“AITA for snapping at my new DIL for calling me ‘mom’? How should I handle this?”
### Background:
– Lost my daughter at a young age, no other women/girl has called me mom since
– New DIL, Alex, keeps calling me mom despite me expressing discomfort
### Situation:
– Despite multiple corrections and explanations, DIL continues to call me mom
– Snapped at a family event when she called me mom again
– Was called a jerk and told to apologize
### Seeking Advice:
– Should I apologize for snapping at my DIL?
– How can I effectively communicate my discomfort to her?
– Any suggestions on how to handle this delicate situation respectfully?
#family #relationships #boundaries #communication #culturaldifferences #personalhistory
NTA. That’s a boundary you clearly communicated multiple times and she intentionally has disrespected it every time.
NTA, you were uncomfortable with her calling you that, and she decided her ‘traditions’ were more important. Do not apologise, and reiterate that she is to stop calling you that.
Alex’s partner (your child) should be handling this, not you. Ask them to get their spouse to stop.
Nta. Her culture doesn’t trump your preference of what you wish to be called. You tried asking nicely.
NTA. She is. She is disrespecting you and owes YOU an apology. Tell her if she addresses you as mom, you will be addressing her as idiot girl.
NTA. Have you addressed this with your son. He should be handling it.
NTA. You communicated a boundary and she kept disrespecting you for it, admittedly it was out of respect for you.
Talk with your partner about it and let them handle it (and should have done it from the beginning).
Doesn’t matter what her excuse of “culture” is. You told her repeatedly to stop, she didn’t, you rightfully snapped, now maybe she will. NTA!!!
Nta. You explained this to dil and she didn’t care. You have the right to choose the name she calls you. She does not. Dil us the asshole. Call her asshole instead of her name. Seems fair. You are a mom, just not hers. She is an asshole.
“I don’t understand why you are calling me a jerk. I thought we agreed — as a society — that the most basic level of respect was addressing someone in a way that they are comfortable with. DIL has repeatedly and persistently called me by a name I do not wish to be called. She either is suffering a memory problem (in which case, she needs to see a doctor immediately) or she has deliberately refused to stop when I politely told her not to call me that (in which case she is being intentionally rude). Therefore, I had no choice but to tell her more firmly that she was using a wholly inappropriate name for me. So given that background, can you please explain exactly what part of what I did made me a ‘jerk’ ?”
NTA. Making a mistake on your name once is normal. Making that mistake twice should come with profuse apologies. Making the same mistake repeatedly (especially without copious apologies) is no longer a mistake and is deliberate rudeness
Nta, there are many other ways she could call you knowing you are not okay with mom
NTA
I could definitely see why a casual observer would call you out – the people at the event have no visibility of the multiple times you have explained this boundary to DIL, so I could see them being shocked and dismayed.
But it’s obvious upon learning the background that you’re NTA.
The message is simple: “I won’t put myself in situations where I’ll have to keep reliving this pain. If you refuse to respect my boundary, I will not attend events where you will be.”
(Flip the script and imagine she were deadnaming – it’s unacceptable to intentionally go against someone’s preferences like this. And allegedly against someone she cares about enough to consider a mother!
I would argue that she’s considering only HER feelings, not YOUR feelings – and that’s not how you treat people you care about. Go no-contact if she refuses to show you even the most basic human consideration.)
NTA but I wonder if she knows *why* you don’t want to be called that? That it’s deeply personal and opening up an old wound? I would ask your son to explain it to her in detail. I wouldn’t be surprised if she apologized profusely.
However if she does know everything and still does it then yikes, why?? It’s not a habit to call a woman who didn’t raise you your mother, it’s something she makes a conscious choice to do.
NTA because you told her many times to stop and she didn’t. She violated a clear boundary that you set, so clearly you had to get more aggressive with her to get the point across.
I thought this was your step daughter for too long lol my brains not awake yet… , even that I still would’ve said you’re NTA due to your past (nothing worse than losing a child) .
but for a daughter in law to take it upon herself, and when you expressed your feelings so many times…. no.. your dil is the selfish AH here.
NTA – You have asked her repeatedly to stop doing this and she persisted, she had the opportunity here to prevent causing a scene – this is on her. NTA.
I have 1 mom and will never call another woman mom. Nta
NTA. You’ve given other options and suggestions. Imagine if you just repeatedly called her something she didn’t like. Would your child expect you to stop? Mad double standards
INFO: How old is Alex?
doesn’t matter why, you’re nta,
NTA.
Frankly, your DIL is calling you mom on purpose. The next time she does (and she will), tell her:
“DIL, I cannot count the number of times I’ve asked you not to call me mom. Your culture may dictate this, but I do NOT like it. At this point, I can only surmise you’re calling me mom to be hurtful. Stop. I’ve been polite. I’ve been rude. And yet you still persist. You are being very hurtful in your actions. Why are you being so cruel?”
