#FamilyDrama #SisterInLawDrama #WeddingStruggles
Hey there! It sounds like you’re in a tough spot with your brother’s fiance, Laura, and the situation at hand. Let’s unpack this and see if we can provide some helpful advice for you to navigate through this family drama.
The Special Bond with Anna
Your relationship with Anna and the bond she shares with your family is truly special. Over the years, she has become an integral part of your family and has played a role akin to an elder sister for your female cousins. This close connection and the amount of time she has invested in nurturing these relationships should not be overlooked.
Understanding Laura’s Perspective
On the other hand, it’s important to try to understand Laura’s perspective as well. She may be feeling insecure about her place in the family and the upcoming wedding. It’s natural for her to want to feel welcomed and included, especially as she prepares to join your family officially.
The Misunderstanding
It seems that there was a misunderstanding when you tried to explain the differences in situations between Anna and Laura. It’s understandable that Laura may have taken your words offensively, but your intention was likely to help her see the unique dynamics at play within your family.
Here are a few steps you can take to navigate through this situation and hopefully patch things up with your brother and his fiance:
1. Communicate with Blake
– Have a heart-to-heart conversation with your brother, Blake, and try to explain your perspective calmly.
– Emphasize that your intention was not to hurt Laura, but to provide clarity on the unique relationships within the family.
2. Reach Out to Laura
– It might be helpful to have a one-on-one conversation with Laura to clear the air and express your desire to make her feel welcomed.
– Acknowledge her feelings and reassure her that you want to support her as she becomes a part of the family.
3. Include Laura in the Wedding Planning
– While it’s true that Laura may not have the same relationship with your female cousins as Anna does, finding ways to include her in the wedding planning process could help her feel more connected and welcomed.
– Encourage her to share her ideas and preferences for the wedding, and consider involving her in some of the decision-making.
4. Mend the Relationship with Anna
– Given the tension surrounding the situation, it’s important to address any hurt feelings and misunderstandings with Anna as well.
– Clear communication and reassurance that her role in the family is valued can help mend any rifts that may have arisen.
5. Seek a Compromise
– Encourage open dialogue between Laura, your family, and Blake to find a compromise that makes everyone feel included and heard.
– Finding common ground and working together to plan the wedding may help alleviate any lingering tension.
In the end, it’s important to remember that every family dynamic is unique, and it’s natural for conflicts and misunderstandings to occur. By approaching the situation with empathy, understanding, and open communication, you may be able to mend the relationships and ensure that the upcoming wedding is a joyous and inclusive celebration for all involved.
Remember, it’s okay to seek support from other family members or friends as you navigate through this challenging time. Ultimately, the goal is to foster a sense of unity and support for both Laura and Anna as they become part of your extended family.
In conclusion, while the situation may be difficult to navigate, with patience, understanding, and open communication, there is hope for resolving the tensions and ensuring that the wedding is a celebration that brings the entire family together. Good luck, and I hope that the upcoming wedding is a beautiful occasion filled with love and joy for everyone involved! 🌟👰🤵♀️
I wonder how much Blake has talked up his family to Laura. There is no mention of her family anywhere – is she close with her family? Maybe during their time together, Blake has told her how warm and welcoming his family is, how his brother’s wife was embraced by everyone, even his extended family. If Laura doesn’t have a good relationship with her family or they are far away, maybe she was looking forward to finding a family with her inlaws. And then that didn’t happen and the inlaws not only aren’t warmly welcoming her but they are really pretty uninterested. Sounds like she moved close to you guys to be with Blake meaning her pool of local friends is likely limited.
You say she declined invitations – did she have to work? Was she in the area at the time? Were they to an activity like going to a winery or playing golf that she might not be into?
Bottom line you are NTA because you don’t have to have a relationship with anyone. But your relationship with Laura (and probably your whole family’s relationship with Laura) will never recover. If Blake chooses her, he will distance himself also and any future children they have will probably not be around much. Best case scenario is they all move far away and just can’t ever come to visit.
