I am an AI language model, and I’m really sorry to hear about your heartbreaking situation. Discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful can be extremely devastating, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling drained physically and mentally. Coping with such a betrayal and making decisions about your future can be extremely difficult, but I’ll do my best to provide you with some advice and guidance.
First and foremost, it’s important to prioritize your well-being and the well-being of your children. Taking some time apart, like staying with your mom, can provide you with space to process your emotions and think about what you want for your future. Surrounding yourself with a support system, like your family and perhaps close friends, can help provide emotional support during this challenging time.
In terms of explaining the situation to your children, it’s essential to approach the conversation with sensitivity and care, considering their ages and emotional maturity. It’s important to assure them that they are not to blame for the situation and that both you and their father still love them dearly. While it can be tempting to protect their idealized image of their father, honesty is important in the long run; however, the level of detail you provide should be age-appropriate. Seek guidance from a therapist or counselor experienced in dealing with family issues and infidelity to help you navigate this difficult conversation and support your children through the process.
As for your husband’s attempts to win you back and act like nothing happened, it’s crucial to take your time and prioritize your own feelings and needs. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is an incredibly challenging task, and it requires both partners to be committed to the process. It’s important to assess whether you genuinely believe he can change and rebuild the relationship, or if it’s better for you to pursue separation and eventually divorce.
If you decide to consider reconciliation, professional help is highly recommended to guide both of you through the healing process. A marriage counselor or therapist specializing in infidelity can help facilitate open and honest communication, address the underlying issues contributing to the betrayal, and help you both determine if it’s possible to rebuild trust and recreate a healthy relationship.
However, it’s important to remember that forgiveness and rebuilding trust are personal choices, and it’s okay if you feel those choices aren’t right for you. You have the right to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. If you determine that divorce is the best course of action, consult with an attorney to understand your rights and protect your interests throughout the process.
Throughout this difficult time, it’s crucial to prioritize self-care. Take time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy and comfort, and consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor to help you navigate the emotional challenges and to develop coping strategies.
Remember, healing takes time, and the process won’t be easy. Lean on your support system, be patient with yourself, and trust that you have the strength to rebuild your life and find happiness once again.
Your 16 and 14 year old shouldn’t need any explanation besides the truth. He f’d up, not you. If this shatters his standing in their eyes? It’s on him. 11 year old might be able to handle the truth but could be more struggling to understand the concept. It’s the 8 year old you need to come up with a plan for
Was it really that hard for him to just get a divorce or try counseling first? Sheesh
🤢
Tell them the truth, none of them are babies.. and it better to say the truth..
Sit them down at your mom’s
” me and dad are divorcing I found out he has been unfaithful for a very long time”
That’s all that needs to be said.
Also block the soon to be ex, kids are all old enough to communicate to him of they chose also he can talk to your family.
You never have to see or speak to him again.
You said he trying to win you back??
Didn’t he just admit he not attracted to you? What he wants to win back is his comfy life and cook and cleaner.. also now he actually has to be a parent to have a relationship with the kids.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How painful, after so many years. And when you confront him his answer is so cold and shows no remorse. I’m happy you have the strength to leave him. He doesn’t sound like he cares at all.
It’s time to open that space up for something better OP. Stay strong.
Take advice from your attorney on what to tell the kids. You are in a vulnerable position until you are legally divorced. You have no idea what else he’s hiding. You need to find an attorney and file ASAP. He’s been leading a double life. He may have already cleared out the retirement funds to fund it.
Go to the Chump Lady site and read up there.
“My friend found your father on Tinder” may be the truth but it’s a big bomb go drip so be prepared. Frequently kids turn it around on the one who was cheated on as it’s easier.
Get STD tested and file ASAP to lock down joint assets. In some states you can ask for any money he spent on his affairs back. Also make sure they he is not sharing your nudes or even your kids with sex groups. At this point you are married to a stranger and anything is possible.
Please get therapy, that is a mind fuck and with how far he went this wasn’t about you. You don’t go to sex parties because you aren’t attracted to your wife. You do it because you have a predilection for it.
Talk about it with a family therapist on what to say, I would want to tell the oldest at least so they understand why you can’t go back to him. He’s clearly a selfish man, he’ll make you the villain to the kids
I have no words. I’m so sorry OP.
I am so, so sorry.
Please send the kids to therapy,”. Coming from a house hold that had a parent cheat on the other (who I would of called my best friend at the time, being the cheater).
My older sister and I (17 at the time) went and it helped a bunch, my younger one (13) didn’t. It really messed her up and she’s had some real hard obstacles that all started around the same time our parents got divorced that she’s now just overcoming.
I’m 30 now and I feel so lucky that my father talked me into going because it was probably the lowest I’ve ever been and therapy really helped me out.
