One day, my wife and I found ourselves discussing a topic that had been making headlines recently – people who left their spouses after receiving a cancer diagnosis. It was a conversation that started out as a casual observation about society and its attitudes towards commitment in challenging times. Little did I know that this seemingly innocent conversation would take a turn that would leave me feeling shocked, devastated, and questioning the very foundation of our relationship.
We had been married for 12 years, and during that time, we had weathered our fair share of storms. We had built a life together based on love, trust, and unwavering support. In sickness and in health, those were the words we had vowed to live by on our wedding day. But as the conversation unfolded, it became clear that my wife held a different perspective on these vows.
It was her remark about not being obligated to stay with someone just because they get cancer that caught me off guard. I couldn’t help but feel a lump in my throat as I asked her directly if she would leave me if I were to face such a devastating diagnosis. The room fell silent as I waited for her response, and after a moment of hesitation, she finally admitted that she couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t leave me if I got cancer.
Those words pierced through my heart like a dagger, and I found myself struggling to process the weight of it all. How could the person I had shared my life with for over a decade, the person I had trusted to stand by me in good times and bad, possibly abandon me in my greatest hour of need? It was a moment of profound disbelief and confusion.
Now, trying to process this revelation, I realize that communication is crucial in navigating this sensitive topic. It is essential to approach the conversation with an open mind and a willingness to understand each other’s fears and concerns. This is not a time for judgement but rather a time for empathy and compassion.
Before diving into the conversation, it is important to take a step back and reflect on what may have prompted my wife’s response. People’s perceptions and beliefs are shaped by their own experiences, fears, and insecurities. It is possible that my wife had witnessed or heard stories of relationships crumbling under the immense strain of a cancer diagnosis. While her response deeply hurt me, I understand that it may have stemmed from a place of self-preservation or even a fear of being unable to meet the demands that such a situation would present.
Approaching the conversation from a place of love and understanding, I would express my feelings of hurt, confusion, and vulnerability. Exploring my own fears and concerns, I would communicate my deep-rooted belief that in times of crisis, our commitment to one another is meant to be unwavering. I would share my unwavering love, expressing that no matter the circumstances, leaving her would never be an option.
By opening up and honestly expressing my feelings, I hope to create a safe space for her to do the same. Encouraging an open dialogue will foster understanding and potentially reveal underlying worries or anxieties that may have influenced her initial response. It is important to remember that emotions can be complex, and fear can often cloud our judgment and affect our responses.
As we embark on this difficult conversation, it is vital to remember that neither of us is defined solely by our initial reactions or statements. The strength of our relationship lies in our ability to grow and learn from these moments of vulnerability. It is an opportunity for growth as individuals and as a couple, as we navigate the challenges that life inevitably throws our way.
In the end, it is crucial to remember that we are all human, prone to moments of doubt, fear, and uncertainty. The true test of a relationship lies in our ability to face these challenges head-on, with love, understanding, and compassion. While my wife’s initial revelation was shocking and devastating, I hope that through open and honest communication, we can find a way to strengthen our bond and reaffirm our commitment to one another.
Life’s hardships are unpredictable, and facing them alone only magnifies their impact. Together, we can weather any storm, defy the odds, and emerge stronger on the other side. Love, trust, and unwavering support are the pillars on which our relationship has been built, and it is my hope that we can find solace in those very pillars as we navigate this difficult conversation and whatever lies ahead.
M30: Ya pretty fucked up, does she mean leave you while you have cancer or she find replace you if you passed type of thing?
For starters you probably accept that when everything is fine and dandy you’re good to go, but if things start to become difficult or there’s a rough patch you may not be able to trust her to be of any help or even stick by you.
If that was my wife I would probably lose a lot of that passion for the relationship knowing that I’d be willing to do anything for her if she had cancer but that she’d be willing to just leave me. Can’t say I’d get a divorce over it, but the thought would definitely cross my mind.
