#RelationshipAdvice #MarriageBoundaries #WorkLifeBalance #CommunicationSkills
Hey there, we totally get where you’re coming from – it’s not always easy to navigate boundaries in a marriage, especially when it comes to interactions with members of the opposite sex. It sounds like you’re approaching this situation with a lot of thought and consideration, but are feeling a little unsure about the best way to move forward. Not to worry, we’ve got some advice for you!
Understanding Boundaries in a Marriage
It’s completely normal to feel uncomfortable when your partner brings a coworker home, especially if it’s someone of the opposite sex. You’re not alone in these feelings, and it’s important to remember that every couple has different boundaries that work for them. It’s all about finding the balance that feels right for you and your wife.
Open Communication is Key
It’s great that you’ve already talked to your wife about your feelings. Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and it’s important to continue the conversation. Be open and honest about your concerns, and try to listen to her perspective as well. Understanding each other’s viewpoints can help you find a compromise that works for both of you.
Setting Boundaries Together
Boundaries are not about controlling your partner – they’re about creating a sense of safety and respect within the relationship. Together, you and your wife can explore what boundaries feel comfortable for both of you. This could include setting guidelines for interactions with coworkers outside of work, or discussing what kind of social activities are okay to bring coworkers home for.
Navigating the ‘Work Best Friend’ Dynamic
It’s natural to feel a little uneasy when your partner has a close relationship with a coworker. In this case, it might be helpful to remember the concept of ‘karma yoga’ – the idea of selfless action from the Bhagavad Gita. While the Bhagavad Gita doesn’t mention specific actions surrounding work relationships, its teachings on selflessness and detached action can be applied to your situation.
Seeking Professional Help
If you and your wife are finding it difficult to come to a mutual understanding about these boundaries, it might be helpful to seek professional help. A couples’ therapist can provide an impartial perspective and help you both communicate more effectively.
In the end, it’s about finding a solution that works for both of you. It’s okay to feel unsure about the boundaries in your relationship, and it’s important to have open and honest conversations with your partner. By approaching the situation with understanding and respect, you can work together to find a compromise that feels comfortable for both of you.
Are friends not allowed in your home? My husband and I have male, female, gay, straight and trans friends in every color and they are all welcome in our home. Lol my ex husband has spent entire weekends with us and we’ve stayed at his house too. You trust her, it shouldn’t be a big deal. 🤷♀️
I’m focused on his wanting to “make sure she went out to an event with him later that night.” Why is this important enough that he has to accompany her to her home to make sure she goes out with him? Screw that nice guy stuff. I would have had a few pointed questions for him about all of this.
So based on your recount of the events, it’s really hard to tell how much of a reaction or how dismissive your wife was to your concerns. Most of this kind of hangs on how she addressed your concerns and whether or not you feel like she took you seriously enough.
Relationships depend on communication and if you feel like she didn’t properly understand what you’re trying to say, then you guys have to work on that.
If this date of her crosses a boundary for you, and to be honest, it completely sounds like it should, then that should be sufficient for her to reaccess the situation. From your other comments, this seems to be just a social gathering with coworkers. It is **not** a work event. In other words, this is basically some friends hanging out and he’s her date.
You are telling her it’s not okay in your eyes. She says no big deal. The problem is her lack of consideration for you and how you feel. She’s doing what she wants to anyway.
This is the objective reality of this situation.
Tell her this, and without emotion. She isn’t responding to you telling her how you feel, so tell her the facts. She disregarded your thoughts, and you are not okay with this. Ask her what she plans to do about this situation. Do not give her an inch. She’ll run the whole mile. If you are okay with forgiving her and she will never do this to you again, I wish you the best. But, if she does it again? That’s how you know she didn’t learn what she did was wrong and will continue to do it even more. Now, you need to have a personal conversation if you’re willing to put up with this over and over again or any other option.
Your wife is a 35 yr old woman and needs a chaperone to make sure she goes to a work event? Huh?
Yeah her male coworker thinks she’s his get ready for what’s coming
To others it may not be a big deal. To you, it was a (kind of) big deal, and that’s what should matter.
Boundaries are not things we enforce on other people. They’re things we do or don’t do or what we are willing or unwilling to put up with in our own behaviors or relationships. You deciding to extend trust to her or not is your boundary to set. Our boundaries manage our own decisions and behaviors, not someone else’s.
So what you’re saying is he kind of controlled you wife into going to some function/event.
