#FriendshipDrama #RelationshipProblems #FriendshipEtiquette
Are you caught in a sticky situation where you’re being accused of being the girl your friend’s girlfriend can’t stand? 🙆♀️ It’s a tough spot to be in, but fear not, you’re not alone in facing this common dilemma. Let’s dive into some practical solutions to navigate this tricky friendship dynamic.
## Understanding the Issue
You (F26) have a long-standing friendship with a guy (M27), let’s call him Jeff, in your friend group. After being away for a few years, you returned to find Jeff had a new girlfriend, Mia (F31). Despite your best intentions, it seems Mia is feeling threatened by your close bond with Jeff.
## Communicate Openly
### 1. Have a Heart-to-Heart
Sit down with Mia and Jeff together to address any concerns or misunderstandings. Express your willingness to make things right.
### 2. Set Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries with Jeff to ensure you’re respecting Mia’s feelings and prioritizing their relationship.
## Focus on Inclusivity
### 3. Include Mia in Conversations
Make a conscious effort to involve Mia in group discussions and activities to show her that you value her presence.
### 4. Acknowledge Mia’s Contributions
Validate Mia’s opinions and contributions during conversations to demonstrate that you respect her perspective.
## Self-Reflection
### 5. Reflect on Your Actions
Consider your interactions with Jeff and Mia and evaluate if there are any unintentional behaviors that might be causing tension.
### 6. Prioritize Empathy
Put yourself in Mia’s shoes and try to understand her perspective to foster empathy and mutual understanding.
## Final Thoughts
Feeling like the girl your friend’s girlfriend can’t stand can be draining and stressful. However, by communicating openly, setting boundaries, and prioritizing inclusivity, you can work towards resolving the conflict and preserving your friendship with Jeff and his girlfriend. Remember, relationships require effort from all parties involved, so stay positive and approach the situation with compassion. 💖
With these practical solutions in mind, you can navigate this challenging scenario with grace and understanding. Solidifying friendships amidst conflicting dynamics is always a journey, but with patience and perseverance, you can find a harmonious balance that benefits everyone involved. 🌟
NTA I mean I do get what she is trying to say but it’s not your fault if Jeff treats her that way.
NTA it might be your friend who should respect his GF, but thats not really your problem
It sounds like Mia thinks Jeff is carrying a torch for you. It’s either her insecurity or it’s true. Neither of which is your fault. But if it is true, it would be a kindness to distance yourself a little so as not to get his hopes up.
NAH except maybe Jeff.
NTA. Seems like Mia/Jeff problem not yours
ESH. Except maybe Mia.
Significant others always struggle to fit in and feel good around longtime close friend groups, it’s just a natural part of the dynamic. So mature and secure close friend groups that value their SOs make an exerted effort to help them feel welcome. You and Jeff clearly aren’t doing that. So as exhausted as you are, the SOs (at least the sorta sensitive ones) will feel worse. You can put it on them if you like, but this is the common if not universal dynamic of close friend groups. I’ve been on both sides and notice that when the “in group” goes out of their way to value and even privilege SOs by listening attentively when they talk, everything goes well and that person fits in (or they fade away after a breakup – but what have you lost by welcoming them?). If you want to stay close friends over time, this is way better for everyone. Once people marry off, that spouse needs to integrate or the friend group eventually will distance or dissolve.
You may feel special now because of the place you have with Jeff. But if you want this close group to continue and stay close, best to change your attitude toward SOs.
After more from OP – probably NTA and Mia should damp down the drama.
YTA you are fueling Mia’s insecurity and affirms it by siding with Jeff and not her. Continue on and pretty sure you will be facing a break up with your bf while causing Jeff/Mia’s breakup too. Speaking to Jeff about this mum, “distraught” stuff could have been done privately and now displaying it right in front of your significant others. And when Mia confided that Jeff chose to save you from a burning car, your response was to tell her she should not have asked that? Wtf. It’s as though you are confirming to her what she’s afraid of. How would you react if this was your bf’s answer when choosing between you and a female friend? Seems to me like you are obviously loving the attention that Jeff is giving you over Mia
I might be the odd one out here, but I’d say soft YTA for pulling Jeff aside on the first night of reconnecting (and in a group setting) to pull up heavy feelings about his lost mother. Sounds like more of something you wanted rather than him, and you clearly caused more than some emotional drama based on the fallout. Not that it’s your responsibility to curate your friendship based on their SO, but like, that’s just how things are, especially when you have a romantic history, no matter how serious. You could have asked to get coffee another time if you wanted to have such a heavy and private conversation but you chose to do it in a group setting. I think you just need a little more foresight in how others might take that move.
