Are you struggling to mend the relationship with your teenage daughter who is upset about your pregnancy?
#parenting #familyissues #teenager #pregnancy #communication
Looking for advice on how to make things right? Here are some tips to help you navigate this challenging situation:
Communicate openly and actively listen
– Be honest about your feelings and fears
– Give her space to express her emotions without judgment
Seek understanding and empathy
– Put yourself in her shoes and try to see things from her perspective
– Validate her feelings and show empathy towards her concerns
Involve her in the process
– Share important milestones and decisions with her
– Ask for her input and involve her in planning for the future
Offer support and reassurance
– Let her know that you value her relationship and support
– Reassure her that your love for her remains unchanged
By approaching the situation with empathy, understanding, and open communication, you can build a stronger connection with your daughter and navigate this challenging time together. Remember, it’s normal for conflicts to arise during major life changes, but with patience and understanding, you can work through them as a family.
She wanted a sibling for years and you never did anything about it but as soon as she’s almost done with school and about to leave you replace her with a new baby. One who will have their father the whole time and not after he realized he was a pos that needed to step up. There’s her mentality for ya.
Why does she think you’re selfish? Why does she think you’re disgusting? Why does she think you’re lying?
At her age, the transition from school to life is a big one. She was probably counting on your support which is now not going to be available with your focus on a newborn. So I can understand the selfish argument even if it’s unfair. But disgusting and lying suggests she’s aware of something more nefarious?
I think people who raise a kid to adulthood just to have another kid are idiots.
I also think you need to realize your kids won’t be “siblings.” There will be 18-19 years between the two of them. They’re at two separate stages of life. The only thing they may do together is plan your funeral.
I feel bad for your daughter.
Her feelings are really easy to understand.
You’re replacing her now she’s almost an adult. And the support that she needs when entering adult life is going to go to her sibling. For her this feels like she’s on the treshold of flying out on her own and the door is pushing her in her back. She probably felt alone during her youth as only kid and now she’ll be on her own out there and you back home will have a nice new family….
It was always her and her mom against the world. Now you’re replacing her. That’s why she calls you selfish.
How difficult is this to see?
Edit: i don’t know about other commenters relations with their adult kids but my adult daughters still ask (and deserve) a lot of attention, support, coaching, venting et cetera. “Little kids, little worries, big kids, big worries”.
I got a sibling when I was 9 years old…and even though the age gap was 9 and not a whopping 19 years…it still felt weird. I can only imagine that at 19 years old – she’s spent a long time with the dynamics of family life involving just you 3. She got through childhood and adolescence as an only child. She got through many milestones as an only child…and most people would assume they’ll be an only child for life when they get to their late teens.
And, contrary to popular belief, you do get to a point in life where you like being an only child. Past the age of 5, I no longer asked for or wanted a sibling.
I think cursing you out is *not* okay regardless…but I can understand how she feels. It’s a big and unexpected change. Unfortunately, they won’t have a sibling dynamic – the gap is too large. She could be his mother…so I don’t think I’d be emphasising any perceived benefits of having a sibling because it won’t be that. But love *can* grow. I wish you a healthy pregnancy.
This post has missing reasons all over it.
Teenagers dont snap just because. If she went to the nuclear option already, there is something you did or didnt do towards her.
Did you tell her that you don’t want another kid at some point? Were you vocal about it?
Was you and your partner present good parents for her?
Did she express any grievances during her childhood about yours our your partner parenting?
Did you pressure her or control her social life?
Did you force her to engage in activities she didn’t want?
Was she counting with financial support for college?
You don’t need to answer me. Just think about it and ask Yourself if your daughter didn’t voice anything during this year that you forgot or deemed irrelevant. The answer might be there.
Edit: reread the post and found part of the reason. You were strict, controlling and in ways, controlled her sexual development. Yikes, I got it why she is so mad.
I was 16 when my mom had my brother. I needed her but the focus was on him. She couldnt do or be where I needed all the time.
I had to help out with him as well. We aren’t close.
But not having my mom around as much as she could have been hurt.
My parents pulled this shit when I was 16. They already had my sister and I, and they were physically abusive. I was also extremely upset when she told me. Turns out she wasn’t pregnant after all (?)
