#FamilyDrama #MotherDaughterIssues #BoundarySetting #RespectBoundaries #PetSitterVsMother #TrustIssues
The Dilemma: Struggling with Boundaries and Trust Issues with a Helping Mother
Are you caught in the crossfire of family drama, feeling torn between accepting help from a well-meaning mother and maintaining boundaries in your own space? If you resonate with this struggle, you’re not alone. Many individuals find themselves grappling with trust issues and boundary setting when it comes to family dynamics, especially in situations involving personal spaces and responsibilities.
The Story: When “Help” Becomes a Point of Conflict
For OP, the decision to hire a pet sitter over having their mother look after their pets during travels resulted in hurt feelings and mistrust. Despite attempts to reconcile and give their mother a chance, boundaries were crossed with unsolicited actions that caused frustration and disappointment. The conflict escalated when OP confronted their mother about the repeated disregard for their wishes.
The Solution: How to Navigate Boundaries and Communication with Family
1. Establish Clear Boundaries: Communicate openly and honestly with your loved ones about your boundaries and expectations. Setting clear guidelines can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from arising in the future.
2. Practice Assertive Communication: Express your feelings and concerns assertively, yet respectfully. Clearly communicate your needs and preferences to ensure mutual understanding and respect within the relationship.
3. Seek Compromise and Understanding: Strive to find a middle ground where both parties feel heard and valued. Acknowledge each other’s perspectives and work towards resolving conflicts through compromise and empathy.
4. Prioritize Self-Care: Remember to prioritize your well-being and mental health in any interactions or conflicts with family members. Setting boundaries and practicing self-care are essential for maintaining healthy relationships.
The Reflection: Embracing Self-Care and Boundaries
In the end, it’s crucial to prioritize your own needs and boundaries while navigating complex family dynamics. By setting clear boundaries, practicing assertive communication, and prioritizing self-care, you can foster healthier and more respectful relationships with your loved ones.
You did the right thing. She was in the wrong
NTA
Anytime she complains about you not trusting her, just remind her of all the times she proved she can’t be trusted. Your mother is an adult. She should know better than to touch people’s things without their permission. If she’s “sad you don’t trust her,” that’s her own fault.
NTA, she’s already shown that she won’t listen to your requests. My MIL will often offer to petsit, or ask hurt that we don’t ask her to watch our dogs. She has a bad history with ill-behaved and morbidly obese dogs, and is not in great shape herself. There’s just no reason for it when you have better, reliable options.
My mom is like this. She genuinely has different views about what a garden should look like, and kills things on a regular basis to make them more “tidy”. Once, at her house, she decided to cut back a beautiful lavender hedge, and she cut the plants to the ground, thinking they’d start over.
Now I live with her and luckily she’s not able to do anything anymore. I’ve put in a garden where there was nothing before, but I have to talk to everyone who stays to tell them not to do anything in the garden when I’m away! Last time she had someone cut off the sides of the jasmine I’d trained along the eaves of the porch because she said it would “destroy the house” — twining jasmine, no suckers. It was a shock to come home to.
Your mom probably thinks she’s tidying things up, but she’s ignorant and thinks she knows best. Not a good pet sitter.
NTA
Sometimes, you have to be the “bad guy” and tell people no. After the first time, you should’ve absolutely refused and not let her into your house. I would also go around and check to make sure she didn’t touch anything else that is just not super obvious.
NTA. People who insist on overstepping boundaries and doing whatever the F they want to and then playing the “I was just trying to help!” card instead of apologizing when they get called out are always, always the asshole.
NTA. It helps to own it when she turns it around on you. For example, when she says you didn’t tell her anything about not mowing the lawn (even though you did), instead of arguing back and forth, you can say, “ok, well then I guess I forgot to tell you NOT to mow the lawn. Weirdly, my pet-sitter does not mow the lawn even when I forget to tell her not to. I’m afraid my memory is too faulty to be trusted to make an exhaustive list of things NOT to do when you’re here, so it’s just better to hire a pet-sitter who will stick to only doing what I ask her to do, and will not take it upon herself to do chores I did not ask her to do.”
