#ExWifeDrama #NewlywedStruggles #MarriageIssues
Hey there! It sounds like you’re dealing with a tricky situation with your new husband’s ex-wife wanting to be close in your lives, even though they don’t have any children together. It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling uncomfortable, especially when she’s showing up at your live shows and making things awkward. Let’s break it down and see how we can navigate through this situation.
Understanding the Dynamic
First off, it’s important to understand the dynamic between your husband and his ex-wife. From what you’ve shared, it seems like there’s a bit of a complex relationship going on. She’s been overly nice and supportive of your relationship, hangs out with you guys, and even shows up at your shows. On the other hand, her behavior can be loud, overbearing, and disrespectful towards your husband. It’s clear that there’s some sort of unresolved issue between them that needs to be addressed.
Setting Boundaries
Communication is key here. Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about how you’re feeling. It’s essential to set boundaries and let him know that you’re uncomfortable with the ex-wife’s presence in your lives. It’s not about being insecure, it’s about feeling respected and comfortable in your own marriage.
Handling the Ex’s Behavior
It seems like the ex-wife’s actions may stem from a place of wanting to feel relevant and close to your husband. This could be due to unresolved feelings from their past toxic and on-again, off-again marriage. Based on what you’ve shared, it’s possible that there’s a codependent dynamic still at play. Try to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, but also firmness in establishing boundaries.
Advice from the Bhagavad Gita
In the Bhagavad Gita, there’s wisdom about detachment and duty. It’s important to fulfill our duties (in this case, your duty as a spouse), but also detach from the outcomes of our actions. This means doing what’s right and setting boundaries, but not being attached to how others react. It can be a challenging practice, but it can bring clarity and peace in difficult situations.
Seeking Professional Help
If the situation continues to cause rifts in your marriage and you’re struggling to find common ground with your husband, it might be beneficial to seek the guidance of a professional counselor or therapist. They can provide neutral and unbiased perspectives to help navigate through the complexities of the ex-wife’s involvement in your lives.
Ultimately, it’s important for both you and your husband to come to a mutual understanding and respect each other’s feelings and boundaries. This can be a process, but with open communication, empathy, and setting healthy boundaries, you can navigate through this challenging situation and strengthen your marriage. Good luck! 🌟
Get rid of the husband if he can’t get rid of her.
You sound jealous and controlling. You married him knowing their dynamic, and now you are trying to force him to change. He doesn’t want to. He wants her in his life. Accept it or divorce him.Â
>  I think there’s some weird codependent mommy trauma bond still happening
Most posters on this sub are astonishingly oblivious but you nailed it. There’s almost definitely nothing to be threatened about and I bet, contrary to what they think, what you’re feeling isn’t even threatened – more weirded out. You’re basically dealing with a mother-in-law situation but also with ex-wife energy, which is absolutely weird.
Probably the easiest way to handle it is to treat her more like a mother-in-law than you would an ex, start putting out a low key “we are young and understand each other, she is old and out of touch” energy.
I am aghast that you married into this.
I’m curious why you chose to marry into this- it’s not like it happened after you got married.Â
While I agree their dynamic sounds bizarre, it sounds like they’ve had the same relationship since you met him. If it never changed while you were dating and he never agreed to cutting contact with her when you got married, I don’t know why you’d expect him to suddenly change his mind.
This was an issue to resolve before getting married. Since you didn’t, you need to decide whether or not it’s a dealbreaker for you.
After knowingly marrying into this dynamic, you want our help forcing your husband to change. I don’t think that’s our role here. What you are asking for is significantly different than having the terms of a happy, healthy marriage change on you after the fact.
Love this or leave it. If *you* change the terms of your relationship after he’s committed to you, then he’ll have every right to leave *you*.
>He thinks I’m just being insecure
Ugh, I really don’t like when someone brings up an issue or feeling they are having and their partner waves it off by labelling it an “insecurity” vs actually understanding and caring what their partner is saying.
I don’t see you as being insecure at all, I can see how this would be genuinely annoying/frustrating for you. Times all that by 2 for having a husband that doesn’t care to listen or see your side seriously while catering to his ex wife from 6 years ago.
I think you have to have a conversation with your husband and get him to understand that he is disrespecting you by labelling you insecure instead of actually understanding the issue here.
I just read your post in 1 min and from how you worded it I can see the issue pretty clearly in my mind and it isn’t insecurity.
This is the dynamic that was in place when you married him. Did you think it would magically change with a wedding band?
There is 3 people in this marrige one beautiful amazing woman once said I think your in this weird situation speak to your partner say this has to stop now and tell him how you feel.
State that if you wish to prioritise her comfort over yours, feel free to go and do so. He is obviously still married to her and not to you, so let him go and wallow in the toxicity. Get out of there.
Why in the world did you marry this person? You knew this is what his relationship would like. Did you actually think it was going to make a 180° turn?
Show him this thread let him see that other people think this is weird as hell.
Yeah, they have a toxic relationship still. She is completely ignoring traditional boundaries in a relationship, as a friend and as an ex. Get rid of that toxic & probably controlling ex.
Your husband needs therapy if he thinks it’s ok and normal. It’s not.