I just thought they did a terrible job as parents and was freaking out for the innocent little baby that would get thrown into this mess. Not to mention that I barely got positive attention from them, and now I’d get to watch them dote on someone else until they were old enough to have opinions.
I’d recommend family therapy for you all to process in a safe space this huge change in your family dynamic. She may feel she’s being replaced, that she was a mistake when you were 18 etc etc. He’s she’s technically an adult but she’s also at a very vulnerable stage of transitioning right now from childhood to adulthood into the Big Wide World.
It would be a huge shock for anyone.
If you don’t seek therapy as a unit together you may not be able to surpass this issue in your family dynamic for many years.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you all the best.
I don’t understand why some people are being so harsh on you OP for having another child. Yes there is a large age gap, maybe it will be strange for her but the world does not revolve around her and she needs to learn that. This is still very fresh and she will calm down enough to talk eventually. The drinking to the point that she can’t walk needs to stop. You and her dad need to sit her down together and get her to explain her feelings.
I think she is definitely feeling like she is being replaced and had no reason to be so rude to you. I think family therapy is needed. Unfortunately if she is about to move to college you may not get the chance to mend your relationship at this time.
Well, if she is wise, the daughter will leave as soon as she can and let parents start their new little family and not look back. The daughter was the practice child. The new child will get everything handed to them.
>although I was always somewhat strict with her as she got older, as I didn’t want her to end up how I did, I want better for her. Thankfully she doesn’t seem interested in boys yet so that’s one less thing to worry about
This is slightly concerning. Also it would be EXTREMELY unusual for an 18 year old to not be interested in romantic relationships “yet” so either she’s having to hide a huge part if herself from you or she’s ace or something like that.
I can’t but notice the hypocrisy here–you’re super strict with her to prevent her from getting pregnant too early yet you’ve now accidentally fallen pregnant twice. That may be where part of her excessive anger is coming from in addition to all the usual weirdness of really big age gap siblings. It may also be part of why she’s mad at you and not your husband, assuming you’ve been running point on the “no boys, no sex” campaign.
Edit just to be clear I’m not judging you because I know full well that these things happen. Im just saying that your attitude about it potentially happening to her may be coloring her reaction to it happening to you.
Getting a child when your first one is expected to be adult and leaving the nest is kinda “Replacement move” in her eyes.
Also the disgusting comments, did you ever have the talk about sex? Seems like it is a taboo in your home if she’s this trigered. It was at my home and I did the same….. but that time I heard every moan from my mother. Ew.
Maybe she’s jealous that the kid will have all of your attention and she will have none while trying to adult. And will be expected to help.
There are infos missing. Something had to happen or not to trigger her like this.
Edit: typos
Like she feels she’s being replaced. The second she’s an adult your off making a new baby to till her space when you’ve had 18 years to have another child.
Maybe some jealously that the new baby will get more as well as now you’re older maybe your in a better financial position too. Also worried that she will be forgotten about out the house and gone.
Maybe she wanted a sibling when younger and now she’s getting one they won’t feel like siblings a newborn to an 18 year old age gap is bloody huge.
I also think there is maybe issues in your relationship in general for it to be such a huge explosion.
You can’t expect that she will come around though, she might, be equally she might decide to leave cut you all off and go no contact, she might leave and stay in contact but ignore the baby/child like it doesn’t exist. These are all things that could happen.
She’s staying out late, she’s drinking… maybe you’ll be a grandmother not long after you have baby #2…
If she’s cussing at you there are more problems than your pregnancy
she understandably feels some sense of betrayal by you since this is happening at such a pivotal time in her life. Couple that with teenager emotions and yea it makes sense. I’d give her time to process and suggest therapy for all of you cuz this can just make her more distant from you and her new sibling. Or she can have a change of heart when they’re born and they get along well who knows. But at her age I would’ve been pissed too tbh
I feel like you didn’t share important stuff to make yourself look better or even the victim in the situation.
Just get a new daughter….oh wait
Her frustration and the selfish part is understandable. She was expecting support at the first steps of her adult life that she now won’t be having. At least not 100%. It’s not that hard to understand the source.
The disgust part is a bit weird. You say that a recently adult woman isn’t interested in boys and that’s a good thing. How is that a good thing? Your daughter IS supposed to be interested in “boys” at this age. And a parent’s task is to ensure she knows how to do it in a responsible and safe way. Not discourage it all together. Pretty sure the disgust part stems from whatever attitude you have imprinted on her towards sexual relationships.
