#StepDaughterHair #MessyHair #ParentingTips #Haircare #StepParenting
Hey there! It sounds like you’re dealing with a common parenting dilemma when it comes to your stepdaughter’s messy hair while out and about. It’s completely understandable to feel concerned about her appearance and how it reflects on you as a parent or step-parent. Let’s dive into some advice on how to handle this situation effectively 😊
### Understanding the Issue
Your stepdaughter’s long hair is becoming a tangled mess throughout the day due to various factors like movement, weather, and activities. While she may brush it in the morning, it quickly becomes unruly and unkempt later on. This can be distressing for you, especially in social situations where appearance matters.
### Factors to Consider
Here are some key points to keep in mind as you navigate this issue:
1. **Different Parenting Styles**: You and your husband may have differing opinions on the importance of hair care and appearance. It’s crucial to find a middle ground that works for both of you and your stepdaughter.
2. **Social Settings**: While it’s inconvenient to brush hair in public places, finding a discreet moment to tidy up her hair can help maintain a neat appearance without causing discomfort.
3. **Long-Term Impact**: Consider the impact of her messy hair on her self-esteem and how it may affect her desire to keep growing out her hair.
### Approaching the Situation
Here are a few steps you can take to address the messy hair issue in a constructive manner:
1. **Open Communication**: Have a candid discussion with your husband about your concerns and how it reflects on both of you as parents.
2. **Team Approach**: Consider involving your stepdaughter in the conversation and establishing a mutual understanding of the importance of hair care.
3. **Positive Reinforcement**: Praise her for maintaining her hair in the morning and gently encourage her to brush it again when needed without making it feel like a chore.
4. **Setting Boundaries**: Establishing guidelines for hair care, especially during outings, can help maintain a tidy appearance while respecting her autonomy.
### Final Thoughts
Ultimately, it’s essential to approach the messy hair situation with compassion, understanding, and patience. Finding a balance between her autonomy and parental guidance is key to fostering a positive environment for her growth and development.
Hopefully, these tips will help you navigate the challenges of managing your stepdaughter’s hair effectively while maintaining a harmonious family dynamic. Remember, it’s all about finding the right balance and supporting her in taking care of her appearance without feeling pressured or judged. You’ve got this! 💪👧🌟
Braid the hair, solves all the problems.
Putting it in different hair styles would help. The frizziness and tangles could also be a sign that she has waves or curls that you don‘t notice because you style it like straight hair.
YTA. You are literally the only person bothered by this. If you’re going out to do something special, you can talk with her about whether she wants to do something special with her hair (put it up somehow), but nagging her to brush it constantly is ridiculous.
YTA Hair is really not the hill to die on. Children often feel powerless in their lives and hair is a way of exerting a small piece of control, it allows them to learn how to make decisions about their bodily autonomy without having permanent consequences. She may also have a sensitive scalp and brushing might be unpleasant.
On the other hand she may just not care, at some point teen hormones will kick in and she will decide she needs to maintain her hair better. I can’t say I would ever judge people for how their children look, and why do you care what strangers think?
NAH.
Tough one because I had a 10 yo exactly like this. I gave her an ultimatum that she took care of her hair or it was going to be cut short. In the end, I was the nasty mama who took her to get it cut.. and she absolutely loved it short. She now has a pixie cut as a teen and we donated her hair to kids with cancer, so she doesn’t regret losing it.
She’s being a normal kid. I doubt people are judging you but I agree that her parents need to sort it out. It’s really not on you to sort.
NTA but honestly? I think you may need to be looking at her haircare routine and involve a hair dresser for a “pamper day” for you and her. Get her hair and your hair washed, styled and put in an updo at a salon. Explain to the hairdresser that you are having trouble getting her to understand why she needs to take care of her hair better. Make sure that conditioner and hair masks are part of her “hair wash” routine – this will lessen the tangles anyway as will a hairdresser explaining to HER how to keep long hair healthy in protective styles. Make sure you are involving her in the process if you are buying any hair accessories – pretty glittery and pink some girls will love, some girls will hate.
