#HelpNeeded #MarriageStruggles #NotLazyNotMisogynist
Hey there! So, I’ve been dealing with a bit of a situation in my marriage that I could really use some help with. My wife keeps telling people that I’m lazy and misogynist, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I work hard, help out around the house, and support women’s rights and equality. But somehow, I’m still getting the short end of the stick here.
I mean, I’m not perfect, I’ll be the first to admit that. I might procrastinate a bit, and sure, I could probably work on my emotional availability. But lazy and misogynist? Definitely not.
My wife insists on painting this picture of me as this lazy, mansplaining husband, and it’s starting to take a toll. I contribute a lot to our household, but she keeps undermining my efforts. It’s frustrating and honestly, kind of hurtful.
I’m at a loss here. How do I get her to see the real me and stop spreading these false accusations? Any advice or suggestions are welcome! Let’s figure this out together. #RelationshipAdvice #MisunderstoodHusband #SupportNeeded
So, what do you think? Got any tips or experiences to share? Let’s chat and see if we can get to the bottom of this. Hit me up with your thoughts! 😊👫🤔
Marriage counseling. Everyone needs the opportunity to blow off steam, but using people who know you as a sounding board is undermining your reputation (which might be devastating if you own a local business). So talk to a counselor together and maybe determine whether your wife needs her own therapist to complain to. She can’t use your mutual peer group for this.
This sounds to me like a “counseling or divorce” situation. She can decide whether it’s more important to her to roleplay as the neglected overworked housewife, or to save the marriage she actually has, because it’s not your job to continue trying to be a good partner while she pretends to the world that you’re a shitty one.
Detailing what you each do in a diary format during the week is usually eye-opening for both partners.
Your wife maybe suggering from a massive lack of self worth and she looks outwards to explain her misery instead of herself
>She watches a lot of TikTok videos on self-worth and lazy husbands, and applies things she sees there to me.
I’d vote to divorce her just on this alone
If you’ve talked to her about it and she simply won’t listen then maybe she should get a glimpse of what’s it’d be like if you were actually the man she describes. It might not hurt to teach her a lesson by completely stopping doing anything at all around the house and behaving exactly how she says you do. Maybe once she sees the difference she will lighten up.
You’re just one in a long list of marriages destroyed by TikTok. She’s been pilled.
It’s entirely inapprpriate for your WIFE and PARTNER to be bad mouthing to you other people regularly, especially if the things being said aren’t true. How have you approached this with her previously? Is she aware that it hurts your feelings? That you find it disrespectful? That you don’t want to be with a partner who loudly complains of your many faults (many fabricated) to other people outside your relationship?
If you’ve already commnunicated, did she agree with you, and the behavior hasn’t changed – or did she dismiss your concerns as not important? Or did she deny doing it?
Obviously all the normal first line attempts apply here. Communicate. Be vulnerable and express how you’re hurt, explain that she’s hurting you and damaging the relationship, including the trust you have in her to be on “your team” as a unit. If that doesn’t work, you insist on couple’s therapy.
If she won’t acknowledge the behavior or change it, or she won’t discuss it, or won’t go to counseling. If you’ve exhausted everything else, then and only then, would i completely stop doing ANYTHING other than bringing home a paycheck. In fact, I would go as far as turning into exactly what she describes you as. It should be a SUDDEN and DRASTIC shift. IMMEDIATELY just start going to work, stopping out with friends after work, coming home, watching TV and going to bed. Don’t ask if she needs anything, don’t check with her, don’t clean anything, don’t help. Just check out for a week. If she asks you to do something, tell her that you’ve heard her describe you as lazy and unhelpful and that if she’s going to bad mouth you to others and never give you credit for contributing to the household chores as well, then you’re going to stop contributing. She clearly doesn’t appreciate it. I know it’s petty and unhealthy but it might be the realization she needs. It really shouldn’t come to that, though. Ultimately if she won’t change or work it out in therapy you should be leaving this relationship. It almost sounds like she’s just really wrapped up in whatever “image” or “persona” that she’s trying to live out for some insecure reason and that narrative includes complaining about her husband, but she’s lost sight of you as an actual HUMAN PERSON, with feelings, with a reputation, who is supposed to be her PARTNER and her TEAM. You can’t be any of those things if she’s badmouthing you left and right. She’s destroying your marriage. Make sure she knows how serious the damage is and ask her to go to counseling before this festers any more.