Sounds like her love isn’t unconditional. I’m someone who has come out of remission twice and my spouse is next to me so much during my fight that it can get annoying.
Ouch. Your wife sucks. “For sickness and in health” should mean something.
You’ve got to ask yourself if her commitment ends with a cancer diagnosis, or if any other illness or disability qualifies too. It’s not a comforting thought.
You are a better spouse than she is.
Best case scenario: she meant that (theoretically ) if she were planning to leave you for unrelated reasons, she wouldn’t change her mind just because you got sick.
Otherwise? That’s a cold wife you’ve got there.
We will all get old and sick. So it sounds like she will eventually do that.
Even if it’s a temporary injury, you can’t trust or depend on her.
the good times are easy, i want someone who will stick with me when the going gets rough. if my partner told me that i would start lookin’ around.
Here’s a phrase I’m sure you’ll get to use many more times in your remaining days together:
“Wow — I certainly hope you get the opportunity to grow as a person before something like this becomes a real problem…”
At least she admitted it?
But now you know she wasn’t truthful when she made her vows of “in sickness and in health”. What other vows did she lie about?
If she’s sticking to this position, I don’t even know what to tell you. But now you know she’s not in it for life’s curveballs.
My husband gets a lot of credit and fanfare for taking care of me while I had/recover from cancer. It makes him really uncomfortable. He says, that’s what you’re supposed to do.
I think your wife is super selfish, I’m sorry.
I would die for my wife. I wouldn’t ask that of her, though. I do have something. Not cancer. But devastating none the less. No cure. She’s told me WE will take this one day at a time. We’ve been married 18 years.
I’m not sure if this is the only red flag you’ve seen. But in these last 12 years, maybe the relationship has taken a step back for career, kids, and family. Maybe she’s felt a lack of attention and it’s resolved to cold answers.
I made a commitment to date my wife again in the summer of ‘22. It’s been very good for us.
Just curious what your wife said after you told her you’d never leave her if she was diagnosed?
How about we stop trying to make actual relationship assessments on hypothetical situations? But if we’re going to insist on doing that, let’s address this one. Cancer is a huge ordeal sometimes. It changes everything.
I would never expect someone to promise me that a life altering circumstance won’t alter their feelings toward the relationship. “Nope, sorry, you said you wanted to be with me, no take-backs!” just doesn’t sit right with me. A person is not morally wrong for choosing to change the nature of a relationship when the contingencies are so dramatically altered. And I wouldn’t want a partner to stay with me if they didn’t want to. Why would anyone want that?
This is all theoretical. In practice she’d probably get such a fright she wouldn’t even think of leaving.
A friend of mine left her husband after cancer – she got it and he treated her like shit, and she was like “Life’s too short to live with an asshole!” So as soon as she went into remission and could get back to work, she left.
that question was a Pandoras box.
I find it a bit weird that one conversation about a hypothetical scenario is enough to make you question a 12 year marriage.
There are rarely any real guarantees in life. People break their marriage vows every day just like people get sick every day. Many of us have found ourselves at one time or another in a situation where we do something we never would have imagined that we’d do before—in both good and bad ways! In 12 years I’m sure you and your wife have each had occasions to support each other through tough situations. If your wife has been supportive and loving and committed to you during all those times, I’m not sure it’s such a red flag that she didn’t promise she wouldn’t ever leave you someday in the future. Life is long and nothing is completely predictable and knowable. Is it really so weird to not make promises you aren’t 100% sure you will be able to keep because the hypothetical future context and details are unknowable?
If through your 12 years of marriage your wife has shown you that she’s not reliable in a tough situation, then that’s what you should worry about, not her response to a purely speculative hypothetical.
I think this is a semantics issue. “You’re not obligated to stay with someone just because they have cancer” doesn’t necessarily mean it’s okay to leave someone *because* they have cancer.
I know a woman who’s husband got diagnosed with cancer right before she was planning on leaving him. She tried to stick it out for his entire treatment but turns out assholes are even more unbearable when they are sick.
