#Parenting #CopingWithLoss #Mistakes #FamilyStruggles #ParentingChallenges
When it comes to being a parent, dealing with losses indirectly attributable to your kids can be incredibly challenging. Whether it’s a ruined dinner, a broken item, or any other mishap, it can be emotionally taxing, especially when it happens on top of your own mistakes. So, how do parents cope with these situations and move forward? Let’s explore some strategies and helpful tips for navigating through these difficult moments.
Understanding the Emotions Involved 😔
When something goes wrong as a result of your child’s actions, it’s natural to experience a range of emotions. You might feel frustrated, disappointed, or even angry. It’s important to acknowledge and validate these feelings, but also remember that it’s a part of the parenting journey. Recognizing the emotions involved can help you process and cope with the situation more effectively.
Examples and Scenarios 📝
Let’s take a look at some common scenarios where parents might experience losses indirectly attributable to their kids:
– Ruined meals or food items, as in the case of the steak incident mentioned earlier
– Broken belongings or accidental damage to property
– Financial losses due to mishaps or carelessness
– Emotional stress and strain from parenting challenges
– Missed opportunities or setbacks caused by children’s actions
– Any other situation where a parent’s plans or expectations are derailed by their child’s actions
Strategies for Coping and Moving Forward 🌱
Now that we’ve identified the emotions and scenarios involved, let’s delve into some effective strategies for coping with losses indirectly attributable to your kids:
1. Practice Patience and Understanding
– Understand that children are still learning and developing, and mishaps are part of their growth process
– Take a deep breath and try to approach the situation with patience and understanding
2. Communication and Teaching Moments
– Use the experience as a teaching moment to communicate the impact of the loss and how to prevent it in the future
– Encourage open communication and problem-solving with your child to prevent similar incidents
3. Focus on Solutions, Not Blame
– Instead of placing blame, focus on finding solutions and preventing similar situations in the future
– Work together as a family to come up with strategies for avoiding losses and mishaps
4. Practice Gratitude and Perspective
– Shift your focus to gratitude for the moments that matter most, despite the losses or setbacks
– Keep perspective and remind yourself of the bigger picture in your parenting journey
5. Self-Care and Support Systems
– Take time for self-care and seek support from friends, family, or parenting groups
– It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, and reaching out for support can help you navigate through these challenges
Moving Forward with Resilience and Growth 🌟
While coping with losses indirectly attributable to your kids can be tough, it’s important to remember that these experiences also contribute to resilience and growth, both for you and your children. By practicing patience, communication, and gratitude, you can navigate through these moments with a sense of understanding and resilience.
In the end, parenting is a journey filled with unexpected twists and turns. Learning to cope with losses and mistakes, whether your own or indirectly attributable to your kids, is all part of the process. As you navigate through these challenges, remember that you’re not alone, and there are always strategies and support systems to help you along the way. Stay strong, and keep moving forward with love and understanding for yourself and your children.
one problem at a time.
They cry in the shower so no one sees. Not a joke.
“Be here now” a Ram Dass mantra that I will say to myself when I’m in a situation like this.
It is over, there is nothing that can be done about it. You can waste your breath screaming at an innocent child who simply made a mistake, making them feel upset and worthless, which can also have a lasting impact on their confidence in the future… or, you stay in the moment and tell yourself “it’s just a steak” or “its just a [insert word]” and know that your relationship with your kid is far more important. A year from now, a month from now, or even just a day from now you will have forgotten about the steak, but your child may never forget how you made them feel about their mistake regarding the steak.
Tell them it’s ok, give them a hug, and move on from it.
Some just inflict lifelong psychological damage on the kids, that evens things up
Have a cry, dust yourself off and keep going
this reminds me of the time my then 1st grader spent $300 on in app purchases on my mom’s iPad while I was trying to save up for the deposit and first months rent on an apartment.
you just die a little inside and then keep it pushin.
I have a neurodivergent kid who sometimes does things they’ll regret once they have calmed down. In the moment, I ensure health and safety: then I deal with anyone crying. My kid is sad that something bad happened *even if they did it*. I commiserate with them and give them a cuddle.
I try very hard to control myself and deal with their problems, not mine. I’m a big boy, I’ll keep. It would not make me feel better to yell at the child. I have literally tried that and it didn’t work. What does make me feel better is comforting them about the bad thing that, their take, happened to them. Genuinely, it makes me feel better. It also makes them feel better. It reduces our total aggregate sadness. And it’s good for them to see me deal with emotions like an adult. And they don’t need me to tell them I’m angry. They know I am at least sad and probably a bit angry. Why hurt both of us getting performatively mad?
And then I make whatever change I need to help make sure that next time I’m not susceptible to my kid doing that.
I’m having a hard time seeing the child’s culpability. The mom knows the dog is poorly trained. The sink is for washing hands. The mom disappears. The dog takes the food off the counter. Wise up, people, and accept the blame, do not place this sort of blame on your children.
Ideally they’d learn from their mistakes. In this case:
1. If you have something expensive lying around, tell your kids to leave it alone. If you know they won’t, you should do a better job at raising them, but in that moment, just don’t leave the thing lying around, then.
1. Train your dogs. I could go take a nap in another room with a steak dinner on a plate on the floor and my dogs wouldn’t touch it. In that moment, knowing you have a dog who will take food at will walking around, don’t leave a steak sitting around unattended.
We take deep breaths, maybe step away for a little while to calm down, and remember that they are children and people who make mistakes sometimes , but also need love and understanding from their parents.