You’re NTA. He’s a childhood friend and you (presumably) also knew his mom. Of course you two should share a moment.
That said, sounds like he’s not really into his GF. She feels it, too, but rather than confront him and break it off, she’s turning you into some kind of Jezebel because it’s easier to blame another woman than hold your dude accountable for his behavior. Very cliche.
Basically, don’t sweat it. Focus on you and your relationship. Theirs isn’t gonna last much longer, so just bide your time. Hopefully, his next girlfriend is a better fit for him.
NTA… butttt……..i had a friend like you. talking to her every single day, all my girlfriends hated her and they didnt even know her like i did… wellllll… after all the break ups my best friend and i started dating. we’re still together lol. sooo you gotta understand why they dont like you around. youre definitely a threat, doesnt matter what you or jeff says. put yourself into their shoes.
YTA. You said you used to make out? Jeff has feelings for you. and you have a boyfriend? It’s time to move on and respect their relationship or Jeff needs to leave Mia.
He needs to go to his girlfriend for emotional support not you. That thing about saving you over his girl in a fire is fucked. I’d leave the relationship if I was told someone you used to make out with is worth more than me.
The fastest way to defuse this, in my opinion, is to have one on one with Mia and explain that you are just childhood friends and are very happy with your boyfriend, and just catching up and by no means intended to disrespect her. Look at it from her perspective. And whatever you do not give the appearance, you are flirting with him. It’s not surprising she would feel concerned.
Are you talking to Jeff about his behavior? You’re telling Mia that these things aren’t a big deal, but they are to her. Sounds like Jeff needs to get his priorities together, and as a good friend, you can help him see this. I’m not saying that it’s your responsibility to fix things, but that you can redirect your energies from assuaging Mia and towards nudging Jeff to be more sensitive to her needs.
YTA. You also refer to Jeff as “my” Jeff. I think you know what your doing and you just want someone to validate you and tell you your nta. Yes, Mia is insecure and your playing in that. I don’t blame Mia for being insecure because you guys have a history of intimacy. I guarantee you if the roles were reversed you wouldn’t like it either.
You all suck, feel bad for Mia.
YTA. Not for talking to Jeff initially. But for knowing Mia is sensitive about it and you are basically giving her the middle finger. You know Jeff is still into you and your ego loves it.
YTA
>I also met my Jeff’s
>I will just continue that conversation without acknowledging her. I have realised that it is because I do value Jeff’s conversation over Mia’s.
You call him my Jeff he isn’t yours and you do talk over her and admit it….
Jeff is n ass too
I think it’s your responsibility to put some distance… you have to respect other people’s relationships, and with that their partners. Don’t be an AH asserting your rights, because tbh you’re entitled to none.
YTA . You’re not a girls girl . You’re a pick me because you don’t value how Mia feels. You literally said you’ll rather listen to Jeff over Mia. You should of stayed away. Ion fuck with women like you because y’all think y’all slick. The whole my best friend, my best friend is a cover up . Girl please, you’re not fooling Mia which is why she’s trying to have her S/O listen to how she feel. I hope she don’t snap and whoop your asz.. It’s not your job to even speak on his relationship or anything. Keep your boyfriend entertained, babes!
NTA
My best friend and I have been friends for over 20 years, she and I act more like a married couple than most married couples do. I can’t count the number of times where we’ve been in a similar situation like this with the new girl/boyfriend letting their insecurities take them for walk. The more you try to help, the more you try to understand where they come from the worse it feeds into them and like you’ve said the paranoia comes in. At some point, it just has to be on them and for them to deal with.
***”Mia continued and said that I am also the problem because when Jeff starts a conversation with me over her, I will just continue that conversation without acknowledging her. I have realised that it is because I do value Jeff’s conversation over Mia’s.”***
Most people would look at this and think it’s intentional, but the thing you haven’t taken into consideration when thinking about this is so far from your only major interactions with her has been nothing but drama. At some point, you just check out of it even if it’s not intentional. and stuff like *”Mia also said that she told Jeff that if he had to choose between saving me or her in a burning car, he would save me.”* is proof of that. Who the heck wants to deal with conversations that are this morbid and think they’d be valued in a group setting?
