Hey everyone! 🌼 I’m in a pretty tough situation and could really use your thoughts on it. So, here’s what’s going down:
For the past four years, my husband, Adam (28m), and I (24f) have had a solid marriage. We rarely fight and have big dreams for our future together. Recently, I invited my friend Alice (25f) to stay with us after her breakup left her without a place to live. I trust Alice completely – we’ve been friends for over a decade! But things took a twist recently that has left me feeling really confused.
Yesterday, I got home to find Alice missing. Adam told me she came onto him, which shocked me! 🤯 Naturally, I reached out to Alice, and she flipped the script, claiming Adam pursued her and that she rejected his advances. Now I’m caught in the middle wondering who to believe.
Here’s where it gets tricky: Adam thinks I’m breaking his trust by wanting to speak to Alice, while he insists that talking to her will only complicate things. 😬 But I can’t help but think that I should hear her out. After all, both my husband and friend have been important parts of my life. So what’s a girl to do?
Here are my struggles:
- 💔 **Trust issues**: I’ve always trusted both of them, but this situation is breaking my heart.
- ❓ **Clarity**: I need to understand what really happened without jumping to conclusions.
- 🛑 **Boundaries**: How do I balance my loyalty to my friend and my husband?
So, I’m planning to meet Alice after work today to hear her side, but I’d love to get your take on it first! Should I try to get Alice’s perspective, or is it better to side with Adam? Can I trust my instincts when it feels like the ground is shaking beneath me?
**What would you do in my shoes?** Have you ever faced a similar situation? How did you navigate the trust issues with friends and partners? Let’s chat! 🙌💬
Also, if anyone has tips on healthy communication in relationships, I’m all ears! 👂
Thanks for reading! 💖
Your husband needs to explain every detail that happened instead of stonewalling you. That’s just making matters worse.
Then, you *could* try to hear what her side of the story.
Unfortunately, I am going to be judging character here.
You and your husband have a stable and strong history. Never fight. No reason to doubt. Happy go lucky couple.
But Alice?
Can’t say the same about her.
* A kid from a previous failed relationship.
* Just got kicked out of her exes.
* Her and mom are not on good terms.
* Mom is watching her kid for her, but not allowed to stay there.
A lot of instability going on. Numerous destructive wakes left in her trial. Could be bad luck, or that she’s the root in all of it.
Do you have any context to why they just broke up and how come she was kicked out?
You’re never going to find out the real truth, will have to be a blind faith call and pick a side.
Would it be strange to reach out to her ex and inquire about why they broke up? Without letting her know what happened.
Because if her ex says something like:
>I kicked her out because she was a habitual liar (or manipulative), and I couldn’t trust her anymore.
Well… Fingers point in that direction.
Also curious… Is her child adopted, sperm donation, or from a relationship with a man?
You have to admit, Alice’s life is quite the mess. Doesn’t that make you question why?
Edit: Another theory…
What if neither are innocent? What if they came onto each-other which is why neither of them told you immediately. Both realized it was wrong consumed with guilt. So she ran away. Now they’re blaming each-other in order to save face.
Updateme
The fact that he’s accusing you of breaking HIS trust by hearing your friend’s side of the story while not telling you anything of his side of what actually happened except to blame her tells me I have a pretty good idea who’s lying here. Hear her out. Listen with an open mind. Trust your gut.
Your friend that got kicked out by her ex then her own mom sounds like the least trustworthy of the two
Your friend is lousy with men, lousy with her mother, and lousy with her most recent girlfriend. HmmmmmmMMMMMM.
Updateme
Stable, happy marriage with loving husband or a deadbeat friend with a trail of self destructed relationships behind her. Who to believe???
The fact that your husband won’t tell you what happened is very suspicious. He doesn’t get to stonewall you, he needs to tell you every detail.
The friend’s life might be a mess but I don’t understand why husband wouldn’t just tell you the whole story. And that’s she’s a lesbian makes it very unlikely she’d have any interest in your husband.
That’s not what stonewalling is. He’s told you that she came onto him, he’s told you that if you don’t believe him there is a problem. I can’t think of anything else for him to say. If he said nothing at all, *then* he would be. It’s up to you whether you believe him or not, but what he’s doing isn’t stonewalling.
This is trolling right?
At the end your friend is staying with the mom, the same mom he said she cant stay with. So maybe she was able to stay there since the beginning but decided to lied to you to be with your husband?? But the actitud of your husband makes me back track on that version. I dont know i think at the moment he told you, you should tried to ger him to tell you more about what happened.
You need to sit them both down together and have them both talk. One is lying. They are both liars until one of them admits the truth.
UpdateMe!
Your friend sounds like she is in a state of desperation, plus given the other dets about her I would hedge a bet she is the one who is lying
My opinion is you owe your husband the benefit of the doubt. He’s who you have chosen to share your life with. However, your husband owes you a detailed version of accounts and very open communication. The stonewalling is a huge concern. I would put them all in the same room and have a discussion at this point.
