I am truly sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are facing. Dealing with a cancer diagnosis and the subsequent impact it has on one’s life and relationships can be incredibly challenging. Losing the person you love while they are still alive can be an extremely painful and confusing experience. It is important to remember that this is a complex situation with no easy answers, and the best course of action will vary depending on your individual circumstances and the dynamics of your relationship.
First and foremost, it is crucial to respect your wife’s wishes and decisions regarding her own life and how she wants to spend her remaining days. It is clear from your post that your wife believes moving back to her hometown and being surrounded by her support system will provide her with the comfort and care she needs during this difficult time. While it may be challenging for you to accept, it is important to honor her choice and understand that she is seeking what she believes is best for herself.
It is also important to consider the reasons behind her desire for separation. Your wife expressed concern about your future, mentioning the possibility of you waking up one day without a family and a deceased wife. She may be thinking about your long-term well-being and wants you to have the opportunity to find happiness and build a family with someone else. It is understandable that this may be difficult for you to process, but try to empathize with her perspective and understand that she might have her reasons for making this decision.
In terms of saving your marriage, it is important to recognize that you cannot force someone to stay in or continue a relationship if they have made up their mind. It may be painful and heartbreaking, but accepting your wife’s decision may be the most loving and respectful action you can take in this situation. It is crucial to prioritize her wishes and well-being above your own desires.
While it is understandable that you want to be with your wife during her final days, it is important to respect her boundaries and decisions. However, you can still be supportive and present in her life, even if you are not physically with her. Explore alternative ways to show your love and support, such as regular phone calls, video chats, sending care packages, or arranging visits when possible. Ensure that she knows you are there for her and ready to offer any assistance or support she may need.
Additionally, during this challenging time, consider seeking support for yourself. Going through such an emotional and heartbreaking experience can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. Reach out to friends, family, or even professional counselors who can provide guidance and a listening ear. Joining support groups for partners or caregivers of cancer patients may also offer a valuable network of people who are going through or have experienced similar situations.
In conclusion, addressing the end of a marriage during such a difficult time can be extremely painful. It is important to prioritize your wife’s wishes, respect her decisions, and attempt to understand her perspective. While it may be challenging, focusing on supporting her in the ways she permits and seeking support for yourself can help navigate this heartbreaking situation. Ultimately, trust your love and cherish the moments you have together, however limited they may be.
Imagine how receiving a terminal diagnosis might affect your thinking. In her mind she’s probably making things easier for you, trying to make it so that you don’t have to watch her die. You can take a stab at convincing her you need that (as “closure). You can tell her you’d rather be a widower than just an estranged husband whose spouse died. But if this cancer has spread so vastly that it’s in her brain at this point she may not be thinking rationally either. Very sorry for the situation. It’s just awful.
She is trying to say goodbye, it is her shitty way to do it.
What do you want?
Her way and you not seeing her at the end of the road or a brutal gambling?
Brutal gambling is:
Don’t give a shit about the blablabla no family and a dead wife.
She wants NY? So be NY.
You go with her. You are her husband till death do us apart they said.
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I am sorry for you and her. Fate have no eyes nor heart.
Good luck.
She’s either fallen out of love with you, or she’s doing this to push you away so you aren’t as impacted by her death. In either case, unless she proceeds with divorce, you aren’t obligated to stay. Follow her to a NY. I imagine her true intentions will become apparent once she sees you aren’t going to let her dictate what happens.
Have you reached out to her family for help?
There’s a common phenomenon with people who have terminal diagnoses that involves sparing their loved ones. Some choose to never tell them and hide it as best they can, others push them away so that theyre not impacted every step of the way (it also saves the patient from grieving with their loved one and makes the end of days easier), some share and grieve together, and some just shut themselves off from everyone. Your wife looks to be taking option 2. There’s also the fact the medications and treatments are pretty much like a poison that changes them inside, and they resent that (understandably) and want some form of control on the outside too.
