#FamilyNeglect #FamilyOrientedDilemma #SiblingsPriorities
Hey there, it sounds like you’re dealing with a tough situation involving your family. It can be really difficult to balance family obligations and personal responsibilities, and it’s natural to feel conflicted about what the right thing to do is. Here are some insights and advice that might help you navigate this challenging situation:
Understanding Your Father’s Influence:
It’s clear that your upbringing has had a significant impact on your views about family and priorities. Your father’s actions have shaped your perspective, and it’s understandable that you want to avoid making the same mistakes in your own family dynamics.
Setting Boundaries:
Your decision to prioritize your wife and children during this critical time is admirable. You’re showing strength and integrity by putting your family’s needs first, especially when your wife is recovering from a c-section. It’s essential to maintain open communication with your brother and father about what you can realistically offer in terms of assistance.
Facing Familial Expectations:
It’s clear that your family has certain expectations when it comes to support and assistance. However, it’s important to remember that you have your own family to consider. Balancing your responsibilities as a husband and father with the needs of your siblings can be challenging. It’s okay to express your boundaries and limitations while still offering what support you can within those boundaries.
Seeking Compromise:
Finding a compromise that works for everyone involved can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. Perhaps you can explore alternative ways to support your brother in his home repairs, such as connecting him with other resources or offering to pitch in for professional help. This shows that you’re willing to support him within the limits of your current situation.
Respecting Individual Choices:
It’s clear that not all of your siblings share the same perspective on family priorities, and that’s okay. Each person has their own unique circumstances and values. Your decision to prioritize your immediate family doesn’t mean you care any less for your siblings, but rather that you’re acknowledging the pressing needs that your family has at the moment.
Finding Support from Others:
Your mother’s agreement with your choice to prioritize your wife and children is an important validation of your decision. Sometimes, seeking advice and support from those outside the immediate family circle can help affirm your choices and provide a fresh perspective on the situation.
Remembering Self-Care:
In the midst of navigating these familial challenges, don’t forget to prioritize your own well-being. Managing the needs of your family, your siblings, and your father can be emotionally taxing. Setting aside time for self-care and maintaining open communication with your wife about the situation can bring additional emotional support.
Ultimately, the decision to prioritize your wife and children during this critical time is a testament to your commitment to your own family. You’re not neglecting your family, but rather taking responsible action to support them during a challenging period. Your experiences with your father have shaped your outlook, and it’s natural to want to avoid repeating past mistakes. You’re not the “ungrateful brat” your father labeled you as – you’re a compassionate and responsible family man.
Navigating the complexities of family dynamics is never easy, but seeking to understand the root of your father’s influence and making informed choices based on your own family’s needs are important steps toward resolution. Remember that asserting your priorities doesn’t mean neglecting your siblings; it simply means finding a balanced approach to family support. Stay strong and keep communicating openly with your loved ones as you work through this challenging situation.
NTA at all.
Your partner and your kids come before your siblings and parents. If you can’t make that commitment, then don’t get married and have kids. Dad and younger brother are both demanding AHs.
NTA. And there’s nothing wrong with being honest with your dad about your reasoning.
NTA – your wife should be and is your priority.
Also congrats on the new baby.
NTA
You are correct every step of this story. Your priority is your wife and children, not your brothers repairs.
Your father is a poor example of a good parent and he doesn’t like being told the truth. Too bad for him, his opinions on the subject are of no value.
NTA. Yes, your siblings are your siblings, and they are what you have. But prioritizing them over your home life is ROUGH on a marriage, and I would hope (and that seems to be the case) that you would want that to be your priority. That is your HOME. You learned from your father’s mistakes. You would be willing to help your brother, but you have to help your spouse too. It is also bad timing. If your wife wasn’t healing, you would probably be more likely to assist!
NTA – your dad is upset because he didn’t want to hear the truth. Yes, family is important but your immediate family is more important. This isn’t you just saying you don’t want to help much. You have a newborn and two small children who need you more. Your brother is being selfish by even asking you to help at this time.
NTA. Ans it’s VERY weird that he is suggesting you are ungrateful – who are you supposed to be grateful to, and for what.
