Are you struggling with a messy boyfriend who wants to move in together? 🤔 Wondering how to have the “cleanliness talk” without causing conflict? 🧹 Here’s how to approach the situation and find a solution that works for both of you!
#BoyfriendIssues #MovingInTogether #RelationshipAdvice #CleanlinessTalk
**The Cleanliness Conversation: How to Approach It**
When discussing cleanliness with your boyfriend, it’s essential to be honest yet sensitive. Here’s how to approach the conversation:
1. **Choose the Right Time:** Pick a calm, neutral time to bring up the topic. Avoid doing it during an argument or when he’s already stressed.
2. **Express Your Feelings:** Start by sharing how his messiness makes you feel. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
3. **Highlight the Benefits:** Explain the benefits of a clean living space, such as reduced stress and improved mood.
4. **Propose Solutions:** Together, come up with a plan for maintaining cleanliness in your shared space. Consider setting cleaning schedules or hiring a cleaner if needed.
**Finding a Solution Together**
Rather than solely focusing on the problem, shift the conversation towards finding a solution that works for both of you. Remember, compromise is key in any relationship. By approaching the situation with openness and a willingness to work together, you can find a resolution that satisfies both your needs.
Ready to have the cleanliness talk with your messy boyfriend? Follow these tips to navigate the conversation smoothly and find a solution that keeps both of you happy in your shared living space. 🏡💕
Does he have adhd? Has he been evaluated? I think this might be a good spot for him to pause for a breath and see if there is more going on to the story, especially if this half-baked concept applies to many different areas of his life.
You will want to stop doing anything for him that he is going to ruin. So if he is just going to reach into the laundry basket and upset all of the folded clothes, that is work that you did that is unappreciated and unrealized and will just be messy in a second. So you should stop doing those things.
Also probably he has some mess over at your house already, try to find ways to confine his mess to specific areas and not all over the house. This is extremely helpful, it is also very helpful for people who lose their keys and such. So get very big boxes or bins and put all of his things into those boxes and bins, explain that if it is out, it goes in the bin. If it is important to him then he will put it away or he will go dig it out of the box. This way you can reclaim spaces that are yours. But also he will want to create spaces that are his once he moves in and try to find places that are okay to be messy with his stuff.
Man, don’t have kids. Fucking little trash hurricanes.
Just be honest with him. Let him know that as much as you care about him, you aren’t willing to live with him until you see an improvement in his cleanliness and organization.
You are not his mother or caretaker, and there should be no expectations that you should pick up after him in order to be comfortable in your own space. It’s unrealistic that you will be happy living together as it stands, but with communication, you might be able to work through it.
>I recognize that this might be dramatic, and I truly cannot imagine ending our relationship over this – but I can’t live in mess, and I feel like that is a dealbreaker.
Dude, this is all completely understandable. We’re talking about your private living space here, it’s entirely reasonable to have standards for the way you keep your personal space orderly.
My recommendation for mismatched tidiness needs is to have a nonjudgmental conversation about each of your perspectives. Ask him to share more about his standards for what’s messy and clean – do this in a way that demonstrates that you’re not intended to criticize or judge him, but genuinely learn his perspective and feelings about his lifestyle. Then acknowledge and respect his perspective. Likewise, share what messiness and tidiness mean to you. Again, the goal here isn’t to argue “my approach is better or more correct”, it’s just to demonstrate that you have different standards, and you think it’s important that each of you better understand each other. Invite him to ask you any questions if there’s things that don’t make sense.
I learned over time that my wife has WAY more sensitivity than I do over how dirty the sink should get before it needs to be deep-cleaned. I don’t think either of us is more “right” than the other about this, but we recognize that, for both of us to be happy living here, I need to be a bit more receptive to my wife’s cleaning standards than her on this matter. On the flipside, she feels more comfortable leaving her clothes about for longer periods of time than I feel comfortable with, so this is something she needs to be more receptive of.
When you feel that you can better understand and respect each other’s perspectives, you can work together to establish expectations for orderliness, if he were to move in.
I hate to say this but you are not compatible. He can change IF he wants to but doing it to meet your standards will likely cause resentment.
You’re not being dramatic. This isn’t OCD.
You’re being very SMART to see that this is a major issue. He treats your home poorly as a GUEST. What do you think he’ll do if it’s his place too? It will get worse, not better.
I’d be honest with him and say that while you like the idea of moving the relationship forward, you aren’t comfortable doing so until he can demonstrate consistent adulting behavior by cleaning up his messes and keeping house.
Let me guess…he lives with his parents or a bunch of dudes. So either mommy is still picking up after him or he lives in a total pig sty.
You cannot fix this. It’s his core character trait. You either embrace the chaos, or not.
Sit down and explain it to him just like you did to us. What it would take for you to consider living with him in terms of what he would have to change/do and that he has to show consistent change in those areas before you would consider cohabitating with him. If he is not willing to agree or put in the work, you have your answer.
You can’t fix it or him, he has to fix it and don’t move in with him until he fixes it.
