#HelpMe #AbusiveRelationship #WhatShouldIDo
Hey everyone, I need some advice. So here’s the deal – my wife and I have been through a lot together. We reconnected after high school, she supported me through a tech bootcamp, and we have kids together. But lately, things have taken a turn for the worse.
She’s been verbally and physically abusive towards me, saying cruel things and even physically harming me. I have an appointment for couples therapy, but I’m stuck on what to do next. I don’t want to be treated like this, but leaving her means risking not seeing my kids. What should I do?
I feel lost and unsure of the right decision to make. Have you been in a similar situation? What did you do? Let’s chat and figure out the best way forward together. Your input could really help me out.
Sounds like bipolar. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1&2 and would go on the “manic attacks” and not even know why. She sounds like me. Is she impulsive?? Like with money?
> She had 4 kids from a previous relationship that was abusive where she was constantly in fear for her life and made homeless by that bum.
Do you have any proof of this? I’m not saying two abusive people never end up together, but it sounds like, at a minimum, she is *also* abusive, if not someone who was the lone abuser and created a narrative about his abuse when he finally got away.
That’s just speculation, though. The reality is that all of the children in the household seeing the emotional and/or physical abuse are more likely, in their respective future relationships, to be abused or to become abusers because of this exposure. There is not 1 person exposing them (her); there are two people (her performing the abusive behaviors and you normalizing (by tolerating) those behaviors).
The *only* choice you have is to get your biological children out of the house, and call CPS for the kids you don’t have rights over. When someone fails to address their own trauma before they have children, they pass that emotional labor on to their children. That’s not what you want for your children. Get them on the healing path now.
When relationships get toxic its almost impossible to turn them back to normal unfortunately. Sometimes people need to go. Still you can try to have this family appointment maybe it will sort things out. But think what you’re going to do when its not.
Stay strong mate, you’re carrying the weight of the world. You’ll find a way through this, and she is weighing you down the most
>tells me that it’s my fault she treats me like that.
Full stop. She’s blaming you for how shitty she is? Think about that for a second.
>she went on a rampage and deleted all my pictures of her… blocked me and turned off her location… Threw and broke electronics I gave her… Doesn’t care about the gifts you’ve given… Then went after your family collectibles.. you grabbed it to stop her and she repeatedly hit you and bit you
Dude. Yes, she’s abusive. Not leaving her only shows the kids that her behavior is ok. Soon you’ll have 8 kids who think it’s ok to abuse others.
Get the hell out of there.
Bro… You need help.
Please do not go to couples therapy with your abuser. You both need individual therapy. That is generally a bad idea. Unless that therapist is a literal specialist in domestic violence and trauma, it might make things worse. You should both be in individual therapy. After some time in individual therapy, you could consider couples therapy.
You are 100% correct in recognizing that you do not have to be perfect to deserve being free from abuse. How she feels might be totally valid, but how she is acting is definitely not.
The fact that she justified her abuse by saying her behavior is your fault, makes me think she is just an abusive person. Has verbal and emotional abuse always been a part of your relationship, or is that as new as the physical violence? If the abusive behavior is truly completely new, there might be reason to hope it will resolve if the underlying medical or mental health issues are addressed.
Start documenting everything. Write down everything said and done in a notebook where you do not remove any pages. Take pictures of injuries and damage. Take videos and recordings if it’s safe to do so. Aim to keep her from knowing you are documenting the abuse. If you do leave her, you want evidence for court. If you do leave, you need to aim for sole custody of your kids. I understand you can’t do anything about her oldest four, but that is just the unfortunate reality of the situation. No matter how much you might want it to work right now, start documenting in case it does not. Proving her abuse is the only way you can protect your kids in a divorce.
The way she is acting right now is not just harming you. It’s harming the kids. Abuse in the home impacts kids nervous systems so they grow up never truly feeling safe. It harms their attachment style, so they have difficult relationships. It messes with their idea of what healthy looks like and how they should expect to be treated in a relationship. Some kids learn that the person with power gets to be violent so they seek to be the person with power. Others learn that if they don’t make sure they are perfect in every way, it’s excusable for someone to abuse them. Even if you are the only target, adults acting like this harms kids. Protect them the best you can.
You are likely underestimating how much the verbal and emotional abuse is impacting you. It’s really hard to see when you’re in it.
You need a safety plan. Do you have a place you and the kids can go if she becomes violent again? If so, make copies of all important documents, gather some cash, and a couple changes of clothes for you and the kids and store them there. Hopefully it isn’t needed, but it sounds like she is escalating. Giving her love of tossing electronics I also suggest getting a burner phone and loading your important numbers in it, and keeping it turned off but somewhere accessible.
Sometimes abusive people change, but it usually takes consequences like a partner leaving or getting arrested.
Why did you have MORE kids when yall were struggling to support 5??? Omg??
This is mental. She needs intensive therapy and you need to leave. And please GET YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN.
Unfortunately, you have 2 serious issues that are conflicting.
1. Her problem is way bigger than PPD. And bigger than couples counseling. If you did all that to her, you’d probably be in jail.
2. None of these children are living in a safe home right now.
She needs to know that you won’t tolerate abuse for yourself, or the children witnessing abuse, or them becoming victims directly. If she gets treatment, the family could be reunited. But right now, one person is wrecking 7 children and one adult.
Document. Document. Document. Get a burner phone and keep it where she can’t find it, but use it to document and have in an emergency. Tell everything to a trusted friend and have them photograph any and all bruises and other physical damage – with date and time included. Then, get a bulldog of a lawyer and do everything they say. Everything. They’ll have strategies for you about calling the police without her turning it around and accusing you of physical abuse. Maybe, if you’re in a one-party state, get hidden cameras that can record the abuse. You have to know that chances are, she’s also abusing the kids. Regardless, get out as soon as you can. Get yourself and your kids safe. If she gets arrested, as she should, you might have to call one of her family members to deal with her kids with her ex. All the best and good luck.