It’s ridiculous anyway because her implication is that you should be expected to give her a list of everything she SHOULDN’T do at your house, and that list is infinite.
* don’t refinish the floors
* don’t paint the walls
* don’t reorganize my kitchen cabinets
* don’t buy me a python
* don’t run my laptop through the dishwasher
* don’t throw out my towels
etc, etc. You see how it’s literally impossible to outline what your Mom should NOT do? If she is unable to do a task for you and only do what is outlined in that specific task, then obviously she cannot be trusted with your household responsibilities.
NTA.
> This is the second time she has decided to do whatever she wanted in my house without me asking for it. Today, I told her off about it and said she will never again stay over at my place because she can’t be trusted.
Perfect. First time she got a warning, yes? And second time you followed through.
> She complained that she was just trying to help and told me she would never again do anything to help me.
“I told you not to do something, and you did it anyway. That’s the exact opposite of ‘helping,’ and you know it.”
> she told me I never said anything about the lawn
“You’re welcome to believe that. This discussion is over.”
Nope. NTA.
My mother did this to me for years. If it didn’t match the narrative in her head, she didn’t hear it.
Guess who is Low Contact (No Contact until she replies to the opener e-mail after 6 months of NC)
“What a weird way for you to apologize to me”
She needs an information diet. She doesn’t need to know when you’re away at all.
NTA
The “she would never again do anything to help me.” gave me flashbacks of my passive aggressive guilt-master of a mother.
Your mother has her own agenda, and will rationalize any behaviors while playing the victim the entire time.
NTA I’m glad you didn’t say she caused harm to the dogs/cats. I half expected to read she shaved them or didn’t feed them, take for walkies etc. I’m sorry she can’t respect your home and wishes.
Nta
NTA my mother pulled this crap when she was visiting me when I was in college. I went to class and come home to my cabinets rearranged or focal walls painted. You want the house in the same condition you left it.
NTA.
Some friends when on a trip for 3 weeks, M/FIL stayed to pet sit.
Uprooted their vegetable garden and planted flowers (they grew their own potatoes and carrots).
Painted the kitchen, living room and 2 of 3 bedrooms pink (including the master).
Poured our multiple bottles of expensive whisky, because they were dusty and had obviously gone bad.
And threw out a large amount of their books…because no one needs that many books.
The fallout from that was epic.
NTA you gave her two chances and she doesn’t care what you want, she’s going to do what she wants. She’s lost house/pet sitting privileges.
NTA. She has proven she can’t be trusted.
Time to have a chat with mom’s doctor, I think. If she doesn’t remember you talking about those things, then clearly her faculties are failing her
/s
Eta: NTA
NTA; except the part where you let this dense piece of loaf back into your home with your tree. The tree’s scared of her, it was having a panic attack the whole time.
NTA – as badly as the first round turned out for her she should have known better and asked you before she did anything around your house other than look after the pets.
NTA but stop giving in just because “she is sad”. Let her be sad. It’s better than getting angry at her because she does what she wants. She is a boundary stomper.
NTA
I’m glad it was only plants and sticks she messed with, next time it could be giving your pet medicines they don’t need, a bad grooming, or worse.
She’s proven she can’t be trusted so you’ll stick with a trusted sitter. She had TWO chanced and fucked them up.
NTA! Stuff like that used to happen to me when I used to work in a hair salon. One of the stylists and one of the receptionists would “help” me by rolling towels and putting them away while I was busy doing something else. I would then get yelled at that they weren’t right, and I would have to redo them every time.
I finally told them not to help me, because A) I didn’t ask for it and B) they’re not saving me any time or labour because I have to take *extra* time to redo their “help.” They of course got snippy with me 🙄🙄
DROVE ME FLIPPIN’ ***NUTS*** 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I hadn’t got through the 2nd paragraph before I made this face 😬 mothers don’t always know best unfortunately and no is a complete sentence but such a shame she doesn’t want to listen
NTA
She’s manipulating you. NTA
NTA. Even if your mom wasn’t being malicious, she is absolutely lacking in common sense. If you’re told not to do something to someone else’s property, you don’t touch it. When in doubt, don’t touch it either unless you get confirmation or it’s absolutely necessary and try not to do anything irreversible, such as throwing away stuff or destroying it.