Something that might help is to ask her to see a counsellor together and her drs to discuss it. If she still refuses, there’s nothing to say you can’t still convince her after she’s gone. Her leaving date doesn’t have to be the final line in the sand. If she goes without you, speak to the therapist about how to get through to her and maybe even speak to a support group for their input.
You still have a chance to join her, so keep letting her know that you want to be there, even after she’s left, and work to find out how to make that happen.
Sorry you are going through this. You obviously love your wife very much. I’ve had to think about this situation myself. Last year, at 39, I was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve been married / with my partner for 20 years. Before I had my full pathology and prognosis, my mind went everywhere. I felt so guilty for potentially becoming a burden and then leaving him. I can see why she is doing what she is doing. It could be to make it easier on you and on herelf.
Losing a spouse is the most difficult moment to move on to. It’s traumatic. So, she may probably think that you can move on easily if you two just break up. So sorry.
((HUGS)) Is it possible, she wants to stop treatment and just let go?
Has she talked to a therapist?
I can’t give you the answer, your wife has made up her mind, I don’t think you can change that.
I was diagnosed at32 with a very aggressive cancer. There was a lot of crying my husband did a great job taking care of me but I literally was a wreck and wanted to hid away so he wouldn’t hurt more.
My best recommendation is to reach out to counselors (cancer.org and Sloane might have some great resources). And talk to them about your feelings. Then I would approach her asking if you both could relocate to NY, and how you want to support her. I have to say parts of my care was so embarrassing and boundaries I never thought my husband would be crossing. I never wanted him to have to spoon feed me because I couldn’t close my hands or hold me in the shower so I wouldn’t fall. I didn’t want him to see me like that I wanted him to think of me how I was not now.
She is undoubtedly struggling so hard right now and just trying to make the best of a bad situation. Big hugs to you both Its such a gut renching situation.
There are also cancer caregiver subs that you can join to ask for help in talking with your spouse.
It’s your choice to wake up one day with her passed away. She sounds like she doesn’t want to burden you. Death can bring the kind of clarity that holds nothing back.
My guess is that she doesn’t want to spend her last months dealing with your sadness and occasional pressure to try and extend her life or have input in any way on her health decisions. It’s just too much. Maybe you don’t jive well with her family or friends and she doesn’t want to spend any effort managing those relationships or missing out on a more relaxed relationship that can happen if you’re not there. I’m so sorry, but this has to be her choice.
I’ve gone thru that. Stay with her all the way. Loved ones don’t want your last memories of them to be that of sickness, loss of hair and weight. The emotional toll on both is unbelievable. In our case I refused to give up and not be there for him. We both took our wedding vows seriously. Tell her you’re with her through sickness and health. Our experience was tough but I can honestly say it was one of the most beautiful times in our relationship. We spent a year sitting side by side reliving our years together, laughing at each other and with each other, having dear friends come over and relive good times. I would love to say it wasn’t a painful time but when the house was quiet, reality would sink in and I prayed the sun would hurry and rise. If he had had his way, we would have missed the best and worst of times. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I can’t help brother, I just wanted to send you the biggest man hug I can muster over the internet airwaves.
Stay strong, at the very least for yourself.
First off-I am so very sorry both of you are dealing with this.
Second-is it possible that she is looking at this as more of a “medical divorce”? Meaning that if you two get divorced, you are no longer liable for any of her medical debt, which I am sure is significant.
lastly-are you close with her family? Could you reach out to them and talk to them?
Oh this is so hard. I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer in April, I’m 33. I have a 19 month old daughter with my husband. I have felt so much guilt for my husband so many times. He’s too young to have a sick wife. He’s too young to potentially have a dead wife and be a single dad. He’s had to take care of me in ways that most men don’t need to do until they’re old, maybe never. It makes me feel terrible that my body is defective and made us go through this. I want him to move on and meet a nice person someday if I don’t make it. Luckily my treatment has gone well so far, but it could always come back. So I get where your wife is coming from. I hope she changes her mind and allows you to come along so that you guys can spend her last year together. I don’t have any advice but I’m really sorry you guys are going through this. It’s very unfair
I think this is how she is dealing with (or not dealing with?) her grief. Trying to protect both of you from a long, agonizing goodbye. Embarrassed about the things that happen to the body as you die from cancer. Wanting you to remember her differently? Stuff like that. Do you all have hospice care? Grief counselors? You can’t make her do anything but…? I might go to be near her and just keep trying. But talk to a counselor this is a big deal. I’m so sorry for you and your family.
