Are you wondering if you’re being unreasonable for not prioritizing your school plans over taking care of your nephews?
#### Family Situation:
– **Small, Not Close Family**: Family dynamics and relationships with relatives.
– **Nephews’ Circumstances**: The situation that led to the need for care for the nephews.
– **PhD Program Acceptance**: Academic plans and timeline for starting the program.
#### Aunt and Uncle’s Requests:
– **Asking for Help**: Aunt and uncle seeking assistance in caring for the nephews.
– **Urging to Postpone**: Pressure to delay school plans to take on caregiving responsibilities.
#### Your Response:
– **School Priority**: Emphasizing the importance of your academic pursuits.
– **Explanation of Inflexibility**: Inability to delay academic commitments.
– **Blocking Contact**: Actions taken in response to continued pressure and aggression.
By setting boundaries and standing firm in your decisions, you have a right to prioritize your academic and personal goals. Remember, your own well-being and aspirations are essential in this situation.
#AITA #FamilyDrama #PhDProgram #NephewsCare #PersonalBoundaries #SiblingResponsibilities #AcademicPriorities #SelfCare
NTA
> was a single mom
They **still** have fathers.
Damn thats an awful situation. It still is not your fault, and you most certainly should not throw away your dream life for something which is not your responsibility and out of your control. Get that PHD!
While my heart breaks for those boys, no, you’re NTA. Not everyone is able to take in someone else’s children, even if they are family. I would have said no assholes here except your aunt has resorted to name calling. Good luck in school!
INFO: Is there a reason your aunt and uncle can’t take care of them long term? You’re not an asshole here, but if your aunt and uncle aren’t capable of taking care of them and there’s risk of them ending up in foster care or something, then I think their panic is a lot more understandable. Not that it would give them a warrant to be cruel and insulting to you, but I think it would add a lot of context to whether they’re just being lazy/entitled by expecting you to be the one to care for them or if they’re incapable of doing it themselves and are acting out of fear for the kids.
NTA
If you put off your education, you’ll probably never pick it up again. And getting a PhD while taking care of three young kids by yourself will be extremely difficult. You’ll be miserable. You won’t be able to give your all to the boys.
The selfish little assholes here are the aunt and uncle.
NTA. Been there. Took mom with me for my doc program when I was your age. It definitely slowed me down, but she was also not 3 young kids with other options (no one was going to help my mom out). Go get that Ph.D.!
Legally speaking, the children go to their father unless there is a legal reason he can’t take care of them.
NTA and they need to contact the children’s father for him to step up if he is still alive. After that, the court will dictate where the children will go and it sounds like the court has dictated the auth/uncle are to do so.
NTA – this situation sucks no matter how you look at it however it seems very selfish and unrealistic of your aunt to simply expect you to take over the care of the kids. Their behavior is inexcusable regardless of how tough the situation is.
NTA
At no point did you ever agree to take over as a mother for those children.
Your aunt and uncle have chosen to take them in. They should be seeking assistance from their father(s?).
NTA. I’m so sorry this has happened. Where is the father in this situation? Why isn’t he taking care of the kids? I appreciate the Aunt and Uncle taking over in a pinch but clearly they don’t feel they can keep this up and are looking at you to step up. You might be able to do it after you graduate but you’re right, this isn’t something you can just postpone.
The father is legally responsible for those children. Aunt and Uncle should be contacting him. At minimum to get child support.
I’m glad you’ve blocked them. It is an incredibly sad situation all around, but even if you weren’t not about to embark on a PhD program, no means no. There are a multitude of reasons one might say no that that scenario, all of them valid.
Perhaps you can stay involved with Christmas and birthdays or maybe once a month visits. Or maybe not, you don’t say how local they are.
Please don’t let them guilt you into giving up your future. NTA
I don’t think you’re wrong by any stretch, but your aunt and uncle are also in a hard situation, and I hesitate to call the AHs either. People’s emotions run high when a family member dies, and it rarely brings out the best in people. I’m going with NAH, despite your aunt’s behavior, because of the situation.
NTA
Block their numbers. These AHs want you to do what they themselves are unwilling to do.
NTA. If you put off school to take in your nephews, you will only end up resenting them. Block your aunt and uncle and do what’s right for you
NTA. I’m a foster parent and my heart hurts for the kids. But it is a bad idea to take in kids you do not want.
This might be a little rude to ask but why didn’t your sister have plans in place for the children if her health was deteriorating?
Nta so their reasons are super valid and totally not selfish, but your reasons suck and are super selfish? A huh.
It’s a sad situation, unfortunately.
Of course NTA. Your Aunt and Uncle are increasingly aggressive because they don’t want the responsibility either and finally understood that your “no” actually meant no. It would be lovely if you could establish a long distance relationship with your nephews, send pictures and anecdotes of their mom from childhood, etc, but that’s up to you. I hope the boys find the loving care they need.
NTA
I’m sorry but your sister should have planned better. Even without health issues, parents need to have a plan just in case. The least she could have done was get in contact with the father(s) or write down their contact information.