Your wife and children are your family . You have made moral and legal committments to your wife, and as a parent, you have responsibilities to your childnre which certainly outweigh and family obligation to adult siblings. Your dad s free to go help your brother if he wants. Heck, he could offer to take care of your older children so you could help your brother, if he isn’t physically up to working on the house. (and it would still be fine for you to day ‘thanks but no thanks’ if you felt that spending time with your kids was what you wanted or felt was better for your family)
What you said to him wasn’t very nice, but it sounds like he was refusing to accept your decison and trying to bully you, so I think NTA for snapping and making clear how his choices affected you.
(I would take a guess that your younger brother may have been less affected thatyou and your other siblings as, as the youngest, he maybe had more support from older siblings filling the gap his dad left)
NTA
It’s important to establish boundaries, especially when you have a budding family that depends on you. While familial ties are significant, they should not trump the immediate needs of your spouse and children. It seems like your father may be projecting his own guilt or regrets onto you, but you are not your father, and you are not bound to repeat his mistakes. You are managing your responsibilities as a partner and parent first, which is commendable. It’s unfortunate that your father doesn’t see that your actions are driven by love and dedication to your immediate family.
Ultimately, your brother’s home repair is not an emergency—it can wait or be handled by others. Your newborn, on the other hand, cannot wait, and your partner’s recovery should be your primary concern. You’re being a responsible adult and choosing to be present for the people who need you most right now. If the tables were turned and it was your brother with a newborn and recovering wife, would the family expect him to drop everything and help someone else? I think not.
NTA
You’re doing what’s right you are prioritizing your family! The one you created. Your children come first. Your dad is wrong your siblings sit on the side lines when it comes to your family!
NTA
Your dad and his drama are no longer your concern. You’re a fully functioning adult and your perspective on this is, quite frankly, better than your dad’s. So tell him to butt out of your life, he can no longer control or affect your decisions. And if he is such a family man himself, he can go and help with the repairs himself, or he can shut up.
As for your brother, same approach but maybe a little milder in intensity. Just to give him the benefit of doubt and giving him time to learn from experience since he was raised in a toxic environment because of your dad’s shitty perspective on family values.
Tell your brother calmly, once and for all, that even if this isn’t about who comes first – your wife and children or your brother and SIL, it is still a competition between 2 things that both demand your time and labour:
1. Your wife, who is recovering from a major surgery and medical intervention and is in postpartum stage, needs you for physical AND emotional support. Plus your 3 kids need their father to help raise them and provide for them since you cannot leave all this work to your fresh-out-of-surgery wife.
2. Your brother and SIL, who need help with house repairs.
Just based on the nature of the requirements of both parties, in the most obvious way, 1 trumps 2 here and your brother needs to understand that he can whine and cry and go complaining to daddy like a toddler but you cannot be bothered anymore.
NTA. Your brother drank his daddy’s Kool Aid that family of blood origin is the only family that counts — not the wife, not the children — and should always receive priority. I don’t know if there is a psychological term for belief but it’s not uncommon. I think of it as ‘family as cult’.
NTA
let him have it! Just because he adhered to a neglectful mindset when it came to his kids and wife doesn’t mean anyone else has to follow in his steps.
NTAH, He has to reap what he sowed. He can’t be mad at his child for finally telling him off on how much of a deadbeat father he was, and you don’t need to apologize. Tell him that.
NTA. The truth hurts sometimes. Your dad just learned that, so he lashed out. If he says something like that again simply remind him that you are his son, not his brother so he should mind his own generation.
NTA. Prioritizing your family means your whole family, and a wife recovering from surgery beats a brother who needs help with a remodel.
That said please don’t make the same mistake as your father but in the other direction. If your brother needs help with something and you *can” help, you shouldn’t say no just because your dad overdid it. A lot of my fondest memories were of going with my dad to an uncle’s house to help put in a driveway or paint a room. Your story sounds a little bit like you and your sister aren’t willing to help at all because of your feelings about how your dad acted and that’s not great either.
You have a newborn, other children and an impaired wife. Why aren’t your brother and father knocking on the door to help you out? Where is their gratitude? Who will be making sure you’ve had enough sleep to be successful at your job? “Ungrateful.” Your wife gave you children. FFS.
