#RelationshipAdvice #CheatingBoyfriend #DatingDrama #Heartbreak
Emojis: ๐๐คฆโโ๏ธ๐
Title: How to Attract the Right Kind of Partner and Avoid Being Used
Hashtags: #DatingDrama #Heartbreak #CheatingBoyfriend #RelationshipAdvice
Are you in a situation where you feel like you’re always attracting the wrong kind of partner? Do you find yourself constantly being used and lied to in relationships? If you can relate to these feelings, you’re not alone. Many people have found themselves in similar situations and are seeking answers on how to avoid being hurt in the future.
In the wake of a devastating discovery that her boyfriend has been leading a double life, one woman reached out for help. Here’s a comprehensive guide to understanding how to attract the right kind of partner and avoid being used.
Understanding the Signs of a Deceptive Partner
First and foremost, it’s important to recognize the signs of a deceptive partner early on. Learning to identify red flags and trust your instincts can help you avoid getting entangled with someone who is not who they claim to be.
Signs of a deceptive partner may include:
– Unexplained absences or frequent trips out of town
– Lack of transparency about personal life and social circles
– Inconsistencies in behavior and stories
– Unwillingness to commit to a monogamous relationship
By being vigilant and observant, you can protect yourself from falling into a relationship with someone who is not truly available or trustworthy.
Self-Reflection: Identifying Patterns in Your Own Behavior
In addition to recognizing signs of a deceptive partner, it’s crucial to take a closer look at your own behavior and dating patterns. Oftentimes, we unknowingly attract the wrong kind of partner based on our own subconscious beliefs and actions.
Ask yourself these important questions:
– What are my non-negotiable values and boundaries in a relationship?
– Do I tend to overlook red flags or make excuses for questionable behavior in a partner?
– Have I been upfront and clear about my intentions and expectations in a relationship?
By understanding your own contributions to the dynamic of your relationships, you can start to make conscious changes that will serve you better in the future.
Building Healthy Boundaries and Asserting Your Needs
Moving forward, it’s essential to establish healthy boundaries and assert your needs in any romantic relationship. Being clear about what you will and will not tolerate sets the tone for mutual respect and understanding between partners.
Strategies for building healthy boundaries may include:
– Communicating openly and honestly about your values and expectations
– Being assertive in expressing your needs and desires
– Recognizing when a situation or dynamic is infringing upon your boundaries and taking action to rectify it
By prioritizing your own emotional well-being and setting firm boundaries, you can create a foundation for healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Finding Support and Seeking Professional Guidance
Navigating the complexities of dating and relationships can be challenging, especially after experiencing betrayal and deception. Seeking support from friends, family, or professional counseling can provide valuable insight and guidance as you heal and move forward.
Professional guidance may include:
– Individual therapy to explore past relationship patterns and identify areas for growth
– Relationship coaching to develop skills for building healthy, lasting connections
– Support groups or community resources for individuals navigating similar experiences
By reaching out for support, you can gain the tools and knowledge needed to attract the right kind of partner and build a fulfilling, genuine relationship.
Closing Thoughts
In closing, it’s important to remember that the actions of a deceptive partner are a reflection of their character, not your worth. By recognizing signs of a deceptive partner, reflecting on your own behavior, establishing healthy boundaries, and seeking support, you can empower yourself to attract the right kind of partner and avoid being used in future relationships.
Remember, you deserve honesty, respect, and true partnership in your romantic endeavors. Trust in your instincts and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
If you’ve found yourself entangled with a deceptive partner or are seeking guidance in navigating the complexities of dating and relationships, reach out for support and continue to prioritize your own emotional well-being.
Edit: I dumped his ass the day I found out.
You arenโt doing anything wrong – heโs just a grade A jackass. Is there any way you can contact his gf and warn her what a POS he is? If I were her Iโd want to know.
You didnโt do anything wrong. Guy turned out to be a piece of shit. Do as much as you can to not let this jade you.
Other than dating a cheater? Youโre doing nothing wrong. Ditch that bozo.
What should you do? Cut all ties with him, heโs a piece of shit & doesnโt deserve to be in your life.
You havenโt done anything wrong, itโs just that some people are cunts & take advantage of others.