They’re more important than streak or dishes or the carpet or the garage door. They need love and understanding, not growing up being screamed at because of things.
I probably would have eaten the dog.
So, not a parent, but a firm believer in the ideas of “don’t sweat the small stuff” and “everyone is trying their best.”
Their best might not be what you want, it might not even be good, but they are trying and are not deliberately out to get you. Honest mistakes happen and often it’s not worth getting worked up about, especially when it’s all over.
When I was growing up we were super poor. A 2 liter bottle of soda was a very rare treat. One week my mom splurged and bought us a 2 liter of some generic brand. I was so excited that I took the bottle out of the fridge and must have shaken it. It exploded and what was left was flat. The memory of how horrible I felt for my mom and my brother that I destroyed this rare treat still sits with me to this day 40 years later. My mom did her best to play it off and even got us another one but I felt too bad to drink it. I’m starting to tear up just thinking about it.
My mother yelled at me viciously when I got the last toilet paper roll wet and we couldn’t afford more. Over 30 years ago yet I remember it vividly and still hate her…not just for that though.
You just don’t have nice things for a few years tbh.
My oldest son threw rocks and hit the neighbors car when he was like 6.
Cost us $500, which we didn’t have.
Didn’t pay the bills we could get away with that month.
…The steak was just…sitting in the sink? Like, in its packaging, surely. Nobody would be so gross as to lay raw meat just right there on the surface of the sink or countertop, right?
I generally just try and find the humor in the situation. My kids have done some mind-boggling stupid stuff over the years. One threw a toy and accidentally hit my face, which badly scratched my glasses. It became a story to tell.
You laugh. It’s ridiculous, and the best option is to laugh it off and tell the story for years. Raising kids is difficult, a steak is just a steak.
If you have a dog it should be trained, but especially a dog as large as a mastiff needs to be trained not to counter surf. If your dog is a counter surfer you either don’t step away, learn to take the L, or crate them. But especially with kids in the house a dog that large needs training.
You cry. It’s a lot of crying. Parenting is hard, it’s not always fun, and it’s definitely never fucking glamorous. We’re raising humans and it is an ugly-at-times job… there’s a reason why people with kids don’t generally want to hear it from people without, there is a hard, HARD barrier there.
You build a lot of resilience.
Shit happens.
Reminds me of my son’s brand new bike I’d saved up for. Pinched on the first day because he left it outside the house
How I SHOULD deal with it: I saw a video just yesterday where a mom said the best mom advice she ever received, that was life-changing for her and her family, was to frame everything as “I love you more than.” E.g., kid breaks a plate, “I love you more than I liked that plate.” So here, “I love you more than I wanted that steak.” It reinforces the unconditional-love thing even while acknowledging the loss.
Realistically? I think I would not yell at the kid because I still very distinctly remember *being* the kid yelled at after making a similar mistake, but I would probably express my dismay more than I perhaps should. I think I would try not to place blame even in the moment (again, because I was that kid and it still hurts to this day) but I could see myself crying out, “oh NO!! Oh I wish that hadn’t happened, I was looking forward to that” while stopping short of saying, “Kid, how could you be so careless, now look what you did!”
My parents just hated us and told us we should’ve been abortions. 😃
This case sounds more like the pets fault than the child’s fault, but in any case you kind of treat it like a natural disaster. Sometimes things happen and it’s no one’s fault.
We hide and we cry because ultimately they are all our mistakes. For your example I would blame myself for leaving a steak unattended in a house with children and a dog.
I always just come up with a system to prevent it from happening next time. That’s kind of all you can do.
Honestly this is why I don’t have dogs. It’s so nice not constantly having to assume any food on the counter is going to disappear if I turn my back. And so nice not having random loud barking in the house because our neighbor decided to take out her trash, or because a squirrel is in the yard.
Kids are going to make mistakes. I just remember that it’s coming from a place of ignorance, and react the way I’d want my boss to react to me if I screwed up.
Well if you’re my mom, you bring it up every month or so for 15 years
I have five kids, prevention is the key. I don’t buy anything that I’m not willing to take out back and set on fire. All of my furniture, dishes, clothes everything was bought knowing there was a chance I’d have to toss it sooner rather than later. I’d much rather have bought 3 $500 couches in five years than one $1500 couch just to have a kid spill something all over it rip a hole in the arm and pour Skittles in for the ants.
I can replace stuff, the sun will still come up tomorrow and while I won’t be very happy having to replace stuff it’s better than flying off the handle and getting all worked up in a rage. You have to save the rage for the important stuff, like when the neighbor kid cut my daughter’s hair or when they flooded the trash wagon (that’s what I call the minivan) with the garden hose. I got stuck with both of those bills, too. So now I ride around in a musty minivan with Connor scratched into it. I could replace or repaint the van, but what’s the point? I’d rather just save the money and when the kids are a bit older buy something else.
When I was maybe twelve, my mom and I saved money to treat our family to a nice take-out Italian dinner. I was holding the bags, and they broke on way out of the car. Pasta spilled on the garage floor. My mom looked like she was going to cry. We both knew we couldn’t afford to replace it, so I squatted, scooped the pasta off the floor, and put it back in its container. I looked at her and said, “Five second rule?” She nodded, and we didn’t tell anyone else what happened for years. It was the first time I remember giving her advice that she actually took.
So at least some of the time, the parent copes by letting the kid in question clean up their own mess, literal or metaphorical.
Yes, I tried to leave the bottom layer out. Yes, I’m sure we ate some dirt that night. No, no one got sick.
Sounds like a dog problem, not a kid problem.