#Love #Dating #MentalHealth #LateBloomer #Relationships
Struggles of a Late Bloomer
Are you feeling scared that you’re never going to find love or have sex? If you can relate to these fears, know that you’re not alone. Let me share my story with you.
As a 28-year-old female, I have struggled with low self-esteem and mental health issues for most of my life. Growing up in an all-girls school, I lacked the confidence to socialize with guys. This led to a lack of dating experience and interactions with potential romantic partners.
Throughout college and grad school, my focus was on academics rather than dating. I battled with mental health issues, including anxiety and low self-esteem, which made it challenging for me to put myself out there and form connections with others.
Despite these struggles, I managed to excel academically and build a successful career. However, the emotional void of not having experienced love or sex weighed heavily on me.
Turning Point
After seeking help from a psychiatrist and therapist, my mental health began to improve. With newfound confidence, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and start meeting people. Although I have been on a few dates, I’m still searching for that special connection.
Being a late bloomer, I often feel at a disadvantage in the dating world. As a demisexual, forming an emotional connection before engaging in sex is essential to me. This personal boundary complicates my dating journey, as I strive to find someone who respects and understands my needs.
Overcoming Negative Perceptions
It’s important to remember that your worth is not defined by your relationship status or sexual experience. Despite societal pressures and negative reactions from others, it’s crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being and set boundaries that align with your values.
While it’s natural to compare yourself to others, recognize that everyone’s journey is unique. Embrace your individuality and focus on self-love and acceptance. Remember that finding love and forming meaningful connections takes time and patience.
Embracing Your Journey
As you navigate the complexities of dating and intimacy, trust that the right person will appreciate and respect your boundaries. Stay true to yourself and communicate openly with potential partners about your needs and desires.
Whether you’re a late bloomer or a demisexual, your journey toward love and intimacy is valid and deserving of respect. Embrace your uniqueness and stay hopeful for the fulfilling relationships that await you.
Remember, your value is not determined by your relationship status or sexual experience. Embrace your journey with confidence and know that love and connection are within reach.
You are not alone in this
Having sex with someone you really care about is the way to go. I was in a hurry to lose my virginity for fear of being called a loser and I regret not doing with someone I loved
please don’t worry about others. you said yourself you’ve been on dates and made connections. and from the sound of everything in general you’ve made a lot of progress. i would continue to meet people and maybe pickup a hobby you can do to meet people as well.
You’re worrying too much. It will all sort out. Stick to your standards and you will find someone who can meet them.
You’re out of the norm for today’s society, but perhaps you should consider that a good thing. Our western culture is very oversexed, and views sex as cheap, fast, and disposable. You’re treating the act with the respect it deserves. I don’t think you should consider it abnormal that you don’t want a stranger engaging in one of the most intimate acts with you.
The benefit for you is that you will weed out all the playboys and the men who don’t treat sex with the respect it deserves. The guy who will be comfortable with your circumstances, who will be willing to wait until you are ready, is going to be full of respect for you and for the act of sex. That’s a good thing.
I understand it can get lonely though, and my heart goes out to you. Just keep doing what you are doing, putting yourself in social situations. It is good you are trying to meet people in real life, because the dating apps are full of creeps, losers, and playboys. Consider a hobby group if you haven’t tried that. Those can be a great way to meet someone, and you’ll know that you already have one thing in common.
it is possible that you won’t find, but, it is difficult to write anything to posts like this one. women can easily find men, maybe not the ideal one, but still. for men, it is much more difficult.
Have sex with the men that you want to commit to you
It’s good to wait for someone you have an emotional connection with. Don’t let fear or comparison pressure you into casual sex. Casual sex is mostly terrible.
There are NO rules
there are NO set dates
RIP OP’s DM
Gosh I’m so sorry about how those healthcare providers acted. That’s truly disgusting. Even if you HAD been assaulted reacting that way and making you feel abnormal for not having had sex for any reason is very wrong. I’m 27 so the same age as you and I relate to pretty much everything you wrote.
