Is my wife cheating on me or just feeling bored in our marriage at 33? #maritalissues #cheating #relationshipadvice
Are you experiencing similar issues in your marriage? #communication #trust #intimacy
Concerned at 33 about your spouse losing interest? #marriageproblems #relationshipdynamics #infidelity
Need advice on how to handle a possible affair in your marriage? #conflictresolution #couplescounseling #relationshipissues
Facing uncertainty about the future of your relationship with your spouse? #divorce #couplestherapy #marriagetroubles
Have you ever felt unsure about your partner’s feelings for you? #emotionalintimacy #personalconnection #loveandtrust
OK, she mentioned the rumor? Well that means that it’s gonna get back to you sooner or later so she’s trying to head it off at the past as it were to give herself cover. As far as she wishes you were more like him, well, you’re not. Your you and you bring unique qualities to the table that he could never match. I’m sorry, but I think if they’re not currently knocking boots, they’re in the planning stage. Since people today seem to live on their damn phone, ask her to see hers and see what her reaction is. That’ll tell you all you need to know, and you’ll figure out how you want to proceed from there. If there are no kids involved and you decide to split, she should be the one that heads out the door and leaves and not you. She created the mess let her live and deal with the consequences of her decisions.
Lots of red flags here!
Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Snoop her phone if your gut is telling you there is more to the story.
Is she saying she actually wants to do something about this staleness or not?
Well, maybe start making an effort for the marriage being more fun. Try date nights, maybe some travel, something, send her unexpected flowers to her job, show her that you don’t want the marriage to go stale
My man, you are underreacting
Dude, this is where you fucked up👇
“Since she has started her new job, she has been talking about a male co-worker quite a lot and they are messaging each other constantly.”
You should have set a boundary right there!
You need to investigate this further.. you need to be reading those texts and collecting/retaining that evidence and talking to an attorney about your options.
Put your poker face on, and do not confront her until you’ve talked to an attorney first.
There’s a lot to unpack here. It’s good you recognise it’s gone stale and you want to change that and hopefully it’s not too late.
At the heart of it is one big question – do you recognise how passive to your own life you have been up to this point? Let’s leave aside what she does or doesn’t do for you and focus on what you can do for the relationship?
What have you done to keep the romance alive generally in recent years? What actions have you taken either with her or outside of your interactions with her to keep the relationship interesting for you both?
My partner and I have many differences but also some shared interests, so it’s easier for us to spend some time doing stuff together like eating out, theatre, cinema, concerts, hiking or sports etc
Underneath these questions though is a passivity that has allowed you to sleepwalk to this place. Think creatively about what you can do. And talk to her, deeply about these things. And also, listen, really listen to her. Not with defensiveness or recrimination, but with an openness. and try to reconnect with what brought you together all those years ago.
Seems your wife is liking the attention or excitement of this male coworker. Maybe that’s what’s lacking in your marriage? It doesn’t seem like either of you are communicating with each other enough. Sounds like the both of you could be putting more effort into rejuvenating your marriage; planning dates, dinners together, maybe a weekend trip. Marriage counseling old also be beneficial.
I do think you need to dig more into this coworker situation and rumor going around. Ask her feelings on him. She shouldn’t let this turn into an emotional affair or worse.
As someone stated in another post, this sub really needs a “Do not marry someone you met when you were both teenagers” bot.
The other guy is a symptom of a larger issue: The state of your emotional connect with your wife. The two of you have let it stagnate. When people say marriage is work, what they mean is that you have to put effort into sustaining your emotional bonds to each other. You haven’t done the work.
You’ve known each other forever. The problem is that you started dating WAY before the process of becoming who you are was complete, and you didn’t maintain your connection as you became two very different people.
It sounds like she has found someone to give her the attention and appreciation you haven’t given her. Why? Your marriage was lonely for her.
You now have to decide if what you have is worth trying to fix. You’re both young enough to go and find people who are much more compatible with the person you’ve become over the last 15 years.
I mean with the way you are describing your marriage this is hardly unexpected. How can you be with someone you love yet do so little together?
She feels your marriage has gone stale and now she’s telling all about this new dude?
She might not be cheating on you, but it’s not a good position to be in.
