t replacing their mom.
>They told me they should be allowed to question things about their daughter’s home
By all means…but that doesn’t change the fact they were asking CHILDREN and not the two people in charge of the household.
They were rude and inconsiderate first, which negates and rudeness on your part.
I’d be interested to know your wife’s opinion. How did she react to this interaction? You may not have discussed yet, but I’m guessing you know your wife well enough to read her body language.
NTA
NTA
How dare you allow your children to keep pictures of their mom around. Don’t they know that only your wife matters? **/s**
Your ILs can go kick rocks. Their love for their daughter doesn’t outweigh your children’s love for their mother. There’s room for both women.
Ummm they are not living in the house, why should they have any say about their daughter’s home? She is an adult. NTA at all, it seems that you have a very sensitive and sensible approach to this situation. Talk to your wife though and find out if she has pushed them to say what they have.
Nope. NTA. They are. They have stone hearts. But if I was your wife and did not share the view they were airing, I would have shut them down myself before you even got a chance. They’ve been lucky enough to not lose a partner and remarry with children so they have no comparison or experience to speak from and even if they feel they do it’s none of their business whatsoever. Concerned wife didn’t stop them tbh
NTA, you were a hell.of a lot nicer to your IL’s then I would have been!!
NTA.
“Don’t worry. We’ll make sure to forget all about you and erase your existence as soon as you’re dead, if that is your preference.”
nta
NTA. It also seems like they are letting you know this is now their daughters house. Hope you have everything lined up for your children to inherit. The con is a long game. Sounds like your wife baited and is switching and using her parents. Next time ask your MIL if she dies is it ok to take down all her pictures!
NTA
But where is your wife in a this?
Shouldn’t it have been her to tell her parents to back off?
If she didn’t get involved, you have your answer regarding the photos.
NTA
I think you are doing a brilliant job of respecting the love that your former wife had for your children and of doing your best to give them what they need.
You were right to be clear about the boundaries.
Being curious I would love to know why they think these photographs shouldn’t be on display. It sounds as though they are threatened by their presence. If so, IMO this is their problem and they should examine their attitudes. It is perverse to wish to hide away the children’s mother.
NTA. Support your children.
My sister died from cancer and my BIl erased my sister from the kids lives. Introduced his new girlfriend 3 weeks after she died.
NTA. They do not have the right to question anything in anyone’s house. Ever. Period
NTA but your in laws are. It isn’t their home nor is it their place to comment.
By all means, add to the existing photos with new family photos of all of you together, as a blended family. Note – add photos, don’t take away the photos of your children’s mother.
As the children’s mother, she should not be erased from family history/family photos.
Now when the children grow up and move out, that is the time to revisit this topic.
You’re NTA.
Simple question for the in-laws: if one of them suddenly passes, would the surviving spouse remove all the photos and any evidence that the other existed?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
NTA. You did in fact not stop them from questioning things about their daughter’s home. You stopped them when they decided to give unsolicited advice when they didn’t like the answers they received. They were the ones being rude, not you for shutting down their attempt to bully and guilt your children into doing what they wanted.
Give them a funny look and say, “so you think they shouldn’t have a photo of THEIR mother that they knew and loved because YOU think they shouldn’t? A bit audacious don’t you think? I don’t tell YOU what pictures I do and don’t like in your home.”
INFO: What did your wife do or how did she react when her parents brought this up?
NTA yes, she was your wife, but more importantly, she was your kids’ MOTHER. To even suggest that your children cannot have a picture of their mother in their own home is repulsive.
NTA. I agree that your IL’s may be acting on your wife’s behalf because she’s spoken to them about it. The question now is if she does admit some displeasure with the photos, what will you do?
NTA ILs are AH and hopefully it didn’t come from your now wife. Though me thinks she may have said something. Did your second wife say anything during this exchange between you and IL? ETA: just saw OP answered this question already.
NTA. Bravo 👏🏾 You were right to shut them down. I’m proud of you. Stand up for your kids. The four of you (photos being the 4th) are a package.
You need to figure out of if your wife sent them to talk to you. If she did, that’s a red flag. Saying you’re okay with something to get the ring then using others to manipulate you is wrong (if that is what she did).
NTA
I’m married to a former widower. I can speak from experience.
There is a *huge* difference between a wife and a mom. The pictures up aren’t there because she was your wife. It’s because she was your kids mom.
If people can’t separate that, it’s their problem.
NTA. Deceased partners are not exes. Even if your marriage wasn’t what it used to be, for the purposes of your family you were still together. Having photos or mementos of lost ones is not disrespectful to new partners, especially when there are kids involved. Your in laws are being ridiculous.
NTA there is no erasing a deceased parent ever. It most definitely is coming from your wife. Let her know in no uncertain terms that the harder she tries to erase their mother, the more likely she is to push the kids away. And good on you for putting your children’s wellbeing first. I come from a blended family and my step parent let us kids define our relationship with them. And we loved them for it.