If my husband cheated on me and then got cancer, I would still divorce him.
If my husband got cancer and became abusive I would divorce him.
He had cancer 20 years ago and I didn’t leave him, because he wasn’t an AH.
Respectfully, I think people should just avoid discussing these hypotheticals. People always think they know exactly how they’d react, or what they’d do, in a radical situation, but they don’t really know. A partner or spouse turning up with cancer is definitely a stressful and irregular state of affairs. What types of cancer? What stage? Is it treatable? What and how invasive are the treatments? Can I be treated locally or must I go to another hospital in a different city? Inpatient or out-? If I’m in the USA, can I afford the treatments or should I look at other options? What about after? Prognosis? Am I now missing body parts or sacrificing any functions thereof? Will I be able to care for myself afterwards? The answer to each of these questions will slowly shape a picture of how my new life will look, and only then will my spouse have an idea of what she is up against. Nobody can truly conceive what exactly will be asked of them until such time as it becomes reality. As they say, hell is in the details.Trying to predict what we’ll do at that time, without knowing the precise situation is a dangerous and pointless game. Imagine how many relationships have been ruined by this kind of thinking. Would you have sex with my sibling/friend/parent, if you never met me? Will you get with someone else after I die? All these very loaded questions and their varying answers are designed to provoke strong emotions, and that they will surely do, even though the imagined scenario probably won’t come true. IMHO, it’s very foolish to base a decision on whether or not to shitcan a relationship, or if you can trust someone, or if they truly love you unconditionally, on how someone answers a nothing question like this.
This is exactly the situation that ended one of my previous relationships. Doctors found a lump, scheduled a biopsy, I’m freaking out and the boyfriend says he’d probably leave me if I had cancer. It was the slap in the face I needed to think back on all of his selfish behaviors and go “I don’t have to put up with this shit.”
The only cancer I ended up having, I broke up with over the phone. Today’s my 2 year anniversary with a guy who would literally lop off his own limbs before leaving me when I’m sick.
I’d avoid getting too worked up over hypotheticals. We say things that occur to us, devoid of context. We think things through out loud without really grasping what the issues would be in real life.
Also: it’s possible she was looking at the issue differently than you were. It’s different to understand the question as, “Does a cancer diagnosis automatically invalidate any claims you have to leave?” rather than “Does cancer make you want to leave?” And there’s lots of nuance in there. Your OP doesn’t really sort out how the question was really situated.
That said, I’d stay cheerful about your marriage and make sure that she knows you are. And I’d make sure if you ever do get cancer, she has no real reason to consider the partnership at an end.
These hypoteticals will always bite you in the behind and let me tell you why, not everyone, and rightfull so, is willing to sacrifice themselves for your happiness and wellbeing and that is how it;s suposed to be!
If caring for you will overcome her wellbeing it’s in her right to leave you. if you play the cancer card to become an abusive prick, again she will not stay and take it just because you got cancer. so you made a hypotethical and she responded with a hypotethical answer. She will not stay with you no matter what.
Speaking as someone whose husband had a stroke 2 years ago (when I was 40) and who is currently in hospital with covid pneumonitis. You don’t know what you will do in these circumstances til it happens.
There’s no point in hypothesising or being hurt by a hypothetical decision.
1st of all, you don’t have cancer, so you’re overthinking it. 2nd of all, we all say things until the time comes, so you don’t even know for sure which side she leans on, which is probably why she said what she said. This goes into the bucket of when women say wild things like “would you love me if I was a worm?” So stop being a woman and get over it. You’re welcome I just saved your marriage.
I can sort of see the wife’s side.
If my husband got cancer and he treated me with respect I’d stay. If he treated me like absolute crap then he’d either have to shape up or I’d leave. I’ve been a carer for half my life, the workload doesn’t phase me but I’m not going to go through all of that and be abused.