There’s room for compromise but only if he actually changes his behavior. For you, the change will be internal; learn to let go of things that don’t matter, ie inside out shirts on the hanger. That doesn’t matter. Leaving actual garbage lying around, leaving clothes *next to* the laundry basket? That stuff matters. That’s a blatant disrespect for what would be your shared space. If he can agree to work on making those changes in his own home, and you see him doing these things *without being reminded* then revisit the conversation.
I’d also like to say, there’s no requirement that a happy couple have to live together.
This is a reasonable reason to not move in with someone. You dont have to break up with him but if you give him what he wants he wont feel like he needs to change. It’s ok for you to say, “I would love to move-in together but my concern is you are very messy. I dont think it’s a good idea for us to do this unless I see you make efforts to become a more clean person”. He probably will never be as clean as you but he can make an attempt.
I grew up in a culture where my parents literally hated if me or my siblings dirtied someone else’s house. I would get “the look” and get screamed at when we got home if I even dropped a piece of dirt on someone’s house. Im not a clean person by any means (not as bad as your BF but im not clean). I would clean more dishes at my GF’s house than my own house. At my place I dirty a dish and then would wait for the sink to clutter after a few days to do a group of dishes. When my GF came to my plce I’d feel weird when he picked up a broom to clean for me. Your BF doesnt even seem weird or embarrassed that he dirties what you just cleaned. Me and my GF live together now, and it has made me more of a clean person because I dont want her to feel I am just dirtying what she cleans. She understands im not as much of a clean freak as she is so any small thing I forget (leave a cup on the table for exmple) she lets slide. Her sister’s BF on the other hand is similar to yours. He is at her sister’s place all the time, dirties dishes and doesnt even consider picking it up. He drinks diet coke all day and there will be random empty bottles throughout her place. I look at him sometimes and think “do you really feel no shame?”.
Lastly you need to stop babying him. I know it’s hard on you to not clean but he is used to you cleaning everything and not making much of a fuss. You have enabled him to think this is ok when it is not. Let him live in filth. Sometimes if you leave someone to handle it themselves they will surpise you. Im not saying he is doing this but google Manipulation by Incompetence. The term should be self-explanatory but it basically means when someone doesnt want to do something, they will complain about not being able to do it until someone does it for them. Again im not saying he is doing this purposely (maybe he does it subconciously).
He might not even realize how dirty he is becaus elikely he has always had someone picking up his filth. Again I know it’s hard but if his clothes are all over the place, leave it there. If he asks you why you havent cleaned, either make an excuse or be honest and tell him you are not his mom. Id go for the latter. If you see him making efforts, maybe help him at first and with everytime do less and less of the work until he figures it out. But again leave him in his filth and let him figure it out. Do you want to have 3 kids with this guy and have to clean up after 4 childrean by yourself?
A lot of long term relationships end because of this issue. One person is messy, the other isn’t. The one that isn’t becomes the primary cleaner, the other person doesn’t care, resentment builds, the primary cleaner gets burnt out, looses attraction for the other person… its more common than you think.
And no, this isn’t OCD. You just have different standards of clean.
At this point all you can do is talk to him about your hesitations. But really you both need to sit down and talk about stuff like this.. are you incompatible in other areas as well? What about life goals, financial goals, children, medical ideology (like you you are pro vax and he is anti vax… how would that play out with kids if you choose to have them?) How about politics? Religion? Time to have the tough talks.
You don’t sound crazy at all, and listen, having tough conversations is a requirement for a successful relationship. You know what’s not a requirement? Living together. You are both so young, enjoy being together without the added stress of sharing a home.
1) stop doing all of this at his place since you are not his mom and personal house keeper, 2) you’ve already had fights about it so moving in together is not going to change that, and 3) since it is already causing you anxiety and stress, don’t move in together.
Nope don’t move in and tell him WHY! He can’t change if he doesn’t know what he needs to change: give him tangible examples and let him know that if he doesn’t learn how to clean & organize then you will NEVER live with him nor marry him!!!! This WILL NOT get better if he doesn’t start changing now!
You’re not compatible long term. That kind of thing is a relationship killer
This is the kind of thing that erodes a relationship over time. Imagine dealing with this for 20 or 30 years and if you like throw a few kids in for good measure, since kids are not typically known for their neatness. At 21 if you’ve found “the one” for life … congratulations – but know that if that’s true you are in the minority.
Common issue. Think of it as standards: your standards of cleanliness and organization differ from his. If this will ever work, bluntly, it will mean lowering your standards a bit, and raising his bit, to find a middle ground. If that’s not possible, from you or he, then the relationship will not work. I know that seems like a bold statement at this point in your relationship, but trust me, standards of cleanliness and living together is a major point of break up with couples.
If you have increased heartbeat and stress at the *idea* of living in a messy space, I’d suggest to consult a doctor.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting your living space to be neat, but the physical reaction is not normal and you might want to at least know if something medical is going on.
*Then* you can still decide, without an increased heartbeat, that you really don’t want to live with a messy partner.