Not everything has a magical fix. Generally, when people think with their genitals, they have to face the consequences of it. No matter how the situation plays out, your daughter will never have a sibling relationship with the kid. The age gap is too big for that. At best you can hope for something like an aunt. A close aunt at best, a distant and uninvolved aunt at worst. And if she keeps her rebellious drunk night outs, you might want to get ready to welcome a grandchild alongside the child. It’s common for sexually repressed teens. At least these two can be like siblings…
I mean not sure how you didn’t think this would blow up in your face unless you lack critical thinking skills.
You had her young so she probably had a rough life.
You were strict with her
You made her think sex and boys lead to pregnancy. So now she has no healthy relationship with either.
You decided to have a kid as soon as she was about to graduate and move out. Like a replacement baby.
And that’s just from reading between the lines. Lord knows what else you haven’t said here. You fucked up and gave your daughter messed up views of the world. Then thought she would be happy? You cannot seriously be that thick
I was in my early 20’s when my mom got pregnant last. I didn’t think much of it at the time given we weren’t awfully close but now I’ve grown to resent her a bit for it because she always said she was done having children, gave my younger siblings a better childhood, it took away from me, and I even had to help support them financially eventually. I feel for your daughter. It’s very hard to go from being an only child to not, especially with such a large age gap.
This exact same thing happened to me. My half sister and I have a 19.5 year age gap, which almost the exact same age gap that I have with my parents. I felt like as soon as I had hit adulthood, I was being replaced. I didn’t blame the kid, it wasn’t her fault, but I did not have a good relationship with my dad and stepmom at the time and the baby made it so much worse. I also felt embarrassed that my parents were now so old and having a baby (I understand that it’s not THAT old, but it was still awkward). I also resented being an only child; when I was a little kid I didn’t want any siblings, but as I grew older, I felt like I missed out on that opportunity. All of my peers had awesome relationships with their siblings and I had nothing. ALL of my parents problems were projected onto me alone. And now that I was finally out of the house, that’s when they decide to have another kid?! While this may be happy news and perfect timing for you, it’s the complete opposite for your daughter.
My advice is to give her time and space. I was not involved in my stepmom’s pregnancy at all. I had gone low contact with them shortly before the pregnancy, and the baby sealed the deal. I didn’t see her pregnant once, and I didn’t meet the baby until she was 9 months old. My dad had to work to build our relationship and trust again. He owed me a lot of apologies, and I wasn’t ready to accept them for a long time. Now we’re good. I’m more like a distant aunt than a sister to my younger sibling, but that’s okay. Honestly I just feel bad for the situation she’s in and wish there was more I could do to help. Your daughter will probably come around, but let her do it on her own time. Also, don’t pressure her about ANYTHING. The only thing she needs is support! I struggled in college and went running to an abusive boyfriend when all of this happened because I felt so isolated. She needs positive vibes only in order to prevent that. Be gentle and patient with her.
I’m actually kind of blown away by the responses here. Yes, I’m sure there’s a dynamic here that we’re not aware of, but in what world is that an appropriate response? I think she needs a bit of a reality check. She’s a grown up.
She’s jealous that this baby is going to have more love. You’re more prepared and her father is actually going to stick around. It’s unresolved trauma from her dad’s abandonment, and whatever hardships she went through in her early childhood.
I’d be annoyed to have a sibling young enough to be my child, with the emotionally mature version of my parents who had their affairs in order this time round. Especially after my Mum spent the last few years being overly strict so I “don’t end up pregnant” just to get pregnant herself.
Obviously as parents you need to put a stop to the weekday drinking, but I doubt she’s going to be close to this kid so adjust your expectations.
…something is wrong here. It’s giving missing missing reasons. Did you teach her sex was bad or something? Her reaction seems …. intense. You were strict how?
My ex has four other siblings. He is one of 5 and the eldest. The fourth was born when he was like 15 and the fifth h when he was 17/8. Not once has he forgiven his parents for these two being born. Still hates their very existence. Hates having them around. Because of the huge age gap between the elder three and the younger two. He lost any chance of support when they were born. He feels he’s lost everything. I’d be careful if I was you. After your questionable parenting. You may have one less child. No matter how dramatic you think she’s being. She may NEVER get over the replacement as she goes to school and then the neglect for the fact the baby needs your attention More.
