Is my husband’s refusal to pick up the pregnancy test a deal-breaker? #pregnancy #relationships #helpneeded
Hey everyone, situation alert! 🚨 My hubby hasn’t picked up the pregnancy test I asked for, and I’m feeling really torn. Hit me with your thoughts! 🤔
Background
– I’m 27 and asked my husband (also 27) to grab a pregnancy test.
– He hasn’t done it and I’m wondering if this is a red flag.
My Concerns
1. Is his reluctance a sign of bigger issues?
2. Should I be worried about our future together?
3. How should I address this with him?
What would you do in my shoes? Any advice or similar experiences are welcome! Let’s chat! 💬
Remember, your input could make a huge difference. Thanks in advance, pals! 🙌 #relationshipadvice #pregnancyproblems #communicationiskey
Girl prove in court he can’t care for the kids and you’ll get custody. It’s not your fault you didn’t know how much he sucked, but it will be your fault if you stay.
I’d rather die alone and get eaten by rats than endure even half of that list. Please realize how much of your energy is spend on a man who doesn’t love you when you wear the wrong glasses! GLASSES!
No idea why, but the glasses kind of make everything else so much worse.
It is your house and he barely works, doesn’t do chores, does cause chores (men add 6 hours of hpusehold chores/week) and overall I really am wondering what he adds to your life that is in any way positive?
>Mainly, I’m afraid he’ll struggle to adequately take care of the kids on his own with split custody like changing diapers on time, feeding them often enough and nutritiously, dressing them for the weather etc.
Talk to a lawyer and ask how to handle these concerns. Maybe you’d be able to prove he can’t handle it?
>The things he does do I would then have to do myself, I wonder wether that is worth it
He causes more work than he takes of your shoulders from what you described.
>We are great friends
You are not. I’d never treat my friends like this, let alone a spouse.
> I should have known it would be like this when he never learned to replace toilet paper rolls, it’s my own fault.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Accept it for what it is and make choices for a better future.
As a person who has watched my mother be in a controlling relationship for years I can tell you, you’re screwing up your kids. They will grow up thinking this is normal. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviours when I met my partner. I used to make him double check any shopping or any spending of my money. He got so upset with it he eventually sat me down and told me he felt like my dad having to ‘approve’ every purchase I made.
He’s actively disrespecting you and your kids, even to the extent of giving you both thrush!? He doesn’t value you as a person and does, according to your own list, nothing towards the daily act of parenting. Why would you want to be with him? Your kids will be better off when you leave him and regain your confidence and control over your own life. You deserve more than a life walking on eggshells.
…Damn, you live like this? This is your life? And you accepted it? I feel like leaving would be infinitely better than staying, like, look at what you wrote.
Fwiw I work in DV and these are control games that tend to escalate until you’re exhausted. It can even end up in violence – someone who feels entitled to control which glasses you pick can take that extra step sometimes.
I know his issues obviously stem from damage and it’s okay to feel bad for him. It’s not okay for him to make you fix his issues though, and it won’t work.
He has to decide on his own what kind of person he’s going to be. Every time he makes you help him feel better by controlling your glasses or your time or any other thing that seems small… It makes him feel happy for a little bit. But it also reinforces all the negative things he’s telling himself about himself. And obviously it’s not fair to you!
You don’t have to decide right now. You can just take a small step, just for now, and see how that feels and see what happens. Then you have time to adjust and it’s less pressure – hugs
Queen, I don’t think you even realize what’s going on here.
You’re making excuses for him and all his flaws. And he doesn’t seem to be doing a single thing to work on himself or help you out.
The gift giving is a typical attempt to get out of taking real accountability and doing self work.
This man is constsntly destroying your self esteem so that you think he’s amazing or better than you deserve. In reality, you’d be better off without him. The things he says are so horrendous and malicious, I’m not sure how you even manage to like him as a person anymore.
You are not great friends or friends at all. No way. Nope. Not after that long list. You are familiar acquaintances bound by obligation and familiarity.
A 21 point bullet list of how awful your husband and how you can’t stand the man anymore. Whew. I’ll focus on point 18 because many have to do with your children, and clearly he’s just a bad dad – the dirty dishes, etc. Surely his piss poor cleaning habits were present before the nuptials, correct? Why did you even marry this man? Stop having kids.
As for the reasons you stay, point 1 – just push for full custody, then.
You are great friends? Really? There’s not a person in the world that I’m close with that I’d sit down and write a diatribe like this.
Holy shit. This is the life you’re choosing? Madness.
This is so depressing. I don’t see a single reason to stay.
Don’t you think you deserve better? I think you do.
I feel a little sick after reading your post. The bar is in hell. I guarantee you will be happier and healthier out of there.
If you’re concerned about co-parenting, try not to worry; he will either get his act together and start taking care of them properly (which is likely when he realises he can’t rely on you to do it), or it will be obviously bad enough that you can get more custody/full custody. I know it’s not ideal but it’s better than living with him 24/7 and having him model that to your kids. You’ll just need to be vigilant to signs of neglect and document everything carefully.
This man will drag you down forever if you let him. Can you really picture living like this forever? I’m so sad for you.
>Mainly, I’m afraid he’ll struggle to adequately take care of the kids on his own with split custody like changing diapers on time, feeding them often enough and nutritiously, dressing them for the weather etc.
This is not a good enough reason to stay. He won’t want 50/50 custody because he won’t be able to handle it. Talk to an attorney and find out your options. If you have proof about him yelling at the kids and being unable to handle bedtime, or his neglect of them (snacks), that may help.
I can’t believe you’re only 27. You’re soooooo young!!! Your life will be better when you only have 2 kids and not 3. Kick him out. It’s your house after all.