Ooooh dang. I do not envy your position. I’m so sorry and good luck.
Why is her relationship with her mother so bad?
Why did her ex kick her out?
She’s a “lesbian now” implies she wasn’t always. As does her having a kid from a previous relationship. Is the kid from a previous relationship with a man or a woman? Sure, some lesbians were always lesbians that had hetero relationships because they were in denial, but I’ve known more than one woman who was straight, then a lesbian, then bi who were just generally erratic people with little sense of identity.
All signs point to her being the one with a string of questionable life choices.
Take from that what you will, but some extra information would help.
Also, your husband confessed without any immediate need to do so. Sure, he could have been trying to cover for himself and get ahead of the story, but I lean towards unprompted confessions as a good sign.
Also, if I was the friend in this situation and it was the husband who made the advance, I’d have been on the phone to you immediately after leaving. Not waiting for you to call me and ask.
This is a thing that happened in person. There is no digital footprint or any kind of hard evidence. All you can do is judge the characters of the people involved and any inconsistencies in the stories and make a decision on which person and which story is most believable.
UpdateMe!
If you’ve been married for four years and nothing like this has ever even come close to happening I think I’d be inclined to believe your husband. People often seek validation after a rough break up. I see comments on here saying he’s being evasive but that wasn’t my take away from what you wrote
I mean the thing is that she left, didn’t tell you about it… and l feel like she should’ve called you right away
That being said your husband is being really weird
I don’t trust his behavior but it’s odd she wouldn’t call or text before / while leaving
Updateme
Updateme
Definitely hear both sides
Updateme
UpdateMe
So, I know she’s your friend and you haven’t had any history of her lying to you before, but you have to admit that everything you’ve told us about her is all great evidence that she’s not the best decision maker. Maybe all of her issues have happened in spite of her doing her absolute best in each situation and the universe has it out for her, but the simplest explanation is that she is the source of the string of bad decisions and chaos in her life, and this issue between her and your husband is just the latest example of that.
Now, your husband’s behavior seems odd. He should be enthusiastic about telling you the details of what happened, given the seriousness of the situation when it comes to your relationship with him and your friendship with her. The exception to that would be if he hasn’t really ever got along with your friend for good reasons that you have ignored, and expressed hesitation about her moving in with you two that you ignored, and all of that has led to some resentment and he is just completely fed up with you letting your friend walk all over you. And now you questioning him about this is just more of the same and proverbial straw that has broken the camel’s back. You didn’t say anything that would indicate this, but I think you owe it to him as your husband to take off your friend-first helper hat and put yourself in his shoes to see if you can figure out how he feels. Maybe he did do this to your friend and it’s the beginning of the end for you two, but you’re going to meet that end anyway if he didn’t do it and you were too focused on your Jerry Springer Show friend’s life to consider how he felt.
Suggest to your friend that you have cameras in your house that record 24/7. Ask her to come clean. See what she says.
Proclaiming any sexual identity is not a lifetime commitment, no backsies, so commenters can just get off that train now.
More importantly, friend moved in because of the living situation with her mother. How likely is it that she would put herself in a position to ruin a long friendship, thereby losing housing for her and her child? EDIT: herself. Son is already living with her mother.
How likely is it that husband has something to hide when he won’t get into details and says you don’t trust him because you want to talk to friend?
They both need to tell you their side. You know them both pretty well it seems, can you tell when they’re lying? Trust your gut. But whoever won’t give details, I wouldn’t trust.
Maybe we have a different understanding of what stonewalling is. To me, it means he’s making excuses for withholding crucial information. But it seems like Adam DID tell you his side of the story. He said Alice came on to him and he said no. How is he stonewalling?
Maybe you mean he’s gaslighting you, which he may very well be doing. Particularly when he says you’re somehow breaching a trust by even speaking to Alice. That, of course is nonsense. He’s trying to convince you that you have a trust problem because you want to get to the bottom of what actually happened.
But you have two conflicting stories which, through no fault of you or whomever is telling the truth, automatically creates a trust problem and you’re entitled to try to find out which of the two people you trust is lying to you.
My question for you is, what happens if neither Adam nor Alice backs off of their respective stories? What then?
In your husband’s shoes… You invite someone into my family’s home who seems to burn bridges behind them, that person does something to threaten my marriage and family, and then you want to hear their side and don’t know if you can believe me? Screw you.
If your husband is honest, YOU may have destroyed your marriage.
See I’d out smart them both. Get them both in the same room together and then get the truth. It will come out especially if one or both are not being honest. Meanwhile I’d be holding a flash drive telling them both you know the truth bc it’s on the flash drive but you’d like to hear it from them. Someone will crack bc they think you got proof.
this is a hard one.
No matter what, you have to speak to Alice and find out what happened
The fact that your friend didn’t call you immediately to tell you about what happened is giving me major red flags about her.