You canโt tell who is going to cheat on you when you meet them, itโs just something thatโll happen or not, someone can treat you so well & tell you everything you want to hear & also have something going on the side with someone else.
Where did you find him? I think naturally growing relationships are better and in todays society relationships start and grow unnaturally
Some people are pieces of $#!%. I don’t know if you are really doing anything wrong, it could just be a string of bad luck. Vetting them by not crossing physical boundaries and getting to know them first seems like the right call, but douchebags are gonna douche regardless. The only thing I can offer is maybe consider where you are meeting these guys, and/or what attracts you to these particular men in the first place. And even then, I’m not trying to pin blame on you, I’m just saying perhaps there’s a pattern to be aware of to lower your chances you waste your time on one of these losers again.
Don’t get dates from Facebook, that’s my tip (I saw it in another comment). This is a huge generalisation but active Facebook users now tend to be batshit crazy.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Unfortunately, some people are just shit and he falls into that category. Itโs hard to see this sometimes, so Iโm not sure what to tell you other than weโre not all like that.
. I genuinely wonder what I’m doing wrong to attract guys like this
Maybe you should be asking what type of guys you’re attracted to? Basically, what type of guys are you going for? That’s probably something to look at. Maybe look to go that you normally wouldn’t go for? What about that friend, maybe the guy who’s kinda quiet; maybe he’s a little bit shorter than you’re use to? Basically, when it comes to dating, think outside the box.
You didnโt do anything wrong- you got swindled. Something kind of similar happened to me several years ago, I thought back to a few times that I thought maybe I suspected he wasnโt telling the truth, and just filed that away for future reference. There was one other time that I felt like I was being lied to about relationship availability and I just cut it much more quickly, trusting my instincts.
Iโm so sorry this happened to you, and Iโm so sorry for his partner too- what a terrible thing.
Calling him your boyfriend is your first problem.
Leave this guy, HE DOESNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU
As other users have said, don’t blame yourself. There are some changes to your dating and vetting behaviors that can DECREASE the risk of running I to guys like these but it’s impossible to 100% prevent that from happening. How did you meet him? How did you find out? Are there things you could have done to find out earlier? Looking back on actions taken, what were some red flags?
You did nothing wrong. The fact that he needed โa breakโ every two weeks was a pretty big red flag that he was leading a double life. Itโs crazy to suspect that though as a normal, honest person, although is actually isnโt as uncommon as we might think.
I would also not worry about having been with one more guy. Everyone is out there looking for the right one.
Itโs lovely that you are nurturing and want to cook and clean for a guy, but letโs split the difference for a while. You can cook for him, but donโt date anyone who doesnโt keep a clean apartment. Thatโs more of an adult.
what you did right was dumping him. what are you doing wrong maybe it’s nothing maybe it’s your social circles. take time to reflect on yourself and change or keep what you like about yourself.
You stumbled upon a sociopath. More often than not we filter them out, because they give us subtle *yikes* feelings.
… then all of a sudden someone we knew for years makes a slip of their act. They were itherwise undetectable by my own radar, regardless what I did. That’s what happened here. Their *tuning* was immune to the radar.
Introduce to friends for a casual setting, like cocktail bars or something. Other people are real fucking good at noticing things the butterflies make you ignore.
Why assume that you’re doing something wrong? Some people are douchebags and sometimes things go wrong.
I am truly sorry to hear that. I wish there was anything more I could do. Some people really are just shitty.
This is very easy. Make sure you meet his best friends, family, colleagues. Be in all of his life. If he does not want any of this -so- if you don’t get to meet people close to him you will know there is something hidden. And follow your gut feeling.
Easy does it.
The more staunch and vocal you are about your requirements when you meet someone new, the easier it is for them to lie to you and for you to believe their lie, especially if your own ego is a factor. Most people believe their own instincts implicitly, but we’re all ironically really poor at accurately judging how gullible we are.
I see people all the time try to start relationships by giving a list of their redflags, trying to get ahead of any possible discord that might come up in the future, but that just gives liars a script to play by.
You cannot vet for liars. Sorry that happened to you though. Liars are like the human version of a landmine.
All the waiting and vetting in the world does not stop this type of person.
