Are you struggling after being dumped by your widower boyfriend in the name of grief? #widower #breakup #grief
Understand the Situation
Have you found yourself in a puzzling situation where your boyfriend, who is a widower, has decided to end the relationship due to his grief? It can be a challenging time for both of you, but understanding the reasons behind his decision is crucial.
Communication is Key
1. Have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about his feelings and the impact of his grief on your relationship.
2. Express your own thoughts and emotions in a clear and respectful manner.
3. Seek professional help or counseling if needed to navigate through this difficult time together.
Self-Care and Support
1. Take care of yourself during this period of uncertainty and emotional turmoil.
2. Reach out to friends and family for support and guidance.
3. Consider seeking therapy or counseling to process your own emotions and thoughts about the breakup.
Moving Forward
1. Evaluate your own desires and needs in a relationship moving forward.
2. Consider the possibility of reconciliation with your ex-boyfriend if both parties are willing to work through the issues.
3. Take time to heal and reflect on the lessons learned from this experience.
Remember, it’s essential to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being during this challenging time. Take things one step at a time and give yourself the space you need to heal and grow. #relationships #selfcare #movingforward
It was too soon. Let him go. He thought he could use you to help him get over her but he realised he couldn’t.
He needs your help, but not in love with you.
You need to just leave this mess behind, you’re only 7 months in. Also… it HAS been less than a year since he lost his wife and the kids lost a mother
– The kids shouldn’t even be this involved at this point. Especially when his had barely just lost a parent. That’s just terrible decision from both of you.
Why are you so ingrained in each others lives after 7 months? That’s insane. If I had kids I wouldn’t even think about introducing them to a new partner until I’d been together for much longer. Acting as blended families after such a short period of time was a huge mistake.
You and your oldest have absolutely no understanding of how grief works and the fact you’re discussing that he might not have loved his wife is awful.
It sounds like your relationship moved too fast, too soon after the death of his wife. You both introduced each others kids too fast as well. I think you would be better off cutting communication with him while he figures out his issues and deals with his grief.
Why on earth are you bringing your kids together like this so soon in the relationship? Even without his kids having lost their mother, moving this quickly is not in the best interests of the kids. Add in the grief they’re experiencing and it’s a recipe for disaster for everyone involved. You’ve both behaved incredibly selfishly.
>They were together 18 years and he didn’t propose until she was diagnosed with cancer. He only acts sad on holidays and when there’s an audience. My oldest says he didn’t really actually love her, but it’s a show and at first I said, no, be loved her, but I’m starting to think his sadness is a show and he wants to pretend he’s the “sad partner” even though he had no problem approaching me three months after her death and pursued me for three months before we started dating! Ugh!!!
Honestly, this is a vile thing to say. This entire situation is a mess and you should walk away from this now. He clearly needs therapy to help with his grief, and you would also benefit from looking into why you threw yourself and your kids into this mess so readily.
He wants your help. He doesn’t want you. He can’t do it by himself and sees you’re good at the whole parenting thing.
I don’t know if this is the relationship for you because of what you’ve said here.
I have actually been the “you” of this story but we made it to the happily ever after. My now husband, needed a friend lonnnng before he needed anything. The first year or two, being his friend was fucking hard bc he was an ass, or as an adult with any emotional intelligence would recognize, no tf he wasn’t- he was grieving the biggest loss you (obviously) could never imagine!! Allowing your children who barely know this man to undermine his 18 year comitment and love is a direct reflection of the type of person you are. Leave this man alone, bc what he doesn’t need is someone whose focus is “me me me”.
Yikes you sound insensitive and cold. He is not ready for a relationship. He is right. It hasn’t even been a year. He is turning to you for comfort and to distract from his grief but he isn’t in love with you. It’s also understandable he and his kids are spending holidays with his kids grandparents. OMG can you imagine there pain if he inflicted you on them? Let go or accept the relationship as it is. Would you what your kids and him to just replace you if you hadn’t been dead for even a year? Listen to yourself.
