Are you struggling to communicate the intensity of your emotions to your partner when they seem oblivious to your hard work? Feeling overwhelmed by their lack of appreciation for your efforts? Wondering how to bridge the gap and convey the seriousness of your feelings effectively? Let’s discuss ways to address this situation and strengthen your relationship. #communicationissues #relationshipstruggles #expressingemotions #partnersupport #workinghard #marriagechallenges
Ask him why he needs to know? does he feel there is some inequality? and if so perhaps we should talk about that rather than you trying to determine what you’ve been doing and make his own judgements based on your reponse or how he percieves things?
That is some bullshit. Maternity leave is for recovery and bonding. It is batshit crazy to me that you have a newborn and you are spending what little down time you have cleaning your damn car. The car can wait. The dishes and laundry can wait. You need to go easy on yourself or you’ll burn out.
If my husband tried to account for my *productivity* shortly after building and birthing our child I would have raised so much hell our asses would be on the news.
It wasn’t innocent, he wanted the dishes done and didn’t like that you took the initiative to do something else.
I don’t have a fix for you, it’s a pressure point, and he tapped it indelicately.
I’d honestly buy a stop sign to hold up when he pulls that shit, but that’s bad advice. It would only make things worse.
“What have you been doing the last 20 minutes” is really “Why haven’t you done what I wanted in the last 20 minutes”.
You don’t owe him a SITREP. (Situation report)
Oftentimes abusers wait until they have a woman under the thumb before they start their bullshit.
I’m wondering how the work will be done and by whom once you get back to work. I’m pretty sure your husband “knows how” to do whatever needs to be done house-wise and can see it just as well as you do.
So you need to start making an actual list on paper and then you show him what you do all day and tell him if he ever asks again, you will be asking for a divorce because for him to keep asking that implies he thinks you don’t do enough.
No it’s not an overreaction, that “question” devalues you. You are valid and you do a lot!!! You may want to reconsider your choice in husband
Have you told him how very much you resent him asking you this question? I would tell him that it hurts your feelings for one, and be honest that it’s happened so much with him that when he does leave the room for several minutes, you are automatically starting to compile lists of what you’ve been doing in case he asks this of you again. Even if you had been doing nothing, you’re allowed to do nothing once in a while and thus, this has to stop. Therefore, you are going to start giving him a great deterrent to stop asking you. From now on, whenever he asks, you are going to give him the first rude answer you can think of so he learns to not do it.
Some sample answers you could give him are:
* Picking my nose and smearing the boogers on your pillow.
* Spitting in your drink
* Peeing on your clean clothes
* Running out and smearing poop in the air vents of his car
* Stuffing his lunch bag/briefcase/work bag with dirty diapers
If he comes back at you with, “I’m doing so much and you’re not!” or “I was just asking!” tell him that you were growing a whole human being for almost ten months, and then you gave birth/had abdominal surgery where they had to cut through your abdominal muscles to get the baby out, and since then, while recovering from that, you have also been taking care of a newborn. Your hormones aren’t even going to be back to normal for a few more months. Any downtime you’ve taken has been sorely needed and he needs to fix his attitude. He may be tired now that the baby’s here, but you absolutely have dibs on being exhausted so he needs to stop questioning you about what you’re doing. If he won’t, I think you have two options. One is to do nothing other than what you must for the baby. Do absolutely nothing else. No cleaning up of messes, no cooking except for yourself, no cleaning, not even after you’ve cooked meals just for yourself. Do nothing. Then he will find out exactly how much you do. The other option is for him to have no clue as to what you’re doing when he doesn’t see you because you will be taking a vacation from him. Then either take the baby with you or leave the baby with him while you go spend some time elsewhere, whether it’s a hotel or with friends or family.
I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. You deserve better. The fact that he’s done this to you so much that you are automatically tracking what you’re doing and making a mental list to answer him is appalling.
Hell no.
I would lose it if anyone demanded that I justify every minute of my day, like I’m their fucking EMPLOYEE?????
He’s awful. Reconsider whether you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life – while you raise his children!!!
The nerve….
>He has asked me this question many times before, to the point where I make a mental list of things I accomplish in case he asks.
This isn’t curiosity.
If you want to be petty, I would be texting him every five minutes of what you’re doing for the entire day.
4 am – just letting you know I’m up with the baby right now!
6 am – up with the baby again in case you need to know
7:30 am – just made coffee because I’m dying from lack of sleep, fyi
8 am – just unloaded the dishwasher and sanitized all the baby bottles
8:27 am – just fed the baby again and changed her diaper, it smelled horrible
8:39 am – so glad I finally got to eat something after being up for an hour already!
9:32 am – walked the dogs
9:45 am – just put a load of laundry in because I know how much you care!
And I would just not even respond to any of his texts or comments, just a constant report of everything you do in a day. Didn’t he need to know what you were doing for the last twenty minutes???? Pure, malicious compliance.