You need to sit down with her. Tell her your feelings, tell her you want to fight for the relationship and make things work if she does too.
Marriage counseling before you need it.
In your case, it might not be too late to save your marriage, if you want to. But you need to start acting like your wife has already filed for divorce.
Like mentally and emotionally, you have to experience that loss, and get to the part where you’re willing to do the work to save your marriage BEFORE it’s too late. And dude, it might be already.
Get the Gottmans 7 principles book today. Like, deliver it tonight if you can. Start doing the work.
Because if you sit on your hands, and shit goes wrong in the coming weeks, you’re going to feel some loss like you’ve never imagined, when you realize how important she is/was to you.
This is it. This is your warning. This is the time when you don’t get to say later “I had no idea how bad things were.”
>they are messaging each other constantly. I wasn’t too concerned previously as he is also married… I don’t know what they could possible have left to message each other after hours.
Bro come on, don’t try to act like the cool guy. You know what is going on
>What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv?
What do you want to do with that time? Life is too short to spend it staring at a screen together. Take a walk, work on the garden, try new foods, plan a trip or just things to do on the weekend, see friends (individually or together), go to the gym.
>But I really don’t know what to do about this. What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv?
Literally anything would be more exciting than this. It feels stale because it is stale and you have both consistently been putting your energy elsewhere for a while. I hate to ask, but how do you feel about the marriage, putting the issue of the guy at work aside for a minute? Because it doesn’t sound like you have a particularly strong connection at this point and you don’t seem to want to change that. It sounds like you’ve grown apart. It’s something that can probably be fixed but you both have to want to fix it. I guess my concern is that you might respond reflexively to this other guy situation and try to save something that you otherwise would be fine letting go of.
She’s at the very least having and emotional affair probably even physically
Tell her to stop texting him after work hours if she can’t do that divorce her. It’s simple
This is where I’d do a pop in visit at her work. Introduce yourself to her coworker with a crushing handshake. Tell him you’re glad he’s looking out for your wife and to let you know if she’s fooling around. That if you find out she’s cheating, you’ll beat the other man to a bloody pulp. You do all this with the most crazy face you can muster.
She’s openly telling you that she’s talking and presumably flirting so badly with a married colleague that people at work think they’re having an affair.
Zero reason to be texting a married man every day outside of work. Yes people can have friends, but married friends aren’t texting all day everyday and rumoured to be having an affair.
I’d be invading her privacy looking at her phone and issuing an ultimatum to rein it in or you’ll initiate a separation.
She’s on the verge of an affair imo if she’s not actually triggered one already.
You are underreacting, she is most likely cheating on you.
>she says she is bored
>she has been talking about a male co-worker quite a lot
>they are messaging each other constantly
If it isn’t work related then it is a 🚩
>she told me recently that a rumour has gone around their office about the 2 of them which has got people talking.
She is trying to damage control the situation before the “rumour” start raising suspicion, there would be no such rumour if nothing happened because it is normal for males and females to work together so for there to be a rumour there has to be something between them.
First: do you want to be married to her?
It sounds you guys don’t really like eachother all that much, I mean, you both work during the week, and on the weekend you guys go your separate ways, you also have different interests and even on the little time you guys coincide on the week, you don’t really Interact with eachother.
OP, you need to go into detective mode. Understand, you are taking this far too lightly. You need to get into your wife’s electronics ASAP. Do not say a word of your suspicions until you get to the bottom of this.
your severely under reacting
She’s having an emotional affair, at least. She may not be aware of it, or she may be minimizing and a lot more is going on.
Broham, to be honest, you don’t even sound like you care. You are under reacting, my dude.
She thinks??? WTF 😂
let her go.
when the dude she is fucking right now gets tired.of her he will dump her and she will come crawling back. at which point you get the last laugh.
This sounds like the precursor to a “ let’s have an open relationship “ discussion so she can fk her coworker in peace. You better start having some hard conversations before it goes any further
Here is what I would do in your position. I would tell her thank you for letting you know and I would tell her that once she crosses the line that the marriage is untenable and she cannot come back anymore. Also pack her a bag and change the locks and tell her that she is free to investigate her sexuality and what she needs to do.