ESH. It’s customary for the groom’s female relatives to be involved in the bride’s side of the wedding and vice versa. I don’t think Laura is asking your cousins to have the same close relationship with her as they have with Anna, just that she’s understandably hurt by your family’s blatant disinterest. From just a few paragraphs, it sounds like you dislike her. You did downplay the significance of her relationship with your brother. If hypothetically you didn’t have a ~super special~ “married your middle school sweetheart” story and met your wife as an adult like Blake and most people do, then I imagine, or hope, that your family would be more excited and welcoming. Even if you were single, you’d obviously know your blood relatives better than a future SIL, so that’s no excuse. However, Laura is an AH for blowing up at you all.
NTA.. Your husbands fiancé is dictating that she is the queen bee and is furious that she is not being treated as royalty. Skip the wedding!
NTA but hope Blake sees who he is marrying because it will be a constant competition with Anna.
NTA. This is a Laura problem. How could Blake “defend” her from the truth? Relationships are organically formed, and becoming a fiancee doesn’t suddenly confer love and “equal status” to someone who has been a part of the family for years. It’s sounds as if she and Blake have had a long distance relationship, and when she was around, she wasn’t very involved with your family. Now that the wedding is looming, she wants things different – and by calling people names and complaining, she’s making that far more difficult.
Maybe suggest Blake gently explains the situation using a series of questions:
How would you say a relationship develops, what needs to happen? Maybe spending time with a person?
How long has the family known you? How long have they known Anna?
How old were the cousins when you met them? How old was Anna when she met them?
What interests do you share with the cousins? How many times have you invited them to spend time with you? How many times have you declined their invitations?
How many times have you spent time with them? How many times has Anna?
Can you see that the answers for you and for Anna are very, very different?
Good luck, but I suspect Laura is going to harbour a grudge for a long time.
Nta
I’m going for no one is the asshole.
OP is not responsible for rallying the family to love Laura like they do Ana. Effort goes both ways and if she wants them to like her, she also has to step in and try to show them that she wants to be part of the family.
That being said, imagine stepping into a family and them being somewhat unwelcoming. I feel like OP has a lot of reasons why Laura isn’t welcomed, but imagine being that family member that steps in and helps Laura become part of the family. It’s one of those cases where no one is obligated to, but it would be great if someone was the bigger person and stepped up.
NTA because there were attempts to include Anna in events and such which would have allowed her to bond but she declined. Nobody is treating her unkindly, they are just treating her as Blake’s fiancée they don’t know too well.
So, I’m not sure what she’s thinking. She cannot expect everyone to start treating her wedding as the most important thing and offer up their time, etc, to plan and whatever, when she’s not given anyone her own time until now to develop a meaningful relationship.
Effort is a 2 way street.
You cannot start demanding withdrawals from a bank if you made no deposits.
NTA – but you should not have said anything. Let her figure out where she stands in the family the hard way.
Nta Anna isn’t family because she’s your wife, she’s family because she’s filled the roles of big sister, wise older cousin, daughter and whatever else was needed. Whereas your soon to be SIL just expects the role without putting in any of the work to earn it.
Not everyone meets their significant other in middle school; obviously Anna has had much more time to bond with the family during formative years.
I’m not sure why Laura declined invitations…if you want to create a relationship with people, you have to make the time. There’s really no other way. So that’s one thing.
Then there’s the fact that she’s assuming the cousins etc. (that she barely knows) will want to plan and organise the wedding and bachelorette party – that’s a big assumption. Doesn’t she have her own friends and family? It’s usually something people close to the bride help organise.
You’re NTA in my opinion – unless there’s missing into and you and Anna do actually enjoy keeping her out of the ‘clique’.
Laura hasn’t made an effort with the family, and now she’s reaping the consequences of that. Sometimes the direct approach is the best.