She’s been an only child until now and the most important child until now and now she’s been relegated to second place for the rest of her life.
Her life, as she has known it, is well and truly over.
So your daughter got the life of parents who couldn’t pull it together struggled and the new kid will get the calm upbringing
You’ll cancel plans with your oldest because the newbie will take up all your attention the dad who couldn’t get it together will be their for this one from the get go. Don’t ask her to do any with the baby it’s got to be her choice if she’s involved or what relationship she’ll have with a child nearly 20years younger then her There is loads of information out there about children with huge age gaps feeling replaced and unwanted and unloved
Seriously step back and see how this actually effects your daughter not just oh she should be happy it’s a new life it’s a sibling, Look at what it actually means to her
I have a 23 year difference with my little sister.
When my mother gave birth, she immediately cast me in the “big sister” role, despite the fact that I was *also* expecting my own son.
That unexpected role came with so many expectations on her end. She fully expected me to be actively present in my sister’s life, despite the fact that I had a child of my own to care for, and guilted me for her daughter feeling “isolated” from me. It went on and on until I limited contact to the max.
They were obviously never going to be grandparents to my son – they were “too busy” being parents to their daughter. I didn’t expect any help from them, but boy did they want it from me. Your daughter likely feels the same pressure, and I guarantee you sound just like my mother from this post alone.
Her reaction seems like jealousy? I had a friend who’s parents had her young and they got pregnant with her little brother when we were 18, she was thrilled! Her brother is 20 now and they are extremely close.
Well her dad didnt want to be around when she was a baby and now hes gonna be involved with a baby- she didnt get that. Shes jealous obv.
Suddenly a baby comes along after being an only child for 18 years…. Thats rough.
Would love it if OP would please take time to completely answer a bunch of these questions about exactly how her daughter was raised. There’s a lot more going on here than we’ve been told. OP will you please read a bunch of the comments and reply to them all at once for us? Thanks in advance.
Is there a possibility she herself could be pregnant too? Just throwing a crazy plot twist out there. It would explain the unreasonable overreaction.
Yeah man if i was 18 and heard my mother was pregnant i wouldn’t be happy happy joy joy either
“Missing reasons” is flashing like a huge neon sign
This is a very strange reaction from a girl of 18. This isn’t some random one night stand. It’s her two parents. What are you not telling us?
Did she have an abortion so she could conform to your standards? Or was she planning on a decent inheritance that now she has to split? Or, when you told her, did you mention expectations of free babysitting/nanny service from her? Or gleefully announce that her room will make the perfect nursery & and she can sleep on the couch when she’s on break from university? I mean, she totally went off the deep end and yet she’s practically one foot out the door at her age, so she won’t really even have to be there for the day-to-day realities of an infant in the home. Figure out what you left out of the story & you’ll know how to proceed. As far as making her feel better, find a balance of giving her space, but also reaching out. She’s the one who needs to come around & use her words. But right now she’s throwing up a wall & having quite the nice tantrum. You can’t reason with her until she’s calmer. Show empathy, compassion, understanding, tolerance, and civil behavior. And keep reaching out. You don’t fix this for her. You wait for her to mature. Or feel comfortable enough with you to have an actual conversation and go from there.
She needs therapy or some kind of professional guidance. This isn’t a normal or healthy reaction especially from a young adult. It might be because of how you’ve taught her when it comes to sex etc.
Her dad didnt give two shits about raising her and being a good father to her until she was 2… and now hes having a replacement baby who he will be there for all the things he didnt care enough to do for your DD.
What made you decide having another child would be too disruptive for her when she was 10? Why wasn’t it meant to be? What happened? It sounds like something happened that showed you she could not handle a sibling at that age.
Does she have some kind of mood or personality disorder? Did she experience trauma? Has your parenting been over the top strict?
Her reaction makes absolutely no sense from the info provided, so I’m not sure we can help you without more details. What are you leaving out?
Whatever the problem is, I can promise you that it is categorically your fault. Kids don’t teach themselves these things…
I was 21 when I found out my mom was expecting. I was so shocked that I had to go and lay down. It’s just something you never expect. However the shock quickly wore off and I became a second mom to my little brother. He’s 1 of my best friends 🥰🥰🥰