NTA. It’s not help if you told her not to do it in the first place. I cringed reading about your poor tree. She said she’ll never help you again, so make sure she holds true!
You gave her one more chance than I would have !
NTA ugh I hate people like that. The amount of times I have argued with people who have done the exact opposite of what I said because “they were only trying to help” is infuriating. You know what’s helpful? Doing what you were asked to do! Grrrr.
NTA, but you do need to recognize the pattern and no longer partake. Whether she’s “Sad” or not, you’re upset every time she leaves and she doesn’t respect what you ask. Stop expecting different from someone who’s shown you what they are.
I’m genuinely happy that nothing happened to the pets. I thought this story was gonna get very dark for a hot minute there.
NTA.
She is disguising her ‘help’ as a means of control and claiming your personal space as her own. I had a similar issue with my MIL who would ‘help’ by reorganizing my kitchen cabinets and decorating my house when I wasn’t home (once she hung up a hideous print she found at a garage sale in my bedroom). After I realized she’d gone through my medicine bag that I kept under my bathroom sink, she wasn’t allowed in our house again without supervision.
Time to set the same boundary at your house.
NTA
NTA
NTA Help isn’t help when it’s neither been asked for, wanted, nor needed.
NTA
She seems to take it upon herself to ignore your boundaries in the name of “helping”. That’s help you can do without, given you didn’t ask for it in the first place
NTA, but stop doing the same thing and expecting different results. Next time you’re going out of town, she’s going to be dramatically sad that you won’t let her pet-sit for her. If you let her into your house, she’s going to wreck your yard again. Let her be sad.
>and told me she would never again do anything to help me
Fantastic. That’s what you wanted in the first place.
It’s not helpful because all it does is give you more work(resupplying your sticks for your project, trying to save your tree, etc). If she truly wanted to be helpful, she would listen to you. Instead she wants kudos for giving you more work to do. She cares more about being perceived as helpful than actually being helpful.
NTA in my opinion, I wouldn’t even consider what she did help, because it’s only what she thinks is right regardless of your opinion and feelings in **your** home, what your mother is doing is not okay and I consider it egocentric, especially because she pretends that you didnt say something you did say or didnt bother to listen to you properly. I dont know the history you two have together, but it’s always very hard to handle when a parent disregards their childs opinion on things and doesnt listen properly.
NTA
Your mother was specifically told no and to leave the yard/garden alone. She’s an adult, not a young child. She should know how to listen properly.
NTA
She went from helping with the pets, to being a busy-body by doing shit she had no business doing. Even if this is coming from a place of genuine helpfulness, the end result is ruining/upsetting your home/garden.
NTA. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
If you keep letting her pet sit, she’s going to keep doing things to your property. So you can’t allow it. She can be sad all she wants but these are the consequences of her actions. And you’re not responsible for her feelings. She’s just trying to manipulate you anyway.
NTA. Your mother overstepped boundaries and disregarded your wishes despite your clear communication. It’s understandable that you’re frustrated, especially considering the impact her actions had on your property and projects. Setting boundaries is important, and it’s reasonable to assert them, even with family members.
NTA. There’s nothing to be thankful for. It isn’t “help” when someone does something that you specifically said you didn’t want.
> She complained that she was just trying to help
NTA – Mommy thinks you are still a child and she knows what’s best for you still. She’ll keep doing this shit if you let her, so your approach makes absolute sense…
nah NTA, she’s not a toddler to have to repeat the same phrase numerous times nor do you have to watch her 24/7 over your house. Just make sure she doesn’t “pet sit” at your house again.
I’m reminded of the quote, “unsolicited advice is always criticism”. I imagine there’s a similar adage about unsolicited help. Your mother actively ignored your wishes – you are correct that she can’t be trusted. NTA.
NTA
Looks like she can’t be trusted so I def wouldn’t let her come over when you’re not there. I would even go so far as limiting contact.
Please tell me she doesn’t have a key to your house? If she does, have your locks changed and give a spare key to a neighbor or friend who you absolutely trust with your life.
Of course not. NTA – hopefully you won’t ‘feel bad’ and give in again.