One of the things that is often exploited in the world of dating in the United States is the only way to acquire the information that most people need to make a good judgment about a potential partner is to pretty much turn into a full blown stalker and or exhibit behavior that is generally labeled insecure and or clingy.
Things like the “three month rule” have been destroyed by people who pursue multiple relationships like this. It doesn’t get you people who value you, it gets you people with limited options and nothing better to do. I personally have had half a dozen times in my life that a woman that I was interested in wanted to “take it slow”. Every single time it resulted in her having a new boyfriend a few months later. So now, If you tell me that you need 3 months I will most likely thank you and move on.
Him needing to leave town on a regular basis to me Sounds like his pregnant girlfriend has been in an ongoing long distance relationship and he was looking for something more convenient. His need to travel every couple of weeks. Is a small red flag you ignored because it had a plausible explanation. The solution there is to press for more communication during such a time. Wanting to video chat early in the morning or late in the evening, asking for pictures of what they are doing right now, etc.
Whenever I choose to pursue someone seriously, I do it completely willing to pretty much open up my life to them.. want to look through my phone? Sure here you go. Want me to set up some kind of location sharing so you can see where I am at any given time, not a problem. Want to video chat me pretty much anytime of day.. That’s fine. I have nothing to hide. I may not answer promptly all the time because as a firefighter I may be on a call and would not answer until we were finished. In my experience it really only takes a few “spot checks” to create a certain amount of trust. People in jobs like mine often face similar problems in the other direction because if I’m working a 24-hour shift… A girlfriend knows that I’m gone for at least that long. The odds of me coming home early are pretty much zero. Allowing a significant other to pursue relationships with other people several days a week. they know for a fact I will not be home even though I’m only a few miles away. I’ve seen several situations where girlfriends or boyfriends were caught because their unit was dispatched to a place where they were meeting a date, or drove by and a strange vehicle was present at their home.
>We were talking and seeing eachother for 4 months before even crossing physical lines, and I thought I vetted him thoroughly.
That’s crazy. Looks like he was using you as a maid and waiting you out while getting the other girl on the side. It wouldn’t surprise me if you weren’t the only two irons he had in the fire.
Normally I would advise waiting to have sex, but four months is already twice what I would suggest. I think that would work for most guys. If you need some extra peace of mind after this guy, maybe you could agree to share each other’s phones or something.
This kind of crap is common, and people wonder why so many people have trust issues and โunreasonableโ boundaries.
You didnโt do anything wrong aside from trusting the wrong person, it happens. Were there any possible red flags that you ignored? Maybe heโs just that good at playing around and managed to balance it well enough that it left you suspecting nothing.
The only thing that is usually a clue to this that I can think of is being a little too private, and long breaks in communication or being inconsistent. Like heโs usually prompt in responses but sometimes heโll go long periods without responding. Lots of excuses, like my phone died, I was busy with whatever.
Itโs just one of the things that makes dating so damned hard. If youโre too observant youโre paranoid and prone to looking insecure, if youโre not observant enough you get played.
From how you describe yourself, you seem a pretty decent catch, donโt let this one Jack-wagon ruin you.
Itโs never your mistake!! If someone decides to cheat us, they will do it.
I would strongly advise you to shame him so that he wonโt do it again. Put his pics or post about him in the fb groups where women share these stories. He wonโt be able to take it down or go against you as itโs true.
Now he easily got away with it. You broke off and she forgave him. He will surely repeat it again.
But if he and other men like are afraid to be shamed, they will stop it.
Nothing. Shitty people do shitty things.
>I always approach relationships with serious intentions and somehow always get lied to or cheated on.
>…why I keep being used
This stands out though. If all of your relationships are going this way then maybe you aren’t setting boundaries? I don’t know you but this seems like perhaps you aren’t assertive and don’t have boundaries.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
However, if you find you are continuously ending up with scumbags, it might be time to reflect on where you’re meeting men and/or look for any commonalities with the men you’re dating.
Your problem is you’re attracted to the men that *every* woman wants
Ma’am you didn’t do anything wrong you ran into a class act jerk actually you did the right thing by dumping his sorry ass.
>What am I doing wrong?
not putting “ex” Infront of the word boyfriend.
Man.
Guys like this are my competition and Iโm still losing.
