Are you the a-hole for not allowing treats from your ex-partner for your son unless treats are also brought for your daughter? #ParentingDilemma #FairnessInTreats #CoParenting #FamilyRelations
**Background:**
– Single mother to two kids, different fathers
– Daughter from late husband, son from ex-partner
– Issue with ex-partner bringing treats for son but not daughter
**The Dilemma:**
– Ex-partner brings treats for son only, daughter feels left out
– Insists on treats for daughter too, but ex disagrees
– Wants ex to at least pretend treats are from him to avoid hurt feelings
**Your Thoughts:**
– Is it reasonable to expect treats for both kids from ex?
– Should you buy treats for daughter yourself to avoid the drama?
– Are you prioritizing your daughter’s feelings over your son’s?
What do you think? Are you being unreasonable in this situation? #ParentingAdvice #CoParentingIssues #FairnessInFamilyRelations
I think if it is small things like sweets or chocolate, and it’s not a special occasion, and you are willing to pay for it, and it’s only about stuff that comes into your house, then NTA.
I know everyone will probably be all, he doesn’t owe your daughter anything. But they are still kids, and they don’t nuance and adult relationships, they just seem one kid getting treats and they don’t. If couse it will make them feel shit, and of course they don’t have the emotional maturity to understand. It just seems mean to bring stuff for one child and not another.
If I was visiting someone and I was going to get a small treat for a child who I knew was there, and when I was on my way I found out another child was at the house, I’d get two treats, because I’d feel like an asshole if I gave something to one child and not another, for no reason.
NTA.
1) The original poster (OP) has made it clear that she does not provide junk food in her home, but she has no objection to the father providing it outside of her home.
2) The OP has also stated that she is willing to pay for the items, so she is not asking for an unreasonable amount of effort from the father.
3) It is the OP’s home and her parenting time, and it sounds like the father is pushing this issue to the point of parental alienation against the OP.
4) is an edit of number 3) would be willing to push this issue to the point of being called parental alienation. I.e. making statements like I don’t bring you McDonald’s anymore because your mom won’t let me. Or even worse, playing the boy against his half sister.
I can understand why you would tell him this and honestly it would be easier if he would let you send him money for your daughter. She’s just a kid and shouldn’t be treated that way
INFO: Does you daughter consider your ex to be her dad? From the timeline, does she remember her bio dad (condolences on your loss, I’m so sorry) or is ex the only father she’s ever known? If she’s 10, does she understand that “separation” apparently means that your ex doesn’t consider her family? And just to be clear, he’s treating the girl he’s helped raise since she was a toddler while you are separated, not divorced?
NTA –
It doesnt matter if she biologically isnt his child, it’s an awful thing to do to children. This isn’t a large present or a birthday gift, they’re small treats and if he brings for one child in the household he should bring for the other. Or at the very least do that outside of the home when he has your son/is out spending time with his son. It’s odd behavior considering he would have at one point been a fatherlike figure to her and a rude thing to do in general. If he has manners, he would bring for both and his refusal to accept your money to bring for your daughter makes me think he’s doing this for his own ego or to show he can surprise “his kid.” It’s very selfish behavior on his part and you tried to provide a solution. He’s so immature for doing this to a child.
NTA and you’ve been entirely reasonable, offering to pay for comparable for her. He’s a total A H with some issues, to be consistently mean to a little girl like this. Glad to see you’ve gained some wisdom from all this, and hope you’re just taking a break from the whole serious dating thing for a good long while. Honestly, sometimes it’s just more trouble than it’s worth, and your ex is a case in point.
You’ve offered a few reasonable compromises. You’re entitled to your boundaries. NTA
NTA. Damn your ex is cold to do that to his (ex) step daughter. Like you said, it’s one thing if he’s doing it out of the house but it feels almost punative to your daughter. Your requests are completely reasonable. Tell him he’s directing his anger at the wrong person – it’s clear he’s doing this to hurt you. Hugs to your daughter.
NTA. Children don’t understand the dynamics of an adult relationship. Every parent divorced or not should abide by these rules. You don’t offer a ride to your kids friends and then buy ice cream just for your kid. It’s all or none. I get if money was the issue but OP offered to pay. This guy is just a jerk.
INFO: Why is he bringing treats to your house instead of taking your son out or giving him treats at his own house? Is he visiting during your time with your son? I’m trying to understand if he’s just dropping in with treats or if he’s getting them during his time with your son and dropping him off to you with the treats.
Either way, I don’t think you’re an AH for not wanting your daughter to feel left out, but it does seem unfair that you’d essentially ban your son from getting treats unless your daughter does as well.