Marriage counseling, but until you can book an appointment, make lists the chores you’ve done, how long they took, etc. As for the mansplaining, write down the situations and ask her “did you know how to do/use X?” “How was I disrespectful in how I explained it to you?” “How should I explain it to you then?”
As for the comments to others, tell her to cut it out straight away.
Oof 😣 this one hits close to home for me so I can totally understand. In my relationship with my SO I was technically the wife in the situation. I was basically on all social media( tick tock, Instagram, Twitter, ect….) and what I saw on this social media outlets I allowed it to blend into my relationship. My partner saw this and we had multiple conversations (at different times of course because it was a constant issue) which made me finally realize that I have a good partner and he actually encouraged me to go to therapy, which yes I have a lot of mental health issues.
Get help for your wife. Social media is evil and can warp someone mind set wen originally they never thought or acted like that in the first place. Maybe she is doing this for attention. Try to make time for her, hopefully she will come around and talk to you.
Someone being a conservative man doesn’t mean he is a misogynist. Just like being socially liberal doesn’t make you a good person.
Have a very serious sit down with her.
A successful marriage presents you as a union. If she makes you look like a fool to members of your community, she isn’t only hurting herself. If you are so bad as she claims you are, why is she married to you. Loving someone also means, that we have to respect the other. You aren’t going around badmouthing her to everyone, ruining her reputation. Why aren’t you doing it? Because it’s disrespectful and it’s very easy to influence people with false statements, but very hard to change their opinion of the opposite.
Get into couples counseling and I think she needs a TikTok break. She obviously can’t handle that. If this is really her opinion of you and counseling gets you nowhere, I would overthink my commitment to this relationship. What else can you do other than that? If she tells people you are like that, shall you make her claim true for a month and see how she likes it? This would be petty and would start heavy fights. Not very productive.
Star with a conversation and see where it goes.
Others have mentioned counseling. Interim, I would suggest perhaps hiring a maid to help YOU (not her) with the cleaning a few times a week. The fact that you work full time while she is a SAHM, *and* you still do 40% of the cleaning (but are called lazy) is wild.
It would be one thing if she also worked full time and then she compained about a 60/40 chore split. But she doesn’t work full time, instead she’s scrolling TikTok in her free time while being home most of the day.
She needs to lay off her phone. If nothing else she is projecting. She’s being emotionally abusive and belittling you.
Some people have recommended divorce but since your wife has no job, she would likely get majority custody unless you have an excellent lawyer, and you will also end up paying significant spousal/child support. Maybe divorce *is* the answer but be aware it’s very risky since she does not work.
Counseling is needed. If my wife felt the need to trash me to others on a regular basis, it would be a serious concern.
So you need to tell your wife you’re signing yourselves up to go see a therapist and she is going. When she asks why, you will simply tell her they you’ve had it with how little she appreciates what you do and the fact that she continues to tell people you’re lazy and a misogynist when those two labels don’t apply and she doesn’t realize how good she has it when there are other husbands out there that literally don’t do anything and feel all they have to do is provide. You won’t point blame on where she’s getting this ridiculous influence (even though you have an idea where), but you’ve had it and if she refuses to go to therapy to work on you two, then you don’t see a lasting future with someone who doesn’t support their partner. You don’t need praise as if you’re God’s greatest gift, you’re just asking to cut the shit with the mislabeled and actually day thank you for things you do
” She watches a lot of TikTok videos on self-worth and lazy husbands,…”
So despite her actual life bearing no similarity to what the idiots on her screen are telling her she blames you anyway. Standby for her to have even more extreme views of her life helpfully brought to her in easily digested bites. She needs therapy to figure out how she’s stupid enough to want to believe the garbage she watches on a screen over her lived experience.
Stop doing your 40% around the house. Feed into her bullshit until she’s forced to change.
Best method- if she calls you lazy/misogynistic in front of someone, ask her to explain why to them. Should be entertaining
Start calling her your third child since she’s not pulling her weight as a SAHM and has you do nearly half of the housework.
Posts like these makes me appreciate my fiance a Lot more. Like, damn brotha your wife sounds like she’s trying to ruin you
If other suggestions don’t work maybe countering her comments with how she micromanages all the time, goes shopping to spend all the money on shoes (or something she hates would be better) and how she takes the pool boy out for lunch (if you don’t have a pool).
Basically fib about her as well.
When she gets upset explain how it is not fun being lied about.
So start behaving how she says and let her see what it would be like.