Yeah, fuck that. He has no place to do that and you gotta let that be known. He for sure crossed a boundary and your wife seems like a push over for him, but easily brushed your feelings off.
You need to have a long talk with your wife. You SURE he’s not the work husband and she just calls him a work friend around you?
Your wife just showed you what she thought of your opinions and feelings…you went and told her this made you uncomfortable and she didn’t give a single fuck.
If I’m being honest her work best friends sounds creepy af
Say it to your wife differently. You weren’t comfortable with it and to please not repeat it. Indicate if she does repeat it she is showing her utter disregard for you as her husband and the marriage you share.
Remind her that if there isn’t trust and respect that your sure you can find a secretary to bring to the house to keep you comfortable on the nights she’s out.. no biggy it’s all good…
I agree with you. Was this a work event that you could not accompany her too?
Get her the book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. If she won’t read it, you know there is a big problem already.
You are completely justified in your feelings. Its like this car metaphor, thief probably won’t get into you car, but it is kinda stupid to watch and let him try, you naturally wanna do something.
The fact that your wife answered the way she did is alarming. I would def. have dialogue about how serious she is about making this marriage.
What makes this an issue is the co worker needing to “make sure” she goes out with him. This is nothing but red flags 🚩
It’s a stalled event at this point. You had the opportunity to tell her your thought and she didn’t think it was a problem. If anything similar happens again, take note of it. Her acting out of the ordinary was the real problem. Could be she just didn’t want to hurt his feelings or had promised him to go at another time. If you catch her acting out of the ordinary, *THEN* bring it back up and don’t take, “It’s nothing” for an answer. People don’t make a habit of breaking their regular patterns for nothing. One occurrence is not really cause for alarm, twice would be worth noting the details and anything over that better have a reason that makes sense.
What man would insist on going home with a married woman to make sure she goes out with him later that night. That’s way too far. And the fact that she has no interest in your concerns is a huge red flag.
The fact you’re happy to let it slide doesn’t make things better.
I’d be asking: 1. why her coworker feels entitled to be so controlling of her, and 2. what’s missing in the marital relationship that she encourages/doesn’t shut down his behaviour.
Anytime someone, especially a Significant Other, ignores your boundaries or just says “this isn’t a big deal” that is a huge red flag. If my wife came to me and said, “I don’t like when you do this or that” then I stop.
The problem here is that she isn’t respecting your feelings about this. She doesn’t need to agree with you, but she should be listening respectfully and addressing it with you.
Idk isn’t it better she’s so upfront about it?
He could wait outside for her, but kinda like what’s the difference?
Hence not able to see from your POV. Do you see from her POV though? It doesn’t seem like any of a deal to her — she ran her errands at home, still made it to the event because she promised her friend she would, and he was so desperate that he waited for her to be done to go together.
The real issue here is his clingy-ness though. Is he or is he just shy and need help to talk to the person he’s interested in? You should be talking to your wife that you’re not comfortable with her being this close to him, just don’t like the fact that she invited him home. Or don’t hang out with him so much after work. That’s about all.
It really sounds like the actual event was absolutely nothing. Why *wouldn’t* you bring a female coworker home briefly if you needed to do a quick task or two at home before going to an event together?
It sounds like you have a rule in mind about how relationships should go and expected her to know it even though you hadn’t ever communicated it. That’s not breaking a boundary.
Yes, I think you’re making a big deal out of this.
Yeah I have to confess I’m with you OP that something really stands out awkwardly – I’m assuming that if he begged a ride to your place and then the event it wouldn’t be so weird.
I’m not too clear on whether this dude was pressuring SO to attend the event and/or ensuring that they attend the event ‘together’ but both are strange and boundary pushing.
Like I have many a time bummed a ride from a workmate or whatever, but the above sounds red flaggy to me.
Can you articulate what your exact concern is here?
You’ve said that you’ve met the guy a few times, that he’s been to your house on other occasions, and that he seems like a good guy. You also said that you’re not worried about your wife cheating. So it doesn’t seem like you’re worried about anyone having bad intentions, unless I’m missing something.
If the guy has been to your home before, it’s not unreasonable for your wife to assume that bringing him home on this occasion (and telling you about it) wouldn’t be a big deal. If you have a concern about it and you communicate that to your wife, she should listen and discuss it with you, and she shouldn’t be dismissive. So her dismissiveness is *maybe* an issue, but in order to really evaluate that, I’d have to understand what your issue *is* exactly.
