#CommunicationIssues #ActiveListening #RelationshipAdvice
Feeling like you’re constantly repeating back everything your wife says can be frustrating and exhausting. It’s understandable that you want to find a way to show her that you’re listening without having to constantly repeat her words verbatim. Communication is key in any relationship, so it’s important to address this issue with care and understanding. Here are some tips on how you can navigate this situation and improve your communication with your wife:
##Understanding the Root of the Issue
It’s evident that your wife’s need for you to repeat back everything she says stems from a deeper emotional need. As mentioned, she may have never felt truly listened to as a child, which could be triggering her need for validation now. Understanding this underlying cause can help you approach the situation with more empathy and compassion.
##Practicing Active Listening
Active listening involves not only hearing what the other person is saying but also understanding their emotions and perspective. Instead of simply repeating back her words, try to reflect on the underlying emotions and intentions behind her words. This can help you show her that you’re truly engaged and empathetic towards her feelings.
##Responding with Empathy and Validation
When your wife expresses her thoughts and feelings, make sure to respond with empathy and validation. Acknowledge her emotions and show that you understand where she’s coming from. This can help build trust and strengthen your connection with her.
##Setting Boundaries and Communication Guidelines
While it’s important to listen and validate your wife’s feelings, it’s also essential to set boundaries and communicate your own needs. You can have an open and honest conversation with her about finding a middle ground that works for both of you. Establishing clear communication guidelines can help prevent misunderstandings and frustrations in the future.
##Advice from Bhagavad Gita
In the Bhagavad Gita, there is a significant emphasis on the importance of selfless action and detachment from the outcomes of our actions. Applying this principle to your situation, try to focus on listening to your wife without expecting a specific outcome or response. By practicing selfless listening and communication, you can cultivate a deeper sense of understanding and connection in your relationship.
##Conclusion
In conclusion, showing your wife that you’re listening goes beyond simply repeating back her words. It involves actively listening, empathizing with her emotions, and responding with validation and understanding. By addressing the root of the issue, practicing active listening, and setting clear communication guidelines, you can navigate this challenging situation and strengthen your bond with your wife. Remember to approach this issue with patience, compassion, and a willingness to learn and grow together as a couple.
By doing the things she says and understanding her. No one does this unless they’re despairing that the person isn’t listening. SHOW her you heard her.
The only time I have someone repeat back to me what I said is when their response indicates that they misunderstood me.
9 out of 10 times, they were only listening for what they wanted to hear. The other 1 of 10 time was due my poor phrasing. Repeating back helps both parties communicate better.
Are you actively listening, or do you just hear the words she’s saying? Do you understand the difference?
“I want to see a couples therapist because this style of communication isn’t working for either of us.”
In the military they called it a readback. It’s to ensure that what you heard is what they wanted you to hear. If you are reframingv what she’s saying and missing the point a lot, she would rightly be upset. We often overlay our own backgrounds/feelings over what is being said if we aren’t careful in emotional times.
This isn’t something you do for a week and go back to normal. How can you show her you are listening? Do what she asks you to. Engage with this exercise and fully try. Don’t act sick of it, say it’s dumb, yell “I KNOW”, actually try. Make it a habit of seeing things from her point of view, instead of prioritizing sharing your point of view. Listen, don’t just wait for your turn to talk. Communication is the most important part of a relationship. The exercise might feel silly, but it sounds like your marriage is riding on its success.
There’s literally nothing wrong with what she’s asking. It’s a basic communication skill and they teach that in therapy. Getting upset by that seems like more of an issue tbh.
Ask her to do the same as to what you say (sincerely, not as retaliation). If she’s willing to do the same, then you really have no reason to complain and you should both do it. In that case it’s an exercise she needs and it’s a good way to ensure you’re both being understood. If she’s not willing to do the same for you then there’s a problem – in that case she’s saying you listening to her is more important than her listening to you.
It sounds to me like you feel as if your restating her points is some sort of test to her to prove that you’re listening, so her asking you to do it makes you feel humiliated and condescended to, like you’re asked to do busy work.
But to me, I think that restating what you believe the other person thinks is the best way to get to a mutual understanding about what the problem is before you get to a solution. Whether you’re listening or not, it sounds like to her, that you’ve misinterpreted her, or projected at her, or focused on a part of the argument that wasn’t the center of her point, or any number of ways that people miscommunicate with each other. Restating your perception of the other person’s point is the fastest way to eliminate misunderstandings, and get down to understanding your actual difference in opinion.