Have you considered that the brushing itself is an issue because she feels like it is painful? This is a common occurrence and detangling sprays and brushing from the ends up can help with this too – wide tooth combs are necessary when hair is extremely long before you touch it with a brush and never brush with a brush wet.
Editing to add: I’m now 29, studied hairdressing and honestly? I’ve had my head from shaved to I would sit on it and end up “wigging” myself length.
YTA you seem to care more about the opinions of strangers than this kid’s autonomy. She’s 10, and the lesson you’re teaching her right now is a dangerous one.
I think you may be a little too worried about other people’s opinions. You’re asking people for their positive judgement on your behaviour, so you can justify your behaviour based on fears of negative judgement.
Do you think that being a little alternative looking makes you more wary about people judging you from a glance? Like you have to uphold some higher standard to prove you’re just interesting, not weird and gross.
What’s her hair texture like? I had long hair as a kid, and it would get tangled if I wore it loose, but not “hasn’t been brushed in days” bad.
If it’s wavy/curly, I suspect it’s not being treated right and this may solve the problem “at source”.
YTA because in the comments you said it’s because of how it looks on you it’s not actually about her
What’s her hair type? I’d recommend looking into products suitable for her hair type so it doesn’t get as messy and frizzy .
It seems like you care for all the wrong reasons honestly. Seems as if she was probably never taught or instructed to properly maintain her hair and now it’s so bad that she can’t fully brush it. I was that 10 year old girl once whose hair no one cared about until she was ’embarrassing.’ I still have a hard time brushing my hair regularly do to mental health problems but I have an almost 9 yr old daughter to care about now too. If her hair is getting matted or knotted it’s time to make sure she’s actually brushing her hair all the way and do a conditioning treatment. Maybe you should offer to help her In a kind and loving way instead of judgemental.
INFO is your step daughter a different race from you? Does she have kinky, curly or wavy hair? Brushing curly hair causes damage and is going to make it knot worse. It sounds like you and her dad need to learn how to properly care for her hair and teach her to care for it herself. Also braids are going to be your best friend when it comes to keeping is from knotting throughout the day.
INFO is her hair a mess before you go to events? Would it make more sense to make sure she properly groomed before you leave the house rather than grooming her in public? Why not braid her hair or put it in a bun if it really goes wild once it crosses the threshold of your house?
INFO: what kind of hair does she have? If it is very curly, brushing and handling when it is dry is the absolute worst you can do. You need to lean into the curls, not fight them.
YTA The bio parents don’t care and she is brushing it in the morning. This is a normal developmental milestone – learning to manage daily activities of living and self care. You are thinking about how this makes you look and feel. Your stepdaughter’s life skills are built through daily management of these kinds of tasks, without a hyper focus on stopping normal activities to brush hair. This is going to impact her in other ways. She could become very worried about how she looks and not want to engage in anything but that or avoid social interactions. Step outside of yourself. Talk to a counselor about you worry over the family’s image.
YTA
Wow. Yes YTA. Who gives a shit what other people think of YOU? How about you think of what she wants
Has anyone actually made a comment about her hair? Its possible that no one really cares because they have issues bigger than a messy looking 10 year old who isnt their kid.
Has anyone ever actually taught her how to take care of long hair? If shes watching youtube it might be beneficial to find videos about how to maintain long styles.
Stop nagging her. You’ll drive yourself mad worrying about what other people think.
YTA. No where in your post do you actually show any concern towards your stepdaughter. You do make it very clear how much you worry about yourself and how others will perceive you though. What an awful stance to have. By continuing to push your perspective in this situation, you are sending a clear message to your stepdaughter that you care more about yourself than her. Is that how you want her to feel? Do you even try to meet her at her level and communicate with her about how to care for her hair in a way that she can relate to, or do you just force your brush in her hair, taking away her autonomy and decision-making? Your motivations are very twisted and selfish, so maybe take some time to figure out why you care more about what strangers think of you than your stepdaughter’s feelings.