You sound a fantastic lady. I admire ladies who don’t want casual sex. I’m not interested in that either. There has to be an emotional connection. Sometimes you can look too hard. You are still young, and I’d say the type of relationship you want is easier to find the older you are as you’ve blossomed emotionally much more.
I understand how you feel. I feel that if I didn’t meet my kid’s father, I likely would’ve been a virgin to this day. I’m glad it was a natural connection instead of forced.
I was dealing with anxiety in high school as well. Sometimes I felt naive. If it wasn’t for meeting people and hanging out, I would’ve been worse of a recluse.
One lesson I can give you: you don’t know what’s behind the scenes. It’s a lot of baggage. Don’t rush into it.
If you’re fear is never having sex, remeber you can always have some type of sex whenever you want since you’re a women. But you stated you don’t like casual sex, so I don’t think fear of never having sex is what scares you. Rather, you fear never finding someone you like enough to want to have sex with them.
Thats a fear most people have, fear of not finding a spouse or settling and marrying a loser or being alone.
I think you should be realistic. Are you rich and hot and smart? Then have high standards. But if not, make sure your standards are realistic. All my single friends in their late thirties are so picky and have standards out of their league. It’s funny how people, myself included, think they are super awesome.
I also think that you are making a huge mistake not doing online dating. It allows you to meet a ton of people from the safety of your home, and screen them for looks and education.
By limiting yourself to simply organic meetings, you’re really limiting yourself to dating opportunities.
I was you when I was younger. I had plenty of opportunities to have sex? But not with anyone I actually wanted to have sex with, so I would leave those situations. Which I’m thankful that I did, it would’ve been a self-betrayal and I would’ve felt icky about it. I AGONIZED over it when I was in my mid 20s. Then somehow I stopped caring, stopped feeling bad about it. Eventually met someone, fell in love, had lots and lots of sex. Didn’t change me fundamentally as a person and now looking back I’m so freaking glad I didn’t act against my own desires and just “got it over with” sooner. It literally wouldn’t have done jack shit for me to “lose my virginity” any younger than I was when I did. Not that I even subscribe to the concept of virginity anymore. Having sex does not make you anything or anyone else than you were prior. It’s a weird patriarchal concept. I’m glad things turned out the way they did for me. I wasn’t ready, it wasn’t the right people or the right time. By the time I did it I was comfortable with my own body and capable of communication (which I was not when I was younger) and it was a total non-issue.
A little young and randy? Mr Jones has a fairy tale. But you can be someone who believes (I don’t believe in anything – pass me the bottle Mr Jones).
Sorry for sarcasm. Be the most adorable person you can be. It’s tough being young. You’ll get through it. Believe in you.
You’ll find someone. Just keep doing what you’re doing and it’ll just happen. Someone will find you
Just saw some of your other posts about this, and I can see it’s something that’s really eating away at you.
First things first is you’ve got to take the pressure off of yourself (easier said than done I know). You’ve put yourself out there on dates, have had terrible therapists, and found a job in the city.
I live in Chicago myself, and I think it’s great that you are here since there are many opportunities to meet people. But perhaps what you need is some nature in your life, and a small get away. It doesn’t have to be to Colorado or Oregon, but a quick trip to the UP or hikes in Illinois can give you peace of mind.
Seriously, it sounds like you’re trying so hard to fit in, and you care so much about what other people think/expect… But what do YOU think/want/expect of you?
Do you journal?
literally noooooooooooone of that matters. just get pretty and everything will fall into place without you having to lift a finger. and i’m not joking.
I had sex with a coworker because we were both kind of stressed from work. It was a good stress reliever, but nothing came of it. No pregnancy, no diseases, and no feelings.
It’s not for everyone, but it is a good release.
You are not alone. I was 28 when I had sex for the first time. I did pursue casual sex because I felt like you – that it was a liability. I wish I’d just waited. Now that I’m older and I see more and more posts like yours I realize I was not alone and that many people have not had boyfriends or sex and I was being too hard on myself.
I actually admire you. There’s nothing wrong with holding off and doing what you think is right.