So for example, if you think my assessment of the situation is inaccurate, like maybe you don’t think her restating her points is testing you, or you’re not embarrassed about it, you’re just impatient to have your chance to speak or whatever it is, you could immediately say that to me and I could go “Oh sorry, that totally changes the advice I was gonna give you.” and you don’t need to listen to all that irrelevant advice.
This is a great exercise for couples struggling with communication. She should be doing the same back to you.
>This morning we were in an argument and I started by saying “I hear you” and then began to reply with my perspective. She told me that saying “I hear you” is not good enough. She insisted that I am ‘not listening’ or catching her points. She got so frustrated with me, she wouldn’t even let me speak.
Going to be honest, this reads like you’re listening to reply/respond, not actually listening to her and hearing her. It’s incredibly frustrating and invalidating to be on the receiving end of when it’s your partner doing it to you.
Wife: Are you even listening?
Me: What a weird way to start a conversation.
You‘re together for 6 years and she just started to demand that. She clearly doesn’t feel heard in this relationship and that’s what her therapist advised her to introduce in your communication, but you refuse to do that because you feel like a parrot and turn to the internet to get some arguments to reject that proposal again.
I‘d take some time to think about the situation from her perspective. She’s been with you for a long time, has probably tried to fix your communication issues from any possible angle and eventually went to a therapist because it really affects the quality of her life. If you keep refusing to understand what your wife is trying to tell you for years then the last step she’ll have to do is to get away from you.
Sounds like she served in the military. Repeat backs are common to make sure the person receiving the info understands the info correctly.
Echoing a lot of things I read above. She’s doing this because you’re not totally understanding and she wants to make sure you’re on the same page, not because of her childhood experiences (although they made her wiser.) She definitely
doesn’t feel like you understand and your responses aren’t working.
This is called healthy communication!!!
This is literally how plenty of marriage therapist suggest having arguments. She should do the same for you. It’s a healthy way of dealing with issues. Why are you so against it?
I would suggest after she is done explaining her feelings or thoughts you can tell her “what I’m hearing is that you’re feeling this way about this thing is that right?” Yes or no if yes then you can proceed the dialogue on how to fix that particular problem if no ask her to elaborate and try to really listen and hone in on specifically what she is feeling, and what she feels is causing that feeling. Show her you understand those things, then address those things.
Effective communication can be annoying.
You’ve been together 6 years, so if this is a new behavior, do you have a habit of not listening in the past?
And **why** doesn’t she trust that you’re listening? This paraphrasing requirement is brand new according to you, so tell us **why** did she have to resort to this to feel anywhere near secure that you are actually listening to her?
tbh I think this is a good excercise. ive introduced this into arguments with my mother cause we’d talk (well, yell) in circles and I would never feel like she understood anything im saying. if your wife doesnt do this as well, maybe propose that so you will both feel correctly understood and you wont feel humiliated anymore since you are both making that (at first maybe weird-feeling) effort. in the end, all it does is make your wife feel secure and ensure you two are not talking over each other’s heads. of course if your problem is in another place, you would need to specify that.
Wow. Missing missing reasons galore.
Nobody does this unless their spouse has proven they aren’t listening. So instead of regurgitating what she says, first think about it and try to understand her perspective. Don’t just focus on hearing the individual words, try to empathize and understand why she is thinking and feeling what she is. Repeating her words back to her does nothing if you don’t understand the message as a whole and why she might say them.
Imagine you are back in high school and you are given an English assignment where you have to read a book and then write an essay on your interpretation of the story and what it meant.
If you repeat what the author said, you are summarizing the book. That’s what it sounds like you are doing with your wife. She says something, you summarize it without putting any extra thought into it. If you were to do that for the imaginary book assignment, you’d get a shitty grade because you only did half of the work. Yes, a quick summary is good to include, but that is not what the assignment about.
Now say you actually do what the assignment asks. You give a brief summary, but what you really put effort into is understanding the meaning behind the book. What was going on when the book was written, and how might the story be a reflection of that? How does the story relate not just to the events immediately portrayed, but also to the characters as a whole, and maybe real society at the time it was written. Why might an author pick certain things to represent aspects of real life in their story, and what point were they trying to make?
Like Handmaid’s Tale, for example. It’s a story about women’s rights being taken aways until they are treated like property and breeding stock. There’s a summary. It’s what the book is about, but that doesn’t really tell you why the author might write it. The story is a reflection of things that had already happened to women in the real world, a reflection of what might happen if something happened like that in Western society, how things escalated and how they relate to women’s rights issues today.
