Is your husband showing random hostility towards you?
Wondering how to handle the situation? Here are some tips to help you navigate through this challenging time.
#hostilehusband #relationshipadvice #spousalconflict #emotionalhealth #communicationtips
Recognize the Signs
– Pay attention to consistent patterns of behavior
– Take note of triggers that lead to hostility
– Trust your instincts if you feel unsafe
Seek Support
– Talk to a therapist or counselor
– Reach out to friends or family for guidance
– Consider couples therapy to address underlying issues
Set Boundaries
– Communicate openly and assertively
– Establish boundaries for acceptable behavior
– Enforce consequences if boundaries are crossed
Remember, your emotional well-being is important. Don’t hesitate to seek help and support when dealing with a hostile spouse.
Sounds like this isn’t necessarily about your relationship but it’s more about him. He clearly has an issue(s) where he gets triggered and responds inappropriately. Maybe he needs to address that before you could address any issues with the relationship. Your difficulty will be getting him to accept that without the suggestion itself, triggering him. Perhaps if you could get him into therapy with you, the therapist could get him to accept individual counselling. Good luck.
Why would you stay with him? Your entire OP, save for when he was briefly nice to you in the past, is about his abuse towards you. And the scene at Luckys? That was physical abuse, even if it didn’t cause you pain. He literally put his hand(s) on you in order to intimidate.
Therapy is great, and I’m a big believer in therapy. But he needs intensive individual therapy before he can be in any place to maintain a healthy relationship.
“I shrink back…I am exhausted…living with a really mean person… separate bedrooms…” Is this what you’re staying for?
Something is going on with him and has been going on for a while.
I think that this is entirely all about him. And I think that he needs a lot more help than what he is getting. He needs personal therapy.
It is also very clear to me that things are getting progressively worse and more violent. Things are at a place now where are you actually don’t trust him and you don’t feel safe around him, that’s why you can’t sleep in his presence. Because you don’t feel safe. That’s pretty huge. Huge.
Let me ask you a question here. It’s a nasty question but I would like for you to consider it. Do you think that it’s possible that he’s been wearing a mask and hiding himself and hiding who he really is for the past 5 years and now he is starting to think that it is safe and starting to let his guard down and you are starting to see who he really is on the inside?
Have things gotten worse only after starting to get therapy? What I’m trying to figure out is, is there something that has started to trigger him becoming worse and worse very fast? If you cannot find out a trigger, definitely he needs to start going to therapy, it could be that he has some sort of physical brain issue going on, but probably it relates to his mental health and that something has been bothering him and it is really taking its toll.
Anywho, things in this relationship right now are extremely bad and it’s to the point where you can’t sleep in his presence. If you start to not be able to sleep at all, I think that both of you need to find separate dwelling so that you can’t sleep because once you are not able to sleep life will start to unravel and untangle extremely quickly because of how very important sleep is. I am wondering if you might be at this point right now already where it would be better for both of you to live separately. Maybe he can go live with a relative or something for a little while. Or maybe with mom. Or a sister.
I would honestly ask him to talk to someone, it sounds like he is depressed or struggling with
Someone and lacks the ability to communicate it or express it, so has bottled it up and it’s presenting as resentment.
Also, after he is done talking to someone about this, you need to figure out if you think you can be safe in this relationship. He tried to get physical with you because of his stress and issues, and it just didn’t work: which can lead to acting out. There is a reason why most of the time when a women murders her partner… it’s with a weapon or poison. Not suggesting he is thinking of murdering you, but if you don’t feel safe, and not sure how you would in this relationship, it’s time to look for an exit,
I’d be gone.
I guess the thing that bothers me, and you touched on it, is if you were shorter would he have held back in the first place? Like before the therapy stuff. You make it sound like the only thing that stopped him was the fact that it likely wouldn’t have gone well for him, and that’s concerning.
Also, it’s easy for people to feel miserable after the fact. The real measure is if they are able to actually stop the behaviour, not just try to manipulate you with their guilt afterwards.
Has he seen a medical doctor? Because the way I’m reading this, it’s screaming that he may have a medical issue making him act this way. Please get him to see a doctor immediately unless that’s been thoroughly investigated already.
Ha she been check medically for things that might cause aggression and mood swings? If not that’s a priority.
Whatever the outcome I think you at the very least need to take a physical break from him and the relationship. It doesn’t seem safe (physically/emotionally/psychologically. Start with a temporary break if that seems easier. It can always be permanent later.
It doesn’t really matter that he recognises that he does behave that way he is still being abusive. Abusers generally are fully aware of what they are doing and will often apologise after. It’s a control tactic.
You said he breaks things on purpose. Does he break his things?? I doubt it.
Yes, you proceed by leaving him and getting divorced.
Why on earth would you stay with someone abusing you? Just because you haven’t been physically injured (yet) doesn’t mean you should stick around.
You listed basic relationship things he’s done for you, and for that you think he deserves your patience while he abuses you? I get that there are reasons why he is the way he is, and often when we know the reason for someone’s bad behavior or hurtful choices, it’s far too easy to turn those reasons into excuses. That is what it really looks like you are doing here. Maybe he will change, but there will be more events before that happens. He can heal without your presence. You can’t heal with him present.
It could be medical.
It could be that he’s consuming media about how all women are evil, and acting out based on that.
It could be that he’s cheating, and has to make you the bad guy so he feels less guilty.
It could be that he’s just always been like this.