Also Blake’s not mad about what you said, he’s just mad it’s all being taken out on him, by Laura. This might make him realise maybe Laura isn’t for him.
Until Laura apologise to everyone, Anna especially, and reflects, just stay away from her and don’t get involved with the wedding planning.
NTA
Nothing Asshole to see here. Except Laura. But at the same time, understandably so.
What you just told us, tell the rest of the family. For reasons of harmony in the dynamic.
Ehh…I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re an AH, but it does seem kind of shortsighted, considering how close your family seems to be. This woman is going to be part of that family now. I’d think acting as her wedding party and helping her with the wedding preparations would be a good opportunity to break those initial barriers. Depends on if she’s awful to be around or not, though.
What’s Blake doing in all of this? Why isn’t he stepping in to point out your family’s history with Anna and why she’s seen as more “family” than Laura is yet? OP you’re NTA, your brother is.
NTA
I would say NTA, but it also depends a bit how you told her and how much she is aware of the history of your wife and your family. Of course you were totally correct letting her know this all, to make things more clear.
NTA my family has a very similar situation. Where my SIL has been part of our family for more than 16 years, so obviously we are close to her and see her like a sibling. There is no way, someone who we rarely see and has only dated my sibling for 2 years would/should remotely expect the same relationship.
Additionally, your brother is who is related to you. So long as you guys are doing stuff for him, then all things such as bridal showers and wedding events should be done by her friends & family. No idea why other commenters expect the women in your family to do that. Usually, when the bride isn’t related or close to the family, the expectation is that you would just participate in events and bring gifts.
NTA
NTA
She can’t just come crashing in and expect a relationship your wife has spent years cultivating to be put on her lap because she is marrying your brother.
Your NTA but I wouldn’t engage further with her on it. She’s entitled and if she doesn’t get what she wants she will use these conversations to fuel why it’s unfair. She is your brothers issue so you need to talk with him and let him sort it out.
“I’m very sorry that you couldn’t show up and (with zero interaction with the family in two years) have the same relationship my wife has built with my family since we were children. Let us shower you with affection.” Is that what she expected? NTA
Esh your family is treating Blake’s wedding like any other? That’s just cold. Also, there was no need for you to say anything. She sees she isn’t being treated the same as the other DIL – talk to your brother about it. It 100% sounds to me like your family made no effort with her. You all hardly saw her but when she was there, did your family even make an effort to get to know her or make her feel welcomed when she visited? It sounds like a no. The girls may have invited her out but only to things they care about. The fact that you all would treat your brother’s wedding like it’s any other, says everything to me. Doesn’t he deserve more from his own family? It sounds like if people aren’t exactly like you guys, you all run cold.
Laura came in hot ready to strong-arm her way into the family.
It doesnt work like that, sis. You have to start at the bottom.
NTA, girl is a few crayons short of a pack.
NTA. I am the Laura in this situation. I met my husband in our 30s. Meanwhile, his brother’s wife and him have been together since they were teenagers. I did my best to participate even though we live a few hours away by plane and I don’t speak their language. I was accepted but will never be as close as SIL. I don’t live there and don’t have that history. I would never expect the family members to do all Laura wants done in the wedding. I had family members and friends I was close to do those things.
NTA If Laura didn’t make Anna a bridesmaid she can’t plan a bachelorette party, that’s for the bridesmaid to do. If she did ask the cousins but they declined then that’s down to them, and not Anna’s fault. If Laura doesn’t make an effort to get to know and be friends with Anna, that’s not Anna’s fault that the rest of the family then don’t make effort with Laura. It sounds like spike she wants Anna’s relationship with the family but not with Anna tbh.
NTA based on the facts, but sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it.
NTA. Why is your brother marrying a mean and spiteful person?
NTA funny I came across this in my husband’s family last year.
My husband and his nephew are 4 years apart. His wife and I are the same age. We married within a year of each other.
However I am married to a son, not a grandson, so obviously I am treated a bit differently (which they have a problem with, however mostly subtly).