This is a lot for a relationship that’s not even a year old. Personally I think I would’ve walked away when I realized he and his family were/are still in the deep end of grief. And it’s….a choice…to have already involved the children. I think you know the best thing to do here.
I wouldn’t say you’re wrong for feeling disrespected about the distance and especially not the expectations after you broke up, but both you and him jumped into this and started mingling your families way too soon. You aren’t at fault for him pursuing you or his conflicting feelings, but I do think this is something you should’ve considered more. You started dating half a year after the death of a woman he had spent over half of his life with. There’s absolutely no chance he wasn’t still deeply grieving as you met or as you started dating, and it was at best naive to think that he was over it because he was pursuing you. The rapid mixing of families and asking you to come comfort his daughter as a mother really points to that. Him picking up your kids, painting your house and kitchen, those are normal couple things for a married couple. For a boyfriend of a few months, that’s well above and beyond normal. From the start he tried to pick back up the role of husband and father.
Less than ten months after you met this man, the kids were all treated as siblings, you as the mom, him as the dad, where a lot of single parents would just be introducing their partner to their children at this point. Having somebody you’ve known for a few months pick up your youngest child from school isn’t a safe or advisable practice. Everything absolutely moved way too fast, and you getting upset with him over spending a holiday with his late wife’s family instead of you after barely half a year together probably made him realize it wasn’t a healthy thing to do.
He approached you too soon, but you also should have recognized that. Again, a relationship that lasted a majority of his life brutally and unexpectedly ended with no chance for closure. Having a partner die is entirely separate from breaking up with somebody, and in that grief he probably did want a replacement, so everything could just go back to normal. Aside from the difficulty of suddenly shifting to being a single parent, it’s extremely common for people to seek out a relationship to cover up that grief instead of confronting it, and flipping between feeling guilty about spending holidays with somebody else and being desperate for companionship, especially as he approaches the anniversary of her death, is also pretty normal.
From what you’ve said here and how it’s shown I honestly see this as somebody spiraling as they try and deal with overwhelming grief rather than somebody maliciously putting on an act. It’s not like it’s impossible that he might be putting on an act and trying to manipulate you, but everything he’s done also points to how a grieving widower would act, and that seems more likely. Your oldest sounds like a teenager, and of course no teenager likes moms new boyfriend, especially if it means they suddenly gain a new sibling and a new parent, she’s not exactly impartial.
Obviously the relationship he seemingly wants to establish isn’t doable, but aside from the recent arguments, you do seem like you think he’s a good guy and are happy with the way your families blended. If he can get the grief to a manageable position where he’s able to make a proper commitment, would you want to try a relationship with him again? He very obviously needs help getting over this, but that isn’t your obligation. If you would want to reconnect and perhaps try things again, set firm boundaries and push him towards therapy. Him acting out of grief doesn’t excuse his actions or make them okay, but it does point to the idea that this isn’t so much an innate personality flaw and can be worked past. That also doesn’t mean you’re obligated to forgive him though.
Tl;dr: I really don’t think this is malicious or intentionally manipulative, everything lines up with somebody collapsing from grief, but that doesn’t mean you have to or should tolerate disrespect, and his proposed relationship is entirely unfair
There is much to unpack here.
But neither of you have behaved in an emotionally mature way that prioitised your kids.
He has no doubt trying to fill the space of a family feeling when he is in no position to be able to do that.
I’m not sure what your rationale was? Honestly, the fact that you’re 18 year knows the details and thinks they have any business speaking about his previous relationships shows you lack appropriate boundaries in your parenting.
He is grieving, and you don’t seem to have emotional intelligence to understand what that means.
Both of your behaviours are pretty toxic in different ways.
Put a stop to this now before the two of you drag all the kids into a bigger mess than it is already.
As a widower myself, let me provide some insight into what he’s been doing.
First, it’s too soon.
