BreakupDrama #AITA #RelationshipAdvice #ExProblems
Considering taking back things you paid for when your ex starts seeing someone else? This isn’t as black and white as it may seem. Let’s delve into it.
Understanding the Situation π
In any relationship, particularly in situations where financial responsibilities are shared unevenly, complexities arise when things go south. Our protagonist, a 37-year-old man, finds himself in such a scenario. After a breakup with his 35-year-old partner, they continued living together. Post-breakup, the woman began to spend time with a man named Wilson, which made our author feel uncomfortable due to the mixed signals he received in their cohabiting space.
Shared Expenses and Responsibilities π΅
During their time together, the author managed most financial responsibilities:
- Covered 95% of outings.
- Paid for bills, including a Ring camera, joint phone account, and a private mailbox.
Given that his ex wasnβt contributing significantly due to limited work, the financial burden largely fell on him.
Why He Retook What He Paid For π
Upon discovering her outings with Wilson and feeling their post-breakup living situation wasnβt as amicable, the author decided to reclaim the items he financed. Here’s what he did:
- Revoked her access to the Ring camera.
- Removed himself from their joint phone account.
- Took back the key to the Post Office mailbox he paid for.
Her Reaction and the Fallout π‘
His ex didnβt notice the mailbox key was missing until a month and a half later. When she found out, she was furious. However, the author ensured she still received her mail by placing it on the dining table.
Motives Behind His Actions π΅οΈββοΈ
From his perspective:
- His actions were not out of spite but a retraction of privileges he extended during the relationship.
- He felt she misused their amicable post-breakup arrangement.
From her perspective:
- The delay in noticing the mailbox key indicates she may not need it urgently.
- Her anger stems from feeling abruptly cut off from conveniences she grew accustomed to.
Am I the Asshole (AITA)? π€
The AITA question hinges on fairness and communication:
- For Him: Taking back what he paid for post-breakup isnβt inherently wrong, especially if he continued to provide her mail.
- Against Him: Lack of direct communication in making these changes could be viewed as passive-aggressive.
Conclusion π
Understanding both sides:
- Proactive Communication: Always communicate changes to ensure clarity and avoid misinterpretations.
- Fair Finance Practices: Taking back finances and assets you are no longer comfortable sharing post-relationship can be reasonable.
Navigating post-breakup matters involves boundaries and respect. While removing privileges you paid for is understandable, ensuring the other party is aware and ready for these changes avoids unnecessary conflicts.
Ultimately, clear and fair communication is key to resolving issues amicably. So, what’s your take on this situation? π£οΈ
Let us know in the comments below β¬οΈ and don’t forget to share your thoughts using #BreakupDrama #RelationshipAdvice!
NTA. You’re no longer a couple so she does not get the benefits of being a girlfriend.
This all sounds very immature.
If you are “broken up”, still living together, and still being intimate, that’s on you. I can understand the lease thing, but you should NOT be affectionate in any way.
Your her ex. She’s dating. Regardless of your living arrangements. That’s on you. If she’s not paying her way throw her out.
YTA for putting yourself in this position. You broke up a few months ago. Got it. But since that time… you’ve been paying for dates and she’s been using you for sex. So you’re not really broken up…. and you obviously believed you weren’t going to stay broken up. Now she is playing the field. Whatevs. Sounds like you’ve made a mess of this and are now just being petty. Don’t get me wrong… she is also TA for using you so willingly…. but you are letting her…
>We continued living together after the breakup.
WTF for? There is zero reason to do this and can only lead to a bad outcome which it appears it did.
>I paid for most of the bills and covered 95% of our outings.
Again WTF for? You’re roommates at this point, it should be 50/50.
>It took her over a month and a half to realize that I had taken the mailbox key
So you dug through her purse/things and got something out? Not cool. Not cool at all. You should have just told her and gotten it back from her, not this kiddy crap.
~~esh~~. Her because she kept being intimate and you for not either removing one of you from the living arrangement or becoming roommates instead. Add it that behind the back move and the scales tip a little more towards you.
Edit:
YTA. After reading your replies it seems you expected her to not date anyone else. This puts everything squarely on you. The two of you broke up and you became a booty call which you seemed to be okay with. She is allowed to see other people, you get no say in that unless she is bringing them into the residence for overnight stays.
I’d love to say this is the most immature response I’ve seen from a person in their late 30s but unfortunately it isn’t.
Dude, you are middle aged. The way to handle this is just to tell her that since she’s seeing someone else you think it’s best to start emotionally seperating yourselves and making plans for one or both of you to move out.Β
Throwing a tantrum and cutting off access is what 18 year olds do.Β
No wonder you haven’t found your forever partner yet … Who would want you if at nearly 40 you still haven’t mastered the art of adult conversation.
Okay I may be going against the grain here but I think EAH.
When you guys initially broke up you guys should’ve discussed how finances would shift or change now that you still have to live together. Also if there was still intimacy involved that should’ve been nipped in the bud.
I don’t think it’s fair for her to allow you to pay for outings if you’re not together, but you should’ve said that you’re not okay with that.
But what I think happened is that you left everything the way it was and didn’t say anything because you thought you’d get back together. But when you realized that it wasn’t a possibility you got angry and jealous and took away all the rights you gave her that should’ve been talked about and revoked at the beginning of the break up.
If she was disrespectful and flaunting her new relationship around that would be one thing. But her trying not to tell you or be low key about it I actually find *respectful* to your feelings. If her only offense is moving on then I feel like this may be an EAH situation.
Legally speaking, if she had prior access to the box and receives mail there you could be in trouble there because she has established usage and tampering with mail is not a joke.