YTA for pulling him aside to talk about his mother. A group outing where you are introducing your SOs is not an appropriate time for that.
It sounds like you and Jeff are both inconsiderate, to be honest. In the entire time you lived someone where else you never ever “had the chance” to pick up the phone and talk to him about his mom? Only when you’re in the same physical space with him and you are supposed to be introducing your BF to your friends? You both sound shady.
>focuses on mine and his conversation over theirs, he filled my glass before filling hers, etc.
A month or so before my ex and I broke up for good, we decided to go to a party our friends were throwing. We hadn’t gone out in a long time, and he very quickly reminded me of why.
There were several girls we had went to high school with who he had a thing for and he made it so obvious while also playing dumb enough that it was hard to call him out on it.
At this party, there was a girl he had a thing for. At one point she asked if someone could get a drink out of the cooler for her because where she was sitting with all the people there, it was hard for her to just get up and walk. My ex was the first one to jump up and run and get that drink for her. Then on his way back he asked me if I wanted something. He was so engrossed in everything she said the entire night (it was her party, but there were enough people there that he didn’t have to talk to her the whole time).
What I quoted just reminded me of that immediately and it’s a really shitty feeling to be the girlfriend in that situation. I’m gonna say NTA, but Jeff definitly is.
I guess YTA for for failing to acknowledge that Jeff clearly still has feelings for you and enabling his behaviour but honestly I can’t believe you are in your late 20s and still having “who would you save in a burning building” conversations lmao.
I would be the Mia in this situation but I don’t know if my BF and his good female friend ever hooked up or anything. But, if this was happening, I would talk to my BF about it. We are good about communication and while not too much has come up that makes me uncomfortable, there were a couple of times in the beginning where I shared how I felt and it was something he was able and willing to address.
YTA because
1) you picked a weird time and place to stir up emotions – also if you were such close friends, why did you wait that long to talk to him about his mother’s passing?
2) you’re dismissing Mia’s experience and defending Jeff by putting words in his mouth. It’s a legit issue if he’s behaving like she says he is, and for you to not recognise that is sketchy. Even if you have no romantic interest in him, it seems like you either feel entitled to some level of possessiveness or you enjoy that he prefers you over his girlfriend. I’m leaning towards ESH though because Mia is messy for pestering you about the situation. So much drama lol.
NTA. this is your childhood friend of 14 years? just because he’s of the opposite sex doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to be friends bc his gf is jealous? if she’s got an issue she needs to have it out with him not you.
Honestly if I was mia I’ll break up with Jeff. Because you guys are ex’s (or ex FWB) and she already told both of you guys how she feels and you guys don’t care.
YTA and Jeff’s even more TA.
I think this is mainly Jeff’s problem but you’re not helping by minimizing Mia’s feelings and comments everytime she talks to you about it. I also take issue with your POV that “because you live with your SO everyday, it’s normal to prioritise everyone else over your SO at group gatherings” – a good SO will still attend to your needs, fill your water, engage with others in the conversation but notice if you’re being left out.
Honestly if I were you, I’d stay out of this drama between Jeff and Mia and let them figure it out. Stop adding fuel to fire.
It seems like there’s You and Jeff, and then there are Other People… Like spouses and family/friends… If your relationship with “Jeff” is the most important to you and Jeff feels the same about you… That sounds like an intimate relationship (maybe nonsexual).
If the other parties didn’t consent to that much openess in their relationship than YTA. But if you were upfront, and I mean honestly, about how much Jeff meant to you, than NTA because they agreed to the situation.
INFO what does your boyfriend think of you being so interested in Jeff’s conversation that you ignore others, that Jeff treats you better than his own gf in group settings, and that you enjoy and encourage this attention from Jeff?
YTA. You even acknowledge that you talk right over Mia, because you value Jeff’s conversation more than hers. What an unfeeling, callous, rude person.
Jeff likely has feelings for you, and you likely enjoy the attention. If you didn’t, then the second you heard that Jeff was showing you such preference that it threatened Mia, you would have drastically curtailed talking to Jeff, and instead spoken to Mia.