Ooof. Why on earth did you marry this guy when you knew he was like this? He sees nothing wrong with the codependent relationship with his ex so you’re not going to be able to get his ass to counseling. Honestly, you have to either live with it or dump him, because at 38 and having imprinted on this creepy older woman like a baby chick he’s not going to change.
Sounds like my own partner’s mom so you’re on the ball with the mommy part
I wonder if you’re meant to be their baby surrogate – seen some weird post like this before where the ex wanted to be buddy buddy with the new wife until she got pregnant then she wanted to take the baby and her ex
Updateme!
I’d just tell him in no uncertain terms to _cut the umbilical chord or I walk!_
>She has always been overly nice to me and supportive of our relationship.
You have no reason to talk to this person it all, other than in passing.
>When we all hung out
Not sure why you agreed to do that.
>and “make” us hang out with her.
“I don’t want to talk to you, Karen. You’re harassing us. Go away or you’ll be asked to leave.”
You shouldn’t have married him, with this dynamic. It does sound very toxic and co dependent still. She probably is lonely and wants to assert dominance over you somehow. Imo work on making her useless and outdated, then work on cutting her completely.
Why did you marry someone or stay in a relationship with someone that is still attached to their old one since no kids are involved? That says more about you and how desperate you are for a man. You brought this on yourself by basically agreeing to be a thrupple. That ex should have been cut off and there is no need for them to be friends, unless you are ok with your husband having a side piece for the rest of your life. It is his responsibility to act on cutting the relationship including socials. If he can’t figure it out then he should get a therapist that can help him. You also need one for yourself.
*he divorced this woman so he wouldn’t have to be around her*. Why is he pressuring you to let her crawl up your ass so bad?
You say they married when he was very young and she is much older than him. I think this plays a BIG role in their relationship dynamics.Â
Say he was in his early 20s and she was like 40 when they started dating? That would give me pause. Yes, it’s legal, but a lot of age gap relationships, especially when they start before the younger person is 25-30, have a major power imbalance.Â
Another thing to take into account is how his mom treated him. Was she abusive or overly clingy with him? It’s possible his ex was a full in for the mom he never had, or she was basically mom number two the second he moved out.Â
If the age gap likely had an effect on their dynamics, I would bring up the possibility of codependence. Do it gently, but ask if he thinks that’s possible. If he doesn’t want to talk about it let it drop, but he may even think more on it later.
And if none of that is the case? I’d at the very least see about compromising. You can’t keep her way from public places, but you can see if your husband would be okay at least cutting down on time with her. If he refuses, I’d consider it a red flag.Â
I only have a smart assed response. lol. There’s a TV show I love with an entire cast of awful people. One of the awful people thought that getting another of the awful people (his twin sister) into a relationship where a man would take his sister off of his hands would be the way to solve the spiraling depression his sister was at the time experiencing.
So, that’s my suggestion. Every time she shows up or your husband invites her somewhere have a man in her age range there and available to introduce her to. Every. Single. Time.
She’ll either get the message that she’s being inappropriate with the reminiscing over your husband and hers failed marriage. Or she’ll get the message that you all aren’t in a thruple and she needs to move on.
Or you could outright tell her you’re pregnant and ask what she wants her grandma name to be. lol.
You’re not insecure. Your husband is obviously exactly as you call it. Weird mommy trauma bond shit.
We might be more insightful if we knew what these live shows were?
Was this happening before you got married? I think it would have been easier to address before making a commitment. Maybe you should ask if he would join you for a few sessions in couples counseling to discuss this further.
What are the shows? Also start calling her mom
Your husband’s goal should be to make YOU happy not make his ex wife (who sounds like a weirdo) happy. Get counseling.
That is extremely weird. That’s not appropriate at all. In fact, i probably would have ended a relationship like this instead of letting it develop. I don’t get it.
Time to move.
He needed therapy, not a relationship. He wasn’t ready to move on and still isn’t. He’s still so attached to her and she enjoys him still being dependent on her.Â
He needs therapy now so he can break free from Mommy 2.0.
How does his family feel about their relationship? Have they told him that this isn’t normal or healthy?Â
There isn’t much insight to be had here, use your common sense and divorce that man. He’s still “married” to his ex.Â
I’m asking this question without malice or disrespect. I notice that many others have asked and you’ve responded to their comments yet it seems made it a point to NOT answer the direct question: being that this was going on before while you were dating, why did you marry into this dynamic?
You married a guy with a committed girlfriend
The fact that you married the man and now take issue with who he has in his life is gamey as hell… It’s like you want to control his friendship, a well established friendship at that as they have been divorced for 6 years!! And you have been together 2.5 years. Presumably this isn’t new and you knew about it when you married… Sure your husband has Mommy issues and could probably use a lot of therapy but what about deceitful control issues you have with your husbands friendship (THIS ISN’T A NEW FRIENDSHIP) You had plenty of opportunity before marrying his to decide this was a problem but you decided to wait until you were married thinking that have you more influence… Smh…
after reading your comments it sounds like your husband needs to see the doctor about his spine problems.
im all for healthy relationships with exes but this shits weird as fuck!!
Please don’t have kids w this man.
He’s made his choice and he gaslights you.
Yes. Give up the act and leave. It won’t ever change.
I married him because he is the love of my life and these have been the best years of both our lives. We have made such a fun beautiful life together.