I would tell you to move half of your savings immediately. Put it in account she can’t access. She’s on a slippery slope now. The good news is she let you know, but she may have run across the line.
People who seem to react quickly to information seem to do better in the long run. Their self-esteem recovers more because they’re standing up for themselves.
Don’t take what you don’t want. It will never work out. Open relationships don’t work out just in case you thought about doing that. The only thing to do now is take care of yourself and put her away so she can’t do more harm to you.
You can try couples counseling, but I will guarantee within a year. It will have done very little. It is more cliché these days than a an actual solution.
Could it change? Yep, you do have a few of those things and she will be shocked and realize that she’s taking a step that she may not recover from if she doesn’t stop.
She’s in Limerence and has a crush on somebody. Most people, especially women that are like this are very self-destructive.
You need to see the texts between them
So you don’t hang out together, you don’t have sex, you don’t go on dates, and you barely interact. My dude. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. And you two sound pretty damn indifferent.
I think you need to ask yourself whether this is a marriage that you actually *want* to be in.
You asked what do ppl do together in long term relationship. I have been lucky enough to be with my husband for 17 years. I would talk to your wife that you hear that she felt you guys were stale and that you value her and your relationship and want to get unstuck. I would also say you would like to refocus on your relationship, ask her what she wants, tell her what you want, also put some boundaries around time spent focusing on others (ie I want 2 nights a week we both put our phones away and only focus on each other). But come to this conversation open to hearing what she’s saying she’s currently lacking in the relationship and also tell her what you would like. I will come to this conversation with a list of things you want to do together (takes some of the work off her and shows her you want this to work so planned stuff out). I agree with others this feels it’s getting shaddy with this coworker and it’s okay to express those concerns. Also maybe check in with yourself on if this is the relationship for you. You didn’t say any reasons in your post of why you want to stay together. I get this was short post and there might be huge list but if it doesn’t include I love them as a person and I love us together maybe think if you want to find someone that brings that.
I adore my husband and we make time to focus on our relationship, here is what we do to keep it fresh and focused on each other:
-We do intentional tech nights 2-3x a week aka we can use tech (watch tv or listen to music) but has to be be pre planned (we’re going to watch this one movie or one episode) and no using phones to be distracted from each other.
-We do lots of 2 person board games.
-Spa nights where we start in shower and wash each other including hair, then go do face masks and full body massages for an hour. We make up lots of reasons to just be naked or almost naked together and lots of touching and snuggling (not sex related).
-We go for walks and talk about what houses we would buy and what we would do to them if we won lotto.
-We play cards.
-We read books together (rotate who reads a chapter out loud this is esp fun if we do spicy books).
-Date nights every Friday where we rotate who plans it and what we do (this often includes friends so doesn’t have to be solo).
-Find cheap things you like in town and do them together, we do bowling league on Mondays, Wednesday’s local adult arcade does free pinball so we go for cheap date (he’s very good I suck so if not free night I would spend a billion dollars on quarters).
-hang out with your friends together! Have game nights, do cocktail/mocktail parties, hiking group etc etc
-find a way to enjoy each others interests together. I love sports but I like watching “my” teams, he loves all sports and watching every damn game of everything. So on game days to keep me excited and interested we each “place bets” with each other on the outcomes (so someone might have to make dinner, or do something the other person wants etc). It just adds layer of fun for something I don’t normally care about.
-travel together do new things together! We are lucky enough to have the money to do this. Trying new places together is great way to bond, we’ve found lots of fun things we never would have known we liked without traveling! we do quarterly trips together (some are just weekends some are full weeks) we also require each other take 1 vaca a year with just our friends and no spouses so we get time together but also spend time ensuring our friendships are maintained. Both are important.
-be vocal! Talk about when you feel lucky to have her, what you love about your relationship etc. we always tell each other thank you for basically everything, yes it’s expected that we each clean the house etc, but we thank each other anyways!