Lol my neighbours daughter is like this, she always looks like she fell in a bush. I’ve seen her come out of the house with pretty hair, nice clean clothes and I swear not 5 minutes later looks like she’s been fighting the local cats. Bless her.
YTA.
As a curly haired girl whose mom didn’t know that brushing it makes it WORSE, I cringed so hard while reading this. HER hair is HER problem. I don’t really care (and she won’t really care) how it reflects on YOU. As a matter of fact, I would judge someone who sat there judging parents over a child’s hair.
Help get her ready BEFORE an event (shouldn’t everyone be showering and getting fresh before going somewhere nice enough where this actually matters, anyway?) then leave her alone.
I also advise booking an appointment with a hair stylist who can help her figure out what type of hair she has and how to take care of it, then letting your daughter take it from there.
Both my girls (8,9) have bum length hair, and my youngest has a double crown, so her hair never looks brushed even as I’m brushing it. Guess what no one cares because they are healthy, happy children getting messy and doing what kids do. If it’s windy I plait their hair, if they go swimming it’s in a bun, for sports it’s loosely plaited for doing the activity and they know they can take it out after. The rest of the time, it’s whatever way they want, and there’s no forcing involved. I just talk to them, and they know it’s gets tangled, so they want certain hair styles for certain days. My youngest has currently been in love with her hair in 1 ponytail, which is then split into 3 plaits. Don’t force it, or she will resent you. It’s hair, and no one of importance is looking on days out. Isn’t it more important for your relationship with her to be good? Let her be a happy, normal 10 year old instead of constantly worrying about strangers’ opinions. Oh and I’m what you’d call alternative dress style too and no one cares I even work in my daughters school I’d say don’t be so worried over appearances.
A fellow stepmom here.
Sorry, it’s not your call. As a STEPmother, you get to support the actual parent in parenting.
> My husband just doesn’t care.
When it comes to education and bodily choices, it’s his call. Especially because she’s not actually doing any harm. That it reflects badly on you, is your interpretation. If you enforce this rule, you’ll strain the relationship with your stepdaughter and maybe with your husband, too.
When it comes to “house rules” so rules you have to maintain a social and functional home where everyone feels safe, you and your husband decide on the rules. Also, not you alone.
So either convince your husband or let it go.
Edit to add: If you demand your husband enforces this, YTA.
YTA. As a mum, sometimes our kids look like you’ve found them in the wilderness (for us, it’s often hair that’s been under a hoodie for a while). If a kids hair is messy, I don’t really think that people jump to thinking they’re neglected.
YTA for making your step daughter’s hair about you. You aren’t even pretending to be worried about the health of her hair, helping her grow, etc. All you are saying is that you’re embarrassed by her.
YTA!
I was the same way when I was 10.
And my mother LOVED to be driving me to a function and start ripping apart my appearance. “Your hair is not combed, your clothes are wrinkled, your teeth are dirty, you gained ten pounds. Everyone is going to think I’m a bad mother for having an unkept child.”😱
Like why didn’t you bring this up before we left the house, lady?!?!? When I could do something about it. Now you are just ripping me bare and releasing me to the wolves.
And I internalized the hell out of it. To this day, even if I spend hours getting ready, I will tear apart my appearance when I’m going somewhere that I’m nervous about (like an interview or a doctors appointment).
And there may be something deeper going on with her. 10yo aren’t known for the best hygiene, I know. But I was a very depressed kid. I lived in a very bleak environment. I had zero self esteem, thanks to my mothers lack of self esteem. That I learned and internalized.
These issues with my appearance were the symptoms of her failures not the root of them.
And I would bet your step daughter is internalizing YOUR insecurity way more than you could ever know! YTA!