There are essentially rules that can help avoid this very thing. When talking to a male friend who is in a relationship, you occasionally take an aside and fill his gf in on any inside stories. If you notice a gf becoming upset, you either break off a conversation or include her. In fact, you make a big effort to include the gf in conversations. This behavior is unspoken communication that assures the gf that you are no threat to her relationship. I have had several close male friends, especially where I used to work, where you’d spend hours and hours together in the lab. Instead of getting their numbers, I’d get their wives’ numbers. Then I’d call the wife and ask her, hey, can you ask X if he’s coming in early for that assay, or is Y going to the team building. At parties, I’d practically ignore my guy friend, and instead hang out with the wife, or I’d be sure to include her. It was just common courtesy. There was this South Korean guy who was engaged to a very traditional, rather shy girl who had just come over from South Korea. I made a real effort to put her at ease and make her feel included and welcomed, and she invited me to their wedding. The others made her feel like more of an outsider.
You’re not a very good friend to Jeff if your behavior contributed to their breakup. Your behavior counts, too. Perhaps Jeff would not be so focused on you if you weren’t talking right over his girlfriend, or getting him off alone to talk. Your unspoken communication with him, through behavior, could be encouraging him.
Instead of graciously altering your behavior, you complain that Mia is just exhausting you, and that you don’t want to consider every move you make. You ALWAYS consider every move you make, and should think before you speak. If someone asks you if her jeans make her look fat, do you childishly blurt out that she’s overweight? Or do you think first?
Does considering someone else’s feelings exhaust you? That’s self centered.
You sound like one of those girls who enjoys having an admiring guy friend waiting in the wings, feeding off the attention without seriously wanting him, while you wait for someone better.
YTA because Mia brought up concerns that Jeff was more focused on you, and your response was basically “and rightly so! I’m more interesting because I’m not the BORING OLD GIRLFRIEND LIKE YOU,” which says a lot about how you see Mia and yourself.
You only “made out” with Jeff? For a YEAR?! you are that girl. YTA
The drink pouring thing would have ended it for me.
“My” Jeff. YTA
YTA, you can’t be serious…
YTA
YTA imo. it seems like you’re not making an effort to make mia feel comfortable and sure, you can say it’s not your job but jeff is your friend and as we get older, it’s not really feasible to maintain a friendship with someone while not at least somewhat befriending and standing up for their spouse.
Sounds to me like Jeff might be into you and she’s picking up on that. Even if he’s not into you and it’s all in her head, it’s Jeff’s job to either make her feel safe and secure in their relationship, end it with her – or even set boundaries with you (that you need to respect), if it turns out, you have been acting disrespectful towards Mia. Either way, you’re not the asshole. Mia isn’t the asshole. Jeff is.
Yta, acting like a pick me
You have the choice now to be that woman, or walk away and let him have his life with Mia. Most of us have been here and I find that it’s better to just walk away. Maybe it seems h fair, but I’ll tell you, you can’t win in this situation.
lol welcome to the beginning of the end of your friendship… My advice is to just let it die naturally instead of forcing it implode.
Soft YTA I think you’re rationalizing a bit. Talking over her and ignoring her is rude. Maybe he’s focused more on you because you think he should be. It’s clear you don’t like her. She’s the gf. You’re not. And “jealous and insecure” are used so often they are meaningless.
Tired? I’m tired just reading this.
I’d say NAH. Mia (rightly) sees you as a threat to her relationship.
YTA- you love drama and creating it. Find it funny that you are ‘exhausted’ since this is the result of some power play you seem to be playing. Sounds like you feel the need to be a centre of attention at all times. Who tf talks about parent’s passing in a group meeting? Both you and Jeff are AHs here. I think the insecure one is you- someone who need to wedge in other people’s relationship to feel validated
YTA I have a similar situation only we’ve been friends almost 23 years. I will go above a beyond to make sure his girlfriend never feels insecure. I befriended her because she’s his SO. I’d never disregard her feelings. I make sure to include her in everything. That’s their relationship, and I won’t do anything to hurt them. Just because you’ve known him 14 years doesn’t mean you were a close friend. A close friend would have reached out after his mom’s passing, and not waited to do it much later at a group function. You just wanted to see if he still has a thing for you. You’re not a good friend. Yeah YTA.
You’re the AH and you told on yourself when you said talked about talking over Mia.