-make time and space for sexual time and trying new things together. Really talking about what each person enjoys and likes and focus on that, we do lots of nights we’re we each get off but we also do nights where only one person is the focus. Where all things done that night are either focused on me or him. It’s a great way to show your appreciation or get to feel appreciated and sexy and loved. This took time, my husband is really introverted and adorably vanilla (also an anxious autistic human), he didn’t really know what he liked or didn’t because had always been super happy with “regular sex”. As a kinky bisexual women that was not my preference 😂. So we started slow, we figured out what was stressful for him (knowing I wanted to have long session 2 wks in advance was too much warning he’d get in his head, day of too short. Now we have set days a month for kinky fun because he loves a schedule so he’s happy knowing 2nd and 4th sat is long session nights and he really doesn’t have much sexual fantasies and thinking stuff up was anxiety producing but he’s more than happy to fulfill mine so we talk about it before what I like and want(or think I will) and sorta script it out for him which helps him get out of his head and enjoy). Now he will come up with his own stuff because he’s had enough time for this to be normal so his anxiety is reduced. I also like sexual activities daily, he wasn’t always up for PIV sex and this used to stress him out. After I reminded him I’ve had plenty of fabulous sex requiring zero dicks he laughed and was like oh okay I can do that and we broadened what he thought of as sex so both our needs are met (this will vary per person, he’s super happy to get sexy and just get me off and it doesn’t ick him out, not everyone is that way).
-we’re also big on what I call sexual non sex intimacy, so things that sorta feel sexual but don’t lead to sex it’s just really intimate and feelings of closeness. So for me I love when I fall asleep with him just playing and sucking on my breasts. I love just holding his cock or balls while we sleep, sometimes I just like to suck his flacid cock as we watch tv. Having him dry me as I get out of shower, brushing my hair and putting my lotion on is potentially my fav, it’s completely non sexual but seeing the care he takes of my body is so lovely. Neither of us is focused on even getting sexually aroused but this level of comfort and connection really does it for me. It’s just a way to express our love and joy for each other and our bodies despite the March of time 😂.
So I know all of this sounds like we prob only hang out with him but we actually have rich friend life and do lots of stuff solo. It’s just when we’re together we focus on each other instead of just zoning out in each others presence. Also we build in time for solo time in house too. So we do have true downtime to decompress and just be solo as we want!
Fixing a marraige is a two person job, especially in your guys’ situation. If her solution is to have an affair instead of trying to fix your marriage, then you need to start looking out for yourself.
Leave her. And watch her find out that the grass ain’t you know what.
There’s something going on Hon.
“She told me recently that a rumor”
She’s cheating on you. 100%
She’s trying to get ahead of anyone reaching out to you and telling you she’s cheating on you.
And now that she’s told you that your marriage is getting stale, she’s likely wanting to leave you but hasn’t figured out how or wants you to push for the divorce.
If I were you, I’d hire a PI and try to improve your marriage by going to counseling and trying to do things together you wouldn’t do. Until you hear from the PI, don’t accuse or treat her worse. You can look into her phone records if you guys share the same account but a PI will find physical proof.
Yeah something is going on.
Check her phone if you get a chance.
I don’t know if you’re lowkey by nature of if you’re checked out of your marriage.
Your wife is basically telling and showing you she has a work husband who is rapidly becoming her boyfriend. People at work see mixed sex teams all day long.
They don’t start rumors about all of them.
If your reaction is something other than we need to sit down and figure out how to reconnect, you should begin to plan for your inevitable divorce
>Since she has started her new job, she has been talking about a male
co-worker quite a lot and they are messaging each other constantly.
I see where this is going. His wife does too. OP, you might want to stiffen that spine some.
Ask why she hasn’t put a stop to it? People working together and going to lunch doesn’t spark these rumors. M
Our old team used to rotate who went to lunch with who and we never had those rumors in our office. So how much more interaction is there?
Log into your cell phone provider and see how much contact occurs outside of work. If the number doesn’t show, look at what apps are consuming data and when. If they use teams, zoom, slack, what’s app, you’ll see that.
After you review that, if nothing turns up, tell her you’ll meet the guy and decide for yourself if she isn’t honest. Tell her if she is with him she wouldn’t like the things that could happen if you hear it from him or catch them in the act. You could also grab her phone at a point. Invite him over. Delete the messages. Then be there when he pops up and ask why he thought it was a good idea to come over and expose their affair.