I think offering to give him money to bring treats for your daughter is a great compromise but of course you can’t force him to do that. Have you had a chat with him about how it makes her feel? Or brought up how she is blaming herself for the change in their dynamic?
When you both decided to end things did you sit down with the children to discuss the new dynamic? Are you able to get your daughter into counseling to help her understand it’s not her fault?
NTA, If your ex is visiting your son in your home, tell him he either complies with your request or all visits will need to take place outside your residence. That means when he arrives to pick him up, your son should ready to walk out the door. He can take him anywhere he wants for his time with him if he cant treat your daughter any better.It’s shameful that he essentially ignores her after spending so much time with her. He’s hurting her as a way of punishing you. Please make sure she understands she has done nothing to deserve this treatment from him.
How would this hurt his son?
Even if you’re not in the wrong he has no obligation towards your daughter and will not make any special efforts. Maybe just to piss you off, but who cares. You will need to come up with other solutions (have treats at home for your daughter ready to give to her when he’s coming?). NTA, though.
NTA-This wouldn’t hurt your son in anyway and it’s concerning he‘s using that excuse. It feels like he’s trying to cause alienation. You could have banned him from bringing the treats into your house entirely and it’d be reasonable. He doesn’t get to overrule your house rules.
I would never arrive at someone’s house with some kind of treat for one child and not another. Your ex is being more than rude he seems to be acting deliberately hurtful to your daughter. Good for you for advocating for your child. NTA but your ex definitely is
Stop the fly by visits. Get a flat out visitation plan in place. He can pick up his son and take him out. No more visits in your home. That just confuses everyone.
Get both your children into therapy. Eventually your son will see the mistreatment of your daughter and will either get mad at his father about it or think it is okay and join in.
You are NTA. But you need to get that man out of your house. He doesn’t get to hang out in your home and mistreat your daughter because he is angry at you.
NTA. I feel like there are a lot of missing reasons for why his is being so spiteful.
It is cruel and you are right to feel that way. Also what kind of perspective is that teaching your son? That his sister getting the same thing as him, takes something away from him? That’s some top grade patriarchy BS. You’re not even asking him to pay for it. You are just asking that he pick up two of an item instead of one.
I am sure you can think of creative ways to help your daughter feel special at a time when it would be easy for her to internalize the difference in experiences as a reflection of her lack of worth.
At the end of the day what children value most is experiences and time spent with their parents. So while maybe you have a treat basket she gets to pick from or maybe you make a jar filled with fun things the two of you get to do together and she gets to draw from it after her brother is with his dad. Of course you don’t want to isolate your son, but more give her things that make her feel seen and appreciated by you.
I say this also as someone who had a step-son for 10+ years. He had a sister from his mom and whatever treats we sent him home with, we sent some extra for his mother to give to his sister. It’s just common courtesy. It seems like your ex husband is trying to punish you by taking it out on your daughter.
Just let him be him and figure out a way to show your daughter that she is loved and to never internalize someone else’s actions as a reflection of her own value.
This is a complicated situation. I don’t see you as an AH here, but I also am not sure you’re handling this right.
I don’t think it’s your ex’s responsibility to be a father to your daughter when he’s no longer your partner.
I also don’t think it’s fair for him to be told he has to bring something for her to bring something for him. Better to just say that your daughter doesn’t have a father in her life, and seeing this stuff reinforces that trauma for her.
If I were in your shoes, I’d nix the drop by treats or toys or whatever completely. Tell him anything he buys for his son needs to stay at his place for when he has custody. Treats, toys, etc.
NTA
You are in control of what happens foodwise in your home. He is control when your son is with him away from your home. He is setting up your son for friction with his half sister, among other issues.
NTA
To quote the great film Clueless, “you divorce wives, not kids.” Your ex was basically this girls stepfather most of her life. There’s no reason to taunt her with treats she can’t have.
Setting even the step dynamics aside, this is just poor manners. I would never send my kids to a friend or neighbor’s house with treats for just themselves and none to share. Your son can finish his treats with dad or bring home enough to share.
Ya know what? I was really ready to go Y T A on this because, no, your daughter isn’t entitled to snacks from someone unrelated to her. But a couple of things really swayed me to NTA.
The smaller thing is the money. If you’re telling him you’d pay for it, there’s literally zero reason not to get her something other than spite. And I really cannot fathom how it would “hurt” your son to get his sister a frickin cupcake or whatever.
