“Should I punish my kids for not teaming up with their stepmom at a family event, despite them saying she’s not their real mom? #ParentingConflict #StepfamilyDynamics #DisciplineDilemma”
– Should I enforce my ex’s punishment for my kids not participating in a game with their stepmom?
– How should I handle disagreements with my ex over disciplining our kids in front of family?
– Is it fair to ground my kids for expressing their feelings about their stepmom not being their real mom?
– How can I navigate co-parenting conflicts with my ex’s new family members involved?
– What should I do if my ex’s wife feels hurt by my kids’ comments about their relationship with her?
– Is it okay to prioritize my kids’ feelings over my ex’s and his wife’s expectations in this situation?
NTA. And you should tell your ex, that his priorities should be his kids. A grown up woman who was in their live for just three years shouldn’t start crying and playing victim because her step children who she sees on the weekends (?) don’t think of her as a mother. Yes she can adress that this hurts and if there is a possible for them to see it others. But not start crying and demanding a punishment for this kind of beheavour.
Maybe talk to your ex if it is possible that the children will be stay with you for the next weeks while he and his wife get to deal with this situation and learn to work with this, that the children don’t see her as a parent. So that they don’t have to guilt trip and punish childrens for their feelings.
NTA Your husband can’t force your shared children to view his wife as a mother figure. Punishing children for the way they feel is counterproductive. Not all families blend. Calling yourself a “bonus mom” doesn’t make it true. How his wife feels is about it is not your or the children’s problem to solve.
Your ex brought this matter up in front of everyone not you. If his wife is embarrassed or hurt, he should have been more discrete.
NTA. You didn’t see what they did as a grounding offense. You aren’t obligated to uphold your Ex’s punishment. It’s not like they were caught stealing.
Your Ex cannot force your kids to see his wife as their mother, and trying will only force them further from where he wants them to be. And his wife needs to be a more of an adult and not cry to manipulate them.
What your Ex needs to ask himself is not how to force his kids to see his wife as a mother figure, but why they don’t. Then, *maybe* he can find a way to fix it. In any case, he needs to accept that the kids are not obligated to see her as a mother no matter what.
In any case, you are not obligated to uphold a punishment because your kids refused to *replace you in their lives!*
NTA. It’s not your job to make your Ex’s wife feel better. Your kids’ behaviour might be symptoms of underlying issues that you might want to look into. If interested, you could also mention to the Ex that the more he pushes his wife on the kids the more resentment will fester. There are other ways for him to approach this
NTA. He’s making a huge mistake getting into a power struggle over semantics. It would have been so easy to say “moms or stepmoms, you guys want to race or what?” and not make a huge deal about it either way. He is setting himself up for conflict and resentment towards himself and his wife.
NTA, he can ground them during his parenting time. And I agree, it’s not a groundable offense.
NTA- you need to tell your ex that if he keeps forcing this he is only going to push his kids to resent not only his wife but him as a father as well. Good for you for having your kiddos backs and letting them know it’s ok to stand up for themselves when others are trying to put them in an uncomfortable situation!
NTA – They cannot punish your kids on your time. Your house is your rules. You don’t see as punishable, then it is not while they are at your house. It’s sad that you don’t have such a relationship that you two can be on the same page. But you are in no way obligated to continue a punishment you didn’t make. Oh well.
*”I need you to punish our kids for not participating in a game whose title essentially replaced you with her!”*
Yeah. Wait for it.
I swear those weaponized tears are so very annoying. Even third hand.
NTA
Your ex has the common sense of a chewed up goldfish if he thinks punishing the kids is going to make them see his wife as their mom. This will only make them resent her. It sounds like you’re the only adult actually listening to the kids.
Good, I hope she felt like shit in front of her family. NTA
NTA document all of this in text to him so you have proof. I am willing to bet that this isn’t the first time they have been forced to accept her as mom. This isn’t going to end well for your ex. Keep track of this and ask the kids about it. You may need proof if they refuse to go see him and end up in court.
NTA I’d tell my ex if he keeps pushing this and punishing our kids for his wife I’ll go back to court for full custody…. Ur kids are more important than getting Ur dick wet!
