Are you the a**hole for wanting alone time when your fiance changes plans last minute? Feeling frustrated about not getting time alone in the house? #AloneTimeDilemma #FianceFlakeOut #PersonalSpaceIssue #LastMinutePlanChanges #RelationshipStruggles
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
YTA – It sounds like she’s hurt and/or suspicious that it’s so important for you to have her leave for an entire day or two. In her shoes, I likely would be as well.
>she never gives me time alone in the house.
INFO: Have you expressed in a calm manner that you would like some alone time on occasion? And yes you could absolutely go outside the home to be alone. It’s not unreasonable to want/need time alone now and then, but it sounds like the pair of you suck at communicating.
Edit: You can make time for yourself, I think it’s denying your own agency to just put it all on her and whine about how she won’t let you.
OP I dont understand your issue. You can be alone anytime and make yourself alone time.
Just tell your girlfriend you would like to be alone for a few hours and go into a seperate room?
Take a “whole day off” from being together have a bath, read a book, go out to eat whatever you want to do without her ?
Why is it neccessary for her to be out of town to have alone time?
Ofc she gets upset. You litterally told her you are bothered by her presence. And you want her to leave your home to feel good?
I am also someone who needs alone time at home. Not everyone understands this need, and some people take it personally. You have to be clear about your needs and emphasize that you love spending time with her, and that it truly isn’t personal. I could see her feeling hurt if you seemed disappointed that she wasn’t leaving, or if you actually said to her that she never gives you alone time – that could seem pouty and critical. You *might* be the AH, depending on how you reacted/ communicated your disappointment, especially if you’ve never expressed this need, or tried to establish a way to incorporate alone time into your routine. That said, she doesn’t need to understand it firsthand to be able to give you space for the day sometimes. You just have to communicate and compromise.
NTA. I also rarely get time alone in the house – my husband is semi-retired and runs a business from our home, so he’s basically always in the house. I work full time, 3 days a week in the office and 2 days from home. I also socialize separately with friends more than he does. So he gets a lot of time home alone and I get it only very rarely and really, really look forward to it when I do. We’ve been married over 20 years and we both understand the need for alone time at home.
It sounds like your finance doesn’t understand what is special about alone time at home for you – perhaps she’s not someone who values that, or perhaps she gets more of it than she cares for, so it feels like rejection to her. Hopefully you can find a way to explain that alone time lets you recharge and unwind, and doing so at home (as opposed to while traveling etc) is especially relaxing bc you’re in your own space (or however you would describe it). To be honest I think it’s really important for her to understand this as a valid and non-threatening need over the long haul, bc it really matters to be able to respect each other’s needs and space and over time.
NTA. I totally understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes all you want is time completely to yourself at home, and if you were expecting that and then were unable to get it then I get why you’d be annoyed.
She seems to have overreacted a bit, and it’s coming from a place of hurt. She sees it as you not wanting her around specifically, rather than just needing to be alone for a bit.
NTA. All these people saying YTA have either never lived with someone long term, or are extroverts who don’t *need* time alone *at home* where they can have complete privacy. I’ve been married for over 30 years and I don’t think my husband prizes time alone at home but I *need* it to stay sane.
Some of my best days were when he would take the three kids out for the day, and even now when they’re grown, I feel a sigh of relief when I know he’s going to be gone all day on a day I can stay home.
OP, I understand you. I too need to be alone at home from time to time. You can’t just “go out” or close a door in your apartment to be alone like many here suggest. Being alone in public or just being in a separate room from your partner does not feel the same as being absolutely alone in your own home. However, you can’t demand of your partner that they must leave the apartment to satisfy your needs.
It sounds like your disappointment turned into an accusation when you stated that your fiancee “never gives me time alone in the house”. Again, I understand that you were lashing out due to frustration, but that still doesn’t make it OK. You can tell her that you really could use some time to unwind for yourself and maybe propose she spend a couple of hours with her friends, take a spa day or something similar, and then you could both do something fun together for the evening. Alone time followed by quality time together.