You are killing it! Home owner in a major city who is also a highly educated woman before 30?
I know you said you suffer from low self esteem, but you are genuinely a very accomplished person and should be proud.
Also it’s pretty bad ass to do the damn thing and just get out there and force yourself to date when you never have before. Please pat yourself on the back for being a super cool person and be patient. There is someone just as cool out there, and you will meet them if you keep meeting new people and socializing.
You are literally doing everything right, don’t give up now.
You need to understand your value in a world of degenerates with no morale discipline. You’re a unicorn amongst sheep.
I think your morale compass and ethics in life have led you to this point. Nothing else. Don’t put yourself down at all. There’s nothing wrong at all in waiting for the right person.
I good friend of mine was in a similar situation. She ended up losing her virginity at 29 to someone who she was dating and she felt “a strong connection” with who could be “the one.” It was an utter disappointment for her bc she had built sex and losing her virginity up in her head. And it was so bad, no chemistry just wet blanket bad. They continued to try and it continued to be bad. They broke up shortly after, which I personally think messed her up even more.
I would continue therapy and also consider exploring your ideas about sex/sexuality with a sex positive therapist who is familiar with alternative sexuality (FYI in my experience queer friendly therapists are superior in supporting Demi/ace folks.) Shame and guilt really impact the way we think about sex and relationships regardless of our orientation. It sounds like you are on the right path, but may need help getting there.
Just want to say that once you start dating you’ll have no trouble finding sex and eventually love…
BUTtt
Watch out for guys who prey on women like us who are more innocent and fragile. Do not tell men that you are inexperienced or a virgin ever.
Best thing to suggest is to try every hobby and go with the intent of having fun and getting to know everyone. Overtime you will get to know more people and eventually find a man that is great in public and in private that you connect with (This will take a couple tries unless ya have good intuition)
It can feel like an eternity before you’re “with” a person and feel comfortable enough to let your guard down. You’re impatient for various reasons you should reflect on: don’t look at others and believe they’ve unlocked some secret path you must find. Don’t think your attitude about sex is “not right.” Every person is different in terms of needs.
You sound self-aware enough to be able to spot the abusers. And confident enough to succeed well on your own. So all things considered a good catch!
Some people don’t have a sexual vibe or sense. Some people walk into a room and can tell who is with who and who wants to get with who, etc. They know how to use sexual signals to attract the opposite sex.
In truth, “it ain’t what you say it’s the way that you say it” applies.
You’re clear about who you are and what you need and what your limits are: you don’t have to compromise but the truth about that is even when people “hold out for the one”- it’s no guarantee of bliss. This is why the bubble we call “love” is misleading. Love flows with time like any river and its course changes: no matter where you jump in a life preserver is still recommended.
Question: What is your circle of friends like? Do you have any? Male or female? Close or “no I’m not answering that, I don’t feel like talking right now!”
You’re not alone. I haven’t found my special someone. He is waiting for you. When the time is right, he will appear, and you’ll be happy.
girlllll i resonated so much with this haha! i too was a 28 year old virgin and late bloomer. not even kidding! Kinda helped me to realize some people were destined to meet others lil later in life. also might have helped those around me who were active weren’t Exactly better off. Like few of those relationships lasted and the ones who did weren’t friends who id secretly envy or compare to, cause then i’d be overthinking “well my friends sex life is this” and that was weird to me haha. It dawned on me it wasn’t as pitiful to say “things happen when they happen” the more i just enjoyed being on my own certain days. I’m still a nervous wreck but if i was dating someone at 28 being the nervous wreck i was? Pssssh forget it. Wouldn’t last. No real advice i guess but sharing and hope you don’t feel so alone. Also screw whoever in health care asked if you were assaulted and that’s why??? that’s so ludicrous…
There are women who have had their lives destroyed by men. Some are 6ft under. Be careful what you wish for. Let your path unfold and don’t think the grass is greener elsewhere. No matter what listen to your intuition and don’t settle. That’s what the world what’s you to do settle and be with a loser. Pick up your crown and find something worth fighting for. Many people are co-dependent. Realize you are ahead of the curve.