I really don’t understand being married to someone with whom you share no common interests. By no means do you need (or want) a carbon copy of yourself as a spouse, but at the very least trying to either develop an interest in what each other likes feels essential.
Shared history only goes so far. It’s self referential and will, inevitably, grow stale. You should always try and find things to share together – experiences, interests, hobbies, a fond love of a certain food or beverage…whatever – because it introduces new things to talk about and a path to grow together.
If you’re spending every weekend with the boys, and she with the gals, and you don’t really engage with each other on weekends nights, it’s no wonder you feel like it’s gotten stale. There’s a HUGE value in dating your spouse rather than taking them for granted.
Maybe this whole thing can serve as a swift kick in the butt – to you both – to try and focus on your own relationship rather than living separate, parallel lives.
She’s passively letting you know he’s the guy to worry about.
I would ask her if she wants to stay married or get a divorce. She might already be gone. Too much after hours texting and calls isn’t a good sign. Mention if she’s cheating that she just goes away and gives you a divorce. Mention you will tell the guys wife what’s going on as well!
I doubt she has started an physical affair – still this sounds like an emotional affair.
You can not change her – but clearly you can change yourself. Even though your marriage might be ending – it is time for you to start getting out of the rout.
Nutrition, fitness and sleep.
Start looking at getting into form.
Sleep. I suggest you start going to bed at the same time as your wife and wake up at the same time.
Instead of watching TV in the nights you go to the gym in the morning! The time spend in the gym is much better for you then two hours of watching a TV show.
Check on your nutrition. If you drink a alcohol – stop it un less you have something to celebrate- get some alcohol free beer and drink that instead EVEN with your friends.
Suggests that you take a sharp look at the food you are eating and start afresh. Go for whole food! Do it yourself or even ask your wife if you should make the food as a team.
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Ok this is the first part of what you need to do for you!
Note that you are not adding more to your daily activities but you are moving them into a better life for yourself.
You get fit and ready for life.
As for her – well – if you are fit you can be a much better lover then before.
Also – if she is ready to make food together then you have something to do and discuss. Go for new recipes every day. Try new spices. Be open!
———-
How to change yourself? You do not change yourself for her – you do it for yourself. You need new input. To work, tv, drinks with the guys. You are stuck! It is not just your marriage that has gone stale – YOUR LIFE is stale!
I think you should take a look at the psychologist Pine & Fletcher’s book “Flex”. They maintain that you should every day do something different. When you do something different every day you brake up your daily rutines
You are in this cases helped with new things to eat every day and hopefully new things in your new training regime. But try other things, go to different types of concerts, go to museums, take walks about the city centres where you live, go for lunches and try new food and new places, go on hikes, find lectures, try new books.
You can go and meet your friends in the weekend, but make that into a once a month thing and look for new things.
Ask your wife if she wants to join you, if not go alone.
You need to change your life – she is responsible for her life. It is easy to complain but both of you are responsible for your own lives.
So focus on yourself – if she wants to work on making your life not stale she has to join you. Otherwise she is just focusing on being a work wife.
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So change YOUR life not hers.
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With regards to your marriage. I must admit I do not have high hopes for it. In all cases she is emotionally connected to her work husband and she is behaving like she is his wife (lots of sympathy with his real wife)
Still if you want to try to get it back in track – you need to make things clear.
You are going to work on yourself. If she wants to join you great – otherwise you will start on your own.
Be clear that to you it is clear that her relationship with her work husband will kill your relationships sooner rather then later. You are ready to work on your relationship but you are not going to watch her having lunches with her work husband and talking with him on the evening.
——
If she is ready to cool the relationship with her work husband then you have to start following:
NEVER go out and have fun alone. You are a team – you are not room mates.
Decide on joint hobbies. Try new things.
Communicate. Once a week a communication date. Both of you find a thing you want to improve and you sit down and talk.
Write down five rules! The talk is honest, open, tolerant, respectful and KIND. You are trying to understand each other and find a solution together.
The communication date is a date. Candlelights and drinks! It is a no no to talk negativly and accuse each other.
At the end of every date you check on how your decisions s are working.
Finally DATE!! Funfairs and rollercoasters, dancing, fotsy, cuddling, kissing and yes sex!
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Hope it works – but do something for YOU – that is the important thing!