“Is it wrong for me to refuse to lie about my siblings being adopted by my dad’s wife, even if she cries and begs me to change my mind? Should I prioritize my siblings’ feelings and not give in to pressure from my dad and his wife? #stepmomdrama #adoptingsiblings #familyconflict”
**Background: The Adoption Situation**
– Dad’s wife, Kim, wants to adopt me and my siblings
– We went through therapy and interviews, and all of us said we didn’t want Kim to adopt us
– The judge denied the adoption, citing that it wasn’t in our best interests
**Pressure from Dad and Kim**
– Dad and Kim constantly pressure me to change my mind
– Dad wants me to pretend I’m okay with my siblings being adopted
– Kim cries when I refuse, making me feel guilty
– Dad insists that I’m not thinking of my siblings’ well-being
– Kim believes she deserves to be our adoptive mom
**My Stand and Dilemma**
– I refuse to lie to my siblings or trick them into accepting Kim as their adoptive mother
– I stand firm against pressure from Dad and Kim, regardless of Kim’s tears
– Am I wrong for prioritizing my siblings’ feelings and not giving in to pressure from Dad and Kim?
NTA. While it’s a good sign that she didn’t just lose interest when she birthed a child it’s strange and counterproductive the way she and your sad are going about trying to have Kim adopt you. It’s probably worth telling them you find the term birth mother insulting and that while they’re trying to erase your mother you’ll never accept Kim.
NTA.
The petty and immature part of my brain was like: Oh, well, if nothing else is getting through to your dad and stepmom about how offensive their language is, maybe you could start referring to her as “birth mom” in relation to her own baby/ your half sibling.
Obviously the baby is too young to understand, but the adults aren’t, and it might be interesting to see how they respond to someone offering to, say, “Take baby from the birth mom for a bit,” or, “I’ll watch baby so (his/her) birth mom can (do thing),” or, “Oh, this cute lil button? They’re my half- (sis/bro). We share a dad, and that’s the birth mom over there.”
It’s super petty and not something I’d normally recommend … but she did introduce the terminology into the household, and is apparently still using it in reference to your mom, so …
NTA and on a side note: please check you have anything left from your mother locked away and safe. There’s a real possibility it would be destroyed in a tantrum some day. And I hope you regularly talk about your memories with your mom to help the younger ones remember her. Mine passed away when I was 12 and I wish I could remember her better.
NTA. Nobody should ask you to lie about your feelings or trick your siblings. This is selfish behaviour from your father and stepmother.
I would remind your father and stepmother that stepmothers can be an important part of kids’ lives. The adoption isn’t necessary and doesn’t really change anything.
I saw that someone suggested you tell your siblings you are fine with them being adopted if that is what they really want. It may clear things up between you and your father. I think what really happened is the counselling helped each of you individually realize it’s not what you want.
I’m sorry you lost your mother.
NTA. You might want to see if you can speak to an attorney who specializes in family law. Perhaps someone that does some pro bono work (meaning free). They might be able to help you and your siblings get into more consistent contact with your mother’s side of the family and even establish some sort of visitation with that side of the family as well as allowing you and your siblings regular visits with a therapist to help you deal with how your dad and Kim are harassing you about your relationship with Kim and their desire to have you and your siblings adopted by her against your and your siblings’ wishes.
The courts could even assign a guardian ad litem to you and your siblings. This is someone who is suppose to only help to do whatever is in the bests interests of the child/children. They would only act or make suggestions that would be in the best interests of the child/children without any influence from parents/stepparents or anyone else.
I’m only suggesting this because you are closer to being adult aged and I fear that your dad and Kim may try to distance your siblings from you once you are of legal age in order to convince them to be adopted.
Your father and Kim are aholes. They are making light of the connection you and your siblings had with your mother. They are disrespecting the memory of your mother. They are disrespecting and disregarding your and your siblings’ feelings. They just completely missed the point.
I hope things get better for you and your siblings.
NTA. You and your siblings are valid individuals, and your responses and emotions are important and genuine.
NTA, and yeah, bonus mum, shouldn’t be calling your mum, your birth mum, it’s disrespectful. You also don’t need her permission to talk about your mum.
They can’t force a happy family. Has your dad ever asked you how you truly feel about the situation? What it is you and your siblings want? Forcing you to lie and not caring about your feelings, is poor behaviour from the adult in this situation. Bonus mum is not respecting your boundaries. Bonus mum has set herself up for hurt, and you, nor your siblings are to blame for her tears.
I hope as a family you can come to a solution where you are all happy. Take care.
Probably not the most mature thing to do but start calling your dad (especially around other people) your “birth father” instead of “dad” and see how he likes it! Or ask your stepmother how she would feel if something was to happen to her, and someone else kept calling her just her daughter’s “birth mother” and trying to erase her existence- bet she wouldn’t like that!