I am so sorry, OP. He is an AH, and I hope karma comes to bite his ass. Please get tested, and make sure you have a kick ass attorney. Lastly, make sure he doesn’t make you the villain in this story, and people know that he was unfaithful. He chose to step outside your marriage and betrayed your relationship – he is a liar and cheater. He will do whatever he can to make sure people don’t know that and may do so at the cost of your reputation.
In terms of your kids , perhaps getting advice from a family counselor may be helpful in how your position it. But again, please make sure that your STBx does not make you the bad person in this story.
Sending you lots of hugs and strength. You got this.
The kids 10000000000% DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.
All they need to know is that sometimes things happen between couples that cannot be repaired, and that this is is NO WAY their fault.
Sharing personal details of your divorce will only alienate them from their father.
He was unfaithful to you, and that is horrible and unfair, but it’s between you and him. Kids should never know “who was wrong” in things.
~someone who has been though custody battles and MANDATORY parenting classes that 💯 agree and tell parents the SAME thing.
Your kids are old enough to know the truth. Keep it simple – their father was unfaithful and you can no longer continue to live with him. This could be a good life lesson for them. Sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we want it to. Relationships can hurt us. We should not stay with people who disrespect us. And that the 5 of you, if you continue to love and support one another, will bounce back stronger as a family.
I’m more concerned about your well being. Get an STD test
I’m sorry you have to go through this. It’s awful knowing the man you married is an unfaithful asshole. Tell your children the truth. Dad messed up and is being unfaithful. They will probably have questions that you can tactfully answer. Let your husband have to navigate his relationship with them from this. He’s probably on an apology tour because of alimony and support.
Not attracted to his wife for over a decade, but still goes on to make two more kids in that time, what a guy… I’m so sorry!
Married to a divorce attorney, and am an attorney, as well. Get a good lawyer and a therapist.
Don’t get into the details with your kids about why the marriage is ending — the older ones will likely figure it out on their own, and the younger ones can’t comprehend the complexity of the situation.
Though it’s tempting, one of the worst things you can do is badmouth their father, whether what you tell them is the truth or not. If you call their dad a monster, their first thought will be “I’m half monster…” because they are (developmentally) the center of their own universe.
I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. Went through something similarly shocking with my ex; it takes a long time to process. Believe me when I tell you: this is about him, not you. Don’t believe him when he tries to blame his bad behavior on your “failures.” Don’t doubt your worth, your intelligence, or your ability to get through this. It sounds like you have a strong support system, which is wonderful.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Schedule an STD test first.
Don’t fall for his lies. He’s trying to win you back when he’d been cheating on and not attracted to you for years? Nope.
You can tell your kids age appropriate information. Definitely, don’t lie to the children and don’t cover for him. Tell them he’s done something that broke the marriage.
Why is he trying to win you back? Is it just damage control with the relatives so he looks like the good guy for doing the apology rounds and saying the weasel words?
Since the story is all around the relatives, your children will find out the truth earlier than you’re expecting as their cousins will overhear their parents talking and tell your kids the juicy details. Just be honest how he fell out of love with you and you’re parting ways. Then nothing more. My mother’s words still haunt me from 20 years ago when she told me all the nasty things Dad said to her during their divorce.
50 years ago this was the Midlife crisis. Where he shows up in a Red Sports Car. Why did you buy a Red Sports Car his friends ask? “What is a midlife crisis? “Midlife” takes place approximately between the ages of 40 and 60, give or take a few years. One common belief about this stage of life is that you should expect to face inner turmoil about your identity, life choices, and mortality — in other words, a midlife crisis.” ….. Johnny Carson left 3 boys from his 1st wife – Jody Wolcott — and eventually 4 wives. (Well, he died on the last one).
I read it and i feel sad 😔 because i realised that no matter how much u thought a person wouldn’t changed.. at the end of the day love faded and they do change. Sad truth.
Get a lawyer who will help you navigate thru everything and is such a help. Get yourself and your kids in therapy. The kids therapist will help you tell the kids what they need to know. Go as low contact with your husband as much as possible. He can do thru your mom and there are parenting apps you can use for the only contact
I was that kid. I was 8 and my mother told me the truth. My father cheated and she was divorcing him. The truth is what the kids deserve to hear. I am so very sorry you were betrayed and hurt. Your husband honestly sounds like a disgusting man. You deserve so much better.
So sorry. A family member did something similar ( he used escorts in hotels everywhere) and she had to get rid for the sake of her children. He should leave the house, be uncomfortable and have to look for a new place, not you. The children should be in their own beds. Pack his stuff up and tell him your done and tell the kids everything will be ok. Speak to a lawyer and then process it all and take care of yourself. You did not deserve this.
tell the truth
Jesus, no advice what but a horrible situation. Fuck him. You and your kids deserve better. And they deserve a devoted father.