This is tuff. It’s possible she is trying to push you away so you aren’t as impacted by her death. If I was in this situation I would try my best to stick by her side. Even if it meant staying in a hotel next to her. But if she ultimately wants to be alone, you have to respect it
This post made me tear up. She’s going through a lot and facing death. I think she wants to spare you . Sending you both millions of hugs
Well shit if she’s going to divorce you, at least make her take on all current debt. This way you can get a fresh start. It sounds super horrible but many people do this in these situations. Lawyers will advise it. Just a thought
Cancer is awful. I’m sorry you and your wife are going through this. So heartbreaking. Continue to be there for her. Tell her you love her and will be by her side always.
OP, uh, I am trying to say this in the nicest way possible but she sounds like she is going to stop treatment and wants to spend the days doing what she wants. I am sure that you are great and a support but sometimes those who are dying feel that they need take of their spouse rather than be able to just feel shitty or cry when they need too. It’s not even something you would have done. Just something she feels.
Is she on Hospice? This is not an uncommon feeling when you find out that you are going to die. Hospice would have mental health support to walk her through this stuff.
Also, I know I will personally move to a Right to Die state if something similar was happening to me. How close is her family to Vermont? Maybe she doesn’t think you’d let her choose to die with dignity and on her own terms?
I cannot stress how much help Hospice care would be. If she doesn’t want to, you can talk to your own hospice therapist that deals with death and dying.
I don’t think I’ve ever read a sadder post. I’m so sorry. She wants to free you from her now because she wants to go back to where she came from in a place where she can reconnect with old friends. You’ve got to let her. I’ve got a lump in my throat right now. Get into grief counseling.
This is her way of letting go. She needs this, she is terminal. This is her way of leaving in peace. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is time for you to say your good byes to her and tell her what she means to you and what she meant to you. Tell her everything you can think of. It is time for you to seek grieving counseling.
Maybe she wants you around, perhaps she doesn’t. She spent 10 years with you, is it so much to ask if she spends her last the way she wants? You seem more interested in ‘saving the marriage’ than her wishes. If she wants to see you again, she will just message you. Trying to tail her is going to make her resent you more.
With tears in my eyes, after reading all of your posts and support. I think I’m going to respect her wishes. This hurts my whole chest. Just pure heartbreak but I don’t want to stress her out anymore. I will tell her I’ll fly up the second she needs me, any time, any day, any night. Thank you everyone.
Tell her you will respect her wishes but you are not under any circumstances sending her off on a plane by her self and that at the bare minimum you are going with her so that you can be at peace and make sure she is settled. Move her flight up and go with her October 27 is to far away, you are not spending quality time together right now as she is too worried about you. Shev wants to be at peace and to know that you will be OK, put on a brave face and tell her you are fine and where you will life.
If I had a partner and had a terminal illness, I would consider leaving him too. Probably not to go hang out with friends, but to go die alone somewhere quiet and peaceful. Watching other people watch you suffer is emotionally exhausting, and she’s probably at that point.
Her staying with you would be solely to comfort you at this point.
If I were her… She’s probably trying to avoid you watching her die, leaving you with a completely different image of her in your head than what she would prefer. Saying how she wants you to move on quickly, and so coldly. If I were her.. I imagine she would be destroyed imagining you moving on after she passes, but at the same time doesn’t want to make you feel like you can’t. She maybe doesn’t want to feel she has trapped you, to be without romantic love for the rest of your life. *But maybe still desperately wants you to continue only wanting her.* (If you were in a monogamous marriage) So perhaps *maybe* she knows she has to say these things, but to be around you, to have to constantly acknowledge this is going to happen, may just be too much, way too much.