Alice has plenty of reasons to ruin your marriage.
She hardly has friends, and her exes and mom don’t get along with her. She is most likely Bi, since she has a son.
You were happily married for 4 years and now you don’t know who to believe after you brought a problem filled friend into your home.
Alice is a snake.
This is going to be a judgement call on your part. If you and your husband really have the relationship you have stated, I would believe him. He has not given you a reason to doubt him. Alice seems to have many issues and doesn’t seem very stable. It benefits her to lie because she has lost her place to stay now. Unless you have cameras, there is no proof. You will just have to make a judgement call. I would tell your husband you need the details. It is a big deal and you have the right to know. Just know that if you hear Alice out, you may damage your relationship with your husband, for not believing him.
I honestly dunno bout this Alice apparently couldn’t go to her mums because of a bad relationationship with her but as soon as your husband supposingly hits on her she runs off to her mums? I have a feeling Alice has lied to you more than once and u just haven’t caught her lying. The husband sat there told u what happened then began stonewalling you after he told u what happened and u called her. I’d honestly be pissed too. I’d be cautious of what the friend tells you
I’m sorry this has happened to you OP and it’s very confusing. This is really a case of.’Who shot John.’ so you’re going to have to work on what you know and how each are reacting.
What concerns me a little is your husband’s stonewalling of you. You’ve known Alice for 10 years and I don’t think it’s breaking his trust if you just listen to her. I’m assuming you’re going to, so I would ask her to recount exactly what was said. There may be some clues in the actual words that you know instinctively will have come from your husband. You know him best. If she waffles and speaks only broadly, then I’d be more inclined to disbelieve her.
If there have never been any red flags in the past then there’s not much more you can do, you weren’t there and it’s impossible to prove.
Updateme
Alice has burned bridges with everyone so I’d be hesitant to take her side.
That said I would get her full story of what happened and I would get your husband’s full story. If anyone is not willing to share what happened in as much detail as possible then I would lose trust in that person.
Torn between saying it’s weird he is so against you talking to her and saying it’s understandable he is so hurt that you’re doubting him. This is a messy situation. I would talk to your friend, but go into it knowing she may make up a total lie about him. You ought to know how he flirts/acts towards women, he probably treated you similarly at one point. Not necessarily, of course.. people treat a fling and relationship differently. But there is a good chance he is telling the truth since this never happened until your friend moved in. Maybe just explain to him that you need to know why she did what he said she did. 🤷♀️
If your husband did nothing wrong and has nothing to hide, then he shouldn’t object to you listening to your friend’s side of it. His stonewalling and demanding your shutting it down so hard and fast is a little off.
EDIT: If this were me, I would insist the friend be there in the same room when confronted. Either way, it’s shitty you got stuck between them. Most would argue to side with your husband. Has he always been faithful? Is there a reason to suspect him?
What is more believable: that a lesbian came on to your husband in the home here she is staying because that’s her only option and then when he rejected her she left, or that a heterosexual man with which your friend is staying came onto her and she was so traumatized and scared she left for safety until you returned. She is willing to talk even though it will jeopardize her housing. He is not but is pissed you don’t just blindly believe him with no details. Come on, you have a gut feeling about what really happened. If a new housemate came on to my husband while I was at work he would be on the phone with me SO FAST to get home to deal with it together
Why didn’t your best friend text you immediately. Or your husband. This is weird. If one of my husbands friends made a move I would have said something right away
Mom wants nothing to do with her, girlfriend kicked her out, your husband kicked her out…. But you believe her 🙄🤦🏼♀️
I’d go to your husband put your arms around him and say I’m so sorry this happened to you. WE have to figure out what she’s up to. She could go around saying who knows what! This is serious, she could accuse you of you of a sexual attack! If he doesn’t start to talk, letting his story out I’d tell him I’m concerned about him. I’d say why won’t you tell me, I’m your wife you should trust with everything especially something like this! Tell him WE need to confront her, lets tell her WE need to see her right away! Let’s her hear what she has to say to OUR faces.
If he adamantly says no and keeps stonewalling I’d ask him what’s going on with you. Your saying I should trust you, well here I am listening to you, ready to defend you but you won’t let me! I can’t help if you keep stonewalling me. If he keeps his mouth shut I’d flat out tell him you keep me in the dark is MAKING me suspicious of your story. I’d say you’ve given my no choice I’m going to the friend and hear what she has to say. Put him on the spot, he’ll ether cry or squirm and lie. At this point they’re pointing the finger at each other. The truth will come out, be patient let one or both hang themselves.
It’s never a good idea to let a friend (even family) that’s going through a breakup into your home for more than a night or two. Boundaries are weakened. Saying a person is gay or lesbian doesn’t matter, people are people.
Good luck, I don’t envy you. Updateme
Guaranteed commenters who are demanding the husband go into every detail of this encounter would not be demanding the same of a woman rape victim.