Nta it’s basic respect to address someone they wish to be addressed and vice versa
NTA
Start calling her your son’s ex gf(s) name(s) every time. It’s no different than her calling you something other than your own name.
NTA. Your daughter in law persisting even after you gave your explanation shows either that she doesn’t care, that what she thinks trumps what you want/need, or she’s just stupid and doesn’t get it.
I’d ignore her in future. However, talk to your son. Let him know in no uncertain terms it is unacceptable to you.
I know it was a long time ago but I am sorry for your loss.
NTA. You explained it to her several times and she keeps disrespecting you by continuing to do it. She’s a grown ass woman & should know better. So should your son. I saw in a comment he agrees with his wife. Maybe you should take a break from seeing them for a bit for your own mental health.
NTA. Your son also sucks for not supporting you on this. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Start calling her his ex girlfriend’s name
NTA. Most places children partners don’t call each others mom and dad. If it happens and both parties are cool with it so be it. Forcing your culture down someone throat is not exactly a good way to be accepted and to build a relationship. You expressed that you felt uncomfortable and that should have been enough, adding you having lost a daughter makes it even worse.
There a lot of adults that don’t feel comfortable being call mom/dad by other adults they didn’t raise.
I don’t mean this rudely but You need therapy
Need more info: How much did you explain to her? Did you tell her about your daughter?
I’m leaning towards NAH because maybe from your POV it was clear. But you mentioned she is from a different culture and the discussion “died off” after that. It seemed to me that neither of you were able to communicate properly how important it is for you.
I’m from a similar culture where once you’re engaged, not even married, the expectation is you start calling your in-laws mom/dad. There’s a subtext in our culture wherein if they allow you to call them that, you have been officially accepted in the family. Perhaps it’s why it’s important to her.
Another subtext is respect (or, to an extent submission?), wherein calling your in-laws mom/dad is your way of showing you are accepting your new family. I personally had trouble calling my MIL mom for the first 6 months of my marriage. And it was actually my own mother who kept reminding me I needed to start calling her that, less I give a negative impression to my in-laws.
I understand about boundaries, but I hope what I said gives you better context as to why DIL won’t stop. Perhaps a longer discussion about it with her and your son is needed.
NTA. You clearly explained why it’s a trigger. She needs to understand this.
Nta. If she only did it one time and you snapped on her immediately without her knowing the situation, you’d be the asshole, but the fact that she knows and still repeatedly does it seems like she’s intentionally doing it to hurt you. I’d talk to your son about how much it’s hurting you.
So sorry for your loss.
We all have the right to be called the name we choose. This is disrespectful and deliberate. After you explained your feelings and preferences she should have stopped. This isn’t the occasional slip and it needs to stop. NTA
NTA but have you ever received help for your trauma over losing your daughter? A lot of these comments are insinuating that your DIL is doing this maliciously and I just don’t think that’s the case. My parents called each other’s parents mom & dad, I call my partners parents mom & dad and his mom even calls me daughter. It’s a really lovely feeling to know your in-laws love you so much that they consider you another of their children.
Although she should have stopped calling you that when you asked the first time I can understand how she may be hurt by it especially if her family is anything like mine where we call each other’s parents mom & dad. While she needs to consider your perspective and feelings, don’t forget to consider hers even if you are in the right. If you would like to have a healthy relationship with your son & DIL in the future I would advise you apologize for lashing out and explain further why it is so upsetting for her to call you that.
Edited to change vote after reading some of her comments: YTA, Depending on the DIL’s culture it could be a really rude thing for her to NOT call you mom for some reason. A slight case of religious/culture Stockholm syndrome if you will. You say you’ve explained it to her but I’m curious if you said it in passing, “Hey don’t call me that no woman will ever call me mom.” Or if you actually sat down and had a heart to heart to explain that there’s actual turmoil in being called mom.
Well this is going to ruin your relationship with your son so I hope it’s worth it.
I don’t know why she keeps calling you that but if it’s a cultural thing I give her a little more grace but you also probably should get some therapy because your reaction and your resistance is going to do significant damage to your existing relationships.
You already said you’re gonna stop inviting her to events.Well, of course, your son is also not going to be showing up at all any more. so if it is more important for you to die on this hill without your son then by all means that it’s totally within your right. But it seems counterproductive to kill the relationship with your son.
At least she’s trying to build a relationship with you and you are totally shut it down because you’re stubborn.I don’t know what her issue is.But I wouldn’t be worth losing my son over.
L o l your first paragraph sounds bossy and rude and we don’t know you. Maybe they’ll just leave you all alone.
INFO: you mentioned her culture. What is that culture? Are there indeed rules she may have been raised in that make her treat you as a second mother by default?
What culture is she?
We call our in laws mom. Aunty is also accepted. Maybe let her call you a variation of one or the other? Culture is weird, and her not following her cultural practices might be abhorrent to her
NTA. Your DIL is though. Her culture is not more important than your boundaries.
It seems to me when it comes to in-laws, whether parental monikers are used requires agreement on both sides.