By getting away from you now, she can preserve her current image for you, *not of her being helpless and sick, but being healthy and fully herself.* While also avoiding the constant acknowledgement that you will move on with someone else someday, and focusing elsewhere – on friendships and family.
I’ve thought about being in this position way too much in my life hahah. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen it close up, I don’t know. But if I were her, and this was a deeply committed monogamous relationship – then I may more than likely be thinking this way.
But I’m not her, so I don’t know shit. The best of luck, and I’m so sorry.
Thoughts and prayers.. this time is about her, not you. She is leaving, your at the death do us part … You will have time to mourn. If she wants skydive, throw from plane , if she wants cocaine, go to ?, if she wants chippendales , tske her. If she wants to stay with friends tske her . You’re asking to be part of something ( the end) , which she doesn’t want you to be part of . She likely doesn’t want to burden you with the home stretch . That is an act of love . You should respect her wishes and show her an act of love by letting her go. Then time to mourn. You had a great decade with a wonderful lady , dont ruin it in the last days by being hurt and stressing her out. Good luck, god bless
I lost my first wife to Hodgkin’s lymphoma almost twenty years ago, she was twenty four. She had similar thoughts to your wife but her circumstances made any desire to withdraw an impossibility.
Your wife is trying to spare you the soul crushing, mind breaking horror of watching what is essentially torturous agonizing misery. To leave you with the memories that don’t include the morbid reality of bearing witness to someone you love physically and mentally disintegrating. It’s hell. One that will never leave your mind.
My wife was diagnosed stage four, told she had a week to live. They told me that almost everyday for two years. Chemo, radiation, IMRT, spinal taps, intubations, so many prescriptions, so little hope, helpless to stop it and tearing myself apart to remain positive and encouraging, or at least outwardly stoic. I watched her die in our home under hospice care. It destroyed me.
And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Almost everyone disappeared from our lives seemingly overnight. You’d have had to fucking kill me to stop me from being with her.
I don’t know how I would have handled it had my wife made the decision yours is. I’m so very sorry you are facing this. She loves you and she is trying to do what she feels is best for you. I can’t even say she is right or wrong.
This is going to be indescribably difficult for you no matter what. Be there every chance you can, take every moment you can get, and do everything in your power not to let the hurt you feel become anger and conflict. It’s almost impossible not to at times, but it will eat away at you down the road, wishing you could replace those flawed human moments with something better.
You and yours have all my love and all my best wishes brother. If you need someone to talk with or to just listen to you, even if you just need to scream and vent pain or rage, don’t hesitate to message me if you feel it could help you in even the smallest way.
Hi OP, you got some great perspectives on why someone might shut down from loved ones in this situation. I wanted to add one more thing to consider. I knew of someone once who took the death with dignity option but felt a lot of shame and kept it secret from most people. If I’m reading this right, sounds like you are in Pennsylvania and she wants to return to New York. A google search tells me end of life option/death with dignity is available in NY and not yet in Pennsylvania. Is there any chance she wants to pursue the end of life option? Do you two have any religious or spiritual beliefs that might make this difficult for her to admit? It might be worth exploring with her to see if this is a factor.
Wow you guys have really put this into perspective for me. I can’t be selfish in this situation. She’s already going through so much. Thanks again everyone.
Oh my words OP, I am so sorry for you and your wife.
She loves you that MUCH to spare you of the pain and suffering of watching her wither away.
I am saying this because I see and take care of patients, who are sometimes on that stage.
Please follow her wishes. She knows how much you love her…
Stay strong.
I know how she feels as I was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 33. She’s very worried about you & she wants you to be okay. She’s trying to save you the grief from when she dies. I think it’s so admirable that you want to be with her still. So many spouses have a hard time coping with this stuff. I dont really have any advice. I can see both of your sides. Would she be willing to try counseling? I know, from her perspective, there’s a lot to unpack. It took me a long time to get to a place of acceptance. My life expectancy is 12 years & I’m at 14. I feel so much different now from when I was diagnosed. I wish you all the best in this very difficult situation.
Take a leave of absence from work, if you can, and cut back on the gym for now. She needs you and she probably has less than 6 months left.