No judgement here, too much of a mess.
You broke up.
She is *on the lease*.
If you don’t want to be intimate with her, feeling like she is also intimate with someone else, that’s perfectly reasonable, but you can’t act like she betrayed you somehow.
YTA being petty
YTA.
You broke up and didn’t have a problem continuing this arrangement.
But all of a sudden when she starts dating someone, now its a problem. You are broken up, she is allowed to date people.
If you had done all this immediately after the break up then I’d say NTA. But you are clearly doing this in retaliation for something she has every right to do.
NTA. Get out of the lease.
She has a new boyfriend and she’s moving out in a week? Yes your tantrum is ridiculous. YTA
YTA. She didn’t do anything wrong and honestly, you should be appreciative that she tried to keep it from you and spare your feelings. You broke up. That’s all there is to it. She doesn’t owe you chasteness just because you live together until the end of your lease.
Not for taking those things back!
Certainly for remaining in an environment that would bring you hurt. You set yourself up, did you not think that she would begin seeing other people? And you as well, some things you don’t need to have others involved. So let me ask you this were you upset by her moving on or by the fact you’re still simping and covering her expenses? Or was it the fact that you felt played? Either way when you break do just that…
You can’t expect to be friends in so short of a span of time, you both needed to lick your wounds and heal….
Unless she was with ole boy all along, which means keep your distance at all times…
YTA it’s not disrespectful to date another person when you are broken up, the only thing making this weird is the fact you remained affectionate and intimate after the break up, which is really on both of you.
Dudeβ¦ move outβ¦
I mean I dunno guy. You broke up and mutually decided to keep living together and being affectionate. You discussed nothing about your arrangements as far as I can tell. Then she very naturally starts seeing someone. I don’t know why she needed to admit or deny it. It’s none of your business unless she’s having him over.
It was only when you “found out” that you took steps to remove her from some minor things–a ring camera and a mailbox? Sure. Why not. But it feels petty to her because it is. You didn’t do these things because you broke up; you did them because she start seeing some guy.
It’s your right and all the expenses and shared stuff should have been reevaluated in a mature way when you broke up but that didn’t happen. Now your taking your ball away because she’s dating. Feels lame.
Might be the only one to say this but YTA.
NTA. She’s got a great deal until June, and the ring camera and post office box aren’t things she can’t live without.
Dahfak? Leave it matey
You have moved into roommate status. Therefore bills/conveniences are to be divided and handled/paid for accordingly.
why is she living with you if she isn’t your roommate?
NTA but why the hell is she still living in your house tho
ESH. This is just a mess. If you’re breaking up with someone, quit blurring the lines of everything. That way, you’re not taken by surprise when she’s seeing someone else, and she’s not shocked when she gets her gf privileges revoked. Communicate. Set boundaries and stick to them.
You’re not necessarily the asshole for taking back what’s yours, like the mailbox key, especially if you’re the one paying for it. However, it seems like communication could have improved the situation. Since you were still living together and sharing some expenses, discussing these changes with her beforehand might have been more fair. It’s understandable that you felt hurt by her behavior, but addressing the issue directly could have prevented further conflict.
NTA. When the lease is up move out ASAP.
You are not the asshole at all!! She is literally using the things you pay for, for her benefit and also is being very manipulative by still seeking affection from you when you are broken up. Honestly you need to start separating everything you have ever had together and I highly recommend you give her a move out date you both canβt move on until you arenβt living together. Shoot if you pay for the internet I would change the WiFi password, if you pay the Netflix I would add a pin for login. You need to do everything you can to separate from her. You donβt deserve what she is doing to you friend, time to let erβ go!!
NTA – You are no longer together as a couple, she has no right to the things you pay for.
Yeah YTA
You’re clearly just doing these things out of spite that she’s dating again
Respect? By saving her pussy for YOU?
Get over yourself π€£
NTA. At this point, who cares what she thinks. She’ll be gone in a week. She doesn’t need the key.
YTA – not for removing her access to these things, but for allowing her access to those things beyond your breakup, which created a precedent. The fact you only removed her access once you felt scorned indicates that you feel you control her. You wouldnβt have been the AH if you had removed her access upon breaking up. The action is not what makes you the AH, itβs the fact you were motivated to do it out of spite.
You do not owe her those things, that is true. HOWEVER you canβt set a precedent and then decide to cut all access because she did something you donβt like. If this was a boundary, you should have made that clear from the beginning.
NTA – These things should have been done soon enough after breaking up, it took another guy to come in the equation for you to realise that but nevertheless better late than never.
Although dont keep your hopes up with your ex and stop being jealous over her seeing another guy. Also make any boundries clear between you two to avoid further conflict
Messing with the US Post Office is always tricky. It’s not impossible that you committed a federal crime by taking away the mailbox key of a person who has their mail legally sent to it. Like, “interfering with the US mail” is a “treelaw” like thing where the consequences are so much bigger than what you think they are.
Regardless of asshole or not asshole – fix that. Do *not* fuck with the USPS.
Nta for doing it but it definitely took you longer than it should of to do it! People calling OP T A for still clinging to the relationship but how could he not if heβs still playing house with his ex while still being intimate and sheβs not being fully transparent with him about her outside dating life.
YTA, youβre jealous and punishing her – living with an ex is stupid but continuing to fool around and let your hopes get raised is down right idiotic.
I fail to see what she did wrong. She’s single and dating and not disrespecting you in any way that I see. If you feel hurt, your feelings are yours to manage. You could’ve talked to her about it even. Not taking stuff away with no notice and no apparent reason. YTA.