NTA at all. He’ll soon no longer have a relationship with his kids if he continues to disregard their feelings
NTA I will never understand why new step parents try to force the mom and dad bullshit.. I have an amazing stepmom I’m 37 now, known her for 25 years at this point, she is my second mom, and I love her with all my heart but she isn’t my mom. She never tried to be anything more than a concerned friend and I love her for that.
I don’t like what I’ve just read. It’s all the very opposite of how an healthy environment should be and it smells pushy.
NTA for siding with your kids but please ask them if this is the first time they are pressured
Good, he should feel like shit. What he and his whole family did to those kids, was shit. Next time don’t punish kids for telling the truth, because they will learn NOT to as they grow. Also ensure they know that just because something is true, might not always be best to voice it. In this instance however, they were pushed into answering, they get a pass.
NTA.
Ok, she’s only been in their lives for a few years, depending on how long dad dated her. But they’re teenager and pre-teen and should be allowed to make certain decisions. One of them is if they want to think of and call their father’s wife as their mom which of course they wouldn’t.
Sounds like your ex and his family are kind of pushing the kids to “accept” her as their other mom. They have a right to say no. They could have been more diplomatic about it, maybe making up an excuse not to participate like “it’s too hot” or “I hate that game”, but on the other hand, they also shouldn’t have to lie. They could have said “I just don’t want to play”. But maybe they dislike her enough they don’t care about her feelings. You could have a talk with them about how they saw the whole event and discuss how to handle things when stuff like this comes up again. Which it definitely will.
You have no control over how anyone else feels. If she felt like shit, that is not something you can control. NTA. You did right standing up for your kids. But don’t get sucked into using the kids to fight, which is what it sounds like new wife is attempting. Maybe ex and new wife and kids could benefit from some family counseling if she is that fragile. But that is not your problem and you shouldn’t be expected to continue a punishment you feel is unfair or unwarranted.
NTA. At all.
Under the *vast* majority of circumstances I am heavily for maintaining rules and boundaries across households in a coparenting relationship, because to do otherwise can often give kids the message that they can play (sometimes already-contentious) parents off against each other and that starts to lead to manipulation that isn’t healthy for the kids.
But there is something here that most definitely supercedes that, and that’s that your kids weren’t being naughty (even if they were clearly a bit deliberately spiteful in how they communicated), they were sharing their *legitimate feelings* about the circumstances they are in – circumstances which are genuinely difficult for most kids of divorce – and asking to be heard and respected about that. The didn’t disrespect your ex’s wife, *they* were disrespected by the adults present.
Yes, they should have known who was intended to be their partner in the game, and they were disingenuous pretending that they didn’t. But that’s irrelevant. They were making a point, and it was a legitimate and important one.
First of all, they shouldn’t have had to play any game at a family BBQ that they didn’t want to anyway. Games are supposed to be fun. If they weren’t interested, then the only point in making them play was to force them to be uncomfortable for the same of their stepmom. Strike #1 for the adults.
Secondly, they didn’t say that they disliked their stepmother, or say anything hateful about her. They stated a fact: she is not their mother. Period. And it is not hurtful or cruel to be clear about that. On the contrary, it’s hurtful and cruel of adults to keep trying to force a form of relationship between them that they are clearly uncomfortable with. Strike 2 for the adults.
And finally, their chafing at the idea that she “acts as their mother” when they are with their paternal family is also not hateful. They didn’t say that they don’t respect her authority. You don’t have to be a parent to be an authority figure; my own nieces and nephews always listen to me and treat me with respect, and I am not their parent. What they did was make clear that in NO WAY did they want her to be pretending to be their MOTHER – not sometimes, not under certain circumstances, not ever. And that’s for them to decide. Not her. The fact that her feelings are hurt is sad, but not their responsibility.
Do I think the kids deserve a talking-to about how to communicate their feelings without being petty? Yup, probably. But that’s as far as it goes. Grounding them is inappropriate, and expecting them to do “acts of kindness” for a woman who was actually stomping on THEIR feelings and boundaries is, frankly, grotesque.