NTA
The entire reason the courts interviewed you and your siblings was exactly WHY they are being AHs wanting you to lie.
Kim is not your mom.
Why is it such a big deal to your stepmother that she be your “real” mother? It’s so arbitrary.
NTA. You sound very mature for being 15, even more mature than your dad and stepmother who are trying to manipulate you to manipulate your siblings into agreeing to something that none of you want, and in the grand scheme doesn’t matter
NTA
She’s become the wicked stepmother.
NTA have you explained how hurtful she is being by calling your mom a “birth mom “? She has only pushed you away and made everything more difficult. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
NTA
And as someone even older than your dad and stepmum, let me make something perfectly clear to you:
Not only are you NTA under any circumstances, and not required to give Kim a role in your life that you are uncomfortable with, or accept her as your “new mum”, please don’t feel that there is any legal reason you have to, either.
Your dad trying to tell you that it’s a problem for you not to have a second “legal parent” is absolute bullshit. I don’t know whether he’s deliberately being disingenuous or is just poorly informed, and honestly it doesn’t matter because it is HIS responsibility as the adult here to understand his legal options. But there ARE plenty of legal options for him to ensure you are protected in case something happens to him, other than having Kim adopt you. He could have her named legal guardian, or write a will naming her as your custodian, or any number of other options that any lawyer could easily explain to him. There is literally no reason why she “has” to adopt you to ensure that you are taken care of. None.
NTA. You dad is. These things just don’t work if they are forced.
Nta, your Stepmother and Father are the asshole.
I would ask her how she would feel if her baby grew caling her “birth giver” vs “mom”. I would ask your dad the same “is it ok if I call you sperm donor instead”? Really drive it home that you dislike the notion that your Mother is being so disrespected by the one pushing you all into this nonsense of being your “bonus mom”. Remind her that winning you or them over is not about forced love but actual concern. Forming real bonds.
Like saying “I know I’m not your Mom. And I would never take her place. But if you give me a chance I would like to try to be there for you.” Like being genuine now days seems to be harder than being manipulative and I personally just don’t get it.
Anyway, good luck; sounds like you and your siblings need it.
Nta. But you gotta be the adult here, for them.
You need to sit kim down, alone really, and just tell her “listen. I appreciate that youre around and its nice having another responsible adult i can come to if i need anything but you need to tone this mom thing down. Right now as far as im concerned youre my dads wife, and i know you dont want to just be that. Stop referring to her as my birth mother. Stop pushing so hard on all of to make us feel like youre our mother. Stop pushing for the adoption every 2 weeks. Please take a step back and give us the chance to warm up to you, because right now i think me you and dad should see a family therapist and sort this push for adoption out first to really begin having a relationship”.
Hopefully she’ll get it. Maybe she wont. But you can say you gave it an honest try.
Is there some sort of legal advantage she would have over you if she could adopt you? Her insistance on it is wierd to say the least.
NTA
NTA.
It might be worth reminding your father that you and your siblings were all asked individually about this (not as a group), which seems to make it clear that they have their own opinions.
Sounds like Kim and your dad need therapy for being so obsessed about what is essentially just a piece of paper as you are living as a blended family anyway, and their manipulative behaviour is very counter-productive.
Stand your ground, and hope you have another family member or trusted adult who can support you.
NTA
I just do not understand these posts about parents remarrying after the death of the other parent and demanding the kids go along with being adopted. Just cause the parent can move on doesn’t mean the kids can.
NTA your father and STEPMOTHER are manipulative a-holes. The “birth mother” is so insulting, your stepmother isn’t your mother to begin with. Just ignore them, as the judge says is not in your best interest to be adopted by someone you and your siblings CLEARLY don’t love as a mother. Don’t let them manipulate you into consenting.
NTA. Tell every teacher, counsellor, friend’s parent, and court officer exactly the kind of strongarming and manipulation your dad and Kim are trying to pull.
How dare they prioritise a woman’s ego over the needs of four kids who lost their mum?!
Tell your dad if they attempt the adoption again, you will make sure to tell the counselor and judge the whole story of what is going on. How dad and Kim are being emotionally manipulative, how Kim refers to your mom as a birth parent, and how dad is trying to force you to coerce your siblings to agree to the adoption. I know it’s a lot, but you do need to protect your siblings as much as possible.
NTA and given how manipulative the two of them are being it might be in your best interest to record these types of conversations.
NTA. Your father and step mother may have good intentions, but they’re trying too hard to force a legal adoption too fast while skipping the step of actual bonding. That being said, it might be nice to clear the air with your siblings by telling them you’ll still love them even if they get adopted. DON’T lie to them and say you’re getting adopted, that’ll just make them feel more pressured, but it may be a good idea to tell them whatever they choose it won’t change your relationship and let the choice be entirely theirs.