Woman here but similar thing happened to me, dated a guy for almost 2yrs, we spent time at each others houses, met friends, I let him meet my daughter (which I never do unless it’s long term/serious) we didn’t live together or anything and we didn’t spend every day together as we both travelled for work ( I’m in software sales, he was a gov contractor) Then I get a call from his WIFE. I was gutted. Felt so bad for her and for me and made me take a long hard look at the men I’d been allowing into my life. Through therapy I’ve come to see that I’m “too nice” I’m an honest upfront person so I automatically assume that’s what others are as well, and I give people second chances as I would hope for the same grace. I also grew up super sheltered and religious so kind of made me into a people pleaser and believing in the best in people.
I could go on and on, but it’s not you, its them. Perhaps look into therapy to learn about boundaries and learning that being cautious/skeptical isn’t a bad thing.
He’d make excuses to visit another city every 2 weeks for a “break”
โ
And this didnโt raise about 1000 red flags? I donโt get women, I really donโt.
The only thing you’re doing wrong is assuming any of this is your fault.
As I learned the hard way myself, this line is what’s probably causing issues:
> I do everything I can for a guy I’m dating, I help where I can and try to make his life easier
This is something you only need to do for someone who’s already proven himself. And proven in this context means he does the same for you and you notice he does the same for you. Such a relationship will only ever work if both people have an instinctual need to look out for each other. If you notice that the other approaches a relationship in another way, you need to adapt your own behaviour to that.
Donโt let another person take their pants off around you until you have both met each otherโs families. Date people and limit yourself to make outs only until you find someone you like enough to do that. Youโll be engaged in a year.
Is it possible that you are just too damn good? Meaning that some dudes canโt help but dog nice women. They donโt plan on longevity because of the fact that a nice/good woman probably expects the same from them and thatโs not realistic to them. So they take and take. โGoodโ women are arguably open and understanding and nurturing a lot like mothers. Most of our moms love us no matter what, these dudes think that that your love in unconditional due to your caring nature and assume they can get away with mistreating you.
Holy cow, how do people even think about doing shit like that? Being loyal isnot hard๐ญ
You did nothing wrong. Cheaters,regardless of genitalia, are just trash. The only thing you can do is move on,and learn to identify red flags
And it sucks now,but better the one who only wasted 7 months,than 2.5 years + incoming baby with a serial cheater.
Upvoted because of the edit.
You’re not doing anything wrong, but possibly slow down while dating…
But again, you aren’t doing anything wrong, dude is a douche bag.
Pick better men.
What I would be doing is looking at what these guys had in common.
I kept getting “crushes” on women that I was meeting. Then I realised that all these crushes had one thing in common, all of them were survivors of childhood trauma. I came to the conclusion that I have a serious “rescueing pattern” and I should never have ANYTHING to do with a woman who I am attracted to.
I’m not suggesting that is what is going on for you, but I am saying that there is a common thread with these assholes. And that drilling down, preferably with the help of a sex positive therapist, will help you break this habit. Whatever it is.
And, I’m sorry this happened to you. Dick punch is in order here.
That’s not a “you” thing. This isn’t a normal occurrence.
It’s just bad luck =(
Edit – Just saw more of the story in a reply below.
Step #1: get an STI screening. You were probably one of several he was sleeping around with.
Step #2: Get another screening a few months from now and some things take a while to become detectable.
Next I would sit back and reflect. There were probably signs that something was ‘off’ that you ignored. After 4 months, here is what I would have noticed:
Did communication and texting seem inconsistent, like he would go radio silent or vanish during times when you would have expected like when he was off work or during weekends? Did he have social media, and were you connected on it or did he ever mention you? Did you meet any of his friends and family.
Typically when a guy or girl is just stringing you along for sex, they will keep you at an arms distance from their life, so no mention on social media and you never meet friends or family, and they will often go “radio silent” with communication, brcause they are with someone else during that time.
Learn from this.
You will find someone and it is unfortunate this guy turned out to be a turd. Sounds like he played the long con and probably has more than just two relationships. Stop dating trash men from clubs. Donโt invest so heavily emotionally in a single exclusive relationship unless that person proves through actions that they are seriously into you. Date with the objective of enjoying yourself and meeting people, otherwise you are going to keep going into the same cycle of over commitment and possible betrayal.