You have CHILDREN around this?
What the hell is wrong with you? Do you even care about your kids at all bc what they’re witnessing is so so wrong and traumatizing.
GET YOUR CHILDREN AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN! Seriously. Start recording her doing this to you. Get a lawyer. stop trying to “fix” this and be a f*cking good father and protect your children from this abuser.
She might have a little of childhood trauma and from her previous marriage but that doesn’t really matter when she’s abusing you. I just mention it in case you want to try to save the marriage she would need to get a lot of counseling
You need to get out. Please consult a lawyer immediately, see if you can remove the two children you had with her, and figure out your next steps. Do everything you can to document the abuse, it will help you with the custody battle. This is not a healthy relationship and couples therapy cannot fix it.
YOu and children should leave immediately. If there is violence in the future, call the police. If the situation was reversed this would not be a question. Secure savings in separate account (1/2) find a spot and move your family out. Go to an attorney and draw up divorce papers, and full custody papers. Leave, next time you may not be alive to post.
One more thing – what if she snaps and hurts or kills the kids? She could kill the 2 you share to punish you. Your wife is a very real and present threat to your kids. She is showing you every day that she is not in control. You have to take action. The kids lives may depend on it.
Great advice below. I will add that you need to take a picture of that bite/bruise she caused. I would take pictures of the house showing the damage. Document everything! Then talk to a lawyer. You need to document everything because she could claim you are the abusive one, even call the cops on you. When you protect your own ass, you are also protecting the children.
Are you close with her parents or do you the kids’ paternal grandparents? I would call them to see if they could care for the 4 kids. I will bet her first husband wasn’t abusive, that she has been the abuser. It is a scary situation for you and the kids. If she goes beserk again, call the police. It may be the wake up call she needs. She absolutely needs serious therapy for anger management and past trauma. You don’t want this behavior to pass down to the kids.
Don’t just sit and take it. Talk to a lawyer asap. Find out your rights and also resources that may help the whole family.
You are enabling this behavior if there’s no consequences for her actions
Listen she *probably* can’t kill you with her bare hands but she can certainly try. You have to get tf out of there. Make a police report!
You need to leave. If you refuse to leave then you need to get cameras and tell her that if she doesn’t get help for her abusive behavior then you will leave.
My brother in Christ, what did you get yourself into
Yes, that’s not acceptable at all, she needs to get help or you need to get out. imo your priority should be protecting your children
I’m telling you to get out! This is so unhealthy and toxic for all you, including all these kids!! Please also document your bruise and make record of the incident! I think you need to speak with an attorney to find out all your options.
SHE needs to want to put the effort into changing her abusive behavior! If she doesn’t, therapy isn’t going to save your marriage! It may be worth a chance, IF she truly willing to be all her effort in. If not, don’t waste your time.
In the meantime, I would stay elsewhere and take your children with you. I wouldn’t trust her to not be abusive or neglectful towards them.
Get out! Get out! Get out!
I understand why you have a sense of duty and responsibility towards her and all the children in your lives. But please take a step back and look at the bigger picture. You’re being abused and your kids can see this. Think of the damage you’re causing them by staying in this relationship. How do you know that she is not doing these to your kids too? As you mentioned you work for long hours so you don’t see them. She can be by your side through everything, she can support you too when you’re down. That’s marriage! But this is not a good reason to stay in an abusive and violent marriage when your life and possibly your kids’ lives are all in danger. If not for anything else, do this for your kids. This woman clearly doesn’t love you, you don’t abuse the people you love! Please take care of yourself OP and value your life.
You need to leave. Therapy will not help. She’ll either completely rebuke everything said or flip the tables and make it seem like you’re the abuser. You should be documenting your injuries and recording any incidents. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I understand you love her, but someone who loves you wouldn’t treat you like this. This is not PPD. This is someone who’s abusive, and I’d bet you she didn’t start with you. Id wager that to be the reason her last marriage ended the way it did as well. Think about how your children will look back on being raised in a house like that and what that will do to them. You need to divorce and do it safely. If you need help or resources, I’d look into any DV organizations in your area.
My guy, you need to leave.
You need to get away from that woman, forget therapy, she is dangerous!
And after that, how can you be sure that what she said about her last husband, her being in fear for her life and how he made her homeless, or was she abusing him too?
You don’t just start acting like that, she’s had 4 kids before you, and was like this before pregnancy. Just like men, women can be abusers.
Document all of her abuse and get a lawyer.
You need to protect yourself AND your kids. Even if she isn’t abusing the kids directly, the way she’s abusing you is gonna severely harm them mentally. You need to get them away from her
It takes balls to marry a woman with 4 kids. And now her behavior is totally off, she needs medical help, and OP is stuck holding the bag. Dunno the answer but all options are crappy. Good luck.
Time to end it man. Being able to see the kids is not worth it at the expense of your own mental health, if you loose your mental health they wont have a dad at all.
If this post were reversed, and it was the husband who was berating and physically abusing the wife, every comment would tell you to get out. That doesn’t change for me just because the gender roles are reversed. It is not healthy for you or your children to live in a household where there is abuse of any kind going on. You have to think of the example that is being set for them as well as the fact that you deserve far better. Maybe she does have PPD and that needs to be addressed, but not at your expense, and I’m not talking financially. If she refuses to get help, then you have to mitigate the damages by removing yourself (and your children) from the situation.
She likely does need professional help. And you can continue to urge her to get it from outside the home. She needs to work on herself if this relationship is going to survive. Her flat out refusal would be a non-starter for me. you and your kids deserve a turmoil free home