So first off you should pat yourself on the back for undertaking this journey of self improvement! Its not an easy thing to do and not only that but you’re putting yourself out there which is pretty brave. From what I read, I can gather you’re pressuring yourself into meeting someone since you have this notion that you’re a failure if you don’t manage to find love and have sex with a special someone but thats just a story you’re telling yourself.
There is no right or wrong here, just people all doing the best they can. You haven’t had a partner yet, so what? Personally I had my first gf at 22 and a second gf after but both of them made the first move since I was too socially anxious to even talk to them. But I shouldn’t beat myself up over that cuz it will just make things worse and mess up my mental health. So keep supporting yourself through this uncomfortable moment till your actions lead you to your goal.
You’re doing the right thing, dating is hard and it might take a while but your future self will thank you for it. The only way out is through.
You can DM me and we can talk about it some more. Otherwise I hope this comment helped.
Go get ’em OP!
I’m a virgin too and many guys have wanted to have sex with me but no one wants to commit to me or become my boyfriend… it’s hard
It’s completely understandable to feel scared and overwhelmed by the pressure to find love and experience sex, especially when it seems like others around you are ahead in these areas. Your journey and experiences have shaped you, and it’s important to recognize the progress you’ve made in your mental health and personal growth.
Your decision to prioritize your well-being and focus on your career and mental health is commendable. It’s a testament to your resilience and determination to create a fulfilling life for yourself. Remember that everyone’s journey is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all timeline for love and relationships.
Being a late bloomer doesn’t diminish your worth or your chances of finding love. It’s important to embrace your identity and preferences, including your demisexual orientation and your boundaries around sex. Your boundaries are valid, and it’s crucial to honor them and only engage in intimate relationships that align with your values and comfort level.
Don’t let negative reactions from others or societal expectations dictate how you perceive yourself or your experiences. Your worth is not determined by your relationship status or sexual experience. Focus on nurturing your self-love and confidence, and trust that the right person will appreciate and respect you for who you are.
Continue to explore opportunities to meet new people and form connections, whether through social events or other activities that bring you joy. Stay true to yourself and your values, and remember that genuine connections are built on mutual understanding, respect, and emotional intimacy.
It’s okay to feel scared and uncertain, but try not to let those fears hold you back from embracing life and all its possibilities. Keep believing in yourself and your ability to find love and fulfillment, and remember that your worthiness of love and happiness is never determined by external factors or timelines. You deserve love and happiness just as much as anyone else, and your journey is still unfolding.
I’m 33 and never had a relationship, maybe we should be single together 😝
Your fears about never finding sex are irrational.
Your fears about never finding love are more plausible.
It’s not that great to be honest
Your story is so inspiring. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and have gathered so much wisdom on your journey. And that’s something so many people can’t do. Know you are not alone. ❤️
Work on yourself, learn to love yourself, get in shape. You should see yourself as the prize but that doesn’t mean don’t try, face rejection, understand you may need to lower standards some at least by physical attraction. I don’t know what you look like but I also wouldn’t just sleep with someone just to sleep with someone. Make sure they wear a condom if you do. Haven’t been in a serious relationship in 5 years now I just turned 33. Drugs and partying ruined a lot of my great relationships with women.
I slept with a dozen or so women (half in relationships with me, others one night stands) and trust me even if you have no idea what you’re doing, you’d be better than most. Men like it a lot more and find it hotter that a woman is inexperienced. Casual sex is killing society a lot these days. At 33 I really only wanna sleep with someone who I could see myself with long term
I’m a 43 year old virgin guy who’s never held a woman’s hand before let alone any other affections.
I think you sound like you have your head on straight which is a hell of a lot better than a lot of other people.
You’ll get there even if some of us take longer than others.
The funny thing about dating and love, is it often happens when you least expect it. I was about 26 when I met my first and old girlfriend, I’m your age now.