And if he starts to walk his shit back (which he should, if he knows what’s good for him), this is a good reminder of the amount of shit that you do in a day and what will need to be accomplished *when you are back at work*. He thinks it’s hard now? Buddy better buckle in.
>He has asked me this question many times before, to the point where l’ve started making mental lists of things I accomplish in case he asks
So, translating; he has made it so you walk on eggshells. That is abuse.
If he say his intention wasn’t accusatory but was curiosity ask him why was he curious? What did he think you have been doing. If you were sitting down for 20 minutes before starting the dishes is that a bad thing?
Is he feeling that he doing more than his share?
Division of chores and labour around the home often reaches a sore point once kids come around. They add massive amount of work – much of it unseen to the partner who doesn’t give birth, on top of everything else this needed to get done.
Before kids unequal workloads can be managed without feeling overwhelming. But with 2 parents working and home life and chores it’s best to talk about it. Your husband may be blind, unaware, etc.
I had a few come to Jesus moments when we had our kids….and needed to step up. It requires communication though.
And maybe he hasn’t had the best role models at home, when growing up, for this part of the relationship. Take it easy on eachother. Y’all on the same team.
What he should have said is, “here, let me take the baby and feed her and put her to bed. You need to sit down and relax and take 20 minutes at least for yourself. Yes, I know there are chores like laundry and dishes that pile up if WE don’t do them, so after I get her to bed and you’ve relaxed, we can work together for 15 minutes to do those things. If you don’t feel up to it, I’ll work for 30 before I come to bed.”
“Oh, you know, just scratching my ass for 20 minutes, wondering about marital asset division laws.”
Followed by
“Never ask me that again. You’re done asking me that goddamn question.”
People only notice housework when it hasn’t been done, so stop doing it completely and he’ll get it.
You might consider getting a cleaner for when you go back to work.
Definitely keep your job!! You always need independence.
It’s normal and natural to feel burned out at this stage of your child’s life. I’m sorry you feel unsupported and I hope you can find time for self care which is absolutely critical to being the best mom you can be.
When he says he doesn’t understand why you are angry, I would say this: “I am angry because your question implies a lack of awareness or appreciation for the sheer amount of work I do around here. I am also angry because your question implies that I should always be working, as if I don’t have a right to just sit and decompress for 20 minutes, or just have a moment for self-care.”
You have one of 3 possible problems with your husband, which is hard to tell from your story. The first and easiest one is that your husband values you and recognizes how much you do, but the way he speaks to you causes resentment and he needs to be more tactful and expressively supportive. Instead of asking a question that implies you’re lazy, ask it in a way that expresses concern for how much you’ve done in the last 20 minutes. “Wow have you been running around? Sorry is there something other than the dishes I can help out with right now to ease your anxiety?”
The second possibility is that he THINKS he’s doing half the work but he’s actually doing way, way less than that. Maybe a refrigerator list or some other way to show him visually how much needs to be done, and how it is being allocated to you versus him? Get him to really understand that a bottle at night and the dishes isn’t half the work.
The last possibility is that he knows you do more and he doesn’t care, he just feels put out to do what he does. This one, you have to figure out why. Does he feel micromanaged to the point he has no motivation to do tasks you’re just going to re-do anyway? (Your statement that the dishes is one of the few things he knows how to do suggests this, a little bit.) Or is he a misogynist who thinks these jobs are inherently a woman’s? Is he selfish and narcissistic? Or just unaware of how to run a household, and not interested in learning?
Get a sense of the actual problem so you can work up a solution. But in the interim, don’t ask-just take- the self-care you need. Don’t feel guilty about that, and don’t let your feelings of guilt turn into anger at your husband because you have a hard time giving yourself permission for self care.
Next time he asks tell him every cell in your body is fighting to rebuild your insides from carrying a freaking life inside you for 9months and if that’s not enough work for him he can trying carrying a flipping mattress to the damn living room. Damn these men ain’t shit.
Man I feel this rage.
It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot right now, and it’s completely valid to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Your feelings are important, and it’s essential to communicate them to your husband in a way that conveys the severity of the situation without minimizing your emotions.
It’s clear that you’re juggling a lot, from caring for your newborn to managing household chores and preparing to return to work soon. Your husband may not fully understand the extent of your responsibilities and the toll it’s taking on you, especially if he’s not actively involved in every aspect of caregiving and housework.
When discussing this with your husband, try to approach the conversation calmly and assertively. Express how his question made you feel and the impact it had on you, emphasizing that you’re not just upset about one instance but about a pattern of behavior that makes you feel unappreciated and overwhelmed.
You might also explain to him the mental and emotional load that comes with managing household tasks and caring for a newborn, especially while balancing a demanding job. Help him understand that even though he may not see everything you do, it’s essential for him to acknowledge and appreciate your contributions.
Additionally, it could be helpful to establish clearer communication about household responsibilities and expectations, so both of you are on the same page moving forward. Consider setting aside regular time to discuss and plan tasks together, ensuring that both partners feel valued and supported in the relationship.