I also think your fiancee overreacted, ad you according to your comments had previously tried to express your need to be alone. Therefore, I deem it a very small ESH, as I think you both could be better at communicating and compromising.
Does no one here understand the value, and difference between “alone time” abroad or in town, and being alone in your own home?
Are people really that dense?
I(F) totally understand where you are coming from. I would love sometime alone at home. I do go out with my friends and go to week-long classes in other states once or twice a year and it is not the same as having some time alone at home. My spouse is retired and I work from home so we are really together at home all the time. He won’t even visit his adults sons and their families without me (they are only about a 30 minute drive away). While I crave some alone time at home to do projects, etc. we are not getting a divorce or anything crazy. You are NTA for wanting alone time at home and being disappointed when you think you will have some and last minute plans are changed. How does you being disappointed at her last minute plan changes equate to you kicking her out? It sounds like she is totally over reacting at you being frustrated and disappointed – you are allowed. I also wonder what her friends think if she has a habit of cancelling on them last minute. I hope she realizes they will stop inviting her places if they think she is just going to cancel anyway. Maybe when you need some alone time, give her a gift of a spa day or tickets to something for her and her friends or family to enjoy. I have gifted wood working classes and things like that. This is not a relationship breaker if you 2 don’t want it to be. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Sounds a bit unhinged to start packing and suggesting you’re kicking her out. However, context is everything. Some people get upset if you go on a trip and don’t call them every day to tell them you miss them, and some people go on trip and don’t call the whole time because their partner understands that you miss them even if you haven’t called. My point, you and your fiancée need to have a real, serious conversation about your wants and needs before you get married. If true alone time is something you need in your life, this convo needs to happen before you get married, because this “fight” will be the first of many about an issue that needs to be nipped.
NTA – she massively over reacted.
She asked why you were annoyed. You told her.
Simple.
Everyone likes time on their own. I love my misses but I’m looking forward to the day she says I’m off out for the day so I can buy junk food and spend the day chilling on the Xbox, PJs, curtains shut
This post just made me realize how misunderstood introverts are (and how lucky I am to be surrounded by people who do. Wasn’t always that way though).
– going out alone (dinner, movies, cafe, or whatever)
– booking a hotel room to be alone
– staying home alone…
are completely different things!
We just sometimes need that time to ourselves without having to think of anyone/anything else, and being home alone does that.
I LOVE being home alone and I’d say YTA. You have chosen to live together with someone and it’s her home too. Therefore, you should look at it as she always being home by default and if it happens that she’s away, great for you but you shouldn’t expect that. She can cancel her travels at any point for any reason to stay home.
I like having time by myself so I get you. And I do think your finacé’s reaction is a bit much. However I still think YTA here.
Your fiancé lives here, she’s allowed to be in her own home whenever she wants. She’s allowed change her mind about outings if she wants to.
I understand you might be low-key a bit miffed in the moment when you thought you had the house to yourself and it turns out you don’t. But you keep that shit inside. Again, your fiancé is allowed to be in her own home whenever she wants.
And she’s correct that if you want time to yourself you are the one that needs to go out. Yes, that’s different from being alone in your own home, I get that. But you chose to share your home with another person, and this comes with the territory.
NTA – lots of people need alone time at home now and then including my husband and myself. I’ve been married 18 years and one thing I’ve learned is that creating drama out of insecurity is not cute, it’s toxic. She should understand that you communicated something that you would like and it’s not a big deal. A good wife or husband knows when to back off and let their spouse have a little space and be happy for them.
YTA. You need to live alone. Being “frustrated” that your fiancé is occupying space in her own home is unreasonable. People who like each other don’t act like this. Both my husband and son are introverts. They can go in another room or go out of the house when they want to be solo. They don’t get “frustrated” that I’m sitting eating crackers in my own house.
