#ParentingDilemma: AITA for sticking to my word and not giving my daughter an allowance after her 16th birthday?
Let me set the scene for you – it’s about my middle daughter, Kara. A few months ago, I let her know that once she hit 16, the allowance train would be coming to a screeching halt. Why, you ask? Because I believe she’s old enough to start earning her own pocket money, whether it’s through a part-time job or even babysitting for our family members. Plus, where’s the harm in learning the value of a hard-earned paycheck and the art of getting along with coworkers?
Now, our family’s got plenty of little ones who are always in need of a babysitter, making it the perfect entry-level job for Kara if she’s not keen on the idea of a part-time gig. Just like I did with my older son, who now proudly works at the local pool, I’m more than willing to lend a helping hand to both of them in the job-hunting department. Heck, I even helped my son spruce up his resume when he asked!
Cut to Kara’s 16th birthday – she’s expecting her regular allowance, only to be met with the news that it’s been retired. Cue the heated argument and accusations of me being a total jerk. Even my husband has hopped on the “give in” bandwagon, but I’m standing my ground.
So, dear internet, here’s where I need your collective wisdom. Am I truly in the wrong for withholding the allowance, or am I just being a responsible parent preparing my daughter for the real world? Share your thoughts, folks – I’m all ears (and slightly frayed nerves)! Let’s hash this out together! 🤔✨ #ParentingWoos #TeenTroubles #AllowanceDrama
NTA. This is a reasonable parenting decision applied equally to your children. Your daughter doesn’t have to like it, but she is wrong to call you a jerk, hence NTA instead of NAH.
NTA – it would not be fair to your son if you didn’t stick to the agreement. Sounds like she should start submitting some applications. Places like fast food usually hire quickly after the interviews.
NTA
You were very clear with your stance and treated your older child the exact same way, so this should not surprise her.
Heaven forbid a 16 year old learn to be responsible with money by earning it herself.
(To be clear, I wouldn’t cut off allowance for my own child, but that’s a difference of opinion. Can’t say either approach is more right.)
NTA. You set expectations, and have stuck to those expectations, and have been consistent in their application, since you did the same thing with the older brother.
If you want nuance in an answer, if you think she is looking for work and is struggling for reasons she cannot control, it might be worth offering to compensate her for volunteering or casual jobs at home to earn that income back. Not chores, mind you, and not things she might have done to earn her allowance previously, but actual jobs: the allowance (which I assume is not equivalent to an actual income) continues if she is actually looking for work, and otherwise doing things with her time that make the world a better place. Join a park clean up. Volunteer as a dog walker with the local pound or rescue. Work with a festival or local event group.
It’s fairly important that her allowance not be an actual income here, since she’s going to want actual money soon and she needs to understand that it comes from work. But I could see my way to continuing a bit of pocket money if she’s actively job hunting and also adding to the community while she’s looking.
NTA. She may never thank you for it, but this is an experience she needs. My parents did this for me as well, and I’ll do the same for my kids when they’re old enough.
I’m not judging your parenting, but it seems like a pretty crappy way to treat your child; “Happy 16th birthday! To celebrate this milestone I’m taking something away from you!”
Not enough info to judge past that without knowing WHY she isn’t working; some kids have more extracurricular activities. Some have more demanding classwork requiring extra study time. Some play sports. I’d rather my kids do any of the above over working a part-time job.
16 is an odd choice, 18 makes more sense to me. I wouldn’t want my kid to lose focus on their education. They have the rest of their lives to work. IMO, children shouldn’t have to work until 18. I make more than enough to support my kid. You do you tho.
Edit: you all don’t have to scramble to justify your choice to me. Idgaf how you raise your kids lol. Mine is grown and fully employed, so I don’t have anything to worry about.
NTA you gave her notice and she has the option to earn money. You’re a good parent for teaching her while she is still under your roof how the real world works!
NTA – She’s old enough to get a part time job and unless she’s doing chores for you, she shouldn’t get another dime of allowance.
It’s good to teach your kids the value of fiscal responsibility when they’re young.
I’m not really sure I’d want someone who isn’t gung-ho about taking care of kids or isn’t trained in first aid to watch my kids, but that’s an aside.
Will family pay her or will this be a “blood is thicker than water” deal?
INFO: Was the allowance earned by doing chores/work? If so, are you now expecting her to perform that work for free?
Based on OP’s answer, since the allowance wasn’t tied to anything, NTA.
NTA
16 is reasonable to get a simple job to get some fun money. You’ve been plenty clear in your expectations. Not sure why she’s surprised
INFO – What age was the first born when you stopped giving them an allowance?
NTA.