Remember, it’s okay to ask for support and understanding from your partner, especially during challenging times like this. Seeking couples counseling could also be beneficial in addressing underlying issues and improving communication within your marriage. You deserve to feel appreciated and respected for all that you do.
MENTAL LOAD IS REAL AND ONLY BENEFITS THE PATRIARCHY
You deserve to be treated better, whether it’s husband recognizing more around the house, and allowing yourself to sit down and rest without feeling blamed for not ‘doing enough’
YOU DESERVE BETTER
So he’s monitoring your productivity output? To make sure you’re working at top efficiency because he’s spent a few minutes parenting?
Yikes, don’t let this slide. Even if you were sitting on your ass for 20 minutes to catch a break, so what? He’s not your boss. And wtf is wrong with him that an adult man can’t do basic chores other than dishes? Sounds like he’s trying to neg you into doing more than your fair share.
Does he expect you to fill out time sheets? This feels really weird?
I would honestly start answering that question with the most silly answers I could think of, in the hopes it would show him how silly the question is. ‘What have you done the last 15 minutes’,
-well I was abducted by aliens and went to mars, but I told them I had to be home by 8.
– I just baked the best cake I ever made and fully ate it too, so sorry you missed out.
– I’ll have my secretary write you a report, they’ll get back to you within 5 business days.
That type of humor usually works in my relationship and we both apreciate it, and it sometimes makes us aware of our own silly behavior. However, I don’t know your husband and I don’t know how serious or argumentative he is, and whether it will make things actually worse. So please be careful if it doesn’t feel safe, because I do think it’s a bit of a red flag.
Next time, don’t do anything while he is feeding the baby. When he asks, tell him you were resting.
My partner only notices the things I DON’T do, never all the cleaning and washing I DO do, I think he thinks the house always stays clean by itself like magic.
“Not a fucking thing. Any questions?”
God, some of the comments are clearly unhinged. Here is what I’ll say: you’re BOTH in a period of huge transformation – how to be parents and how that affects your relationship. It’s the perfect time to check what’s working or work on your skills as a team.
It may be your own exhaustion talking because flipping out over a question is not a healthy response (no judgement, you’re literally doing the most), and he’s only got a window into your day to day if he asks. You may feel like he’s checking up on you, so you probably need to talk to him about it because “What have you been doing all day?” isn’t “Why are you so lazy?”. I’ve seen many of my pals who are new moms/pregnant who have gotten defensive over small things.
So, chat with him about how you’re feeling, “I feel underappreciated and undervalued when you say…” You may want to make some proactive arrangements before you go to work because that’s a whole new ball game. Good luck 🤞
How long has he been doing this? Did it start before or after the baby came? Is it always phrased with a measure of time included?
What would happen if you answer that you’ve been doing nothing? Has that happened?
Have you had the time for yourself during postpartum? Sleep in, walk, coffee with a friend, just tv/book/bath?
Tell him to Google “weaponised incompetence” and “mental load” and “second shift for women”. And if he doesn’t grow the fack up right now and start being an adult, you want a divorce because then you’ll only have to take care of one baby instead of two.
I took to listing in minute detail EVERY BLOODY THING I DID….. including the massive achievements of when I had time to wee or poo (yep, separated them out cause 1 takes longer) and what the kids did while I was on the toilet – breastfed, cried, went potty too.
If I had to vacuum 3 times in one day because kids… that was listed.
If I had 5 minutes to myself, I listed that.
Look, so many men are children… esp when theirs come along. They are no longer your main focus, and they truely don’t see what isn’t (and some times what is) done in front of them.
The text messages are a pain in the arse, but they do get your point across
I sent him an itemized list every 5-10 minutes. Yes he said to stop, he understood. I didn’t.
Also, what would be wrong if you chose to do NOTHING for 20 min. Everyone needs breaks, especially new mothers!
There’s information out there about the “hidden” burden on mothers that is very similar to what you touched on in your post. You did what you considered miscellaneous work because it just would not have occurred to your husband to do this let alone have the skill set to know what to do if he did think (or let’s be honest, was told). This includes things like doctors appointments, particularly the ones that are age related (due this jab, must be weighed at this age, application for this nursery, etc…. And all the research and information to process that comes with this – nobody knows automatically what to do).
The onus is on him now as a parent to get educated on this and start learning these things that you do automatically. It’s consideration and it’s something that he is severely lacking. The two of you could look through the material that’s out there and have a good conversation about fairness and partnership. It’s not good enough if he comes back with “but I work!”. Maternity leave / sah parent can be a 24hr, 7 day week full time job if not split fairly and it will just result in burn out and resentment and no good relationship can survive that.
“I swear, if you ask me that fucking question again, I am leaving you with the baby and going to my mom’s/best friend’s/sister’s/fill in the blank. I don’t care if you understand why it is rude or not. I have told you before to stop asking me that shit.”
Maybe he should start telling you what he’s doing every minute of the day.