All of the things he’s been doing are husband things. I personally had no sense of purpose, other than being a dad, after I lost my wife; and I ended up doing almost exactly what he’s done: chores for someone else.
Now, the difference was that I wasn’t necessarily interested romantically in the woman. We just became friends because our kids went to the same daycare.
However, she became completely enamored with me.
I wanted to feel close to someone, and i didn’t consider her growing feelings through all of it. We ended up dating, and she grew close to my kids, but the relationship never felt right because I didn’t let myself grieve. I couldn’t love the woman she was. I unintentionally used her as a replacement to avoid grieving.
She has stayed close to my kids and is still pissed off at me 25 years later.
As far as him choosing to take his kids and spend a holiday with her family: he did what was right for his children. 7 months doesn’t make a family. They have a tradition, and it’s likely to change over time, but you can’t expect it that fast.
You guys just moved too quickly. You can be patient and stick it out, or hate him for the next 25 years.
I think you have both taken this relationship too quickly and too deeply, considering you both have kids and that he’s grieving the death of his wife.
Take a step back, let him mourn when he needs to, set some healthy boundaries, and prioritise your kids.
I’m not sure where you are heading that you need to rush to get there. Take it slow and cut him some slack, it’s normal to feel tender in the first anniversary
How dare you even question if he love his wife of 18 years? You sound like a POS. You sound immature and jealous.
Also, you clearly don’t have an understanding of true grief. When my brother died, I had a huge whole in my chest for years. And that was my brother. I couldn’t imagine my partner of 18 years. You both need therapy.
If he read what you wrote about his wife and his love for her, he would know for sure that breaking up was the right idea…
This was to fast and he wants his cake and eat it move on this will only get worse
You both should have known better. He was grieving when he met you, and he still is. I would be willing to bet he did not set out to hurt you intentionally, but that’s what happened. Clearer heads should have prevailed. You need to just cut your losses and move on and don’t introduce your children so quickly. That’s on both of you.
>They were together 18 years and he didn’t propose until she was diagnosed with cancer.
How are you so ignorant to the fact that you are his rebound? The fact he benefits from you moreso than that in the form of you taking care of his children is an extra bonus.
I am sorry for everyone involved in this, but WHAT DID YOU EXPECT DATING A FRESHLY WIDOWED MAN? The moment you found out you could have ended it all and this wouldnt be your issue anymore.
Dating a widower is like playing dating in hardmode.
You’re almost 40 an jealous of a dead woman.
I am married to a widower. It’s a tough gig. In my case he had a 2 year old daughter when we met (6 months after she passed) he had done a lot of therapy and healing even if it was soon. There were still lots of issues the first year of our relationship. Grief is complicated and hard. As others have said he probably moved quickly because he needed help.
I would take a step back. Try your best to explain to your kids.
You can’t really help him in the way he needs. Back off and give him space. They were together since he was kids. He doesn’t know life without a relationship. They probably had issues. He needs to work on himself and running to the next relationship is not serving him or his kids. And he probably doesn’t love you the way you want and need right now because he’s still grieving so heavily. Let it go.
Sooo let me get this straight.. You met this dude and subsequently found out he was with his deceased wife for almost 20 years until she died *checks notes* of cancer 3 months prior. Then, within 3 months of meeting, you start dating. And not just the “take it slow” kind of thing.. no, it was the “let’s introduce our kids and blend our families” level of dating. And then you act shocked that he’s still grieving at the year anniversary of her death, like he should be over it.
Yes, you are wrong for feeling disrespected in this case. You obviously don’t understand grief and what it does to people. Especially with what you’ve admitted to saying to him and the conversations you’re having with your kids.
Why are you bringing and keeping YOUR children around someone who’d been going through so much, and so soon? You’re acting like he’s a villain when he’s clearly suffering.
Wow. Are you serious?
How insensitive and pushy can you possibly be?