There’s no real way to win in this situation.
I think there would be a number of ways to approach this in a positive way.
You should stop explaining things to her. She clearly doesn’t want it and does not want you to solve her problems. If you helping her is mansplaining, stop the bleeding there.
Regarding laziness, it sounds like you do a lot. Stop listing your chores. You could do 100% and it wouldn’t be enough.
I think if it were me and I heard my wife tell someone I was lazy I would ask her in the moment not to say things like that. If she double downed I would likely apologize to her in the moment that she found me lazy while I did my best to provide for the family while recognizing she carried a heavy burden as the sahm.
Later that evening I would approach her again and tell her how much I found her comments about me as being extremely hurtful and disrespectful.
She’d likely argue and gaslight. I’d bite back hard and say I wasn’t done. I’d double down and tell her I know how hard she works taking care of the home and kids. I know how hard it is and I do my best when I can. I wouldn’t list what I’d do but I would let her know how hurtful her actions were. Then I’d be done with the conversation.
I would then continue my life and see how her behavior would change or not. If her behavior changes great. If it doesn’t I would circle back. If she continues with her abuse then you see how she truly feels about you.
At that point it might be time for her to get a job. Time for a dual income family. Time for papers to be filed. Time for some serious changes.
But I’m very confrontational. I grew up with a narcissistic mother. She did this same stuff to my dad. Not saying that’s your wife but it’s similar behavior and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
She sounds like she’s likely insecure about her role, and trying to inflate it by tearing you down. “Look at me, it’s ME that keeps this family running, it’s ME that keeps the household from falling apart.” Rather than appreciate what you do, she has to tear it down to make herself feel better.
There are three courses of action you could take.
First – document everything. Keep a little diary of everything you do. Show it to her after a week. “So when you said I did nothing… what about the 3 dinners I made, the 4 hours of household cleaning, the 3 loads of laundry, and the 11 times I shuttled the kids to and from places? Do those not count?”
Second, you could also just be the man she thinks you are. Stop doing anything at all. If she thinks you do nothing, then do nothing. That’s not the most mature way to handle it, but *something* needs to happen for her to see what the situation is.
The other option is therapy. Go to a therapist, a neutral third party. Tell both your sides. See if she’ll deny what you do to a therapist, someone she isn’t trying to “show off” for. See if she’ll take all the work you do and belittle it there, or finally acknowledge what you do.
Become the man she claims you are.
I would be out on this. Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected like she’s doing to you. Nobody is saying this for some reason, but your wife sounds like an awful person.
Perhaps next time she says this in a group you need to stand up and say, “That is completely untrue and is a hurtful lie. Please apologize and stop saying rude things that are not true about me to others.”
If she apologizes, great, you can move on. If she objects even a little, you simply say, “This social event is over.” and you either leave, or if it is your house you ask everyone to leave. Then you tell wife, “We will end every single social event where you lie about me early.”
Imo you probably do more than most considering she doesn’t work and is supposed to be contributing from the home side of things. Sounds like she’s taken you for granted. You should probably talk to her about her tiktok usage and its effect on your marriage. If she can’t respect you and acknowledge your contributions, you have major issues.
I would seriously recommend, as others have said, to get counselling for yourself. Don’t discuss it with her and tell your counsellor what is happening, how it makes you feel.
You need to be able to shut this behaviour down or lay boundaries and make it clear when she is crossing them. I’m sure a good counsellor will understand how you need to be more assertive and stick up for yourself more and help you realise that.
Next time she starts when you’re alone just wait until she’s done. If it’s in front of others ask to speak to her alone. Then quietly ask her looking straight in her eye….”why the fuck did you marry me if you think so little of me? You have made it quite clear I’m not good enough for you. I’m asking you right now…do you even want to be married to me? Because I have to tell you have made me feel worthless and unloved. I’m no different than when we dated. I can’t even imagine disrespecting you publicly the way you do to me.” Then tell her you’re going for a drive to think about things. Leave for a few hours. Turn off your phone. Let her sit at home and go over what you said. She may freak out and realize she’s messing up. Right now she feels secure in your marriage. She’s taking you for granted. She may be forced to think about what if he leaves me… If she loves you and really cares about your family she will understand her marriage is in trouble. If she’s unreasonable and just doesn’t care about your feelings you’ll have your answer she doesn’t respect or love you or is willing to work on the marriage.
What she’s doing is AWFUL.