Is it possible that you’re *trying* to make an issue out of this for some reason? If so, why?
This is so weird how could it be considered a boundary?
Your wife needs some practice saying, “uh, no”.
I don’t know… I wouldn’t want someone I barely know in my house, but if it was my wife’s coworker and he didn’t give me bad vibes, I wouldn’t care. Now…I wouldn’t want him hanging out in my bedroom while she gets ready or anything, but chilling in the living room would be cool.
Dude if you can’t see the red flags hanging in front of your face you need to go see an eye doctor! You need to start snooping because we’re there smoke there is fire I’m pretty sure you’ll find that it’s a little more than office friendship especially if she gaslighted you and blew you off like that!
Updateme
No, I don’t think you’re making too big of a deal. I’m glad you trust her, and no, I’m not saying she’s cheating, I’m just saying some people in this situation would assume that. I honestly find it odd & the fact that she shrugged you off is disrespectful.
It’s probably nothing, but the fact that she dismissed you was hurtful. Your feelings matter. She is your wife & I would assume she’s supposed to be your best friend, but if something is bothering you, she needs to talk to you, not wave you off.
I think it doesn’t matter if it’s a non-issue to her. My husband has told me before that he’s uncomfortable with things I find innocent, but if it bothers him and isn’t a big deal, why would I want to make him feel insecure and uneasy? I love this man, so I respect and listen to his concerns even if I don’t think they’re valid. (For the inevitable trolls, my husband will 100% give me that same respect back.) This is the part your wife isn’t getting. Her actions caused a moment of doubt. It may have been just a moment, but she should at least listen to your concerns and discuss them.
And maybe not go on a date with her coworker 😖
It’s always the work best friend, the work husband/wife, the friend you don’t have to worry about, that end up being APs.
UpdateMe
You need to reiterate that it’s big dealbto you, and that you don’t appreciate your feelings being disregarded. Explain that the situation made you uncomfortable, and the why. If she still minimalizes yall likely need marriage counseling
Her dismissing your feelings is the big deal here, OP.
I would default to the goose/gander concept. If the exact roles were reversed, she wouldn’t have any problem with you doing that?
What she did (assuming it was on the up and up) isn’t a red flag on its own…only if a line is crossed. We’re mostly talking about your security and needs.
You expressed a problem in your relationship with your wife, she told you to fuck off.
Consider that.
I realize you are sure she is not cheating on you. That is very nice. But every single guy that discovered his wife was cheating on him thought that exact same thing a month prior. Understand?
You need to check into this. You taking her for granted. You need to look heavily into this relationship she has with him and ensure that it is not something headed in the wrong direction.
Some of what you wrote says ‘nah, ok’ but more says ‘there is a problem here’.
Do some investigation, do that before you do any more questioning. Start with her phone.
If the roles were reversed and you brought home a female coworker you were “taking out” later to an event, how would she feel? If this is a boundary for you, let her know with no uncertainty. Hopefully this was a work event? Because if not…..oh hell no.
Why does he need to make sure she goes? He’s forgetting she’s married here.
I think your wife’s response is a bigger deal ‘ she shrugged it off’. Surely, as her husband, you have the right to discuss this, and she should see your reasoning. She should not have brought him to your house. From what you have said the co worker suggested, who is he to ???But hey, it always starts off with ‘of he’s just a friend ‘…..
Personally I’d be making a bigger deal about the ease with which she dismisses your feelings.
I think the incident itself probably wasn’t a big deal, but your wife response to you is a big deal. I would actually focus on this more. Why is she so dismissive of your comfort?
Are there other incidents in your life together where you express something and your wife dismisses you
I think I would leave it at that.
Everyone has their own perception for normal ‘marriage boundaries’… I personally would have had no issue with what happened. Maybe offer a beer and catch up. But, everyone is different.
You spoke up and she shrugged it off.
Something like that I might just trust my wife’s POV, if she didn’t think it was an issue, then I can give her that.
It can create some blurred lines… What is appropriate then?
* You can’t ride in the vehicle with someone whose not your husband.
* You’re not allowed to have guests over who are male.
* You’re not allowed to attend work functions with other people.
It really wouldn’t have changed much tbh… If she was going, she was going to be hanging out with him at the event either way.
She could have gone herself and meet up with him or drive together. The outcome doesn’t change.
If the outcome was going to be the same, I don’t think it a hill worth dying on.