I struggled with low self esteem and self worth, having gone through unemployment, failing uni and causing me to drop out which eventually lead to me being diagnosed with mild depression. I felt a great sense of indenty crisis, growing up as a South Asian man in a predominately white country despite being a citizen from birth and my parents being ones too.
I always saw my race and average height as a massive problem in the dating field. I’d used apps like Tinder since they first came out and thought that going to uni would help me find a partner or get laid.
I had been on dates that didn’t really amount to much aside from a few situationships with no sex.
I actually met my current partner while I was unemployed and figuring out what i wanted to do with my career and where i wanted to head in life. She didn’t know I was unemployed at the time because I felt very ashamed of that, I lived with my parents too which made it hard for me to have her over. She actually made the first move by inviting me over to hers after about 3 dates. The opportunity for sex presented itself but I decided against it as I liked this person a great deal and didn’t want this to end up as a casual meaningly sex thing. I think it ultimately paid off, although how we got to being in a relationship was kinda messy we communicated and I was very honest. Before that, I don’t think she had been used to that, I thing honestly guys had been pretty disrespectful to her when she was a college student.
I think it’ll come when the time is right. Work on yourself, surround yourself with people that you think can add value to your life but also help you grow. I’m discovering that not everybody has their shit sorted out in their 20s and that’s okay. It’s the perfect time to experiment and try new things. You’ll regret the things you didn’t do when you’re old and not as mobile. Focus on your own personal growth, I believe there is someone for anyone. I’m finding that the biggest limitation is what we put on ourselves, it’s tough to not give in to your inner-voice and negative thoughts but just take a step back and breath.
On the other end, my friend is a few years younger than me. Been in a few relationships, the longest being 3 years. He’s always focussing on jumping into a relationship and not truly working on himself and being open to people outside his extremely limited preferences. He’s very tall and I think he’d probably struggle with dating if he wasn’t but he tends to attract noticeably younger girls who don’t really know what they want (which is honestly so fair, you shouldn’t feel the need to jump into a relationship for the sake of it).
He has a lot of sex with some beautiful women but always seems so empty and jealous of the relationship my partner and I have (I actually met this person through her funnily enough). Sometimes the best things take time. It’ll probably happen much sooner than you realise, just don’t feel pressured and jump into something if you’re doubting it too much.
1. Every guy is into virgins the lack of experience is absolutely not a turn off. If anything it’s a turn on
2. Are you overweight/ unattractive? That would explain any issues you’re having
I’m a little confused about the demisexual thing.. like by your description of demisexual, not wanting to have sex until you have an emotional attachment to someone… isn’t that the large majority of people? Why is that a worry and why does that require a special label? There’s for sure people that like casual sex, but many many more that are looking to have sex after making an emotional connection or dating seriously. Maybe I’m blissfully ignorant but I can’t understand that needing a label or why it would prevent anyone from anything they wanted, like it will help you avoid douchebags if anything lol
Either way OP, I think you’re a little hard on yourself and you are still very young. You’ll meet someone when the time is right and they won’t care about any of the things you are worried about. They will love you for who you are
Look people can downvote me I don’t care but as someone who is about 20lb overweight themself, 90% of these type posts where someone is saying they never had a bf or gf, the person is obese and are only trying to date healthy weight people.
Also I don’t want this being misconstrued as flippantly telling someone to forget any and boundaries but meeting someone is stressful. A first date is stressful. Interviewing for a new job is stressful. We have to be able to go outside our comfort zone sometimes in healthy ways. Casual sex kind of sucks.
That therapist was way off base to ask if you had been graped!!!
Don’t let my name scare you when I say that you are not broken. You are doing what’s right for yourself! Take care of yourself and continue to strive for the excellence that you have managed to work your ass off to accomplish. As mentioned by others getting into hobbies is a great way of finding others that you can socialize with. Find something that gives you a chance to find your inner peace and then move onto finding social groups that also enjoy these hobbies. Take the time to love yourself and let the rest happen in its own time.
Trust me it’s overrated but you will get laid trust me
Still dating in my 40s, love is there if you have the courage to connect with people. It’s scary but once you get into a rhythm of going on dates the fear does go away.