The big one is that she *was* related to him for most of her life. Forget the treats, it really reflects poorly on him that he doesn’t still foster a relationship with her. He was a daily part of her world for four formidable years. I’m not saying he should consider her his child or pay large sums of money for her general support. I’m not saying he needs to see her every time he sees his son. But it’s pretty sad that he doesn’t care about her enough to include her on an occasional outing or ask her how school’s going or about the things she’s into. It takes minimal effort to have a friendly relationship with a 10 year old, and most decent people would be willing to do that for a child they lived with for four years.
NTA but be prepared to deal with this for the rest of your life. What happens when son gets a new car from dad that happens to be better than daughter’s car? What happens during holidays? What happens when one child has extra help paying for college but the other doesn’t? What happens when son comes home with stories of treats and trips with dad? Will he be forbidden from discussing it with your daughter?
No bringing treats to the home for just one child, that’s a fine rule to have. I understand it. “In this house we treat all children equally.” I wouldn’t allow anyone to come in my home and ignore my child. That’s fair.
But prepare yourself and your daughter to deal with the fact that there will always be a disparity. Your son has two parents. Two sets of holidays, gifts, extended family. Your daughter has one parent. Things will always be different. Try to avoid creating a competition. Your daughter lost her father and her father figure, that has to be incredibly painful in so many ways. A donut isn’t going to change that. Hugs to you mama. This shit sounds rough.
NTA – how he’s treating your daughter I would equate to emotional abuse. Stop letting him do “fly-bys”. He’s doing this to hurt you and in turn, doing irreversible emotional damage to your 10 YO.
So many unnecessary words here. This guyis an a-hole who is punishing your daughter because he is a jerk. No a big mystery to figure out. Keep your rules in place and if treats come in the door, they share. Easy peasy. And spending one iota of energy trying to get him to agree? Why in world would you? Be a grown-up for goodness sakes and take care of your kids the way you know they need to be taken care of and stop asking the Court of Public Opinion to watch out for your daughter. That’s your damn job and YTA for not doing it and responding to everyone in this thread. I hope this is a bs post!
Your ex is a bit of an arse in all honesty. How can you go from being a major part of a child’s life to deliberately excluding her? Also, OP, why is he coming to your home with treats anyway? Surely he should be picking up your son for his time and if he comes with food then you just take your daughter out for something she’d like when they’re away.
ESH in all honesty although he sucks worse. Pretending that he cares enough to include her will backfire very badly on you further down the line given that he’s shown you he lacks empathy for your daughter
NTA
It’s not that hard for a grown ass adult to buy a treat for a kid who loves him WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S MONEY.
I get the man is hurt but ffs, he supposedly cared about the daughter too. She is a KID.
My best friend was basically raised by her mom’s 2nd partner Phil for 8 years. She has no ties with her bio dad who her mom left in France.
Her mom has since martied dude #3. Phil took my friend in his family’s vacation this year. They treasure their relationship.
He needs to grow the hell up or he will be a bad dad tp his own son. Even if you are hurt, caring about children who you let grow close to us should be important–
especially since it takes no effort to say to the cashier “two happy meals” instead of just one.
He’s trying to get revenge on the OP by messing with her kid’s head. No good parent I know would treat another child in their life like this.
Honestly YTA. Yeah it sucks that your son is getting treats and your daughter doesn’t and is feeling left out but he doesn’t have to get her anything. He has a right to buy things for his own child, even if it makes someone else jealous. If you know your son is going to come home with a special treat why don’t you just get your daughter something yourself. Why does your ex have to pretend to buy it and give it to her. That’s just weird
YTA. Your other child is not his responsibility. As long as he’s taking care of his child that’s what should matter.
YTA. If he ignores her outright it’s something to face and deal with not trick her with snacks. She could find that out later and have issues from that too.
Nta. He says your daughter isn’t “entitled” to have the treats? What a jerk and also thick headed by not understanding what your telling him.
I think you’re failing to look at the bigger picture here. He’s around and taking a somewhat active role in HIS son’s life. You’re punishing/ straining the relationship between father and son because you want your daughter who you had with another man to be included? That is not his child.
I am a female. I am a single mom. The father has never been a part of my son’s life. The father crushed my skull in two places and ran off.
Where’s your daughter’s father? Stop trying to shelter them or create this fantasy bubble where it’s a picture perfect family with normal dynamics because it is not. Be grateful at least one of your baby fathers is around to want a relationship with his son. Harsh truth, but he owes you and your daughter nothing.
YTA hardcore.
While ops solutions could work there isn’t enough background to know what her son’s dad is like this. Some single parents don’t allow the step parent to bond with the child yet use the distance against them in circumstances that make him look bad.