Yes, he isn’t ready. You being disrespectful certainly doesn’t help. You’re way too full on. You’re not nearly ready to navigate this when you show little compassion for grief. He may never get over it the way you want him to so are you going to keep throwing it in his face?
Sounds like you have a lot of expectations and needs, and he really doesn’t. He seems to feel strongly about you, but until you feel the same way about you, not much can be done.
You sound like a vile person, especially the last paragraph.
This should never have happened. He was grieving and you took advantage of his need and moved WAY too fast with it. Y’all went too far too fast and he finally realized it and had enough time to stop and figure out he wasn’t ready. And you lashed out horribly. Let the man heal.
> He read my message and stopped replying. I tried calling him and no answer.
I wonder why …
> I might have sent an ugly message about don’t contact be again, this is just about sex,
Oh! That’s why.
> My oldest says he didn’t really actually love her, but it’s a show and at first I said, no, be loved her, but I’m starting to think his sadness is a show and he wants to pretend he’s the “sad partner” …
You have no idea about grief. Neither does your child.
To be this involved in 7 months seems unhinged. Why on earth would you be d a family so soon. This man is still morning and if anything in a rebound and revel stage of his loss. You should of protected yourself and your own family by keeping it casual and seperate until things were stable. Also some of the things you said to him were pretty petty and spiteful. Expecting him not to spend Easter with his family is also wrong…and it is still his family. You two should not have been together in the first place. He needs time to heal and figure his life out.
You don’t get to dictate how and when someone grieves. You’re wrong on so many levels.
Gross OP a man you didn’t know into your kids life. Come on 3 months and bam let’s play house. You make excuses like he didn’t love his wife… he don’t want you. Move on.
So his partner of 18 years died not that long ago, and you pressure him to act like you’re already married within a few months and get mad because he spent Easter with the people who share his grief, his family of almost 20 years, to have his kids near their grandparents while they’re in great pain, and accuse him of pretending to be sad? Yikes. You accuse him of not having loved her while expecting him to force himself and his children to pretend she never existed?
I truly cannot believe you and your daughter think the guy you’re dating does not love the woman he was with since he was *16 years old*. A lot of high school sweethearts wait for forever to propose and get married…it doesn’t mean he didn’t love her and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss her. And of course he’d spend holidays with his/her family – they’ve likely been spending 18 years worth of holidays together and it’s what the kids are used to. You’re kinda disgusting and have no place being in a serious relationship considering you rushed your kids into this dynamic, and you certainly have NO place dating a widower.
Your not understanding at all. Are you always this sharp?
I’m sorry you’re insane to think you’re more important than a woman he was married to and his bond with her side of the family, the same family that are his kids family.
You’re actually so gross for that.
Wow, you kinda suck.
I would leave him be because clearly you don’t care about his grief or him really. Both of y’all need therapy but he needs someone who’s less callous about his grief.
Sorry, not sorry but you need to take some accountability here. If a 3 month widower makes a play for you, you ought to have offered friendship and nothing more. You ought to have had some common sense understanding that grief would take a toll on him and that after an 18 year relationship, he’d be feeling completely lost and alone and not in his right mind to make sensible decisions. You ought to have encouraged him to seek support groups where possible or connect him with counsellors as a friend to him. You ought not to have hopped onto him and pursuing a relationship. No doubt he feels her loss daily and probably wanted a physical connection but one that wasn’t as cold cut as sleeping with a professional would have been. You ought to have sought a counsellor for yourself to know at the time whether you could disassociate well enough to be that person. Instead, you’re whining about your lovelife whilst expecting him to be over her, like it’s a finite thing with a concrete end. I honestly don’t care if I’m being blunt or rude at this point. He clearly has issues to work through; that’s obvious. But I’m dumbfounded that you feel you have none. I’m astounded you think your eldest has a grasp on what he feels or doesn’t feel. Honestly, what goes through your head when a 3 month widower makes a play for you? Either he’s an emotional wreck who needs support and understanding or he’s totally sociopathic and that in and of itself ought to have been your red flag.