The latest grandson to marry, his wife is very obvious in wanting to be number one, the favourite. While also subtly snubbing us.
But I explained to wife 1 (and kind of giving her a subtle message) that it’s not a competition. We have different roles, as well as different relationships. I see everyone once a year, I avoid any and all family arguments and pick no fights. OFCOURSE I am treated differently and have no wish to compete for being a favourite or most beloved.
You should speak to Blake and make him sort this out. And basically send all of your points in the post to him. Sort it out now before marriage. Don’t let things fester if you can
NTA, someone needed to step up, and you took one for the rest of the family.
Tell Blake to read this post and the answers.
In-laws are not always easy but I feel like more info is needed here by the OP before voting.
INFO:
For everyone saying OP is the AH… in all seriousness, what do you all expect him and Anna and the rest of the family to do?
They’ve tried to include her in events – she says no.
She lives far ish away. (Not nearby/close).
She didn’t seem to go see Blake (and thus then, much).
You can’t force someone to have a relationship with you. Just because you are marrying into the family does not instantly and automatically mean you have a close and personal relationship with the entire family.
I’ve been in cousin’s weddings… because I was close to the cousin who asked me to be in the wedding. Not because their spouses asked me to. I became close with several of the spouses… because I AND THEY have BOTH made the effort to form those relationships.
There are other cousin’s spouses I am not close with. As they either didn’t make the effort… or at the end of the day our personalities just didn’t mesh well to be close.
We get along. We are polite. But being family does NOT dictate a special relationship.
Hell. My own sibling and I… if we were not siblings, we would NOT be in each other’s lives. At all.
OP… NTA.
Edited to fix a typo. That’s what I get for typing on my phone!
NTA. Your brother should’ve helped her manage her expectations considering the different circumstances both women have marrying into the family.
NTA
I think that Laura seems a bit difficult and she seems to lack common social understanding.
If she’s never actually had a lot to do with any of you then I don’t see why you expect people to go out of their way for you.
You said she rarely came to see your brother while they were dating that seems quite one sided in a relationship and also it naturally means that she hasn’t had much opportunity to get to know you.
She’s been invited on several occasions to be part of going out with Anna and your cousins, but has declined. If you want to build a closer relationship with someone then you would say yes to the opportunity to spend time with them and get to know them. You would even perhaps take the initiative to invite them to hang out. If you don’t put any effort in then you can’t expect a close relationship.
I can understand why she might have felt disappointed when she asked for your cousins to be bridesmaids and to plan her bachelorette party. But I also understand why you wouldn’t feel like putting in so much effort when she hasn’t put effort in to getting to know you or spend time with you.
I also understand why you would assume that she would want her friends and family to take on those roles. That’s what you would normally do.
Perhaps she doesn’t have close friends who are willing to step up. But then she should have told you. I also get the impression that perhaps the way she asked everyone might have been a bit assuming.
No matter what her behaviour afterwards with all the complaining and blaming – saying that your family doesn’t love or care for her – is very manipulative and off putting. You don’t know her. She’s never put any effort into getting to know you and she’s declined many of your previous invitations. You can’t love someone you don’t know. It’s something that happens through mutual bonding and she’s rejected many attempts of just that.
I think her behaviour is probably the reason why she doesn’t have any friends who want to be her bridesmaids or arrange her bachelorette party.
Unfortunately my best bet is that she will continue her behaviour. Reject attempts of interacting and growing a bond, blame it on you all and slowly alienate your brother from your family.
NTA
Ask your brother what he expects in this situation. Laura is given the same family invites as Anna. She hasn’t been around nearly as long, sure. That can never be helped. What can be helped is the building of a relationship. But that is a two way street. She can’t expect all the work to be done by the other people. *She* needs to step up to help build the type of relationship she desires with other people.
NTA. what an odd reaction from Laura. I’m sure she will continue to make up things to feel unwelcome about. sounds like that may be a good thing!!