My parents died when right after i graduated high school. I gave up my full ride college scholarship to take care of my little brother who was 5 years younger. Do I regret it? Absolutely not.
I am much further behind in my career than people my age but I’m comfortable with my choice. My brother understands and is very grateful for my decision to play my life on hold to support him.
It’s completely understandable if you don’t want you give up your life to raise children. 3 kids with no support system that young will be really hard. Make the best choice for YOU!
It’s no right or wrong choices here. The children are in a vulnerable situation that will affect them either way. If they enter the system i truly hope it keeps them together. Choosing not to place your life on hold is ok.
Where are these boy’s fathers?
Why are the father’s conveniently overlooked for taking in and raising their kids?
Not your responsibility.
NTA. This is what the foster system is for, and the legal system to find these deadbeat randos your sister shacked up with. You have a life ahead of you, didn’t make poor choices and shouldn’t be punished for your sister’s predilections.
I don’t understand how you are the “selfish little asshole” for not throwing away an educational opportunity that you are not likely to get again and they are somehow not “selfish assholes” themselves for asking you to do what they dont want to do themselves? I know they have a life and family also….but still….
Not everyone is in a position to take in children right away. How would you even take care of them? I’m guessing that you don’t have a full-time job right now? It’s a tough situation for everone.
NTA.
Not everyone is able to take in other people’s children, and it sounds like you’ve already planned the move, something that would be detrimental to children who have already had a big upheaval in their lives.
You’re starting a PhD, too, which makes it the exact opposite of you having the time, or mental and emotional resources for the kind of support these kids will need.
NTA, and do not unblock them. They think you should have to do it because you are a woman. To them, women were put on this earth to serve men and children, not to have lives of their own. They wouldn’t be harassing a man this way.
Look. I’m single, I’m close with my family.
If god forbid anything happened to my brother and his wife, I don’t know if I could step up with all the love and good intentions in the world.
I’d probably try and see how we could all make it work, but I couldn’t just be handed kids and told I’m selfish for being unable to care for them. That’s crazy.
Also, not to sound like a jerk, but your sister unfortunately passed. What about their other parent and their families?
I don’t know why your family is pressuring a person in a long term program like a PhD program. You can’t just put that off, there are time limit on acceptance and your passing test grades.
As soon as the insults start, the engagement stops.
I hope everyone who reads this understands the importance of having a discussion with whomever they want to have their children. Once they agree to take the kids MAKE A WILL. Yes. It’s rare that one or both parents may die, but figure it out. You don’t want your kids going to CPS.
Ummm who’s paying to keep the kids alive??? Is OP made of money?
Having three children themselves, they should understand how significantly ill-prepared a single random 30-year-old would be to become the guardian of *three children* virtually overnight. It’s actually absurd that they would suggest this as an option. They are (A) *two* people who are (B) experienced parents and (C) stable, rooted homeowners. They are far and away the better option for these kids. Your aunt is projecting. *She* is the selfish asshole. NTA.
Put it off … The youngest is 6… so, until he’s 18…. So, like, 12 years?! That’s not “putting it off,” that’s giving up!
NAH, honestly I get it, having and financially taking care kids is not on you but it’s also not on you’re aunt and uncle either. They might be getting frustrated with taking care of three extra kids. They didn’t ask for three extra kids on top of their own and they have no responsibility for them similar to you. Hopefully you guys can figure it out and transfer custody to the fathers or to the state.
NTA. Good on you.
INFO: since your sister knew she had health issues and since she was single: did she make arrangements for her children in case she’d pass away?
I find it hard calling any party an AH here. OP is most definitely NTA. And, setting aside the name calling by your aunt as an expression of sheer desperation, neither are your aunt and uncle. I completely understand that nobody is really looking forward to having three small children, who are having a terrible time and will need lots and lots of support, dumped into their laps.
Let’s also be real. OP wouldn’t postpone the PhD if she took in the children. It would be canceled. The chance of her picking it up again in 2, 5, 10 years are slim bordering on non-existent as a single foster mom to 3 traumatized children. It might also lead to a lasting resentment towards the children. So taking them in would be a bad call, in my opinion. OP is also perfectly within her rights to prioritize her own life and life goals. I’d rule differently if there was some kind of custodial agreement in place and she suddenly renegged on it. But this doesn’t seem the case here.
I can also understand OP’s aunt und uncle’s reluctance. It also wrecks their life plans. Pressuring OP might be a act of sheer desperation. It’s still bad form (and I don’t excuse it in any way), but I can at least understand where it is they’re coming from.
The only AH in this story are the people nobody talked about: the father (or fathers?) of the children. Pursue every avenue, sue them into the ground if possible and necessary, to lessen the burden of those who are going to take care of the children in the end.
And to those, that still criticize OP for choosing the best way for herself, I want to reiterate my earlier point: It is perfectly reasonable and legitimate to prioritize one own’s happiness and life goals, even in face of a tragedy, if one didn’t have any hand nor say in creating said tragedy. Does it suck for the three boys that have suddenly become (de facto) orphans? Oh yes, terribly so. It is heartbreaking. But it still doesn’t force others to accept having their life wrecked as well.