I’m the same way, I hate when my living environment is messy. I can’t think ha. My bf isn’t dirty, but the same way you described your bf, he leaves stuff out. What worked for us is having conversations about the way it makes us feel. I let him know how stressed out I am when things are messy, so he understands I’m not a control freak. He now picks up more because he is motivated to take care of my feelings, not necessarily the apartment. Likewise, he doesn’t like it when I tell him to clean more. He doesn’t like being told what to do. So I’ve had to compromise by giving him more time to pick up knowing he eventually will. But if things are left lying around for more than a day I WILL pick it up. That is our understanding. If something is important that he doesn’t want me to touch then he puts it away asap. It has taken some time, but it’s possible to cohabitate with different expectations for cleanliness. I think it’s good that you are having this conversation before moving in together. You guys are young with a lot of growing up to do. I would say as long as he’s not disgusting then it’s not something worth breaking up over, but something that you guys just need to keep communicating on. Decide what you both are willing to compromise on if living together is truly something you want. Because no matter how compatible two people are, living together will ALWAYS come with some compromises. It takes time to learn how to live with someone.
You can explain it to him, but you can’t “fix” it, he has to want to change or your just going to end up tearing your own hair out in frustration
Don’t move in together, period.
>I truly cannot imagine ending our relationship over this – but I can’t live in mess, and I feel like that is a dealbreaker. How can I fix this or explain this to him in a way that doesn’t make me sound completely crazy?
A. Learn to accept the difference in your standards and ignore the mess
B. Clean up after him until the home is clean enough to meet your standards
C. Ask him to clean up after himself or outsource that effort (cleaning service at his expense)
D. Don’t move in with him
I also have anxiety when things are messy. Clutter and trash add so much visual noise to the environment, I get overstimulated and I cannot function like normal.
I cannot live with anyone that doesn’t have a reasonable standard of care for their space. I just cannot have that much anxiety in my life, it’s not fair for anyone.
When you next discuss moving in, let him know this. Frame it as a mental health issue but a firm boundary. You are anxious when his place is unclean, when he leaves messes at your place, and if he wants to live with you, he needs to do better.
And then he needs to keep his own space clean for 6-12 months without you mothering him about it. It needs to be a permanent fix, if he can’t keep it up for 12 months he’s likely to just go back to his old standards as soon as you move in together. Refuse to go over if it’s messy. Give him some clear goals and consequences.
If he’s angry, insulted, downplays the amount of mess in his home or that he leaves in your home, well, he’s not gonna change. You will have learned a lot from this relationship, but better skip the part where you live with him miserable for years.
Do not move in together!
You are not compatible to live together.
**Not** your job to fix. He’s an adult. If you must keep dating a manbaby then do it from separate apartments.
Tell him the truth. At this point, it’s a 4 year relationship. You should tell him and see if he truly makes changes over a VERY LONG period of time. If he doesn’t make changes, break up.
Live apart. You are not dramatic. This is a dealbreaker.
In this situation just be straight up. Have the discussion. If he says things like “I hate you cleaning up after me” or “I clean” agree and turn it back on him. “I agree, I hate it too” and “Yes, you do chores but I’m worried about the trash lying out.” I’d let go of the inside-out shirts. They’re clean and on a hanger, comparatively it’s small potatoes.
Op, I don’t think you’re overdramatic. I don’t think it’s OCD either. If I was in your situation, I would be frustrated too. I can see that you’re a kind person and you avoid fighting. But you really have to talk to him about this. First of all, you’re not his mother and he is not a baby. It’s not your job to pick up after him. Second, you said you cleaned for him several times before? You should stop this. You are not helping. It will only make him think that everything is okay and you are more than willing to become his maid. Last but not the least, he should understand you and find ways to be less messy one step at a time. He cannot change overnight so please also give him time to better himself.
Make this issue your non-negotiable for the sake of your own mental health, OP. If he gets upset and says that you’re giving him an ultimatum without even trying to give you what you want, then please free yourself. You don’t need any of that.
There’s nothing wrong with what you are asking. You are just asking the wrong person.
You’re going to have to meet him at least partially in the middle on this because it’s partially you. Obsessing over the fact that he takes off his shirts inside out or hangs them up that way is over the top for sure. I can see asking him to clean up after himself however. I think some couples counseling is in order to get a neutral party to help the 2 of you meet in the middle.
Send him this post, see how he reacts.
You tell him that you have these expectations and right now it wouldn’t work. You’d get angry and resentful and the relationship would suffer and probably end.
“I do not want to live together until you are more responsible. I get frustrated enough at the casual messes you make around my place when you visit. Living together right now would break us up. I like you and believe you will grow up as you mature a little, but we definitely need to wait to live together.”
all i’m going to add is be blunt. don’t dance around the issue, don’t sugar coat it, don’t hint. straight up tell him he’s a slob and you cant live with a slob.
i’m not a neatnik, the wife actually is OCD. she likes to clean, I don’t make a mess, we make it work. it’s not ideal but we work it out. unless he understands the situation you wont be able to make it work.