Are you worried about losing your son? Stay tuned for valuable advice and support on how to navigate this challenging situation. #parenting #family #help #advice #support
Signs of Losing Connection
– Is your son withdrawing?
– Are communication and trust declining?
Seeking Help
– How can you reconnect?
– Where to find professional support?
Engaging With Your Son
– Building trust and understanding.
– Strengthening your bond through activities and conversations.
You cannot control others.
Be available, be supportive, send him Christmas and birthday and holiday cards to let him know you’re always thinking of him.
His response is out of your control.
How old is your son?
We need context. The answer is very different if this is an 8 year old versus a 20 year old. Also your reasons to move, combined with your employment situation (working remote, or you’d need a new job.)
And what does “so far apart” mean in your context? 45 minutes? 2 hours? 4 states and a flight to visit?
11 is a hard age for parents. Kids are needing them a bit less and friends more.
Just take your time, keep it positive.
Were you a jerk to him? There has to be more to this story.
If you want a better relationship with him, you have to show up. Your instinct about moving is the correct one – preteens and teenagers aren’t gonna communicate with their parents unless they’re in front of their faces. My daughter is very sweet to me in person and practically a bot over text with her one-word answers. If I lived far away I would barely have a relationship with her – instead we are very close. You have to go to their games, their parent-teacher conferences, all of it, and you can’t do that if you live far away.
Here is my advice as a kid with divorced parents. I lived with my dad, not my mom. Looking back my did did a lot of things to keep me away from my mom, including booking family vacations on my visitation times with her…Making me choose between a trip to Bali or a month in a small apartment in Reno with no AC.
She was always there when I wanted to talk. Bought me a cell phone back in the 90s so I could always call her. She never made me choose, and never made me feel guilty if I chose to go on a trip instead of with her. She never talked bad about my dad. My dad did passively badmouth her, but eventually, that hurt his credibility with me more than anything. It’s hard for the kids in this situation, and the best you can do is be the best version of yourself for them. One day they will come around.
I was estranged from my dad for over 9 years, he didn’t meet his grandchildren. My mom was very involved. Kids will grow, just be the best dad you can, whatever that looks like.
How old is your son? How often do you see him? What role have you had in raising him? How long have you lived this distance from him?
As someone who’s parent split up at 10 years old, this is a very confusing time for someone in his situation.
Both of parents love me very much, but my father made some choices that hurt me very much and he moved away. I took it out on my mother, but she was always there and I hated my father for many years.
Eventually, I grew up some. I reconnected with my father, apologized to my mother and things started to get a lot clearer. We all made mistakes, even my mother who was mostly the victim in the situation.
In either case, I live very close to my mother here in the Midwest but I’m planning on moving across the country in a few months to live closer to my dad for a while. People change and grow. My best advice is to simply be there for your son in whatever way you can. It may take years for him to want to be around you more, but it’s not outside the realm of possibilities.
He’s young. He should follow his heart and do what he feels is right for now. He’ll grow and just because you “aren’t around” doesn’t mean anything in the long run.
i have a horrible relationship with my dad. i’m 21 now. we were separated for a long long time because i moved away with my mom and step dad across the country. i probably would’ve said something similar at your sons age. i didn’t know my dad, being around him felt weird and uncomfortable (and sadly still does, he feels like a stranger).
now that i am an adult i so badly wish my dad would’ve fought for a relationship. i wish he would’ve tried harder to feel less like a stranger. (this is simply just my own experience, in a similar situation to your son).
i don’t know if id suggest moving completely, but id start with phone calls as much as you can, and if its a discomfort thing maybe try going to visit as often as you can, and then if you both feel it is a good idea move closer. he may not realize or appreciate it now, as he is a fairly young child, but at least when he grows up he’ll be able to see how hard you tried.
I would also try to find a hobby you can do together. Maybe play Minecraft online together every Tuesday. Maybe just quietly FaceTime and watch a show together. When he does come to visit, offer for him to bring a friend along. Make being with you no longer a “chore” to mark off.
I would move closer and take my visitations. Would do everything I could to build a relationship with him. When he becomes an adult he can choose whether he wants to continue the relationship with you.
However, while you can, you must do all you can to salvage the relationship.
I’m speaking from experience. I’ve been through the same thing.
It’s important to make an all out effort. Regardless of what is said. Because you don’t know all of the factors that may be playing into his feelings right now. Those may be revealed later. When that time comes there will be a world of difference in his mind between a father who never gave up on him … and a father who gave up because of something a child said.