I’m a divorced man. I’d *never* do this to my kid. NTA. You owe this woman nothing. Be there for your siblings because their parents don’t seem to have their best interests at the forefront of their minds. Good luck.
Honestly why the people on the west forcing this relationship??
She is not their mom, she is not related to them by blood so if they don’t like calling the stepmom “mom” where is the problem here??
If they like itvthen that’s ok but if they want to respect their late mom and just want a different kind of bond with the stepmom then the dad and the stepmom forcing the “iam your mom” agenda that’s will create negative reaction from the kids.
In my culture we calling the stepmom/father by ” uncle /aunt”
We respect her like a mom but we never calling her that and never deleting the real mom memories from our life.
Sheesh let the kids feel free about their emotions.
Sorry this is your experience.
NTA, I’m guessing your on here because of the power imbalance. You know your mind don’t let them overwelm your thoughts with theirs.
Unfortunately this isn’t going to improve it sounds like it is trending in the wrong direction, you dad’s wife has attached herself to this fantasy and it sounds like your dad just wants her to be happy and stop complaining to him about it.
So game plan your options. Some ideas if you currently have a blank page.
Therapy. It sounds like this stopped with the court thing. You can utilize family therapy to get a good counselor to tell your dad to back off appropriately. You might need to do some strategy to get them to agree. Maybe something like :If we were ever to do adoption we would need to all pass the next round of therapy so shouldn’t we start again now.
Advocacy. Is there another adult that can make sure your dad and his wife get called on their bs. Aunt uncle. Someone at school? You’re looking for someone your dad and his wife show respect to or are afraid of.
Hobbies, side hustle, job. Anything to get you out of the house more. Aim here is to limit their manipulation and give you a headstart if you want to explore limited or no contact as you legally reach independence.
Also think about what are the habits of the easiest days with them. How can you repeat little things that will make your life easier. You can experiment here. For example if you get your dad a beer at the end of his day does he give you more or less grace. You can then choose to do things that you know are likely to get you an easier day.
Siblings, you are doing a great job here from your words. And this is the hardest bit. Continue to be a great big brother you are going to get played in your words and actions. Best thing you can do to maintain their trust is frequent honest chats. They will see you say what you mean and do what you say and hopefully they can follow you out. But remeber that’s only a burden you carry if you can. You always need to live for you first.
Good luck, there is a few years of this dynamic make the best of it what you can.
Hugs
NTA. You can be a good stepmom without legally adopting your step kids. This is super over the top and controlling.
I’m kinda petty on this front.
I would start using “birth father” instead of “dad” at every opportunity.
See how they like those apples.
If it’s not disrespectful to your Mom, then surely daddio will have no problems with it.
These two *adults* are trying to force something so hard, that they are going to get the opposite of what they want.
Allowing the relationships to grow *naturally* is what a REAL mother would do.
Being a mother is so much more than a title.
It’s also teaching your kids to love themselves enough to hold their own boundaries.
Edit to add: I was married and on my 3rd child before I called my stepfather “Dad”. He had been in my life since I was 11.
He earned that title. Through just being there, in the role. Loving me.
He also asked to adopt. I refused, as my last name was all I had left. He didn’t push.
Being my Dad, in his actions, was enough for his ego.
NTA
Is it just me, or is using the term “bonus mom” to kids whose mother has died insensitive as hell? Doubly so with “birth mother”.
I suspect that your father is worried about what will happen to you all if he dies, but he and Kim need to back off, give you all space, allow your individual relationships with her to develop naturally, and accept the way they evolve.
I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but if your stepmother adopts you, it permanently erases,, your mother‘s name off of your birth certificate. That can be really traumatic sometimes for children I would maybe relay the message to your siblings if you feel comfortable doing that. And it will make it harder for your maternal grandparents or family to see you. I hope you still have photos or videos of your mother at least in your own bedrooms. This is more to make your dad’s wife ego bigger. She should really go to therapy to get some closure.
NTA
How old is Kim’s baby now? You know that weird way adults talk to each other through a baby? I’d start using the words “birth mother” when you talk to that baby. Like “oh no baby, you have a poop diaper, go see birth mother so she can change you” as you hand Kim the baby.
See how she likes it 🤷🏻♀️
Not sure what country you are in, but if dad and Kim are trying to limit contact with your mom’s side of the family and replace her, then adoption is a legal way to do that. Once you’re Kim’s kids legally, idk if your mom’s side of the family like grandparents aunts etc. has any legal standing to insist upon being able to see you guys. Not a lawyer and I could be wrong but it feels very off to me either way
>My dad would also say we were making their lives more difficult
That’s right dad. It’s all about you.
NTA
Your sibs are entitled to their view as are you. If you lie to them, when they find out, they will hold you responsible for everything based on that lie.
You are NTA, but YWBTA if you did!