FamilyDrama: Am I Wrong for Skipping Nephew’s Birthdays?
Hey there! So, let me set the scene for you. I have a bunch of nieces and nephews, who I love to pieces. The thing is, the youngest five of them are practically like my own kids. I’ve never missed a birthday or holiday with them. From the time they were little munchkins to now, when they’re all grown up in their teens and twenties, I’ve always put thought and effort into their gifts.
The Real Issue: Lack of Appreciation 🤔
Here’s the kicker though – despite all the time and energy I pour into finding the perfect presents for each of them, I never get so much as a "thank you." No acknowledgment, no gratitude, nothing. Not gonna lie, it stings a little.
Last year, after years of feeling unappreciated, I decided to take a stand. I asked their dad (my brother) what he was getting them and bought gifts that would complement or match his choices. This year, I told their mom I was only going to bake cakes for their birthdays, no presents. And well, let’s just say she didn’t take it well.
Am I Being Unreasonable? 🤷♂️
Now, I’ve been labeled the "A hole" by their mom and my brother agrees. All I wanted was a little love and appreciation, is that too much to ask for? Am I in the wrong for expecting at least a simple "thank you"?
Actionable Steps Moving Forward:
Here are some things to consider as you navigate this tricky family dynamic:
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Communicate: Have an open and honest conversation with your family about how you’re feeling and why you’ve made this decision.
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Set Boundaries: It’s okay to set boundaries when you feel unappreciated or taken for granted. Stick to your decision and don’t feel guilty about it.
- Focus on Self-Care: Remember to take care of yourself emotionally. It can be tough when you feel unappreciated, so make sure to prioritize your own well-being.
Remember, relationships should be a two-way street. It’s okay to want a little acknowledgment for the effort and love you put into your relationships. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and communicate your needs. You deserve to be appreciated! 🌟
I hope this helps, and remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way. Hang in there! 💪
NTA. Their parents did not bring them up to be appreciative and grateful. If a 25yr old doesn’t know what those words “Thank You” mean, and if their parents feel that you are an asshole for “being less attentive” to what you get their children, then you might as well keep your money and spend it on more beneficial stuff.
NTA – your nephews are old enough to understand that saying thank you is the absolute least you do after receiving a gift! If they have never taken time to say thanks, why should you continue spending your time and money buying them gifts?
NTA. Kids tend to be bad at saying thank you for presents even if they appreciate them, which is why it needs to be part of parenting to teach them to do this.
Not getting any gifts will be a valuable life lesson for them.
The kids’ parents are the ones who are really at fault here, so they can’t complain now.
This is a result of ignorant parenting. I was taught by my parents that you started the thank you notes the very next day until you were done.
NTA
Sending a card would still be nice.
I would likely send those under 18 something more, but I understand if that doesn’t feel right given the history.
NTA. It’s amazing how little appreciation they can show, I’ve been through the same and just stopped giving. Your brother and their mother sound EXTREMELY entitled.
NTA but with the adult kids you should talk to them not just to their parents. They obviously weren’t raised to show gratitude for gifts from older relatives, so they may be totally unaware of how you feel about this. Since their parents think you’re in the wrong, they probably haven’t discussed your feelings with their children.
For each of them that’s over 18, make time for a personal one on one conversation along the lines of “I don’t know if you realize this, because I’ve only expressed it to your parents rather than to you directly, but when I give you a gift and don’t receive a thank you, it hurts my feelings. You’re an adult, so I want to talk to you about this like an adult and hear how you feel, too. Can you tell me why you don’t thank me for gifts?”
Maybe you’ll find something out from the kids directly that their parents haven’t been telling you. Once they turn 18, your relationship with them doesn’t have to be filtered solely through their parents.
NTA. But those “kids” learned their manners from your brother and his wife, who apparently feel entitled to your attention and money with no ounce of appreciation shown.
I’d skip the parents and talk to the nephews and niece directly. Tell them how you feel, that relationships are reciprocal and you don’t feel like they’ve put anything into it. Found out how they feel, what they say. From their reactions you can decide what to do individually going forward.
NTA I was an only child to my mother but she had load of siblings we saw. By the time I was 6 I knew thank you and please were words to use without prompt. Though I’m sure there were occasions I needed it when I was excited and forgot my manners but the joy of gifts could easily be seen on my face.
While I do not have kids my cousins kids benefit from my lack of kids with gifts and experiences. The parents always made sure the children knew their manners also. The parents lack of teaching there is obvious.
NTA they are plenty old enough to know better, although the parents’ reaction makes it pretty obvious where the problem started.
NTA
For years I sent my Nieces and nephews money for their birthdays. Never once did I get a thankyou. Eventually I just stopped sending even a card.
In my view it is on the parents to make sure they at least say thank you. I don’t expect cards or presents on my birthday or Xmas, but a thankyou for the money would be nice.
NTA
Our family has a ‘gifts are for kids’ rule. My parents give me a 100 dollar gift card for Xmas every year, still, which is sweet but totally unnecessary. None of my many aunts or uncles are expected to do anything to celebrate my adult birthdays.
