, I have just started working after a year-long maternity leave, and both my husband (33M) and I (29F) are currently working from home. We are facing challenges in finding a nursery for our 1-year-old son, so we have taken on the responsibility of caring for him ourselves until November. Additionally, my dad lives with us due to his health condition and helps by cooking lunch whenever he is physically able.
Given this context, today I approached my husband and asked if he would be willing to help with cooking, as he used to take on this responsibility during the lockdown period. I suggested that we both participate in meal preparation. However, instead of agreeing or offering an alternative solution, my husband responded by saying that it wouldn’t make sense for him to cook because he is busy with work and earns more money than I do.
Upon hearing this response, I was taken aback and felt deeply shocked. It made me question whether I truly know who my husband is. While it is understandable that he may not want to cook or be unable to help out in the kitchen, it is the reasoning behind his refusal that has left me feeling hurt and confused. The notion that he believes his higher income exempts him from domestic responsibilities has left me feeling disrespected and unappreciated.
In any relationship, it is important to foster a sense of equality, especially when it comes to household chores and responsibilities. It should not be solely dependent on how much money one partner earns. Instead, both partners should be willing to contribute to the household duties in a fair and balanced manner, taking into consideration their respective schedules and abilities.
It is crucial to communicate openly and honestly with each other, voicing concerns and expectations within the relationship. In this scenario, I feel that my husband failed to express his unwillingness to cook or contribute in another way effectively and respectfully. His response left me feeling like my desires and needs were disregarded based solely on a financial imbalance in our income.
Having just returned to work after a year of maternity leave, I am faced with the challenges of balancing my professional responsibilities with the care of our child and household tasks. It is not unreasonable to ask for assistance from my partner, particularly since we are both currently working from home. Shared responsibilities and teamwork within a relationship can help alleviate stress and ensure a harmonious environment for both partners.
While it may be tempting to draw immediate conclusions about my husband’s character and intentions based on this incident, it would be more productive to engage in a calm and open discussion regarding our expectations and perceptions of gender roles within our relationship. It is possible that my husband’s comment was simply a thoughtless act in the heat of the moment, and through communication, we can work towards a resolution that acknowledges both our individual needs and our shared responsibilities in maintaining a functioning household.
Ultimately, it is essential for couples to openly discuss and negotiate the division of household responsibilities, ensuring that it reflects the values and needs of both partners. Simply attributing domestic duties based on income disparity is not a fair or sustainable solution. Mutual respect, understanding, and compromise are key components for building a strong and supportive partnership.
Ask him if he wants to eat. If so, he’d better get off his high horse and help out in the kitchen.
It won’t end there. The list of demands will grow over time, and the more you do, the more he’ll demand. I would have a stern talk, and cut that behavior off straight away. You are not his employee. Alternatively, he could go without eating.
It’s rude, inconsiderate, selfish and disrespectful to tell your partner you aren’t going to help around the house because you make more. Maybe he should change more diapers since you carried around the baby for 9 months. Or maybe you can start simply making dinner for everyone but him.
How much he makes does not increase or decrease the amount of work in a home. Unless he wants to use some of that extra cash to hire someone to help you tell him to get off his lazy ass and do some work.
A family is like a car; if one of the wheels refuses to turn, even though it’s not broken, then everyone else is going to need to do more work because of it which will wear them down much quicker.
This isn’t about money. This is about time, and how much time each of you puts into your SHARED responsibilities for childcare and household duties.
He’s out of his damn mind if he thinks that a bigger paycheck buys him a free pass to not help out around the house, and that includes cooking.
Tell him that if he’s going to treat you like a SAHM then by golly you’ll just quit your job and let him pay ALL the bills while you take care of the house and kids.
Doesn’t matter how much he earns. Does he work a lot more hours than you? And not by choice. If you’re both working 40 hours than you also split the housework 50/50. Partners should both be working about the same for the family between their job, managing the house, and taking care of the kids.