You fucked up.Â
Holy crap. The fact that you are saying his grief is just for show and pretend is absolutely disgusting. You obviously don’t know how grief works. Holidays are HARD after losing someone you were with for EIGHTEEN years, grief shows up tough on special occasions, that doesn’t mean it’s “pretend”! He pursued you bc he needed a distraction and probably comfort. Do him a favor and let him break up with you so he can heal.Â
You come off as insensitive and demanding. The lack of empathy that you have is substantial. You cannot possibly assume if or how much he is grieving and to expect him to be full throttle ahead with your relationship when you, yourself, have said: HE JUST LOST HER!!!! Some people grieve for years! Yes, he probably isn’t ready to date and just wants to feel some “normality” for his kid. He’s trying. Have some empathy.
if im doing the math correctly, u guys have been dating for less than six months? getting the family all blended together within this time frame?
Is this man doing grief therapy
Hopefully he sticks with his decision and stays away. He will have dodged a huge bullet from both you and your oldest.
I cried my heart out on the year anniversary of my DOG dying, this was a mistake for you both to get so involved so fast.
You’re a horrible person for insinuating that he is faking his grief.
This man’s wife & the mother of his children, who he was with for the better part of TWO DECADES, has been dead for less than a year.
Ok he met you at a kid’s party a few months ago. That doesn’t mean he was done grieving or was fully recovered from his wife’s death.
Considering that you were together 7 months, your families *shouldn’t* already be ‘blended’, especially when his kids are also dealing with the fresh grief of losing their mother.
If you try to push this you’re just going to hurt everyone involved, especially the kids. Just let him go.
Grief is Fucken complicated..
Yikes this is toxic on both your parts. Glad he broke up. You can’t ask a widower not to spend holidays with his late wife’s family less than a year after her death! And he can’t be asking his gf of less than 7 months to comfort his daughter grieving her mother.
It was incredibly immature of you to ever get into a relationship with this man and i’m appalled that you’re a mother and dragged your children (and his!) into this.
You put your kids into a situation they shouldn’t have been in. How long had it been since you were in a relationship or had a man interested because it seems like you full on latched on to this guy. Perhaps you were his rebound or a stand in for his kids. He was wrong too to bring a woman around and gave them get attached when they already suffered a loss. You guys moved fast but he wouldn’t introduce you to anyone he knows and broke up with you but wants to use you for sex. I get why you feel disrespected but you allow it. I’m not cooking for it sleeping with a guy that keeps me a secret. Your oldest shouldn’t be involved in your mess and doesn’t know if he loved his wife or not. He may have started something he doesn’t want and is using grief as an escape or he may actually be grieving. Either way you were right to say I’m not just here for sex and need to move on from this mess. Next time put your kids first and don’t go from meeting to playing blended family.
Honey. There’s a pattern here. The rush to intimacy with you. The performative, manipulative grief, … and how he treated the dead wife?
This is not a good guy.
The first red flag was that a man was ready to date 3 months after being widowed. 3 months. The ground hadn’t even settled over the coffin.
Look it’s not the kids’ fault, but the way he blended families like that is fucking twisted and weird. They just lost their mom and are so ready for another one? How bad is it behind closed doors with him that they are desperate for a mother figure to be in place while they are still grieving their own loss? You didn’t see that as UNUSUAL? Concerning???
That was a huge red flag. “Come over give my cute child a hug”? Really??? You don’t see a single red flag here? He gives you access to his children but not friends or grandparents… that’s literally ass-backwards of how responsible single parents introduce new partners into the family.
Also, you are being very immature expecting that his kids would spend Easter or any major holiday with you instead of keeping their own family traditions, especially involving their late moms family and grandparents. You’ve been dating 6 months. You’re 39?
The whole thing was extremely rushed, get out and take a look at yourself also, the way you express says a lot about you too