My English aunts always sent money to myself and brother for bdays and continued with our children. They stopped abruptly with my brother as they never got any acknowledgement at all. Where I would send a card ( before email and sms times) and say what my child had brought with a drawing from him in it. They continued up until he was 16.
It called manners.
NTA You should have given up ages ago. All these children were
brought up to be impolite to gift-givers. Of course, their parents seem to
be very much the AHS themselves so that’s not surprising.
So stop with the gifts, with the cakes
and their parents can give them money themselves since money is “best”.
LOL
My mom was very much up my ass for this. The second I was old enough I would get handed the phone to thank whoever gave me a gift if they weren’t present when I got it. It especially was important to my grandpa so even still I call him or text him even though he doesn’t even live in my country for his birthday and we don’t exchange presents ( in my family while it sucks you don’t get presents after 18) my cousin almost nearly stopped getting presents from him cause he NEVER said thank you. He still doesn’t with anybody else but when my uncle realized he made my cousin thank my grandpa to keep the money going. I’m in my twenties now and I still thank ppl for gifts or like small tokens like they buy me a soda to show them I appreciate them thinking of me. NTA
NTA. I used to get gifts for my friends kids all the time. Xmas/ birthdays. Thoughtful gifts. If plan fun kid friendly adventure days. After a few years of scarce thank you’s and no reciprocation I stopped and I don’t get invited over anymore. I saved so much money without people just taking and ended up buying a house!
NTA. If your brother and his ex don’t even appreciate a cake, just skip giving their kids anything at all. Or better yet, go the ‘donate to charity in their name’ route with all five.
OP- NTA. Wow, your Brother and his Ex sure failed in their Parenting. Not teaching your children good manners, Thank you- Please- Your Welcome – Pardon Me- Etc, just makes them out to be ungrateful and rude.. With the cost of groceries these days, a cake to feed at least 8 people IS a Gift.
You’ve put time, effort, and thought into their gifts for years without any acknowledgment or gratitude in return. It’s reasonable to expect some basic thankfulness, NTA
NTA. Gifts are just that, gifts. You are under no obligation to give them. For those that you have given a gaft a basic “thankyou” is a bare minimum expectation. Something that demonstrates you care and are cared about is if gifts are given both ways. That you not only value and celebrate them, but they value and celebrate you.
If CF, not badly off, and have three now adult godchildren (25-30yo). I still get them Christmas, Easter, and birthday presents (granted, it’s now money or vouchers for eg day spas rather than specific gifts – unless they ask for something specific). When little they gave me cards and drawings they’d made, then small gifts, and now they usually take me out for some pampering. Our gift giving goes both ways because we care about each other, and yes, we always say “thankyou” to the giver.
NTA
NTA..I have 1 kid and my brother has 3…Christmas was the 2nd year he forgot to get my kid anything yet I bought all 3 kids gifts, he didn’t do anything for my sons birthday and he forgot mine so I’m done
Nta your brother probably should have taught his children the value of gratitude. Your ex sil sounds super entitled and rude also. What I would give to have any of my aunts or uncles actually put thought into anything for me or wanting to spend quality time with me when I was going through hard stuff as a teenager.
Take that money and go eat a nice big ass juicy steak. Or whatever your into. I would go for the steak. NTA.
Just wanted to add that my mother would have straight up slapped my fucking face clean off if I had acted that way growing up. Manners are a thing people.
A card w/ a crisp $10 bill is more than enough for children who can’t bother to say “thank you”
NTA
Send them each a box of thank you cards.
NTA but I suppose you could do anyone who is younger then 18 and explain that you’ve decided to stop for adults. Things are tight, etc…I feel like a lot of people cut off at a certain age. But you’re also fine to cut off now.
NTA – lack of appreciation is really not the child’s fault, it’s bad parenting for not teaching them to be appreciative. I always had my daughter fill out thank you cards until she learned to do it on her own.
Your brother and his ex can stuff it. Her asking for money just sounds like a cash grab at this point. I wouldn’t even make cakes. The kids are not even going to notice.
NTA. You should’ve stopped when the thank you notes stopped. They have no entitlement to gifts and their patents seem to think it’s an entitlement. Absolutely not.
NTA, but it sounds like their parents have dropped the ball entirely in raising them to be grateful. I dealt with my frustrations in a similar situation by taking each of my nieces shopping and out to a meal for their Xmas present. This way they got to pick out what they wanted, I got to control the budget and we got to spend one on one time together.
It got too old sending gift cards and money that weren’t thanked, and I never knew what I actually “got them” from the gift card. And the money usually goes into savings, like I’m glad you know how to save but that’s not why I gave you an Xmas gift. This has become a fun tradition and allows me to connect with them and model the kind of relationship I want with them.
The AHs are the parents who never taught their kids to say Thank you.
I celebrate the end of your gift-giving to these oblivious youngsters. 🎇 And their parents could be put in the “no more presents” penalty box, too. What do they do for you?
Oh, NTA
NTA – they totally didn’t appreciate your gifts or you. Spend your hard earned money on something you will appreciate.