If you stay, you will be modelling this relationship to your children, if you have daughters they will pick men like their dad, if you have sons they will treat partners the same as you are treated.
If your daughter followed in your footsteps and came to you with a similar story to your post, would you tell her to stay or leave?
I’ll only speak to custody: that was one of my biggest reasons not to leave my ex. We’re not divorced and he hasn’t seen the kids this year at all, with only about 5 hours total in the last 13 months. A man who behaves similarly to your husband will not actually maintain any relationship with your kids once he leaves.
As for the rest, go get a job. Get him out of your house. Controlling behaviors never get better, only worse.
Girl what the hell are you DOING with this guy? He’s a selfish drain on you. He literally withheld saying he loved you because he didn’t like your GLASSES. And he wasn’t even going to say anything about it. There are about 10 million things wrong here and they are all him. Please consider leaving
Have you ever asked him, “What would you say you do here?” He has an excuse for everything. It sounds like all he does is complain and try to control your life. He needs individual therapy at the very least but doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do anything.
You and your children are essentially being mentally abused, he’s cutting you off from friends, treating you as a maid/nanny and yet you stay. Why are you bothering to post here? We made it clear in your last post that your husband is terrible, are you just hoping there will be one comment that agrees with you?
May this life never be mine, id rather die.
“he was really sweet” … Girl… I couldn’t finish reading your bullet points because this is nonsense. This is an absolute nightmare, crazy situation to put up with.
I feel terrible for any child with a father like this and a mother who accepts this (in turn teaching offspring this is okay and healthy). Seek therapy–I mean that genuinely and not facetiously.
This man is not your friend, never mind a partner or a coparent.
This is a grown adult child with issues he’s refusing to address. He is not carrying his weight in the relationship or within the family unit.
He is frankly a *danger* to your child – leaving a nail fungus to fester and refusing treatment until *the baby gets thrush* ? That is beyond the realm of irresponsibility.
Why would you want this .. for the rest of your life ? Do you think it’s going to get better ? It isn’t. He’s not going to parent if you split – he’ll leave you with all that responsibility the way you’re doing it now. You’re going to get a lot of mental peace and stability without him in the picture, however.
Girl what your con list is as long as the Bible and your pros list is barely three sentences. Stop staying with a controlling weirdo! Ugh OP come on. Find the strength.
Do you want your children to look at your relationship and think “yeah, I want to be mistreated and controlled just like mommy!”
Girl- you deserve way more than this. From what you’ve written here he is selfish, self-serving, and doesn’t mind hurting you and your kids if it saves him from being inconvenienced. That’s not how I’d treat a friend, let alone my partner. He works part time but doesn’t pull his weight. He won’t eat what you cook but doesn’t take on the burden of cooking for the family and will *deny your hungry child food.* He makes life more difficult for you by undermining you in large and small ways. He isolates and demeans you. He puts unrealistic expectations on you and then punishes you for not meeting them. YOU DESERVE BETTER, and your kids deserve better. Please – seriously think about how it would feel to live like this for 10, 20, 30 more years. Think about watching your son(s?) treat their partners this way or your daughter(s?) be treated this way.
Oh honey 🙁 I’m sorry your partner doesn’t act like a partner to you. It seems like he doesn’t want to be impacted by anybody else’s existence, and needs complete control over his environment.
Like, even the things he’s doing regarding health concerns are inconsistent. If he thinks he has all these sensitivities, why not seek diagnosis? If health and contamination concerns are important to him, why not seek treatment for known problems like fungus? He doesn’t want to have to (and definitely couldn’t handle being told he’s wrong), that’s why. Everyone else though? They need to bend over backwards to accommodate or convince him they have needs too.
Thats just not someone I could see myself ever being relaxed around. I mean, leaving the window open all night with a fresh baby in the room? Making *you* clean up the diarrhea when it was *him* that veto’d the cleaners??
It just points to a level of selfishness that is truly concerning.
He isn’t your friend, friends don’t treat each other like that.
He will have to learn to look after your children if you aren’t around to do everything.
He is an awful partner.
How can you write out all those bullet points and still want to be with him?
If he can’t provide the care to children on his own then he shouldn’t have any custody. If that’s how you describe a friend… oh boy, I feel sorry for you.
Girl, why are you with this man? You’re doing everything and he seems lazy and a hypochondriac (he should get tested to make sure he has these things).
You’d be better off divorcing and having a 50/50 split so at least you get a free week to yourself.
This is literally heartbreaking to read. This man is deeply abusive. He is not a sweetheart.
This is… like I cannot explain just how sad reading this made me.
You deserve better than this – you deserve to know better than this and I hope you find it. Because I don’t know that you will understand just how not OK all of this behavior from him until you’re on the other side of it and away from it.
Your kids deserve better than this.
i don’t think i could handle a lunch with your husband let alone a life with him
He will learn, to do the things, like changing diapers, when you split. It will suck, and there will be growing pains, but it will ultimately be better that way. Men love to use weaponized incompetence to their advantage, but do just fine when forced.
Plus, you’re essentially doing it by yourself now anyway.
You married a toddler.
Dude, OP…. you aren’t a parent to one kid, you are a parent to 2. Listen to me very carefully, YOU DESERVE BETTER!
He doesn’t feel like he loves you when he doesn’t like your glasses?!? He actually said that out loud? Dude sounds like a lot of work with no real reward.
I’m not sure what kind of advice you’re looking for here, but I just want to say this post made me unspeakably sad. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids?
Every other story I’ve heard like this (and it’s a common one)–when the overworked partner leaves, they are massively happier because they’re no longer dragging along the deadweight of a partner who doesn’t do their share. Even the single parents are happier when they leave, even with multiple kids. They might have had a lot of fear before leaving, but once they finally did, things were great for them.
I hope you make the best decision for YOU and YOUR KIDS.