But whatever it is, he’s on the edge of physical abuse, if not there already. I would probably classify the shoulder grab as abuse. Throwing things is a threat of abuse. And of course he’s been emotionally abusive for some time.
Is the therapy really helping? It seems like he’s making more apologetic mouth noises but actually getting worse. I think you need to leave, at least temporarily.
I have a couple questions for you.
* Is he this way with other people, or only with you?
* Have you ever asked to go to his therapy session with him? I don’t know that I necessarily believe his therapist told him to call you names.
* Are there any other changes in his behavior aside from the violent outbursts? Anything physical?
The way I see it, either he has a medical condition, he’s starting to show you his “real” self, or he’s hiding something big from you. I’d have him checked out by a medical professional (neurologist) to rule that out.
I think you feel overly confident that because you are taller and well trained in martial arts that he can’t actually physically hurt you. In those moments he absolutely wants to hurt you. What happens when he flips out in the kitchen and grabs a knife, or throws something sharp that hits you?
All I can add is I would not feel physically safe walking around an environment where there are tons of IEDs buried. I think it’s time one of you moves out. If you chose to keep working on your marriage do so from a protected place and only after an actual change in his behavior. At the very least the distance may let you see how great it feels to not be walking on eggshells.
Please don’t assume that because of your training and power he will be unable to hurt you. All he has do is get a knife or a gun and come after you and all your training will be useless. And even without that, you may be shocked how powerful even a shorter, weaker man who is in a psychotic rage can be, especially coming at you by surprise. You directly challenged his dominance in the grocery store. That would be more than enough to trigger many men.
Get away from him as quickly and safely as you can.
Could he be sick? Sometimes brain tumors and stuff make peoples personalities change. And his behavior is just so bizarre I can’t see any reasoning behind it.
He obviously needs a new therapist. At 10 years he should have a handle on things, not getting worse.
Your post history is very sad and shows that the situation has been getting worse over the last year. I am sorry for what you have been enduring. Your husband’s behavior seems strange, unpredictable, and abusive, and it’s escalating. I also see that you’ve tried your hardest to make it work for a long period of time. And I fully understand pointing to any good thing as a reason to stick it out longer—but the things you have highlighted as examples of him being a good partner are really standard and bare minimum things that a spouse should provide—listening to you, taking on some of the chores and working to take care of the home he lives in with you, loving you and saying he loves you, etc. From your post history and what you’ve written here, you seem exhausted and on edge, after months and months of being understanding, looking for the best in him, and working to improve things. You shouldn’t have to sign away years of your life before giving yourself permission to be happy and safe.
I am providing some resources that may be helpful. I wish you all the best—you deserve much better than what you’re getting.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/housing-support/
https://ncadv.org/RESOURCES
https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/
*He’s recently tried to physically intimidate me (which is just weird cuz I am 5 inches taller than him and did a variety of martial arts for 10 years.)*
I wonder if for some reason he has starterd to feel emasculated by being smaller and less physically threatening than you are. Absolutely nothing to do with you but if there is some media that he has consumed that has made him feel this way. Or some person in his life that is pushing his buttons about it.
No matter the reasoning it sounds like an unhealthy relationship that you should remove yourself from.
Girl. It literally does not matter than you are taller than him. He is amping up the physical abuse. You need to make a plan to leave. You say he feels remorse… you know what the best, and only acceptable apology is? Changed behavior. Which he isn’t doing. Which he **won’t** do. Come on.
We’re sleeping in separate bedrooms right now cuz I just can’t calm down enough to sleep when he’s near. And I just have nothing left for him.
It sounds like you’re developing a trauma response when you’re around him. This is something that can be overcome, but it’s exceedingly difficult. If you’re already burned out on the relationship, it’s ok to be done and walk away.
If people who are abusive were always abusive and never behaved with any decency, it would be much easier to leave. It would be much more obvious that they’re abusers. I think you’re on the right track speculating that he’s not telling you the truth about what his therapist is saying. He could be lying to his therapist or not disclosing everything or the therapist could be viewing him as someone she really can’t help because he doesn’t want to put in the work, or even all of the above!
Again, it’s ok to be done and walk away. Just because he can’t physically overpower you doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for him to try. It also sounds like he’s escalating the behavior and I’d be worried he’s going to try and hit you. Even if you can defend yourself, you shouldn’t have to. No one should.
Oh so he is nice to you when you’re in a physically and/or emotionally stressed state and when you’re hitting on all fours he starts lashing out emotionally and physically? Huh.
Question: it’s just his word that the ex was a horrible narcissist nightmare, right?
Any sort of personality change needs to be checked out. There could be a physical or psychological reason for this change. The fact that he’s seemingly unaware of the effect of his words and actions until it is explained to him is very odd.
No therapist would tell a patient to call someone derogatory names. It might be worth asking for a joint session with your husband or to offer her information on what’s been happening.
This is very concerning, I think it would be best to get him to a doctor to see if there could be something wrong with his brain. Prioritize yourself though, if you feel like you’re in danger leave.
OP this man will kill you if you don’t leave. He’s probably hiding a whole second life at this point, that or his so called therapist is pocketing money and making him worse. Please gather all your documents, change all your passwords and banking info and find somewhere to stay that he doesn’t know about. It’s important that he doesn’t known you’re planning to leave. You need to have help from friends and family but if that’s not an option, your local area likely has women’s shelters that can offer you a space or advice on how to seek protection