You are NTA. Thank you for respecting your kids’ feelings on this.
NTA – WTF Doing acts of kindness for his wife…hope you go for full custody
NTA OP. Your Ex did not politely or kindly address the issue: “Oh, you’re right that mom/OP is not here but your step-mom would like to play the game so maybe you can team up with her so she isn’t left out”
Instead, they created a conflict with literal children to justify punishing them (on your time btw when you have to deal with the fall out). I’m guessing this is a reoccurring issue in your family and the adults knew the children would say they don’t want to participate in a mom/kid game without their mom.
To the last point, why is it your job to make sure his wife doesn’t feel like shit? Isn’t that like the husband’s job?
Am I the only one who thinks that this whole thing was a set-up to try force the kids into the unwanted second mom dynamic? “Okay families, all the kids are going to play this game where they team up with their mom!”
Don’t team games have a higher requirement for “similar team structure and aptitude” ie, all teams to be 1 adult and 4 kids and the kids further divided into say 2 older and 2 littles? What game is fair when one team is a mom and her only child 2 year old toddler vs a mom and her 4 teenagers?
NTA. But be prepared for the shit show that will happen should your kids get married and want just mom to be in the walking down the aisle parts
NTA. He made his wife feel like shit, not you. He tried forcing a relationship that doesn’t exist. That’s his bad.
NTA I can’t stand step parents who pull this crap. Your kids already have two parents. Your ex and his wife are going to alienate your kids if they don’t stop forcing this. Your kids have stated how they feel and that should be respected. Their stepmother sounds exhausting. There are a million things she can do to let the kids know that she loves them without forcing them to see her as a second mom.
So I wrote out this comment and deleted it because I see two issues, not one. In both cases you are NTA.
The first issue is: your ex does not have the right to make commitments on your behalf. If he wants the kid grounded while the kid is at your house, he needs to clear it in advance.
The second issue is the part about forcing them to view the stepmom as their mom. Your son is right in what he said.
NTA.
Seriously? She started TO CRY? I’m so rolling my eyes right now. What’s with her performative BS? It’s not like this is new. The kids clearly don’t have a parental relationship with her, and she was clearly hoping that having other family around would peer pressure them – and your ex did too. F – that.
I wouldn’t punish them either. They shouldn’t be punished for their own feelings.
NTA and neither are your kids. Your ex and his wife are on the expressway to never having the kids contact him once they move out at 18 (possibly younger if your court system allows them to choose if they want to stay with OP full time at 15-16yo). His wife is NOT their mom and he can’t punish them into changing their feelings. No, you can’t stop him from punishing them during his custody time and it sucks that we all know he will. But you have no obligation to punish them for what he deems an offensive statement or act. The kids were truthful.
And BTW, I have to state for the record that being punished by doing acts of kindness for his wife is simply laughable. This will backfire spectacularly on the wife. Your ex will order them to do XX as an act of kindness and they will do so but with the look of hatred on their faces towards her because it is a slap in their face to be forced to do this. I hope the wife quickly realizes how much worse she will be in their eyes and convinces your Ex to back off.
I see three issues here:
The first is the issue that the OP delineated, namely that her children don’t want to, nor should they be expected to, call their father’s wife of three years mom. She’s not their mother. They’ve already got a mother. Pick a different term. There are ways to create a familial feeling but forcing it never seems to work.
The second issue I see is that he massively overpunished a 13 and an 11 year old. 2 weeks? Are you serious?! That’s absurd at that age. They’re not in high school. All they’re going to learn to do is resent their father and his theatrically crying new wife.
The third issue I see is that dear ol’ dad is trying to control what goes on at the OP’s house. If he wanted her to sustain the punishment (see #2) she needed to have consulted her in the first place. Because the OP’s right, it’s not a punishable offense no matter how much his new wife sulks.
Have you asked him how this public shaming and punishment and forced acts of kindness are going to bring his kids and his wife together? I’d also ask him whose feelings about the relationship are more important, the kids’ or the wife’s? I’d also ask why real mom isn’t an appropriate term for you?