YTA. Not for wanting to be alone, which is totally acceptable but for not voicing your expectations and making her feel like she was disturbing you in her home (it’s not only yours!).
And if she keeps canceling her plans then you do your own planning and go spend the day somewhere else!
I don’t understand ppl saying NTA. Y’all would be okay with someone being annoyed that you decided to stay home in your own house???? I’d hate to be around a person who’s frustrated that I’m in my own home. If you want alone time, why don’t you book a hotel room or something for a day or two, then your alone time is not reliant on her plans.
NTA, and I do really understand your frustration.
I absolutely LOVE when my husband goes away for the weekend with the guys… I get to relax in a much more awesome way.
Some people just like being home alone!
I am someone who needs their alone time in a completely empty house. So I understand where OP is coming from. But you handled the whole thing poorly. You were rather crude with your approach. You should have been open about your feelings and took the initiative to explain your POV without her asking. Please work better on your communication skills. As much as I love my alone time, I would be upset, too, if my partner tells me they are frustrated by my presence even if they didn’t mean any ill intent.
When my husband is home he’s 100% home and doesn’t even like going to the store without me. He works in a remote location and has ~3 weeks off at a time so it’s a LOT of together time.
Until I got married, I lived alone. I traveled for work alone, sailed around alone, vacationed alone. I am 100% happy and content to be alone and it has ZERO to do with how much I love him.
There’s a way to be “alone together.” I’ll tell him I need a break (not from him but from everything that makes noise/light/smells whatever) and then he’ll find things to do and give me space. Usually, after an hour or two, I miss him and go find him.
I’ve had to do the same when he first comes home from work. I have tons of things to tell him and have been waiting to share but now know when he first gets home, he needs to decompress.
It’s not about me at all. He needs a break.
So I give him space and usually in an hour or so he’s looking for me.
I understand her feelings being hurt because if you’re not a “happy alone” then it seems impossible to understand how this isn’t personal.
Maybe try to talk to her again and see if you can compromise?
NAH
These relationships never work. If you need time alone to potter and recharge and your partner is a stage 5 clinger then it’s over.
I love my husband and child but I love when they go away for the weekend to visit family. He is exactly the same. This is why our relationship works: we understand when the other needs alone time.
I knew it was time for me to get divorced when I would cry if my (now ex-) husband unexpectedly didn’t have to work on the weekend.
I think you’re sort of being an asshole. I know I was.
YTA. Because in nearly 5 years you have never used your words and talked about this. God lord man you are in your 30’s use your words.
I love my alone time, my husband does also. We communicate with each other when we need it.
Curb Your Enthusiasm taught me that you should never ever act excited when the wife mentions going out of town.
Your approach kinda sucked.. your the ass..
Yep YTA.
When you life with someone else, you have to accept the fact that it’s their home as well. As such, you don’t have the inherent right to have the place to yourself and you need to accept the fact that you may never have it to yourself again.
It’s fine to have been looking forward to it and to be bummed. It is not fine to make her feel guilty about it.
This is something you should have kept to yourself because it’s your problem, not hers. It’s her home too. As such, if she decides not to go out, she’s well within her right to stay at her damn home.
Want time alone? Rent a hotel room.
This is fucking insane. As someone who needs the exact same I would never fucking think to kick out my SO from their home. YTFA
I mean, there is literally nothing stopping you from going to a hotel for a few days. You can still be alone at another location. YTA
YTA …. If you want to be alone YOU can leave but she lives there also, you should not be making her feel unwelcome/unwanted in her own home. She can bail on plans with her friends last minute if she feels like it, when you share a home with someone you have no rights to the whole place alone if the other person wants to be home too. If you wanted that why do you live together?
YTA
I dont get all the people saying it is perfectly acceptable to throw your partner out of their home for some time to chill. I don’t remember my parents ever doing that nor can I think of anyone else trying it. Of course if you’d really like that maybe arrange for her to be away. As in make it special for her as well. Don’t make it sound like her presence annoys you.