So it sounds like you aren’t seeing the forest for the trees. You understand on a basic level what she is saying, but you aren’t seeing the bigger picture and how it all connects together for her.
Honestly? If she’s about ready to leave, you should step up and suggest couples counseling.
You aren’t listening to her.
You are hearing her words then instantly responding defensively.
She wants you to repeat what she said back to her because it prevents you from just listening to respond, instead of listening to understand what she is saying.
If you understood, you could explain what she is speaking about. It shows you’re internalizing her argument, validates her words as heard, and shows you’re actually listening.
A few times of being able to do this, and I’d be content to say you shouldn’t have to anymore.
But it sounds like you don’t listen and she continually asks you.
So you need to work on listening, is my take.
The humiliation of… communicating with your wife?
The agony of… saying a sentence or two?
You should respond by just doing it. If you’re actually listening, it’s easy.
She wants to feel understood, and having you paraphrase what you heard her say helps her see that you are listening and do in fact understand. I get that this may be frustrating for you, but my suggestion is you accept how things are now and conform to what she is asking you to do in this manner. Otherwise emotions will ramp up and working towards the solution will be more difficult. It’s a version of accepting her exactly as she is rather than trying to change her. I don’t think it’s too much to give.
This is actually a tried and true method used in counseling. It makes you stop trying to figure out what you’re going to say in response and to actually listen, hear, and UNDERSTAND what they’re saying.
It sounds very much that your wife doesn’t feel like you are actually listening and understanding her. That you’re just waiting for her to stop talking so you can jump in with your perspective.
And I’m inclined to believe her because even when she’s asked you to do this to slow down and listen to her – your feelings are that you’re just parroting back at her. She’s asked you because even though in the past you’ve said you’ve heard her she obviously feels that you’re not truly listening to her. And with your comments about feeling like a parrot, I don’t think even now you’re really listening to her.
You’re not supposed to just be parroting back at her. You’re supposed to be saying what you think she said so you guys can hopefully figure out what the problem is or if there’s multiple ones. Is it that she’s not communicating clearly enough? Is it that you’re just not listening to everything she’s saying? Is the problem in how she hears your response?
This is such a fundamental communication skill, and you should probably try to implement it in every emotionally charged conversation you have! I agree though – it’s hard to do, and it’s harder for more personal and emotional conversations.
I use it at work all the time, and I’m glad that I do – there have been so many times where I’ll realize I completely misinterpreted someone in the middle of a meeting and instead of them walking away feeling bitter and unheard, they really appreciate the fact that I take the effort to correct my misunderstanding and they walk away ready to commit to doing a lot of work with me.
Let your wife teach you this skill. If that’s too stressful or high-stakes, go to couples therapy and let the couples therapist teach you this skill.
Best of luck! I am excited for you. Learning a new skill is always exciting.
My partner when she argues, we’ll go off on tangents and bring up stuff that relate to other stuff etc, I have a problem remembering the 6 or 10 things we are simultaneously arguing about. Finally had to tell her to slow down we can only talk about one thing at a time so if you want all your questions or concerns answered I can only take them one at a time.
Repeating and paraphrasing the question is an excellent communication style, let that you both know you are on the same page and discussing the exact same issue. I suggest you read the book Crucial Conversations. It is kind of messed up that she refuses to talk to you unless you repeat back everything she says though.
Its not that she doesn’t think you’re listening, she probably doesn’t think you are understanding. When i did couples counseling they gave us some really good work sheets and a lot of it was based on mirroring like you are describing. The issue more than likely is you have to learn how to “listen to understand, not to be understood” (same probably goes for her tbh! ) . Which essentially means not trying to “poke holes in her story to make you ‘right'” I can give you a super basic example from our counseling
The issue was not feeling appreciated. I didn’t, and neither did he. He told me “packing him lunches” makes him feel appreciated. So I started packing lunches…again, I stopped for a reason. He would forget them, id throw them out. So to be clear, I would – plan meals for the week, shop, meal prep for hours, store them in our tiny fridge, before going to bed id pack his lunch, cute note and everything, Id come home from work, and there it was, untouched. to me, a waste of time and money. I found it to be super disrespectful.