NTA
NTA. Your siblings are not your responsibility. Your younger brother is an adult and deal with his own problems when your own family takes priority. Your Dad’s just feeling guilty and blaming you for it.
NTA
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YOU Are right, THEY are wrong.
NTA. Your responsibilities start at your nuclear family before extending laterally.
NTA
Tell your father that being such a super brother made him a terrible husband and father. However, when you took your vows, you meant them and will always put your wife and the children you chose to bring to this planet first.
NTA- so when that brother going to come and help you support you with your wife recovering?
Take another listen to that song that goes cats in the cradle.
The Dad in that song was horrible and he says that his son grew up to be like him.
But if you listen to the song, the son gives a reason that he can’t come and hang out with his dad is because his own child is ill.
The dad is gaslighting.
I’m sure your sister could have used an uncle or aunt to come and help when they were recovering.
NTA, but I mean are you surprised your dad continues to argue against prioritizing your own family when he is continuing to not help his children? It seems some of you have learned this lesson. Your younger brother will hopefully learn it one day. Helping family is great! And should be encouraged. But you should not have to neglect and sacrifice your own family to do so.
NTA
Your wife just had a baby via a c-section. She takes priority over your brother wanting to repair his house. Both him and your father are selfish here.
NTA
You get to pick your priorities.
NTA
Your dad doesn’t get to volunteer your free labor and time away from YOUR own family and responsibilities
Brother can either accept what’s offered or go hire someone.
NTA for prioritizing your wife and new baby, over your brother’s house renovation. You are already a better father than your own father was.
NTA. Your priorities are correct.
NTA call your brother back and tell him you will not be helping him with his home at all. Tell you dad to stay out of it; you will be caring for your wife who just had major surgery!
NTA. Your wife will be recovering from major surgery, and shall have lifting restrictions, as well as needing to rest to heal properly. She should be your priority,100%. You love your sibling, but that doesn’t mean you ignore your wife’s medical needs to help him out, especially when he didn’t even consult you before assuming you’d be helping.
why in the fuck did your father even have kids if his mindset was to throw them aside when his siblings called? on the list of people who shouldn’t ever have kids, people like your father are close to the top. I can’t imagine how miserable it must have been for you and mom growing up. NTA
NTA. Your siblings are family, but your wife and children should always take priority.
Especially over stuff like “my house needs painting”
NTA –
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>He kept arguing and I said I am not going to be him, abandoning his wife for days on end and neglecting his family. He called me an ungrateful brat. My mom says she agrees with what I’m doing but I should’ve just stuck to I wasn’t helping.
Probably felt good to get that off your chest.
Your new family is more important than the old family. You’re doing the right thing.
NTA, it’s nice to hear a considerate husband. Your dad is an AH.
NTA. Good for you for cutting the cycle.
My brother in law expected my husband to help lay sod ant their new home instead of spending his precious time off with his newborn son. Then later in life attempted to break the bond between my kids when my husband would not comply.
2x csection mom here who also had a 1yr old and 3yr old when my 3rd was born. I’d divorce OP for even considering going while I was still healing. Definitely NTA, but grandpa is.
NTA. The way out of this is, “Family comes first, extended family second. If you’re not my wife or my child, you’re *extended family.* I will always put MY family first.”
Then repeat, “My family comes before extended family,” as necessary, but otherwise don’t argue and just go take care of your wife and children.
And knock off that silly nonsense about helping with projects at all while your wife is less than 6 months postpartum — you should be using every last ounce of energy during that time to take work off her to help her recovery. DO NOT go do someone else’s house project.
Your wife just had a c-section. Why isn’t your brother over at your place cooking and cleaning? And why did your father contact you to advocate for your brother? After all, by your account he neglected all of his children while you were growing up. Why is he getting involved now? I don’t understand your father’s and brother’s value system, but I do understand hypocrisy and selfishness.
NTA
Ungrateful?
What should you be grateful for, an absent dad?
Actually, that’s what I would have told him. “Yeah dad, I’m real grateful for every time you weren’t there when I needed you.” After which I’d hang up. I’m an adult, nobody gets to call me a brat.
NTA.
Your younger brother sounds a bit daft.