He’s telling you that unless you earn as much money as he does, you don’t have as much value and your time is worthless to him. I’m sure he’ll tell you the wage gap is a myth, too. Overall, he’s being gross.
Who makes more shouldn’t matter in a relationship or marriage when it’s a partnership. My husband makes 130k to my 52k but our daughter is 7 months and it’s all hands on deck right now!
You aren’t asking your husband to take time off work to help cook—you’re asking him to contribute to the domestic duties. That’s not a big ask AT ALL.
Uh, no. If you’re both working, then home duties need to be split 50-50.
Boggles my mind how many women end up in this situation
I make more money than my wife, I also work more hours so it’s logical that I make more. Just finished cooking dinner for myself and my two kids, have a nice hot plate waiting for her when she arrives home. But wait there’s more, in a couple of minutes I’m going to bathe my 2 girls do their hair and make sure they are ready for bed. So by the time my wife arrives she only has to cuddle with them and chat about their days.. is this special or do I need a pat on the back or whatever.
No off course not. It’s a how a freaking partnership is supposed to run. Takes 2 too tango and it takes 2 too run an effective household..
Do people know their spouses before marrying them nowadays???
There’s no need to keep him around if you’ll be doing the same amount of work as a single mom. Let him pay alimony and child support and he can cook for himself instead.
I’m so sick of these stories where there’s clearly one partner who is trying to get away with mistreating the other and push the boundaries of what’s ok in the relationship.
Do you want your child to grow up in a home where they see mom being used and abused by dad? Do you want to perpetuate that this is normal for your childrens’ relationships? If you won’t stand up for yourself at least do it for them.
“I earn the money so get back to work peasant”
That’s what he thinks about you.
What a trash attitude.
>Today I ask my husband if he’ll help with cooking again as he used to cook during lockdown and have said that he will help meal prep. In return, he told me it makes no sense for him to cook because he’s busy at work and earns the most money.
I wouldn’t cook another meal for him again
What a disrespectul ass. Was he always like that or he thinks he is something better just because he earns more now?
The quantity of money a person makes shouldn’t impact the amount of work they are expected to contribute to the home. It should be based on the number of hours worked. If you both work the same hours outside the home, you should both expect to work equivalent hours inside the home.
Plus I doubt he would be singing the same song if you made more money.
If he earns more money he can hire a chef
Ok, you do the cooking for u and your dad and let husband sort himself out.
I would suggest reading the book Fair Play, because you’re already in the situation where your husband doesn’t value your time equally. You will be expected to handle almost the entirety of the domestic workload. It will only get worse as the baby grows and enrolls in school. You’re going to be expected to get the kid up for school, dress them, feed them, handle all appointments for them, cook all of the meals for them and your husband, take care of your father, keep the house clean, keep track of every extra curricular activity your child has, do the laundry, vacuum the house, mop the floors, buy all the groceries, buy the clothes, school supplies, plan all the meals, change the meal plan when your husband doesn’t like something, change it again when the kid doesn’t like something, and your husband will expect you to be happy and pleasant when he gets home with dinner waiting on the table, where he will exaggerate his probably not so stressful day at work, and then expect that you still have energy for sex when he wants it. And last of all, the fact that you work too will not change any of the above in his mind,
Your husband is an a-hole imo.
Oh look, another sexist mysoginist man. How surprising…/s
He has found his seat at the Patriarchy table.
The only way he gets out of sharing cooking duties bc he makes more money is if he personally pays an at home chef on his nights. So yeah no he still has to pull his weight. What an AH thing to say.
I’m a WFH /SAHM as well. My husband works in an office, and makes more than me. We share the cooking duties because sometimes our kids want my attention more, and sometimes they want his attention more.
I will say this- working from home and taking care of an infant (I have a 6 month old that is home with me while I work and a 6 year old that’s in 1st grade until 3pm every day) is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I’m standing here taking a “restroom” break using my knee to rock my 6 month old to sleep and type out this response. If we could afford for me to be a SAHM… I probably still wouldn’t, because being a Mom and a Wife aren’t the only things that define me- my work is important to me.