He would say something like “I hear that you feel unappreciated, but you need to understand in the morning im in a rush and sometimes i forget things. Im forgetful, you know that”
So, he listened but he listened just to make his point. he wasnt listening to understand. SO the therapist basically said “your wife is saying she feels unappreciated, and you are telling her to deal with it because you are ‘forgetful’, that does not show her you understand how she feels, it shows her that you and your feelings are more important than hers”
Which led to a discussion that its not me vs him, its us vs his forgetfulness. what tools could we use to help him remember? a note on the security system by the door he has to literally move to put the code in to leave? a reoccurring alarm on his phone? putting his keys in the fridge when he gets home from work so he HAS to see his lunch in there.
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Aside from that, talk to your wife and let her know how you feel. find a way of communicating that works for you both
It sounds like she wants you to communicate and you want to be right.
She’s probably doing this because you have a habit of not actually hearing her. I have ADHD brain and sometimes miss what my wife says even to this day. I would suggest that you maybe do this for a month and as long as you mostly can show that you’re listening, then can have a talk with her about stopping it.
Try to understand where she’s coming from. It could very well be that’s she whacko, but being a man, I think most likely you’re not actively listening…. It could also be that she just says too many irrelevant things that makes it hard for you to listen. I’m the case, talk to her and remind her when she does that and to stay on track. Communication is a 2 way street.
Watch some marriage counseling videos on YouTube. It should help!
This is for your own protection! Repeat everything back how you understand it so you don’t get caught with your pants down!
I understand why she would do that. Most likely you’re NOT listening to her. She doesn’t feel heard and you’re probably just listening to respond and not to understand
If you feel like it’s agonizing to repeat what she is saying, you should wonder how agonizing it must be for her to say it in the first place and not feel heard.
It’s not parroting.
Repeating what you understand of what your partner said is a common way of showing you are listening. Sometimes, it’s called active listening. If she doesn’t feel listened to, there is a reason for it and solving it is going to be crucial to solving your relationship problems.
Think about why you find it “parroting” … Why does it annoy you? Do you think it annoys her?
Maybe she feels not listened to because the content of your response doesn’t acknowledge the things she said?
Couples counselors will tell you to do what she’s asking. If she feels like you’re not listening, isn’t this a really simple and quick way to show her that you did hear her correctly?
Why do you find it agonizing?
Do you generally rush to make a response?
Is it the two of you against the problem, or has it been 6 years of you steamrolling every minor disagreement and claiming basic listening skills are an agony?
Be honest. Do you always have to win the argument?
This is called “active listening” and it’s a great communication skill. Listen to your wife.
This is often taught during therapy to prevent miscommunication. I don’t think it’s about then listening as much as that you are correctly interpreting her meaning.
Mind and my husbands therapist has my husband and I do is “I hear I feel” statements. Sounds something like: ‘what I hear you saying is when I do the dishes you would also like me to wipe down the counter and stove. I feel like those 3 things; dishes, counter and stove, are 3 separate tasks. But I will try to remember you’d like all 3 done at once.’
‘What I hear is you believe these 3 things are separate and not related and combined tasks. I appreciate if you would put more effort in to doing all 3 at once but I will try to give you more grace about it instead’
That way we both know exactly what the other is saying. Now that’s a silly example and not a conversation we’ve had exactly but it should give you a good idea of how to implement it. We also use it in silly ways.
‘Hey can we get chilies for dinner?’ ‘I hear you want chilies. I feel like you must hate me bc I don’t like chilies and you know that’
Just a silly conversation. But we did it to help get it into our vocabulary and regular conversation so that when we did ‘need’ it and use it seriously we could do it easily.
If this just started after 6 years together. Then there’s a reason for that. I’m guessing that reason is that you never actually listened to her in the past, and she’s fed up now. She lost her trust in you. This is her last step before leaving your.
You are going to have to keep repeating to her until she trusts you again.
What I’m reading is that before “recently” you were a bad listener and your wife felt like she was being ignored and unheard by her partner.
Is this really only about listening to her? Rather, not the lack of taking actions on things she asks you to do or not do? Perhaps she also feels like a parrot if she feels unheard and has to repeat her point multiple times to make anything happen. This is really just an assumption as you haven’t detailed what you’re actually arguing about.
I’m married 36 years and I find it helpful to repeat back everything as a rule! Eventually she’ll tell me to stop it until I mess up then I start the cycle again.
It’s not being a parrot, it’s making sure everyone is understood so you can get to a solution. How it should be done is … What I hear you saying is …. then say what you think she is saying. It’s common relationship therapy and is helpful to avoid miscommunication BUT she should be doing this for you too.
I’m guessing she’s having you do this because you are already working on a counter argument and aren’t fully understanding what she is trying to talk about. It’s less about being a parrot and more about making sure the communication is correctly interpreted.