Never give up on your child.
Just wanna put it out there that your love as a parent WILL come across to your child if you are putting the time in, no matter how far apart you are.
Move, if you can. My parents spent a long time after their divorce so sure that it was the other one that poisoned their relationship with me, when in reality I just didn’t want to hear the horrible things that they would say about each other or just the fighting in general, I loved them both and at that point I just wanted to be away from the fighting. That faded and my mom was able to separate the pain of the divorce better than my dad and the thing I really held against him for a long time was that he wasn’t strong enough to be there when I needed him, because he wasn’t able to do so. It took a long time to repair that relationship, but would have been solved a lot sooner if I knew he was there and ready to be relied upon when I needed him. Be there for your son. Even if he doesn’t ask for you now, he will as he continues to grow. If your ex is truly bad mouthing you behind your back then trust that he grows into the kind of person who is able to think for himself, and be waiting for him as the kind of dad you aspire to be when he is. Much love my dude.
Can you see if the court can intervene on your behalf? Court ordered therapy with you and your son. His mother doesn’t understand she is destroying this boy with the poison she spews. Fight for him, so at least he can look back and say, I pushed him away but, my dad kept coming back”.
Read that he is 11. Most definitely not the time to take a step back. All kids need both parents. I would love to know the reasoning behind his decision to not visit anymore. Idk if it’s justified or not, but I hope when you do see him that you aren’t trying to be his friend, but be his dad. Find things to bond over, model cars, camping, sports, idk. But something that gets the two of you doing something together that isn’t tv or video games. I would tell him that you love him too much to just walk away from being his dad. Then get to the bottom of his feelings. Tell him no matter what the truth is, you need to hear it. It’s the only way you can correct any mistakes or misunderstandings.
Missing a lot of background information here to make advice with imo
How old is he? I think that makes a difference.
Why is he wanting a step back? When did you separate from his mom and under what circumstances? Did you move far away from him and lose contact for awhile? Do you have a new wife and kids?
Fight for him! Reliably exercise your 50/50 custody and parent the boy.
Don’t make him choose, be there for him, check in, don’t pressure.
If moving would not create problems for you, go ahead and move. It will allow for easier visits and spur of the moment contact, as well as reducing wasted travel time and stress. Do NOT take a step back. You could perhaps even plan group trips with your son, his mother and other friends to warm up your relationships. Slow and steady wins the race. Don’t give up. Think creatively.
I would move and make yourself available to him. Let him come to you, which he probably will on his own. When he’s older he’ll realize you moved specifically to be near him. That’s going to be worth a lot.
Move, my man.
He’s 11. Right now, it’s on YOU to show up.
There will be a lot of school events that if you were states away, you’d never make it to.
If he doesn’t want to come over, you can’t force that. But you need to show up over and over and over. Even if that’s so he sees your face in the crowd during the band concert and you can tell him they really knocked a song out of the park. Or if you guys can establish a Bob Evans first Saturdays and eat awkwardly until hopefully is not awkward. Maybe have him invite a friend to crack the ice. Whatever it takes.
You can’t show up if you aren’t there.
Let it go and learn to be the best you that you can be on your own. He will come back when and if he’s ready. You can’t force this.
OK. Here’s my opinion. My kids don’t want me around either. But they don’t have an option. Sorry, guys. We are going to the museum. We are playing games together tonight. We are doing things you complain about. Because I love them enough to make them spend time with me. Not if they have something cool planned. Nah. But on a Thursday night? Yeah . You are mine, little one. (17,13,10)
It is a phase. And it’s one that doesn’t feel good as a parent. The rejection. But you can’t quit that. It’s easy to give up and not feel that rejection. But that’s not your job. And this job isn’t ever easy. Take what I say with a grain of salt. Because currently the oldest is mad I won’t let her live in a van in the city…
Looking back, I would have given anything if my dad had fought to see me when I said I didn’t want to. Don’t give up.
Be consistent and loving and don’t let his opinion in the moment affect a lifetime of fatherhood on your part. I rejected my dad’s commitment to his ideal vision for me. I didn’t think he saw me for me. Now that I am a man and a father I respect him and his life more than any other person in the world. I realize he was the most committed person to me ever in my life. This isn’t about you any more of course, and I am sure you get that, but live for your child the best way you can. He will learn long lessons from your commitment. There are always the most right decisions, make those. Even if you feel you get nothing in return, your investment will have rewards you may never see but they will grow.