I don’t have an answer for you other than the fact that your husband needs to understand that his income doesn’t change the fact that you’re meant be a team for your family. If he doesn’t want to cook, fine, but saying he *shouldn’t have to* because he makes more money sounds entitled and borderline misogynistic.
If his income dictates familial roles, then I hope he’s paying for food delivery and a cleaner to come once in a while, because two full time parents have enough on their plate as it is.
Ask him if you found a job making more money than him if that means he’ll cook and take on more of the at home responsibilities. His answer will probably tell you if he’s being entitled, or if he’s being misogynistic.
The cost of elder care and child care is ASTRONOMICAL. You are helping everyone by staying home. Go over the price of your labor, see how much you contribute .
surrogate mothers cost about $100-250k , so he needs to work that off.
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Honestly if this is his response to HELPING WITH DINNER you should probably start thinking about counselling now. That’s not a healthy response to a division of household duties
Start cooking only for you, your dad and child. Let your husband fend for himself. That’s what he deserve.
This sounds like something I should be reading in a historical document. Seriously, what century is your husband from? Transactional, sexist thinking is so last century.
I have earned 70%-100%, at various times, of the income throughout my 20 years with my wife. I also cook 80%+ of the dinners. Dude is trippin’.
Since he makes more, and doesn’t want to cook, maybe he should pay to outsource this. It’s a job. Why should it fall on you?
Erm you are both working and taking caring responsibilities! If he earns more money and wants you to do the cooking he should pay for a cleaner so you don’t have to do that chore, or he could just be a normal spouse and split 50/50 – I bet he wouldn’t suggest this if you earned more
Tell him, since he earns more, he can hire a cook.
Honestly, you will be responsible for everything.
I even take care of my husband’s hobbies. He became completely incompetent to do anything for himself.
It started gradually… Little by Little I do everything. I still do everything even when he retired. Why, because now he is old and has no idea how to do anything in the household..
Don’t allow this shit…
Remind him, when you leave him, he will have to cook all his own dinners and will only keep about half he earns, maybe.
Well I know who I wouldn’t cook for
You should charge him interest for giving birth
He thinks that now that you’ve had a baby with him you are less likely to leave, so he’s free to show his ass. This is just going to get worse, I’m afraid.
I hope you laughed in his face and told him since you had to go thru the pregnancy and birth he needs to now care for the baby by himself
Leave. This is just the beginning. He’s going to get worse.
if he doesnt make enough for you to be a SAHM, he doesnt make enough to say no to chores.
Income and chores aren’t interchangeable, but time and chores are. You both work, so you should both do chores. It doesn’t matter that he makes more. He should be cooking too. It would be a different story if you didn’t work, and you asked him to cook while he was in the middle of working… but even then, his comment is still rude asf.
Sounds like he got red-pilled… check his tiktok FYP & see if any male podcasters pop up
DO MEN ACTUALLY DO THIS? I make the same as my partner and, though our salaries fluctuate over the years, generally it is the same. Because of insane overtime I got a few years ago we were able to qualify for a higher priced house (lucky timing).
No offence, but I am SO GLAD I went to grad school, because I am not a wallflower type in a relationship (not saying you are at all). But if a MAN ever told me I had to do the COOKING because he made more (while I was doing the TRULY hard work of childcare) I would be too livid to sleep for months.
The shit that men are able to get women to do/ hold over women drives me mental.
End rant.
I mean if he earns more money then he can use that money of his to buy dinner for everyone
This is a trap.
You’ve taken time off work for maternity leave to support the family. Those sorts of breaks affect your income earning potential, and rely on your husband being basically trustworthy not to try to twist a higher income to arrange things in his favour.
If you take on more of the load at home, that restricts the time you have to put into paid work. Which then reinforces the cycle. He gets to advance his career at your expense. Any accounting of your contributions to the family should recognise that sacrifice.
If he’s the sort of person to use a higher income against you, then he’s not the sort of person you can trust enough to risk your own income earning potential, because he’ll just use that against you.