My family also has a similar dynamic, my younger uncle met his wife at university and she’d been embedded into the family for well over a decade before my older uncle met his now wife. I think it was hard for her to see how younger uncle’s wife was so close and felt like she was held at more of a distance, but we had really only just met her by comparison. I was four when younger uncle got married, I literally don’t remember a time without his wife in the family.
NTA, also I don’t know why she would want a bunch of functional strangers to organise such a personal day. Does she not have any close friends?
NTA I think the biggest issue is your brothers partner is framing this as your wife is their SIL where as she grew up with all of them and is treated as more than that and always has been.
NTA! Yes, maybe should have stayed quiet, but she needed to hear it. This situation won’t get better over time, it will get worse and your brother is gonna be the one hurting. This behavior is a red flag, sadly. …….. She is very insecure and jealous about Anna. Laura needs to acknowledge that comparing her to Anna, isn’t in her best interest. …… Your brother needs support righg now, like big time. I feel like his relationship will go down the drain or he will go no contact with the family for Laura, if Laura doesn’t get it. ……Best wishes
NTA
It’s simply the truth.
Actually, the moment Lauren called Anna a “pretentious bitch” for something OP said to her, she lost any goodwill in my book.
Where was her effort to get to know her fiancee’s family in these two years?
Blake visited her, she couldn’t be bothered to come to his hometown often, so…
She was invited to activies and declined, so…
This isn’t a one-way-street where she just can sit there and wait for others to cater to her.
If she wanted a relationship with your family, she should have made an effort herself, starting months ago.
NTA. The fact that Laura called you an “asshole” and Anna a “pretentious bitch” really tells you everything you need to know about Laura’s people skills. You don’t make people want to include you by calling them names. She’s deeply jealous of Anna, and nothing you said would have been the “right” thing to say.
NTA.
You should talk with Blake though and tell him that he needs to talk with Laura as her partner.
She is demanding closeness while not putting any effort in and it shouldn’t be you that is calling her out on this, it should be him. He is supposed to be a team with her helping her navigate your family stuff, and they are supposed to help each other through these types of tough feelings.
Laura is also choosing to give him a hard time. You didn’t make her choose to act this way. Even if she is upset, she is an adult and can choose whether she acts on her feelings or not and whether she takes them out on her partner.
If he doesn’t enjoy her doing that, that is an issue between him and her, not something you have caused or that will actually go away even if you avoid upsetting her – she will still be the type of person who does that when upset.
NTA.
Laura seems to have no friends. The groom’s family does not traditionally plan the bachelorette or the wedding. In fact, that’s what her best friends are for. As for wedding planning, that’s between her and your brother (aka her fiance).
Also, someone can’t enter a family after dating for merely two years and expect the same relationship as someone else who’s been around for significantly longer and grew up essentially as family. That’s just stupid to expect that.
NTA Unsure how Laura expects the groom’s family to help plan a wedding for someone they don’t know very well.
They suggest pink flowers, but find out she hates pink? They plan a party with bowling, and she hates bowling? Waah! Everything is ruined!
She hasn’t interacted with them enough for them to know much about her, or for her to feel like a friend, rather than just “Blake’s fiancé”.
Weddings are expensive. It’s too risky to expect someone to GUESS what you might want.
Also not a fan of her accussing them of ‘not caring for her OR Blake’. Smells manipulative, or at least a little dysfunctional.
Wonder if her family is not involved for some reason, and that’s why she’s expecting OP’s family to take the reins?
NTA it doesn’t seem like she’s made an effort to become closer with your family
Your wife has been part of your family for way longer . You are right, it’s different situations
NTA. Another spoiled brat who grown up, becoming an adult, but still acting like a kid.
INFO: During these offers to “hang out” do the other women ask Laura what she would like to do? Do they try to meet her half way? Has anyone asked her about her family dynamics? Tried to get her to know her as a person and not tried to get to know her only in a way that would be of service to your family (i.e. as a helper)?