I absolutely appreciate every response. I am a little confused by people saying something to the effect of “Don’t worry about hypothetical situations,” though. To me, a hypothetical situation is like, “Would you rather be trapped on a deserted island with Captain Kirk or Captain Picard?” Asking what someone would do in a scenario that has a ~50% chance of happening stretches the meaning of “hypothetical”
To me, asking a spouse the circumstances that would cause them to leave the relationship is no more outlandish than asking if they would ever cheat. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask someone how they would act in a very, very likely scenario.
Yikes. That’s pretty sketchy. I’d be questioning my whole marriage.
There’s no way I would leave my husbands side if he were sick with anything. He’s my whole world. We’ve been married 47 years. You have the right idea of marriage but your wife does not. Perhaps you may want to find someone more loyal to you, cause you never know what’s going to happen in the future.
My partner got lung cancer. There was never a question. You just do it. So did a lot of his so-called friends. Unexpected support. He is old school Ukranian and hates being mollycoddled.
Sounds like she’ll take the better and leave the for worse.
My husband had cancer last year, we had two small children. And before we even knew what was going to happen he told me it was ok if I left. I literally could not imagine being anywhere but by his side through the whole damn thing. It was awful, we cried a lot, struggled a lot, had a lot of talks, and through it all we came out the otherside. To be married to someone and share a life together, but as soon as it got tough you bail?? Judging your wife hard.
I honestly don’t get the point of marrying someone if you’re just going to leave when they get sick. She told you straight up that she would be out if that happens. If you’re ok with that, that’s cool. But is this the type of person you really want as a life partner? “In sickness and in health…”
I mean, most wedding vows include “in sickness and in health.” Ask her if her vows have always meant as little as dirt to her.
I don’t know your wife, but I took what she said as cancer wouldn’t stop her from leaving you if she was already considering it/planning to leave. I don’t think she was saying if you got cancer she would leave because of it, just that it wouldn’t keep her from it if that was already her plan.
The good news is that you can be ready to file papers when she inevitably dumps your ass because you got cancer.
She’s giving you a warning and you should heed it.
I’m not necessarily surprised. The reality is that for many people, in sickness and in health is just a throwaway line. They are not intending on staying around if you become permanently disabled, or stricken by any illness more challenging than the flu because they are what I would call reluctant caregivers. For them, being required to take care of a spouse is just too much for them.MI
The lesson for nearly all of us, even if we are married to people who would selflessly take care of us in our periods of need, is that we need to build strong communities around all of us so that we always have care available regardless of whether or not we have spouses.
I hope that OP is checking around now to make sure that he has some strong folks around him because he should already know that his wife ain’t worth shit.
Today is the 3rd anniversary of my husband’s double-bypass. I was there with him and noticed he wasn’t “right”. He’d had a stroke after the surgery! Thank God I was there!
My former husband died at 49 of cancer. We’d divorced, but stayed romantically involved after the divorce. I helped his parents take care of him (he was diagnosed 5 years after the divorce), until he passed away. His last words to me were “I love you.”
Sounds like your wife missed the “in sickness and in health” part of your vows.
I have no advice except maybe re-evaluate your marriage.
You’re not obligated to stay with your spouse because they have cancer. You’re obligated to stay with them via the spiritual and physical contract you both signed when you got married.
I would sincerely reflect on her genuine feelings for you.
Good luck.
“You’re not obligated to stay with someone just because they get cancer.” Well…there’s the wedding vows where they agree to be there for each other in sickness and in health. Your wife sounds like a shitty person OP.
Respectfully I’m not going to give my partner a unconditional get out of jail free card because he has cancer. Or any other diagnosis. Even if that diagnosis was terminal. If the context and actions/behavior would warrant termination of the relationship if my partner was healthy, I’m still going to be entirely within my right to leave him, albeit less likely.
Edit: if this partner of yours is saying she’d possibly leave due to the difficulties of simply sharing a life with or helping care for a person with cancer, then yeah, that’s an extremely selfish and eyebrow raising confession. I would not want to be with that person in health.
Cancel that wife and get yourself a new one.