16 is a perfectly reasonable age to begin part-time work. (Younger than that is really impractical – most places can’t hire kids younger than that unless they’re “off the books” and that’s not a good idea for anyone.)
OP even gave Kara an easy solution – babysitting for friends/family. She doesn’t even have to find a job.
And work history is something she can put on her college applications in a couple of years.
Sounds like the kid is a little lazy and/or entitled; this is a great way to cure her of that. And if OP did the same with older brother, I’m not sure why Kara would be surprised that this is the expectation.
NTA. Also I think a lot of people commenting Y T A are children themselves because she could literally just babysit one day every two weeks or so. They’re acting like she’s being forced into the work force lol. And I assume you still pay for her necessities and this allowance is for things she wants (jewelry, a pretty top) / her outings?
Edit to add:
I’m a 20 year old college kid and really wished my parents made me get a job for just a few weeks or something. Learning discipline and time management with a job is incredibly more difficult than high school because everything is structured and laid out for you (parents make you food, make you wake up, make you do homework, etc). I struggled a lot my first year in college because so had no such discipline. The only exception I see is if she is in very important clubs / sports that are important for her college admissions and future as very competitive things like that create that discipline anyways
Nta. Working isn’t so bad. The longer she waits the harder it will be.
INFO. Do you provide all her essentials, including clothes if she needs them?
I worked every summer starting at fifteen. I worked fast food and waitressing stuff. I still had fun while working. Often coworkers were at or close to my age, and I made new friends. I could spend my money on whatever I wanted. By the time I graduated highschool I had a work record that put me ahead of every kid who never worked before eighteen.
Even fast food jobs will tell a future employer important stuff like can you show up on time, get along with others, and have a good attendance record. It made all the difference between an employer picking me or some unknown entity that has never worked a day in their life. It’s a good lesson to learn early about how one’s efforts pay off in the future.
Edit: You’re NTA.
I’m going to go the opposite route as a parent of teenagers and say NTA. 16yr olds are old enough to work and there seems to be no shortage of part time jobs out there (if you’re in the U.S.- can’t speak about any other counties).
Our kids have had part time jobs since they were 16. While we still pay for their clothes, food, and necessities, they use the money they make to build their savings, on gas for their car, and to spend on stuff while they are out with their friends.
NTA.
You did the same to your eldest. You would be TA for giving it to her after cutting off eldest.
NTA.
An allowance was something nice, not a has to do it. Your daughter has to learn to cope when things don’t go the way she wants. She needs to learn to rise above and fill the void.Ypu gave her plenty of notice and helpful tips on earning money via babysitting. Sounds like she didn’t expect you to stay true to your word. Which means this is a learning experience to believe someone when they tell you enough. Great job. You aren’t being too much, but enough for her to grow into being an adult. People are saying let them be kids till 18, BS. There are transition periods for each stage of maturing from baby to toddler, to big kid, to teenagers, to adults. To full grown adults, to older adults, to elderly adults. There needs to be a transition stage. 16 is a great start.
My mom did something alike where she made my allowance dependent on me getting a job. (I think from 15 onwards?). So I still go my allowance, but only if I also got a job.
For me it was definitely good to be forced to get a job and learn the value of money (money=time=money=time), and teaching things to their children is what parents should do.
So if you as a parent think she should get a job to learn I think that is good (it is child dependant though). Assuming your husband is her father it is weird you guys didn’t discuss it beforehand.
If she is expected to buy her own clothes/lunch/phone-bill/etc… I think it is fair to pay part of that
uhm, vote NTA personally
NTA. Don’t give in. This is a boundary you laid, you did the same to your older son. If you gave in, your son would then ask for his allowance back. Your daughter can get a job at 16. I got one at 15. It’s good to start working and realize you don’t get your entire paycheck as taxes take up a lot of it. That first check was a shocker!
INFO: What is her involvement at school? I didn’t work until I was 18 because of all the things I was involved with and my school load. I did theater, chorus, color guard for marching band, had a zero period class for dual enrollment in addition to my regular school schedule as well as a couple of AP classes. There were many weeks closer to the opening of shows where I was at the school from 7am-10pm. I had practice for something most days (not til 10 but at least til 6 typically) which barely gave me time to get home, eat, do my schoolwork, and get to bed at a decent time. Weekends were competitions and shows, and Sundays were church for our family both in the morning and evening. If your daughter is highly involved and doesn’t have a ton of time, then YWBTA. If she does nothing but sit around all day, N T A
My question is how is school like for her? Does she have a lot of homework? My thought is that she goes to work, meaning school, then has homework and needs to get a second job in order to have pocket money? Do you have two jobs?
She’s going to work for her entire adult life. Why would you require this at 16? Yta.